"I am ready, I am ready, I am ready...I am fine..."
What do you tell the terminally ill? The one's that know their time on earth is short. Folks that have been told their disease is greater than their will to live. I've found myself falling short as they leave like a steady faucet drip you just can't shut off. As a strong man of faith I can admit to you here and now that even the greatest men of faith grow weary when they feel they've said "I'll be praying for you" one too many times but those words are comfort to those that may need to hear them for the first time.
In my years I have seen disease take on many forms. Disease of the body that you can seek drug treatment for. Disease of the mind that can be treated with council but it is the disease of the spirit that has always baffled man. I am one that believes this is the province of God to heal while all we can do is serve as symptom blockers giving what we can as needed in the moment. Those whose spirits have been broken since very young. That seek treatment in diversion, dislocation and distress just to be able to feel anything. To be able to say "I'm alive today.." as they dread what tomorrow will bring. When all these treatments are exhausted, self destructive behavior becomes the treatment of the day and if you can't see it, you would just think them foolish. The harsh reality is that they seek death as a welcome friend to end a journey they've come to accept as futile.
I know of one that showed me as a young man what diversion looked like but I never got to see him dislocated or distressed. Those close to him got to see that steady decline. To see him in a hospital bed that he should be fighting to get out of, he has decided to become the bed itself. Deteriorating into skin and bone, waiting for his friend called death. To a man like myself that is supposed to have many answers, this is jarring. To see this fall upon someone you care about is heartbreaking and I know I cannot take the world's problems upon my shoulders but sometimes when you're in the fight, you feel as though you can command the universe.
Tonight I am letting it out. I am allowing myself to feel this helpless feeling and I am leaving it here on this page. I will pray once more. I will ask again that my God give him the strength and will to live. To do all within his will to fight the cancers eating him alive. To get up out of that bed and see that there is more to life that he has missed. A woman that loves him enough to stand by him even now. Two sons that will need him even as they build their own families and a life of unfulfilled purpose as yet unknown to him. That giving up is never an option and that no matter what he has been through or witnessed, tomorrow will always provide an opportunity for better. Ready to live...ready to be just fine.
Taking on my mantle of faith with command of the universe and all, this is all I can do. God can appear to him and tell him all He wants him to do but God Himself can never violate free will so the choice is still his. So in the end my beautiful family and friends, the choice is still and ever shall be...yours.
We can choose to live life or we can choose to die slowly. Look around you and you will always find more than enough reasons to live. If you can't? Start cultivating a life worthy of your existence...pray for my uncle Carlos...
~Moses
No comments:
Post a Comment