Vanity...

Ecclesiastes 2:17

Therefore I hated life; because the work that is worked under the sun is grievous to me: for all is vanity and vexation of spirit.

Isn't that something?  The man God gifted with His wisdom says he came to hate life because ALL under the sun...is vanity.  This is the ultimate truth.  It may seem bleak but the truth is the truth.  Everyone has an angle.  Everyone has an agenda.  Most of the pure in heart are old because life has taught them that the only thing that has any value is found in what God has you do for others...yet wisely so.

We say we work out for health reasons.  Bullsh*t, it's because we want to look good to be seen so we can feel better about ourselves.  We say we want money to help our families.  Bullsh*t, it's because we want to live comfortably and not be bothered by the everyday mundane humdrum of life.  We equate happiness with self-gratification...vanity.  Things that are temporal...things that make us feel good now but mean absolutely nothing once we are dead and buried.  I was at a funeral last night and my old pastor preached a message about how empty these things are.  He marveled at how much his wife toiled with flowers that will wither and die in a few days.  He looked out over the crowd of people that were saddened by their loss and saw the eternal planting within every heart that was there.  This man will live forever because he saw the value in investing into his family and friends something more than just "things".  He gave them his love and attention.  More so he gave them himself.  Not for anything back...not to feel good about himself or to be seen as great among his peers.  I'm sure this man, like David, asked for a "pure heart"...a genuine heart.  His testimony for granted request was the family he left behind.

The seasons will come and go.  What we obtain is washed away through seasonal change.  Emotions shift...bodies devolve.  Perspectives are ever changing by all these shifts.  Stability is now a struggle akin to going against the tide at every turn.  The question for today is "Where are the stable minded?"  Throughout time the wise have asked this very question and could seldom count the many they knew on two hands.  Who are the strong that do not change?  Not stubbornly so, but those that stand fixed on stone that isn't moved by seasonal change.  The things that actually outlive them...the things that actually matter.  Sadly, that is a generation that is dying off everyday.

There are so many things we do in life that are worthless yet we do them because we need to keep pace with the winds.  Some winds do damage to ourselves and others.  Some winds don't do anything but allow us to live well for the moment and yet some winds we sail actually outlive us carrying our name through generations.  I am among the vain as I am a man that has to live in this world but so long as I am aware that some things I do are worthless, I can decide to identify and do the things that have meaning beyond myself.  Some people think why do this or that since all is vanity?  We have to live people.  We live in this vain existence for one purpose...to be able to serve.  Plant your flowers...just once and awhile, plant one for someone that will do nothing for you.  Work out and get beautiful...just once and a while, slip in some training advice unseen.  Make your money...just once and awhile, give it out anonymously.  What you do in secret, God will reward openly...that goes in either direction folks.  The irony of that last sentence is...that is just as vain lol 

I want to live life, thus my vanity will continue.  Yet knowing this, I will sail as best I can on winds that are eternal and stand on such even if the seasonal winds try their best to move me.  I'm out...

It's One Of Those Days...

My day begins with the news that my Godson is in the hospital.  He is now being watched as I type this and we are thankful to God for the miracle of healing.  He is ever gracious and merciful.  Yet within this day, I was reminded about something.  I was reminded of who I was in another realm.  Those with ears to hear will understand and those without...well...

In the hour's nap that I had when I came back home...I dreamt.  I had a dream that included people that today, I want to forget.  I was in a dingy spanish bar and someone came looking for me wondering how I could be so comfortable in such a place.  This person knew me before as one that would never belong in such an environment.  They knew me as someone whose presence was palpable from miles away...as someone and something else.  To relay this to my current state is to reveal that I have decided to become something less so that certain things could happen for me and the ones I care about.  This day has me questioning the wisdom of such a move.  I know that great man is still there...yet purposely buried.  I just worry that in my state I will forget about him altogether.

You see, unlike most, I know who and what I am.  I don't feel the need to "find myself" anymore.  As humans we go through revolution and evolution.  I am one that normally evolves within who I am and that is a process I have halted for my own reasons and purpose.  Parts of me still grow while others are placed on hold...creating an imbalance.  Yet, I can feel that man holistically starving now.  From that whole man flows my passion and conviction.  From that whole man flows a blood that has meaning, purpose and direction.  Yet from that man also flows a forgiveness and a love that has me in fear.  A forgiveness and a love that I subconsciously blame for most of my current hurt.  I gave that out in earnest believing it should be rewarded.  It came back empty and harsh.  As I type this I am wondering if my fear of getting hurt again has me in a state of self-inflicted indifference.  A state that allows me to say "f*ck you" to love and all manner of closeness.  Yeah, it works...but at what cost...

I guess my wounds are affecting more than even I had imagined.  Folks this aint self pity.  You are watching me from the inside out.  I share all this with you because I know someone else is going through the very same thing and I need them to feel my hand holding theirs.  There will come a day when all this has passed but so long as this blog is up, you will always know that someone can and does relate to you.  You're not crazy and there is no need to dispair.  You are living.  As I go through it with you...you go through it with me.  Fight with me and I with you so in the end we can "say so" together...  

On a side note...after spending time with my God-daughter Hillary,  I know I would love to have a little girl of my own some day...hey, you never know... 

It Is True...

"Every man dies...but not every man truly lives"

Almost everyone I know remembers this line from the movie "Braveheart".  William Wallace utters these famous words just as he is about to face death.  He would not plead for his life.  He knew that if he did that, he would be declaring himself a slave to a king unworthy of allegiance.  He died a free man.  He died...living.

I wonder how many of us are slaves to something we can't beat.  An internal bondage very few know about.  We coddle it, we take it to therapy...we give it "time".  We give it power.  Instead of ending what binds us, we plead for it's end.  Sometimes it is in fact as easy as saying "no" or "no more".  I want to live life without restraint...not for malice but real freedom.  Freedom that allows me to sit still for days on end if I choose to.  That is real freedom.  Try to sit still for 5 minutes...what binds you will become apparent quite quickly...

One day, I will truly live...

Hmmm...

Well, I was thinking about what it would be like to chronicle the goings on in the mind of a love sick fool.  I think now, looking back, I can answer that...

The first time you find out she not only lied to you, but took you for a fool by storytelling to make the lie seem plausible...you think to yourself, "Well, it's early...and we really don't know each other that well yet so...Ok"  The second time you find out she's hiding messages, that if sent by you to someone of the opposite sex, you know you'd be up sh*ts creek.  You confront her and she profusely apologizes telling you nothing happened, that it was just words.  You back off because she seems sincere..."Ok"  The third time you find out that while she's away, she is becoming sweet on a particular "co-worker".  Opportunistically pursuing an "I couldn't help myself" moment.  Damn, even pushing him in that direction and lying to you about certain moments she knows would prove your theory right.  You say that's it, she writes some emails about changing her habits because she doesn't want to lose you and you...still seeing red, say..."Ok"  You think the bullsh*t is over and all the while your love grows but here yet again, we have the same co-worker test creep up and instead of easily dismissing it...she fails by trying to create yet another moment.  She now tells you she has a problem.  She now relates it to childhood issues.  She needs work...she needs help.  How can you abandon such a broken creature?  You love her too damn much!!!  So you say..."Ok" 

A couple of months of peace roll by and she has yet another job to go to.  You find out about yet another co-worker.  You find out that she lied to you about communicating with him past working hours and she says "I lied because I knew you would be mad".  At this point...you are finished.  Your faith in her is now exhausted.  You are tired and weary from these episodes....your heart has all but given up.  You have done everything to prove your love.  You take journeys no one else would take because your love tells you that she is worth it.  You wear it on your sleeve.  You make sacrifices that you still pay for today and you see very little in return.  You are now finished and you end it...yet the fumes of your love still linger and you fight all manner of sense to believe that all you held on for should not end this way.  And a few hours later you say..."Ok"  You look at all your faults and begin to equivocate.  You make excuses for everything done to you.  You think back at the times you spoke to her like a child and feel bad even though she lied like a two year old with excuses that included the phrase..."I didn't know".  On fumes of love you now say..."Ok"

Then come the revelations.  Some things so big that they truly put your love and understanding to the test.  One by one she tells you how she lied about this or that and you want to crawl under a rock and hide but you can't because you have invested into this heart...your soul.  You cannot see it go to waste.  God, your instincts, your confidantes, your friends...ALL tell you that if you want to stay with her, it will be work.  You manage to squeak out "She's worth it" but now the only thing you feel is worth anything...is the love you have for her.  That it is something you can't give up on.  You now understand that the person you have decided to love is flawed beyond what you wanted to accept and what's worse...is that you are the only one that sees it.  Why? because you were privy to inside information you didn't care to see.  Your friends showed you what they saw...and they saw it all.  There was nothing she could get away with and if she could, she would have played you like a fiddle.  Not to say that you were perfect, but your flaws are things not having to do with trust...unless manufactured lol.  Truth is, you were more man than she expected.  You expected a woman of honor deserving of honor...something you didn't get.  A truth that in the end was something you could never make excuses for.

You see the fool sees all this and chooses to focus on all that happened in between.  He chooses to say that the moments holding her and loving on her outweighed it all until he comes to the rude awakening that although those moments meant everything to him...they meant absolutely nothing to her.  That is when the fantasy becomes a nightmare.  That is when all you have left is the sh*t to remember.  Why should it mean anything to you, if it meant sh*t to her.  A one sided event is not an event but an abirition.  It is in fact...a perspective.  The fool thinks to hold fast to such perspective but when faced with the truth decides to end all foolishness and conjoin his mindset with hers..."it didn't mean sh*t".  The fool is now wise...almost ready to become a fool yet again for someone that will appreciate such folly...someone worth it ;-)  And all the people said...hmmm...

For you fools out there...ask yourself "what is MY limit?"...

"Husband...Father..."

Two words that carry such weight with me.  Two words not taken lightly by real men.  Two words that only men of true honor can carry.  Each carries it's own weight.  Each carries it's own sacrifice.  Each means so much more than what the zeitgeist would have you believe.  Some men have the audacity to call themselves fathers simply because they stand as banks where their children can withdraw from while their children can scarecly ever remember having a deep conversation about life with said "father".  They will tell you..."I never really knew him".  What about the "husband" that feels the same?  The prick that pays no attention to his wife until he needs to "get off" or he wants something.  He thinks he owns her because he provides a roof over her head.  Meanwhile, she's just a stranger to him that serves as a cum depository.  These men wear the moniker of "husband" or "father" simply because they can provide externals and some women have settled into that bullsh*t so they don't ask for more.  What's worse is that they train their children the same way.  Not to expect anything more from Dad because he works so hard.  Boo-f*ckin-hoo...cry me a f*ckin river.  I'm sorry but you don't get to wear those crowns without sacrifice homeboy.  MAKE time for the ones you are now responsible for.

A father not only provides...he is there to instruct, to guide, to share and to cry with.  He is the example for the next generation to follow.  The husband is more than just one that sustains your externals but one that tends to your internals as well.  One that cares when you have something to say.  One that listens as your body says..."no, not there...here".  One that just doesn't f*ck you...but one that makes passionate love to you more often than not.  His time and body is no longer just his own...it belongs to you woman, child.  If you are conscientious, then the reverse is the same for you as THIS is what makes a unit strong.  Self-denial is key.  Your time out with your boys is not as important as a quiet night with your wife and/or kids.  Priority MUST be set right.

Some people dream of having a family.  They put that right up there with unicorns and rainbows by adding white picket fences, a dog and 2.2 kids.  Guess what, that happens...sometimes...but most of the time you will be faced with problems whose resolution is anything but simple.  Choices you must make on your own.  Choices that don't even involve money.  Nine times out of ten, there won't be no white picket fences.  As much as you plan and as much as you save...the dream is just that...a dream.  Here is the reality.  YOU made a choice.  From the quasi adult to the stupid teenager.  YOU decided it was ok NOT to use a condom the night you picked up that silly ass chick from the bar.  YOU decided you were "grown" enough to sleep with little Billy over there.  YOU decided to bring forth a child into this world so it is YOU that must make the tough choices, not anyone else.  Your parents may be able to offer advice but their job was to raise you and if they did a sh*tty job...oh well, do better but understand something...that baby gets bigger.  The child will need direction, not just food.  The teenager will need guidance, not just the latest pair of sneakers.  It's not a game nor is it a fantasy...it's as true as life gets....THIS is real life.

I say this to you as a man.  I am not a boy.  A boy sees his lusts and desires as winds worthy to glide on.  A man sees his lusts and desires and asks "will this hurt the ones I love?" before jumping off into them.  If they do, the winds end there.  Speaking to my brother on this topic, a real man himself, brought forth in me the memory of how seriously I took my oath and my responsibility as both and how I still see them today.  As you can tell, I still see them as something grand...something of a "next level" for a man.  The childless will NEVER understand what it is to have responsibility like that of having a child.  Not one you paw off on mom or dad to handle while you go out and party...YOUR OWN responsibility.  The one that takes away your time for self and turns you into steel for the sake of someone else.  They don't know sh*t about it.  Do me favor and save the terms "father", "mother", "husband" and "wife" for real men and women...the self-less.

Lest I seem utterly bleak in my quasi rant...I will say this; The real man and the real woman experience something extraordinary when they say "I do" or when they hear the first heartbeat coming from the womb of the mother.  They know that from that moment on, their world is to drastically change.  They understand well, that their heart now beats for more than just themselves.  Their lives will never be the same again.  They now have purpose that will live beyond their own years.  They understand how true a "word" must be and they know how real a "life" is.  At that point, white picket fences and dogs mean absolutely nothing because they now fade into the reality of the joy of the new life.  The dream can never compare to the love that one experiences when vows are exchanged and even more so when that new baby is held for the first time.  Having experienced both I can tell you that there is nothing like it in this world...

Its Funny But Today...

I think will be a great day for me.  A beautiful person I know will have a birthday and I will become godfather to a very cute kid.  Could you believe that?!?!  Godfather...me.  From now on, I will be making offers no one can ever refuse LOL  I foresee I will be running with that joke for as long as I can stand it LOL  May God bless little Gavin and little Hillary as well...

As for the birthday girl.  Wow, what can I say about her?  She has shown herself to be a woman of honor and for someone so strikingly beautiful...THAT is rare.  She had impressed me from the start and as yet to stop impressing me.  I call her "friend" today and am privileged to have that honor.  Folks, this is the kind of woman that could have easily turned out to be an asshole.  Given the accolades and attention she gets it's an amazing thing she's such a great person as well.  I mean I know women no where near as hot that think themselves "the sh*t" treating men like crap but this one?  Outweighs them all and still has a heart of gold.  Only God can make em like that and I am so glad to know her.  Happy birthday sweetheart, may God continue lovin on you with more years, grace and beauty.

It is women like this that keep me believing...with great love...Happy birthday Yesenia  :-)

YES!!!...

"...TO THE SKY!!!"

Well People, The Time Has FINALLY Come...

Jennifer Lopez is finally a free woman!!!  She and Marc Anthony are splitting up after seven years of marriage...yay?  I wonder how many sorry sacks out there are happy and belting out shouts of "WOW, I finally have a shot!!!" LOL  The realty is that in my case, Jennifer Lopez never really did it for me.  Would I say no if she asked me out?   Hell no, I ain't crazy, but the fact of the matter is the populace went crazy simply because she had a big ass.  Something I am so accustomed to as a Latin man.  I mean, I can walk down 5th Avenue in Sunset Park and see the exact same thing 20 times over...I guess that's why I was never really blown away.  Most of the women I've known had an ass that could rival hers.  I'm talkin Onion Booty's that would make you cry when exposed lol  I could name them but my readers would probably know some of them lol  Hell, one of them even has a birthday coming up ;-)  I've said too much...or just enough lol

But yeah folks, I am an ass man and I have no shame in that confession.  I love a woman with a big ass...just not a big ass woman.  Yes, there is a difference.  A big ass woman is just big everywhere.  A woman with a big ass usually has a big ass, thighs and a smaller waistline.  Tie-ins people...it's all about the tie-ins.  How the pieces tie into each other adds greatly to the appeal of the female form and I have been privileged, nay, BLESSED at having known some of the better asses on this beautiful planet of ours lol

Just sayin folks...a little levity at times is always a good thing :-)

As I Get Older...

I can understand my father so much more.  Growing up, I never really understood why he was still so helpful to my mother even after they divorced.  Why they would engage in long thoughtful conversations well into midnight...even years after they had split.  After bitter court battles and fights that would rival the greatest matches you could mention, they would always find a place to laugh.  A place of accord.  At times I have found myself in the midst of uncomfortable awkwardness when they would be in the same room...only because they would get giddy and silly around each other.  I never really understood him until now.  I guess I missed the deeper meaning everytime I heard him say "Your mother is a good woman".  He always told me she had her ways but that she was still..."a good woman".  Contemplating what's out there today...that says a whole lot.

I can now see that the wind in his sails was not only an enduring love for her but more so, a strong sense of duty.  As if to say..."If any woman on earth is worthy of any help I could offer, it would be her...SHE is a good woman".  Some women I know deserve the world and if I had it in me to give it to them, I wouldn't hesitate in the slightest.  I understand more so today that the value of a good woman is beyond priceless and worthy of anything a man can offer.  Some men don't know what they have and foolishly believe that toys and flowers are enough to keep their women happy.  Sure, that is until someone penniless comes along and wisely begins to tend to their soul.  At that point, it's only a matter of time.  Men, take a good look at the woman beside you, the mother of your children, your partner in crime, your bed mate...your friend.  Be sure and true NEVER to take what you have for granted.  Consider yourself blessed and let her know it...let her feel it.  When you look around and realize that she stands apart among women...you will breathe your sigh of relief yes, but don't stop there.  Gift your gift with all she deserves.  Even if the day comes that you are not a couple anymore...if she truly is a good woman, you will find that she will still be worthy of all you have to offer.  Be a man and gift your gift with more than just toys and temporary appeasement...gift your gift with you...

Honesty...

"Is such a lonely word, everyone is so untrue..." 

Wow, such powerful lyric by Billy Joel.  Such truth is rarely ever heard anymore.  The word stands among the many that have taken a back seat to "fun" and "me" and "I" and the infamous phrase..."f*ck it".  Everything that extends outward is sadly scarecly found in the lexicon of men.  There are those that openly show their good deeds but in private are the epitome of selfish.  I could give a sh*t as to what I saw you do...do something of valor sight unseen...then, and only then, do you impress me.  Let me catch you unawares in a self-less act.  Let me see you say no to the woman that propositions you with "your wife will never know".  Let me watch as you say no when someone tells you that hurting someone else secretly would be a blast.  Go ahead and impress me...go ahead.  Yeah...fat f*ckin chance...

Lest I be considered a hypocrite, you should know I am aware I am not perfect but even in my imperfection you will find a standard and a code I live by.  I live my life knowing I am always being watched.  Knowing that God will judge me.  I know what awaits me...I know where I need to make good.  I can judge because I've already judged myself publicly.  My friends know all I do because they deserve to.  As for honesty, I will tell you the truth about my plight.  Not for sympathy, but so you know that even the strongest have their fair share of moments at trial.  What sets us apart is that we choose to face our demons head on as opposed to drowning them with fantastic made up explanations that appease the mind but do nothing for the soul.  The unadulterated truth about me is way more than just surface bullsh*t.  My pain is not over the loss of a woman as it may seem.  My pain is not influenced or heightened by sad love songs.  This pain I struggle with is an honest pain.  My pain has everything to do with the fact that this big man full of wisdom and experience could fall so easily for such bullsh*t.  That he would make excuses for every infraction, for every lie...for everything done to him.  ALL for the sake of a noble word...LOVE.  My pain has me questioning my judgement...questioning my manhood and pride.  My struggle spirals me to the less than ordinary plain and makes me a seemingly insecure man...something I know I am not.  What a ride I had.  All I wanted to do was love her...all I wanted to do was start the second half of my life with someone I had great passion for and in the end was left with an empty enigmatic question..."Why won't she let me love her?"  A question I will never have an answer for.  I face each day with these facts before me.  I don't drown myself in work or entertainment.  I don't use temporary placemats.  What is for me...is.  Why?  Why place myself in such duress?  Answering these questions reveal the dirty little secret among the strong.  THIS is what makes us strong.  We are strong because we face our weakness.  We are strong because we don't run from what is.  We are strong because we choose to suffer until we have mastered that which we do not understand about ourselves...bringing that weakness under by identifying it's root cause and learning how to kill it so that it never rears it's ugly head again.  This woman that did so much to me as yet has my love and there is the brutal honesty.  A fact that I hate and is something that for the first time in my life brings forth feelings of great regret.  I regret very few things in life but as I have been dealing with this I could find very little merit to my wasted years.  It would take a miracle for there to ever be an "us" again...it's something I'm not holding my breath for.  Given all this that I know to be true...to learn how to live and navigate through these facts takes a will and a wisdom the ordinary just can't handle.  When I'm done and through this, I will be more than I was.  I will be able to love without unfairly tainting the present with the past...all while maintaining my true self...a better self.  Pray with me that it happens folks.

Folks, at my 37 years of age I had a conversation with a great man.  He told me that he is in a relationship with a woman he dislikes.  He says he stays because the many years he's been at her side had engendered a love for her.  I know this man very well and I know that he knows what it is to cry and agonize over the loss of one he loves...that it is something that at his age, he would never want to experience again.  So this great man has decided to suffer the humiliation of being treated like sh*t just so he won't go through the pain of loss and loneliness.  His woman has no idea what she has and how to care for such a prize.  Friends, please don't ever settle for unhappiness at the hands of another.  If your level of passion is not being reciprocated by the one you're with do yourself a favor and show them how much you're worth...by saying goodbye.  I know what he went through when he lost a certain woman to divorce but he was never as open about his passion as I am.  I understood more and certain pieces gave my scattered puzzle better form.  After that conversation, I now understand that I am facing something within that is inherited...something I choose to beat.  Like everything else in my life that has held me back from progression...I will kill this too.  I would rather face unhappiness because I have decided to be alone than face unhappiness at the hands of another that is only there because they need someone around.  My friends, be wise in all that you do and above all things...be honest.   With great love...I'm out...