All By Love...

To stand upon a wave of purposed time is to sail by way of only your feet. To see the glimpses of a future you did not expect to see. Where all that was thrown and tossed aside somehow survives in a panoramic view as yet unrealized. For a love and hope long-suffered that was never meant to return void. For all that lives, once touched, shall be touched again, seen again... and come to be known again. Yet now, falling into spaces that were set aside for them from the beginning towards a beautiful end. My love, there is no road without loss and pain. None worthy of life and love that did not see moments of failure... rising, struggle... and redemption. Only to gain and steady in the end. Embrace and kiss the heart that holds true. Without malice, greed or need of ownership. Rest in the open hand that true love affords. Surrender to the hope breath has ever so softly inspired... it's ok...

Some by air, some by fire. All by love...

~moses apollo

This Time...

 

I think about her all the time
She's my fantasy
An image burnin' in my mind

Callin' out to me
While my imagination's runnin' wild
Yeah, things are getting clearer, oh oh

This time everything is alright
No way she's gonna get away
This time everything is easy
Any day, I'm gonna make her mine
I've thought of every word I'd say

Give or take a few
But she turns and slowly walks away
What do I have to do
Hey, turnin up your radio
Oh, there's somethin' I want you to know, yeah
This time everything is alright

No way she's gonna get away

This time everything is easy

Any day, I'm gonna make her mine
Yeah I'm gonna make her mine, this time
It's hard to take 'cause she's miles away
And I've waited a long time
But the feelin's right, darlin' one of these nights

Yeah, I'm gonna let you know, oh oh
This time everything is alright
No way she's gonna get away
This time everything is easy
Any day, I'm gonna make her mine
This time everything is alright
No way she's gonna get away
This time everything is easy
Any day, I'm gonna make her mine
Yeah I'm gonna make her mine, oh yeah
This time...

~Bryan Adams

The Longer Road...

This entry is mainly for me to organize certain thoughts. Trying to articulate what the hell has been going on with me. If it seems a bit disjointed... just disregard that.

There have been internal physical issues that I've been dealing with for years. For the most part, I saw these things as a nuisance. The problem has been that they seldom "hit" but when they do "hit"... they hit hard enough to become disruptive and since my heart situation has yielded impressive results, I've decided to knock these out as well. Since then, my research has taken me to notice a few things I've not heard come out of anyone's mouth. I hear A LOT about age related decline and "winding down". Except that for me... it's as though people are trying to convince me of it as opposed to actually feeling it or in my case... even looking the part. What I DON'T hear? Maybe we are meant to evolve as opposed to simply shutting down.

In my research, I found that my taking care of these nuisances would actually enhance abilities in me that I never even considered. I won't mention what they are but I can assure you that "improvement" wasn't something I was even looking at. Fixing these nuisances apparently have interesting secondary benefits I just recently became aware of. You see, most people have decided to "live with" such things as though it were a fact of life when in reality... we were literally meant to continue to improve beyond what everyone thinks are the cut-off points of "youth". My research has brought me to the conclusion that to "live with" certain health issues may actually be cutting off your ultimate potential in other areas and for me, that simply won't do. What do I mean? One example I can point to is training. Most of my life I trained my bodyparts 3 times a week for a certain result. To do this now is possible but I noticed a few years ago, it began yielding diminishing returns. I then decided to pull back to training bodyparts 2 times a week and saw myself yielding better results WITHOUT the diminishing returns. "Well that just means you have to slow down!!" Yes & no... to put it like that denotes a deficiency when what it actually means is that my body has matured in its' ability to maintain an above average baseline of muscle without as much effort as it took to get there. What does this mean for "life"? It means less time & energy spent on training which in turn means more time to "live" & improve in other areas. 

To illustrate what I mean, consider the fact that the master swordsman expends way less energy than an intermediate swordsman would. Why? His muscle memory instinctively guides his basic movement to attack and parry against the more complex/flashy movement most unseasoned swordsmen would bring to the table. He "wins" with less effort. Not because he must or because he is weaker now but because he has evolved into his "best". To attempt to go beyond that would be detrimental to how far he's come via diminishing returns. Again... "mindset" is EVERYTHING. To believe that this is "winding down" is a fallacy. What this is really... is evolution and I intend to ride this wave as far as it takes me. If I thought I was "good" at something... I intend to become "great" at it. THAT is my road. I can already see it happening but I must accept that it is so. To understand me is to accept that I am a man that challenges the status quo in my heart of hearts from the standpoint of "how does this affect me?". I don't want to be different to be seen as edgy or to be seen at all. I just know that most of our zeitgeist carries ideas that are incomplete or straight out false. I just want to live out TRUTH. Deeper than "my truth" or this or that truth. Beyond conspiracy theory or conjecture. THE truth you feel me? The one that peels back all the layers of bullsh*t laid on thick that were meant to shield us from discomfort or even growth. I know that only in this... can we ever hope to meet our next level best.

The question that I've not tackled yet is a bit more profound. If I'm right about this and the physical has and always will work the same as our innermost, what does that say about emotional maturity? Do emotions evolve the same way? My soulish heart feels heavy at times. Overworked, used and sometimes exhausted from "feeling" so much. I've wanted to "shut down" many times but refuse to as that would diminish all I truly am. So what's the answer? What I know is that the answer is NOT "winding down". The answer might be akin to accepting the emotional logic learned at master levels while exploring those emotionally unchecked areas that arise without allowing them to disrupt all I've built (if I could help it). This way, we should continue to evolve without ever "checking out". Learning to center and focus passion. All while increasing the passion for that which we're focused on. Sounds right but it's all questions at this point of my introspection. I know I'll get clarity soon enough. It's a process baby!! I'm out...

~moses apollo

Read Me...

Read me... 

And feed me with your beautiful smile. Love me with your heartfelt sigh. Kiss me with your eyes closed. Embrace me with a sweet-like chuckle... and with the way you try so hard to hold in your satisfaction when I can't stop smiling at the thought of you. As I breathe out my love for you on digital pages... feel me. As I see you loving me between the musical notes of beautifully inspired song... dance for me. Let me know by inner reach that it means something to you that you can still fill these pages by your existence alone. Let me know that you love more than just the idea of me. That I am more than just a fantasy... that these words are life to you. That you see me for all that I am... and still love me...

Because then and only then... will I be permitted to finally prove you right...

~moses apollo  

Thoughts In Panorama...

Thoughts in panorama invade my mind like an unannounced visitor popping in. Images articulating us... doing what we want. No guessing game. No one person initiating anything... just taking each other like two people finally getting to have a meal after not having eaten in weeks. Except this time... we were standing. Who got the wall depended on what we were doing... and we were hungry. You leaning on me... me leaning on you. Hard makin out, writhin on each other with aims to cum. Coats on the floor with no thought of what fell next. Not caring that someone could show up at any moment at our secluded (but public) spot. As usual... something special... and nice. Had to shake that sh*t off. Way too much on my plate to entertain it... it was fun though.

Now some of you new cats will read this and other pieces I've written and naturally mistake this as being about "lust" and me just wanting to just "get off" when the reality is... to me this means so much more. To see this as nothing but a selfish need from a man you've read enough to know wants more is simply a projection of what you've never truly had or experienced yourself. Besides, I am in no way a "hard up" man. To say so is not bragging. It just is as it is. I just want more than most "need" because sexual "need" for me... doesn't mean a damn thing. 

For me... sexual intimacy with one you're connected with is more than just a physical endeavor. It is a heart endeavor. When understood correctly, it is a deep expression of love manifested as a type of worship (worth-ship). A moments' surrender of not just the body... but of the mind and heart as well. It's like floating in an ocean... where the water is just right. When in love?... my soul is in the flow. There are even times, when the heightened energy flow is so strong, that even my own orgasm doesn't really matter as much. So long as she is pleasured, I'm more than good. I know it's hard to believe but it's absolutely true. You see, this all started when I began my studies to become a better lover for my then wife. Up till then, it was all about satiating lust but when I began to learn how much more it was actually meant to be... I endeavored to experience it firsthand and experiencing it means only wanting it more. It became more about giving pleasure as an act of love than about solely receiving pleasure as a man. So many things came into clarity and practice: The idea that foreplay begins long before you touch her. The truth behind an empathetic touch that have you studying the beauty of her movements. Even the "tell" in the linger of a kiss... all poetry come to life. The proportional balance of the masculine/feminine energy of my manhood became crystalized in not just the act, but in the way I saw my lover as well. Lessening all that came before... and bettering all that would come since. All through subtleties that eventually become so unique to you, they can never be articulated... only beautifully revealed. 

Yeah, it is funny how much more you could become when you're looking to become self-less for the one you love and for this... I am grateful. Although now... it's become my way and even though it makes me extremely picky, I wouldn't change a thing. Does this mean that every time is gonna be a flight risk? No, after that experience, there is a spectrum of sexual satisfaction you can have with your lover. Clean, dirty, marathons, quickies... you run the damn gamut. It just becomes way freer. More organic... even in those moments requiring a schedule lol Anyway... glean what you can my beautiful people. I'm out...

~moses apollo 

My Short Reminders...

"remember..."

First: shut up, listen and observe those you're unsure about. Watch how they treat people that can do nothing for them. Never commit to invest any energy (good or bad... maintain indifference) until you know for sure. Just be mindful to take notice if they are being "kind" for your benefit. Some know when they are being "seen". I've written this one out before but for some reason... I perceive it requires repeating. 

Secondly and this is a BIG one: When the "powers that be" cannot convince you (or the civilized) to do evil for the sake of evil, be mindful when they try to get you to do evil for the sake of "good". Always reason out your newfound "cause". Ask yourself what the endgame is of those championing it. Then ask yourself; if they had not presented it in a way that got you to jump on (appealing to your sense of fairness, "justice" or passion) board... would you support their endgame? If not?... Jump off & quickly change your mindset. Never allow anything or anyone to provide justification for evil under the guise of "fighting injustice". You are fooling yourself if you think you're doing any good. I've seen too many "good" people get swept away by mobs droning for things they would never in a million years normally accept for the sake of being on a "right side of history" defined by manipulators and liars.

Lastly but most definitely not least: Remain honorable to who you are. Beautiful with eyes wide open, strong yes, but soft in all the right places, loyal to what is worthy of it, caring to those you love, hopeful to a fault, faithful to what is true... and passionate for the salt of life. All the wonderful things that make for a good man or woman. Always remember that although value is measured by money and "stuff" today, that such things are an illusion. They can and are often used as a mask to hide insecurities... or even evils. Stay mindful that value is in fact measured by wealth but that the only wealth that carries the most weight... is of the soul. The richness of all that you are is what keeps you loving, kind and forgiving. Even in the midst of pain. Remember this as your circumstances improve. Hold this to heart. Make it a daily insistence to become greater than you are. Beyond anything you can own... NOTHING will outdo a beautiful soul. Remember that my beautiful, phenomenal, pretty people. Much love... I'm out.

~moses apollo

Can You?...

 

"Sunny days... everybody loves them. Tell me baby; can you stand the rain?"

On a perfect day, I know that I can count on you

When that's not possible

Tell me can you weather the storm?

'Cause I need somebody who will stand by me

Through the good times and bad times

She will always, always be right there

Sunny days, everybody loves them

Tell me, baby, can you stand the rain?

Storms will come

This we know for sure (this we know for sure)

Can you stand the rain?

Love unconditional, I'm not asking just of you

And girl to make it last

I'll do whatever needs to be done

But I need somebody

Who will stand by me (yeah)

When it's tough, she won't run

She will always, be right there for me

Sunny days, everybody loves them, tell me, baby

Can you stand the rain? (Can you stand it?)

Storms will come (I know, I know all the days won't be perfect)

This we know for sure (but tell me can you stand it)

Can you stand the rain? (Can you stand the rain?)

Can you stand the rain? (Can you stand the rain?)

Can you stand the rain? (No pressure, no pressure from me, baby)

This we know for sure

Can you stand the rain? ('Cause I want you, and I need you, and I love you, girl)

(Tell me, baby)

Can you stand the rain? (Will you be there for me?)

Come on, baby, let's go get wet

Can you stand the rain? (Can you stand the rain?)

Can you stand the rain? (Will you be there, girl?)

Can you stand the rain? (Storms will come for sure)

Can you stand the rain? (Can you stand the rain?)

Can you stand the rain? (This we know for sure)

Can you stand the rain?

Can you stand the rain? (This we know for sure)

Can you stand the rain?

Can you stand the rain? (This we know for sure)

Can you stand the rain?

Can you stand the rain?

Yeah, it's kinda, but I know, I know I'll be right there

(Can you stand the rain?)

Yeah, yeah, yeah

~New Edition

In My Life...

"In my life... I love you more..."

Logistics phase has arrived and I'll admit to being a bit befuddled. I thought I knew what to do but I didn't expect it to be this complicated. Although the outlines are slowly taking shape. It's funny because you can see a middle and sometimes an end but what you seldom see... is how you get there. And more than this... I've come to the realization that (like with so many other things) I alone have seen it all along. I thought a few others shared my vision but to see some get excited now like it was never really true for them TILL now is cool... but a bit of an eye opener. Am I surprised? Not that much. I've already learned that lesson so believe me it's cool. It's just that I have seen where it will be both bittersweet and sweet... both scary and exciting and how at some point... an order of divine freedom will abound. That easy take on life and love that I've been longing for will be mine. What is unclear is with who and where but that might just be the exciting part... finding out :-) I rule nothing out because I know how things can easily go. Something new can arise out of nowhere and what you think has gone can somehow return. Though uncertain... everything is on the table... 

Yet in all this uncertainty... one thing remains certain. What I spoke in my last post to that one particular person (sorry if you all didn't understand that) remains applicable to all those I have loved and promised to be there for. Yes... I need to rest but duty and love... is duty and love. I can not fail in this regard. Yes, that even applies to those that think we're on the "outs"... I'm not petty like that. I think I've proven that much throughout the years but I digress. Been through the ringer these past few months and that is the best indication of one thing: "where sin (evil, trial, testing) abounds... grace (blessings, promise, fulfillment) abounds even more". The greater the test, the greater the blessing that follows. Which means, that for me... "life" is about to begin renewed. I am more than ok with that ;-) 

For those that have wondered about me that have made their way onto the heaviness of my heart... rest assured that I am ok. Turns out that the speed of my recovery may have triggered a flutter that required a procedure be done on my heart. Oddly enough? It feels like I'm "enhanced" in some way. Very hard to explain and I don't think most understand when I try to so... I just won't lol It just feels "different". I actually had to sit with it for awhile before accepting some things about it. It's like attaining the ability to fly but deciding to walk instead. Until I understand it better... I'm walkin just fine. So now, I'm on to things I've been neglecting. It's about time I iron out all my other wrinkles of health I've ignored for far too long. I've got a journey ahead of me that I can not afford to half-step.

So folks, if there is anything I'd like you to glean from this rambling update it's this: Prepare yourselves for change. A shift is coming. A shift in the form of a fork is about to take place (find out what that means). Bring up your health, keep tabs on those you love and study the "weather patterns" as they shift. I'm out my loves... be at peace. My love ever goes with you...

~moses apollo

Lookin For Moses...

"Baby, I can feel your halo. Pray it won't fade away..."

Hey you!! It's been years since we last spoke... welcome. I remember when you once asked me "How do you do that?" Well, consider this no different. Except now... the dial has been turned up to eight from what was once a four and I believe you've sought me out to either ask me a question you think only I can answer or you just want to know if you can still hear my voice as you once did. The answer to the latter will always be "yes" but given your circumstance and due to my care in wanting to remain respectful, I cannot be the one to reach out as you already know but in this, my space... I can write as I please. You're just a reader that "came by here honestly" ;-)

I made a promise to always be there if you needed me. Know that this gladly and dutifully still stands true and always will. As to your question, I perceive the answer is one you already have the answer to but may simply be asking me to validate it in which case... I've already answered it ;-) You know what you need to do and I trust you will do as you must. Knowing the truth and acting on it honorably is two different things. Sweeping things under the rug does no one any good as that is an act of dishonoring the truth by living a lie. Settle what you must and live out life honorably darlin. Your heart will thank you for it... trust me :-)

If ever you need me for anything... let me know. My number has changed since we last spoke but my email remains the same. I'm not on social media outside of Twitter (now X ugh) as moeapollo. MUCH has happened (both good and bad) and much has changed but thankfully... I've only advanced in the midst of it all. If things go as I see them going... this month will be interesting to say the least. Hope to hear from you someday. Stay blessed darlin...

~moses apollo   

Mad Love...

 

" ...and when you're lovin me I'm fine... so love me, one more time..."

And though I've tried to reach you

And time is closing in on me

Most of us

Can carry on as if nothing ever matters

But I ask you my love

Will you hold on to me forever?

But when you love me I'm fine

So love me just one more time

Cause when I said, I love you

That's forever

Do you remember when sunrise meant

That we should close are eyes

And words were just obstacles

Between our hello's and our goodbye's

And I was your savior

And you were my queen

And love was the answer

To just about everything

But when you love me I'm fine

So love me just one more time

Cause when I said, I love you

That's forever

Can you take me?

Take me from this hollow place

Can you hold me?

Hold me

And take away this pain

I'll always remember the part

When you'll always remind me

Of the possibilities

And maybe you and I will re-fall

Re-tune and find a way

But when you love me I'm fine

So love me just one more time

Cause when I said, I love you

That's forever

And I'm trying to reach you

Do you remember my touch

Like old friends

And I smile at you

Then we both start laughing

Now I'm a man of fortune

I'm a man that's free

But life with out you

Is true poverty

I'm a man of promise

My faith aside

Let's save ourselves

To stay alive

But when you love me I'm fine

So love me just one more time

Cause when I said, I love you

That's forever

I've tried to reach you

Do you remember the first time?

When I smile at you

Then we both start laughing

And I said, I'm a man of fortune, I'm a man that's free

But life with out you keeps haunting me

~draco rosa

If Only - A Poem by Moe

"...fools rush in, and here I am... very glad to be unhappy..."

with heart in hand

he breathes unplanned

"if only" cried his soul

now looking back

at broken track

he feels the gaping hole

with nothing left

but memory's depth

and aches that long to die

he knows the way

and what to pray

to seal this last goodbye

~moses

Carry Your World...

"...I'll carry your world..."

Sometimes I sit in silence, other times I have to say what's on my mind and heart. How do you not tell the truth to someone you really care about or love? How do you sit and watch them make a mistake without giving at least a word of warning? I'm not built like that. It's difficult at times when I'm approached for advice by the women that have a place in my heart after they have found someone new. The finding someone new part is not what makes it difficult since we developed an understanding from the start. It's the ones that do the approaching that disturb me. While a few are just a wash (harmless, incompatible, not going anywhere) most turn out to be horrible but the thing is, I can see it before it happens. Sometimes... it's even worse than even I could see. I will admit to believing no man will ever be good enough for these women but I've learned to put that aside to remain objective in my assessment. Yet every time I give my assessment, I only hope they don't feel I'm trying to keep them to myself. I just know what I know and sometimes... it really sucks.

I had a talk with one of these beautiful souls today and she told me just how big of a bullet she dodged as she came to find out more about a once prospective suitor we had spoken about... I shuttered inside. Aside from living on the other side of the world (convenient when a cheater has a significant other he wouldn't want his side chick bumping into), this next piece of "news" was the grand-daddy of them all. I didn't let on how bad I thought that could've gone had it continued but it could've been really bad. What's worse? There was no way she could've known this piece of info right away. She had to take her time but emotions came on quickly. Blinding her from vetting any further. It happens all the time folks (yes... me too). Thankfully, it only ended with hurt feelings but it could've gone way worse and she wouldn't have deserved ANY of it. From this what I can say is this: 

"Speak the truth in love"

If you see your friend or lover heading down a road that you know will (or even can be) detrimental to them... do your part. Folk want "support" these days but they don't want what they consider "negativity" when the truth is that sometimes real support requires reality. Sometimes... reality doesn't come all sweet and cuddly. If they can't accept this, too f*ckin bad. Say it and move on anyway. Some will get upset but that ain't on you. What IS on you, is your duty to them and when love is true... there can only be truth. Now just to be clear, it doesn't always require a hammer. Tact is important but what is more important is that you grant them a perspective that isn't about coddling... but about keepin it real and maybe even keeping them safe from something your eyes can catch that theirs can't. I am just so very thankful that my Lord has this particular soul in His care. As one in insane demand, she has and will have MANY come and go her way but I will always do my part and I will do the same for all those I house in my heart. I pray you all continue to do the same for your own. I'm out...

~moses apollo 

Conflicted... and Happily So...

"...watch me... disappear..."

I'm always in "search mode" and here are some thoughts (for myself mainly) along the way:

First... quickly for the new folk: I always find it hard to share this stuff because I am usually judged by the narrow minded as being "full of myself" or the other rarely often used term: "narcissistic" lol So where am I supposed to share this? Do I keep this introspection to myself or do I share it with my male confidants alone whose only response is "I wish I had your problems". Nah... I'll do as I please and anyone can judge me as they like. I am conflicted and I am happy to be so. If I wasn't so conflicted, then I'd know I had entered the "I don't give a f*ck asshole mode". So this "open book" will share what he means to. Moving on...

It is now crystalized for me (not sayin why) that my reality as a man is very different than most. Seems I can easily fall into an even worse bout of debauchery than before. Except this time, not as one testing limits but surpassing them with experience. Yet... I choose not to. The choices and options before me are interesting and eclectic... strange and beautiful. Yet with all that, I'd be just like every other mindless drone led on by their libido if I excessively indulged. Not me then... not me now. 

Watching how all this unfolds from the inside out has lead me to a truism. If I ever loved or was interested in anyone, it was always because of their "type"... they were the best. Aesthetically sure but even in personality and of mind, but most of all... of heart. There was always a "hook" beyond anything palpable. Something that set them apart. Irrespective of political views, ideology or religion. Hearts and lives that had a story to tell. Something that always made them beautiful to me. From all I had to choose... I always went with greatness. Greatness, that wasn't always apparent to them. Due to this... I have no regrets and it is still so. And here, in this piece I'm still asking... what do I really want?

I recently heard a woman say that "a woman should be a man's peace" and that simple line resonated with my soul in a shocking way. I'd normally use the word "cool" to articulate that kind of peace but I don't think that went far enough. What that means for me exactly is not entirely clear but above all... it should begin with a love that chooses to believe in the man I am at my core no matter what. Mistakes, failures and all. Not too much to ask for but it is apparent to me that we live in an age that questions everything and there is a justification for it except when what is clearly marked "true and real" is lumped in with what is not. I'm just so over having to contend with all that. My internal monolog is getting used to settling things with the question: "you trust me or not? if not... I'm not the man for you"... simple. Is it though? I'm not so sure and that's ok too. 

I know in time I'll figure it out. A bit ago I tried dipping my toe into the more conventional way of doing things (meet-ups etc). I figured the climate was ripe to see if I could finally have some questions answered via baby steps but got a tacitly slammed door on the whole endeavor. I suppose that was an answer in itself but it also allowed me to learn even more about what I want and what I will never again accept. I am grateful for that as it allows me to keep growing. We all need a foundation of truth about ourselves that can withstand what is meant to evolve above it all. I know what I know and what I don't know... always comes to me in time. Ups and downs, trials, errors, joys and accomplishments... all part of a life that is meant to either add to our foundations or aid us in our evolution but everything requires truths to build upon. Always remember my beautiful people: "Believe in nothing... fall for anything". I'm out...

~moses apollo

A Time Like This...

"...all this time... I've never known a time like this..."

How do you quantify what is truly in a person's soul? It takes a listening ear, a watchful, mindful, understanding eye... and time. No matter how stoic or stuck to a script they are, folk will always reveal themselves. Most often, the same is done to me and I wouldn't have it any other way (except when its done with a spirit of incredulity). With me, most will find that "what you see is what you get". As it turns out, after so many disappointments and fakes... most people just can't handle that. As I've said many times before, I've found that folk would rather the liar. They are much easier to run playbooks on. You have volumes of information on what to do with them but on the men of honor? Not much if anything at all. You'd say "no, those are the ones you marry... you stop looking after that". That makes a lot of sense yeah? Yet what if you meet an oddity? One of these that chose a free life because he's been down the married road already but chooses to live an honorable life within that freedom? An anomaly yes? Oh yes... 

I truly despise how "free men" are represented these days but I can't do anything about that. I can only allow my character and transparency to speak for itself. I make no bones about it. I LOVE beautiful things. Works of quality art that speak to both the eyes of my body and soul and you will watch as I openly seek to know them all. Yet unlike the cads that run wild today... without looking to "own" a thing. I'm looking to "admire", to "appreciate" and if allowed... to love what speaks to me even deeper. Not with the kind of love that is boxed up nicely with a bow. Instead... with a love that exists outside of anything anyone can easily reproduce that can meet any design God created. Understanding it will never be perfect... but at least "knowing"... it will always be real. 

Why bring this all up now? Because I was met with another one of those dreams last night and it has me a bit messed up. Don't know what to think about it anymore but for me, as of a bit ago... it was just a dream. A sweet-like dream... but a dream nonetheless. In the very same context, my friends would say that "I'm back" but ever since my heart situation, I'm finding I'm treading lighter than usual... more judicious. I alone can tell the subtle differences. Even with this more feral passion, I'm being careful as to what I decide to take on. No longer as quick to jump in as I was before but to my sweet and grateful surprise... the waters are most definitely fine...

Now, to all my new readers. I have no idea where you all came from or what makes me such a fascinating read (seriously, this is not false humility lol) but thank you and welcome. My previous post was going to be my last for awhile but since there is such an interest, I will continue to write as honestly and organically as I can. As you all can now see... I'm a coat of many colors and that seems to work just fine for me. I won't promise I'll try to be more interesting or try to please anyone (never have on here) but I will continue writing what's on my heart. Maybe not everyday... but as often as I can. Stay blessed... I'm out

~moses apollo 

 

  

My "Thing"...

"I'm not the type to say I told you so... seems the hardest part of holdin on is lettin it go. When will we sing... a new song..."

He enters stage left, approaching the mic stand on a sticky floor. He clears his throat, and begins to speak into the microphone... eyes fixed on page. It's a poets den... a dive of ill repute, loosies and watered down drinks:

"To see so many and think of one. To touch so few but in profound ways. To examine and live a life of honor and duty for the sake of those you've never met. It all requires a kind of "thing" you dig? A sincere notion that a man should never raise his hand against his lover or ever use the word "bitch" to describe her. That he should never cum before she does... and that he should tell her that he loves her at least once a day. That if there should be need of memories... they'd serve to tell a mostly fond tale of a man that may not have been perfect... but loved well. And that all this should not be done just to "have" her but that it should be based on who he is as a man... in his soul. In short... that he should be sincerely different from everyone he's ever encountered... or anyone... she's ever known. Not to be "unique" for the sake of it... but because his innermost secret heart should lead him so...

Because sometimes... the hamster don't wheel baby..."

At the backdrop of snappin fingers, he folds up his one sheet and slips it into the inside pocket of his leather jacket... cool struttin away from the mic stand. He exits stage right. It's a poets den... a dive of ill repute, loosies and watered down drinks. It ain't exactly "him" but like most places... it somehow feels like "home"...

~moses apollo

A Vision...

"...but only after dark..."

I have someone in my life that has visions of my differing iterations from time to time. She's seen me in ways most of you all wouldn't know what to do with... but she could take it. Besides, it's better to only have to explain it to less than a handful than more than a few. This time she saw something different... she simply saw me on the ground as she picked me up. Why was this different? Because I'm usually the one doing the "picking up"...

I suddenly felt a warmth at the hearing of it. Eyes even welled up a bit. As though it was something I didn't know I needed to hear. In that moment... my sister picked me up.

Folks, you may have people in your life you know are strong. You know they have need for very little. You know they can always be turned to. You know they will be calling you back. Please don't take that for granted. Please don't forget that they are just as human as you are and although they may seem to not need encouragement... they will welcome it in ways that you may never fully comprehend. That call lasted all but 3 minutes but it's effective "charge" is good for about 3 years. Remember the strong... they weren't always so. I'm out...

~moses apollo  

October...

 

"but you go on...and on..."

I hear whispers that once blew in the wind turning into full on voices with clarity. Where the swings begin to settle... granting true independence a date set in stone. Where gun blasts into the sky demonstrate the celebration of freedom and prosperity finally come. Where I can sit and sigh in release. All the while knowing... when one challenge ends, another begins. October should prove interesting... on both a global and personal stage... interesting ;-)

~moses apollo

A Beautiful Thing...

"embrace me when you want... kiss me when you want..."

It is a beautiful thing to be loved...

To see someone swoon at the opening of your heart. To know they are grateful for your existence in their lives. To know that the tickle you feel in your belly at the thought of them is shared when they think of you too. Oh to feel the embrace of an "I'm so glad you're in my arms" and to be blessed to recriprocate a kiss that can go on forever in the expanse of a moment. And then... to also know that the pain of missing you has them wondering if it's worth it all, only to conclude... that it is. The good, the bad and the grand... the complex splendor of it all. Beyond the pains of the day and the wallows of night. 

It is a beautiful thing to be loved...

~moses apollo 

Come Find Me...

"I'm waiting here...for you..."

The day may come when you find yourself surrounded by folks that admire you or even want you for one reason or another. You don't exactly see what they see in you because the truth is, you didn't try to put on a show or try to be anything more than a better you. At first, you may decide to hide, but after some time, you realize that there's nothing you can do about how others perceive you. Good or bad... you are what you are and you refuse to downplay all that you are for the sake of appeasement or comfort. You decide to take what you are to do what you can with it. You can take the worst of yourself and go the selfish route or decide on the better route... to do what you can to help like-hearted others along their way. 

You take the good with the bad of it. A process that will have you experiencing the spectrum of humanity. From appreciation to disdain you receive it all and stay on mission. Even when slapped in the face, you persist because you know that what was given to you didn't come cheap so who the f*ck are you to complain. You are not exactly a sinner and you're not exactly a saint... you're just the "you" that sought the better of all you could become inside. No better or worse than anyone else. Just further along in the journey everyone has the ability to travail. You could walk ahead alone or take as many as would come with you. At first you look back and see many follow but as the years go by and the times change... only a few. You endeavor to keep going into undiscovered countries and places everyone warned you about. You press on. Every once and a while you find an oasis in your desert. At first, you meet those that were ahead of ahead of you that have decided they've gone far enough. Sometimes you inspire them to press on but most times... you press on alone. Until you come upon an empty oasis. An island you can claim as your own. It is here that you find rest...

In your downtime, you leave long notes, songs or poetry about your travels, loves and experiences so that any new travelers that come by can learn or relate from all you've come through. To encourage them on the press. To let them know... there's another island just up ahead... "come find me when you're ready." Other times, you don a purposed mask and head back a few miles. The mask you wear can be akin to the rich woman that decided to keep her public assistance to hide what she truly has or it can mirror the fitness enthusiast that no longer posts pictures of his physique to keep folks guessing as to whether or not "he fell off." A mask that helps reveal the truest intent of those that followed you. Each time coming back to the oasis a little more disheartened by what you see... but you press on. Understanding that the farther you go... the more alone you will be.

At this point you may feel the weight of loneliness slowing you down or leading you into disastrous distractions but you know and are reminded of something. That most of those you truly ever touched or loved at one time or another, whether it be physically, mentally or spiritually, are just a whisper away from finding you. From travailing along a similar path tailored to them. Knowing that some things can never be broken. Knowing that you carry the hearts of unbridled passion, tales and understanding that most could only dream of carrying. Knowing that no matter how you look at it... you are blessed.

As I've come to learn of the road along the way... one thing is undeniably true: This road is not just for special folk. It's not for some "elite" kind nor is it solely for the innately gifted. It is for every human being with the desire to travail it. Yes... that means you too. We ALL start walking it when we are born but too many these days have been distracted by what is now called "life" that they've just stopped at one oasis and called it "home"... something it was never meant to be. At the edge of the line of your existence, there is a place... a new oasis unlike the rest. With all the needed bells, whistles and timeless voices needed to proceed in growth with less effort or solitude. If I should ever reach this place without you... "come find me when you're ready". Time to press on... I'm out...

~moses apollo apolinaris  

Alone... Together...

Chet Baker and the sun rises with me. A long productive night behind me and an open hearted road ahead... that ain't half bad. A man of no regrets... thinkin I should find me some, but my conscience would just laugh and say, "Who the hell are you, kiddin?". See, I dig the quality loves that graciously meander by me, and my appetite is right on par these days... I'm just picky as hell and I still get extremely humbled by it all. Almost like I got a few lifetimes ahead of me you dig?... 

Who knows, maybe something will happen to change all that, but in the meantime... I do as I please without the full on tease. Just easy, baby... I'm out...

~moses apollo

If Only...

If only you could feel what I feel when I touch you from this very place. To feel your blood rush and the pulse of where it winds up. Engorging that beautifully hidden spot I aim to please with a tease and the light flicker of my tounge. If only you could see what I see...

Music drowns out all sound as it becomes the moments soundtrack. With closed eyes I can see you in the midst of ecstasy as the scented candle flickers on the bedside table... head back, mouth slightly open. Your breath is shallow but heavy. Your bare chest rises and falls as your head tilts back even more behind your pillow. Your legs tense as your heels dig into the bed giving rise to your pelvis. Your hands clasp on the bed as you begin to pump even harder into my face... making it easier for me to suck on that hidden spot while at the same time allowing my tounge to reach even deeper depths. Allowing me to taste all of you until you shiver from the pain of pleasure. The surrender of your release is both beautiful and satisfying... A sigh from the depths of your heart lets you know this was no fluke... that this was an expression of true love. Blessed to receive just as much as I was blessed to give. An eternal moment that belongs only to us... just as you feel it now. If we can experience this here...

If only...

Lust alone is not enough. It must find its place in the purity of love. In the surrender of it... if it is to become... "magic"

~moses apollo

And I Watched...

"...and you danced into the shadow of a black poplar tree... and I watched you..."

In all his postings and musings, there is much he'd love to say as prudence holds his tounge. 

Yet here he sits trying to find ways to say everything... without saying a word.

Teased the please... waived the fees. 

The heart that frees, takes back his keys... 

My moon has taken breath...

~moses apollo

Snapshots...

"Could you take my picture?

'Cause I won't remember, yeah..."

Take a snapshot of who and where you are right now. Look at the pic and ask yourself if that snapshot represents who you are holistically. Does it show all you've been through? Can someone take a look at it and come to the right conclusions? Probably not... now ask yourself why.

The wisest among us that suffer from extreme passion will tell you that only way they have ever learned anything that stuck was through trial and error. Book knowledge had to be proven before it became conviction. It had to be etched into soul by experience. The stubbornness of the impassioned soul is legendary in love and all else that requires "the press" but this "feature" is also a liability in that in order for it's bearer to learn, it must be humbled and that requires taking it to a near breaking point. Advice... isn't always enough. That pic you took? Was more than likely you in transition from the stupor of error into the sobriety of wisdom. How do I know? Look at me ;-)

Almost everything I know came from errors committed. Some external...most internal, but most if not all were followed up by a fluid conclusion through introspection that produced a palpable change. All I thought I was so certain of as a youth has either been refined or slapped away by the pain of trial... it's life my people. So whether in behavior, perspective or both... change through trial remains settled because it now carries a narrative of scars. Do you know why I still believe in those that have failed? Because I refuse to judge them on the snapshot and have come to know them enough holistically to understand that this "error" is something they may have needed to finally solidify another needed piece of their character's puzzle. The danger is found in the reality that they can either fall into despair or rebuild to build anew with all they've learned from what they've just come through and it sucks to watch them crash land into their own mirrors of introspection. In such cases, all you can do is do your best to lift them up again. Even if they've tossed you away or set you aside... keep prayin for them and do what you can from a distance if you can't get close. I've great training in this with my own flesh and blood on extreme levels. Friends and lovers ain't nothin compared to that...

So for my friends that, like myself, "suffer from extreme passion": if you find yourself crash landing on that mirror after an error, understand that you had to get there somehow. If it took this error to drag you to the place you most needed to be... consider yourself blessed that you now have a chance to learn from it all. To grow from it all. Yeah it can hurt sometimes but it's how we are designed to learn. Don't fool yourself... all our "great" comes balanced out with some "bad" we have to refine. We may not be able to cut it out of us but through trial and error we can learn to integrate it so that it will serve our "great". Dust yourself off... and begin again renewed... 

As for me, allow me to brag on my Lord a bit. I went and took a follow-up MRI of my heart and the results were nothing short of amazing. I'd say "miraculous" but I've seen my Lord do way greater than this. Ever since leaving the hospital, I really had no doubt... until the week before. It's always the freakin same. You psych yourself up for game day while training and you're sure of the outcome. Game day comes along and you start second guessing your prep lol In either case I showed "qualitatively improved" function on BOTH sides, doubled my VEF % (input/output) and all fibrosis is gone...yeah I'm gonna be around a long while and NOTHING and NO ONE can or will change that. Weapons are formed against me all the time but I've been promised they will NEVER prosper. So when I say "My Lord is good to me", I can say this without a doubt. Hey...it's been etched into my soul you dig? ;-) I'm out...   

These Hearts...

They beat soft and strong. They have the ability to believe on past what is seen. They cling to true promise and design. They do not waver... and though they may struggle at times... they do not fail. They are ripe for the vultures that look for cracks in their armor. Vultures that stand at the ready sniffing out the disease of loneliness that encases itself in beauty. Knowing that a few words and easy action will be enough to overcome the garbage that is available out there. That it will be enough to hide their selfish mal-intention long enough to seal the deal.

These hearts give their all only to be tossed aside on the cheap after the thrill is gone... when things get real. Left to suffer under a cloud of dissalussionment and doubt. Hearts that are designed to beat under the banner of purpose are slowly being suffocated by selfishness and greed. To my own detriment and loss, I've always endeavored to be the opposite of all that. To show these hearts that there are still (even if only a few left) men that see value in all they are. Men that will speak and show true loves design expressed in honor and passion. That would rather lose a thousand times over than break what God has beautifully and wonderfully made. Never to be walked on but always at the ready to show support, love and release as best they can. Remaining wise in the "doing"...

To these hearts I say: It was not all your fault. You did as your heart was designed to do. What its superpower was created to do... you loved with abandon and hope. With a love so rare, so "meant to be"... whose value has no price as it is given freely. Never shut off that spigot of hope, fire, desire and passion. Keep it alive and weep for those that lost it. Live and love as though you've no scars at all but keep those scars as life lessons branded into your souls skin. To now see through eyes of hope and passion matured. A maturity through experience that allows you the greater insight needed for even greater light and fire. To be able to shout out "here is my fire... and it now sees you bastards from miles away". Live on...love strong and only accept all you are worthy of. I will always believe in you... even when you can't. Even in the distance... even in the silence. With love...

~ moses apollo apolinaris