I had the pleasure of having a conversation with a dear friend of mine the other night. He began telling me a story of one of his regrets. As he shared this story I began to realize that his regret mirrored my own to a lesser extent. One that I understand may have no remedy and it is one that I have come to learn from. Yeah people...a lesson. This is the only way a regret can become an addition towards one's personal growth which then in time...loses the title of "regret" it once had. The only time this evolution doesn't take place is when it involves someone else. It remains a scar that itches at times. A bittersweet moment you wish you could take back but can't. I have them compartmentalized in those innermost places as moments I can do nothing about and as such, they neither move me to sorrow nor catapult me into undo action.
My lesson became clearer through self examination a few years ago. You see, souls of thought and calculation can make the mistake of needing proof beyond that which is evident already. Some have been hurt so badly going down a road they jumped into on faith that the next time they come to the same intersection, they need mountains of evidence that the course they've chosen is correct. So much so that a days journey can take years. At one of these intersections I decided I would ask my passenger a test question. I asked if I could deviate from my course. If she said "ok" then I would know that the course I was on had no surety but if she had fought my decision, this would mean she had confidence in our journey. It would mean she was all in for what could've been a long road ahead. What my calculations never took into account was that beautiful human element in those that seek not to disappointment. Yet in not wanting to disappoint, my calculations required me to change course. She got out at the nearest bus stop and I continued driving on my new set course...alone. In hindsight she was right to get off but I always wonder what could've been had she said "no, we must stay the course". I only wonder...but it stays bittersweet to this day.
Folks, I have come to understand how powerful calculation can be but I have also come to appreciate the power of acting on faith. To draw from both means that you take in what you can and run the numbers. If the numbers say "close enough" then take the leap of faith on the things you can't possibly know but require time on your journey to find out. That "close enough" merits the time needed to find out what you need to without driving anyone away. Maturity implies that one has ventured through various terrain and has gleaned all that one can for oneself. For me, it was no longer enough to be a man of calculation. I understood that faith goes where logic cannot. I wish I knew this then but at least I thank God for showing me this when he did...
~Apollo
My lesson became clearer through self examination a few years ago. You see, souls of thought and calculation can make the mistake of needing proof beyond that which is evident already. Some have been hurt so badly going down a road they jumped into on faith that the next time they come to the same intersection, they need mountains of evidence that the course they've chosen is correct. So much so that a days journey can take years. At one of these intersections I decided I would ask my passenger a test question. I asked if I could deviate from my course. If she said "ok" then I would know that the course I was on had no surety but if she had fought my decision, this would mean she had confidence in our journey. It would mean she was all in for what could've been a long road ahead. What my calculations never took into account was that beautiful human element in those that seek not to disappointment. Yet in not wanting to disappoint, my calculations required me to change course. She got out at the nearest bus stop and I continued driving on my new set course...alone. In hindsight she was right to get off but I always wonder what could've been had she said "no, we must stay the course". I only wonder...but it stays bittersweet to this day.
Folks, I have come to understand how powerful calculation can be but I have also come to appreciate the power of acting on faith. To draw from both means that you take in what you can and run the numbers. If the numbers say "close enough" then take the leap of faith on the things you can't possibly know but require time on your journey to find out. That "close enough" merits the time needed to find out what you need to without driving anyone away. Maturity implies that one has ventured through various terrain and has gleaned all that one can for oneself. For me, it was no longer enough to be a man of calculation. I understood that faith goes where logic cannot. I wish I knew this then but at least I thank God for showing me this when he did...
~Apollo
No comments:
Post a Comment