Back Again...

Here in this space where thoughts are clear.  A place with no audience except for those with needs to know.  Where I should stay and express my heart without fear or intent except to find someone that will listen...myself.  Someday words will be as gold and silver...a rarity rich in truth.  May mine find some value in your soul...

~Moses Apollo

My Beautiful Contradiction - A Poem by Moe

Surrendered hands face heavens depth
Seeks that His holy face
Close enough to taste her breath
And feel her hot embrace

On bended knee to kiss His feet
To show his felt devotion
On twisted knee to taste the sweet
Of her and face her ocean

His glory worship songs to sing
To reach beyond the skies
To lay beneath the one to bring
The glory twixt her thighs

Oh Lord I pray to serve you both
What pain in my desire
For love she meets all sacred oath
Through flame and Holy fire

~Moses Apollo

The Thought Of You - A Poem by Moe

Soft winds that conduct the chimes to sing
the whispered lyrics to a love song
This warmth that sets behind closed eyes at sunrise
moving trickled tears that dry by nightfall

Wisdom that finds conclusion in contemplative silence
desperate to articulate the beauty of the moon
And the tones of birdsong in the morning
slowly moving further into the distance of my longing

Such beautiful longing that holds no graceful resolution
staying to linger under pains of want
Unsatisfied, yet modified and made to last longer
in such hunger deemed foreplay to my heart

This my love...is the thought of you

~Moses Apollo

Phoenix Fallen...

Ugly duckling grows up with the notion that because she was deemed a "4" on an artificial scale, that for the sake of her self-esteem, she should only allow the courting of "3"'s or less. This way, she falsely believed, she would never have to suffer insecurity issues. What she never understood was how much this superficial practice actually cemented her insecurity as opposed to conquering it. Fast forward...same ugly duckling has now become a swan and is now deemed an "8" on the same artificial scale yet still sees the need to date those beneath her using the same scale as a metric. She thinks such a man will do anything to be with her. That he will be loyal and generous beyond the norm. That she can somehow exact some power over him for the sake of her own "safety". Little does this insecure individual know...that insecurity breeds the same. This so-called "4" could never understand how this so-called "8" could ever be with him and him alone. She receives accolades from men that he doesn't receive from women and she somewhat revels in this...advancing what she believes to be her "grasp to power". Being all too human, doubt creeps into his mind and his own insecurities make him possessive and jealous. He now makes her life a living hell. So much for that scale...

Folks, she used an artificial scale to find self-validation and in turn, used the same scale to validate others. A scale that cannot measure what will always remain a constant source of true pride or real shame...the soul. The man or woman that knows who and what they are inside have no patterns or scales wherewith to measure the value of an individual. Why? Because they understand that if their own inner complexity has too many variables to quantify on a simple scale, then so it is with almost everyone else. Your outer shell has an eventuality of decay but your heart will always have the ability to find new reasons to live, to laugh and to love...I'm out...

~Apollo

My Insufficient...

The man can remember himself as a youth burdened by the weight of guilt from the humanity he wore every second of every day. A guilt that made him feel unworthy to speak the Promise. A guilt that dragged his knuckles across a pavement of broken glass so that his hands could never be raised for purpose. Yet on this day, His Lord spoke with the fiercest tone he's ever heard. Pointing at a young woman high on crack in the very next room He said to him "go and pray for her..." to which the young man responded "I do not dare do such a thing!!" and with a finger pointed at the young man's face, his Lord spoke even louder..."PRAY FOR HER NOW!!!". This young man filled with doubt went to pray for this girl and saw the glory of his Lord manifest before his eyes.

As he walked home perplexed and puzzled, his Lord came to walk beside him and said nothing for quite some time. About halfway home, the Lord stopped him and said "Listen to me VERY clearly son: I don't need your righteousness. You have none I can use so I gave you my own. All I need is YOU..." It was then that he was finally "realized"

"And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for you: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather boast in my weaknesses, that the power of Christ may rest upon me."

Yeah...something like that ;-)

~Moses

My Incomplete - A Poem by Moe

Ignite for me that flame
My witness in the dark
Guide me to your name
Renew once more my mark

The mark left on your soul
That promise incomplete
For heart of mine you stole
That yours and mine should meet

Crossroads went uncrossed
And time she carried on
But what I thought was lost
Has never seen it's dawn

So heart seeks place to dwell
And mind it lingers free
Such stillness fills my well
Till witness calls to me

~Moses Apollo

A Woman I Call Mother Went Home - August 13th 2015

Today, one of my greatest heros has gone home. My spiritual mother, Rev Rosalina Colon...has passed. I am saddened for her family...her children, her grand children and her great grand children. I can feel the weight of their heavy loss from miles away. Yet at the same time I am as a proud man that has watched someone he loves run a triathlon and finally make it to the finish line to receive that long awaited trophy in the long awaited place, in the long awaited Arms of our Lord. A trophy, a place and a Lord that we would speak about for hours without end under a cloud of joy that human words fail to aptly describe. So for me, my tears are a weighted mix of thick sorrow along side an unspeakable pride. Without this unassuming power house of a woman, there would be no me as I am and it is an acknowledgment that I make without lip service. The day she and her family moved into the apartment directly above mine, I had no idea my life would change as much as it did. She was the first to see a potential in me that I have not yet realized but have seen steadily manifest as time progresses. What she saw in me will stay with me forever as a testament to who and what I really am. She did this for many souls. I witnessed many souls that came and went to sit under her to learn what the power of God was really about. Souls that today could never deny the existence of God no matter what their state in life. Souls that I know have influenced greats. You see we all learn the "letter of the Word" but the truth is that it is the "Spirit of the Word" that cements it's life and that was her essence that stayed with us. I came to understand "relationship" as opposed to religion. A daily walk as opposed to the once a week meal at service. A talk as opposed to just prayer. I knew about these things but I never opened up to them until her. My love for this woman has no words as she is truly one of my greatest heros...and this will always remain true.

So today, I ask for no condolences for me but for her family. I ask for no words of comfort as my comfort comes in knowing that she is finally with her Lord. Pray for her family, pray that what was deposited in them double in strength as it must. So may God bless Sinai, Nain, Abdias, Jorge and their children. I know they will make it through and not just that...they will be everything their mother saw they would become. So with pride I call her mother, mentor, teacher and friend. Again, it will always be so...

Each of us has a message to our life and hers was profoundly simple: Some will see the flash of greatness and ride the tsunami. They will be seen and heard as great but before them came the unseen. These are the very first to throw that pebble in the pond that eventually becomes that Tsunami. The ones that step out in faith to receive no praise or recognition. They are the ones that started it all by simply trusting in the Power behind the pebble...these are the greatest champions of them all. This was my spiritual mother...The Rev Rosalina Colon

~Moses

My Home...

On one side of the abyss there is the primal, on the other...the heavenly. Too many have chosen to make camp on either coast. Neglecting the most important element...the human element that stands above the abyss itself. The very element that deciphers what has value within each coast. The same element that needs both to do more than just survive. It is my undefined essence that bridges the gap between the primal and the heavenly allowing me access and relatability to both. This gap deemed our inner "flyover country". So I stand here above the abyss watching folk draw the wrong lines in the sand. I make camp in my "flyover country"...alone but never lonely. Too much of a boy scout to make camp with the "primals" and too much of a sinner to make camp with the "heavenlies". Where then do I belong? The only answer I have is..."not here"...

~Moses Apollo

A Letter To Moe From "J"

Hey Moses,

Now, don't go giving me that "call me Moe" stuff. You were born Moses so that's what I call you lol Anyway, I'm sure you're wondering why I would write this letter to you since we talk most of the time but I really just wanted you to share this anyway you could. It's an issue that seems to go unspoken because people feel I'm too stupid or naive to notice. You know I'm good natured, good hearted and of course, ehem...humble (lol) so why would it matter anyway? Well it matters Moses because I can hurt just like anyone else and I can feel just as used as anyone else.

Now you know all about the bomb shelter I have. It's big enough and equipped enough to hold many people and since we've spoken about this and since I've shown you the place already, I won't go into many details but you already know it's solid. Yet here is what gets me about it: Every single time there's supposed to be some cataclysmic event, people I don't hear from in months or years for that matter, all of a sudden want to know how I am. They want to come by and they want to talk. They ask me questions about survival techniques and pretend to be interested in things I'm interested in. All this somehow predicated under the delusion that the guy with the bomb shelter doesn't follow global events LOL It's amazing Moses!!! I mean you know how this irks me and I can't just follow your advice and cut them off. It's just not in my nature. I would take who comes but man...it just makes me feel like I'm only good for the "stuff" I can give but just not good enough to chill with. Once the crises is over, I don't even hear from these people anymore until the next crises rears it's ugly head. They move on to "cooler" friends...whatever that means. I mean what's cooler than an underground hidden bunker with all the trimmings bro? I make MacGyver look like an idiot boy child! lol Ugh!!! Anyway man, I just had to vent that. You know I don't mind people asking me for safety but be real about it you know? The relationship you and I have is complicated but we know where we stand with one another. That's all I want. I want people to keep it real and above board you know? Just don't treat me like I'm too stupid or naive to notice I'm being played for the sake of safety. Anyway, vent over...I'll go back to being my gracious self yet again lol Talk to you later...thanks for listening and sharing this...

Your Friend
"J"

Just Breathe - A Poem by Moe

This smoke is subtle smooth
Deep seeped in subtle truth
Breath soft off lips secure
To rise, cascade while staying sure

For what is mine is mine for now
More than why or what but how
Formed to drift inside for life
Calming tempered cold and strife

Such kiss that's meant to reach
A fitting air that's sent to teach
That love is more than simply shown
It's ours to breathe...but never own

Just breathe...

~Moses

As Yet Another - September 18th

Tonight was an interesting night. As I paid my respects to this beautiful sister that had impacted many lives, I found myself befuddled by a young man that told this man how he had impacted his life. The thing is he brought up details that the man had no memory of...and I know why. I have always had the idea that the things we do for others or the "right" things we do should never be placed on some score board or even reserved for memory. Nor should they be done for an audience that would add to my largess. Not for some false sense of humility but simply because I always wanted to feel as though I have not done enough. That there was always more I could do and that if the only audience was God, then I would have no reason for pride on so-called measured accomplishments. I prayed for this as a young man and have lived my life this way ever since. Tonight...I was reminded of that. I only share this to state a simple truth. Never keep score...let God do that. Do all you feel you can do and forget about it if you can. If somebody saw and was blessed then bless God for it. If what you do has the right spirit behind it you will never need praise or feel deserving of a thing...shit, I still don't lol So folks, do what you can, keep it moving and let God handle all the rest...Good night my people...

~Moses Apollo

Of Something Certain - A Poem by Moe

transported in the best of him
free from saints and fleshly whim
torn from right and kingly wrong
deeper towards her lofty song

her voice it sounds of love at peace
such melodies in billowed fleece
to lay his head upon her flesh
where love like water should refresh

and find the strength to hope renew
replant in soil where something grew
in place of what all thought had died
now rests the soul of love's new guide

~Moses Apollo

Trust...

You know people throw around the word "trust" just as much as they throw around the word "love". I can understand that given the importance of the two. My only problem is the blanketed simplistic explanation on how these words are defined because how they are defined by any one particular person will tell you how they will be applied.

There are different levels to "love" and as such, differing applications depending on the circumstance but in your mind all you will hear from me, given the limits of the English language, is..."I love (philía) you but I love (agape) her". How you interpret that is dependant on your limited definition. In the same vein, there are also different levels of "trust" and I will tell you straight...only about 5 people get the ultimate level of trust from me because I only trust (pepoithesis) these 5 but I also trust (pisteuo) a few.

Do you know how you can tell that you are getting the ultimate level of each? Can you tell how much someone loves you by what is purchased or by how much time is being expended in thought or effort? What about trust? Can you tell by the seemingly intimate details being shared or when passwords are freely given? If you lean on these examples to reveal these levels of love and trust then you are one that can easily be fooled into believing you are trusted and loved. So what is it then? How can you really tell?

What's interesting is that the ultimate levels of each are exactly the same and are identified by the factor of something that can cripple...the factor of vulnerability. If I tell you something or give you something that has the potential to irrevocably harm me then I trust you implicitly. I surrender a great gift to you...control. If I sew my heart into yours so much so that I risk internal bleeding towards death if we somehow are ripped apart then I love you implicitly. To you I surrender one of my most precious gifts as you become something more than just a mate. You become...one of the few reasons I have left to exist. Yeah...real love will do that folks. Those that have had it can tell you it's true ;-)  So folks...stay hip, live free, trust less, love more...

~Moses Apollo

Lessons Of Regret...

I had the pleasure of having a conversation with a dear friend of mine the other night. He began telling me a story of one of his regrets. As he shared this story I began to realize that his regret mirrored my own to a lesser extent. One that I understand may have no remedy and it is one that I have come to learn from. Yeah people...a lesson. This is the only way a regret can become an addition towards one's personal growth which then in time...loses the title of "regret" it once had. The only time this evolution doesn't take place is when it involves someone else. It remains a scar that itches at times. A bittersweet moment you wish you could take back but can't. I have them compartmentalized in those innermost places as moments I can do nothing about and as such, they neither move me to sorrow nor catapult me into undo action.

My lesson became clearer through self examination a few years ago. You see, souls of thought and calculation can make the mistake of needing proof beyond that which is evident already. Some have been hurt so badly going down a road they jumped into on faith that the next time they come to the same intersection, they need mountains of evidence that the course they've chosen is correct. So much so that a days journey can take years. At one of these intersections I decided I would ask my passenger a test question. I asked if I could deviate from my course. If she said "ok" then I would know that the course I was on had no surety but if she had fought my decision, this would mean she had confidence in our journey. It would mean she was all in for what could've been a long road ahead. What my calculations never took into account was that beautiful human element in those that seek not to disappointment. Yet in not wanting to disappoint, my calculations required me to change course. She got out at the nearest bus stop and I continued driving on my new set course...alone. In hindsight she was right to get off but I always wonder what could've been had she said "no, we must stay the course". I only wonder...but it stays bittersweet to this day.

Folks, I have come to understand how powerful calculation can be but I have also come to appreciate the power of acting on faith. To draw from both means that you take in what you can and run the numbers. If the numbers say "close enough" then take the leap of faith on the things you can't possibly know but require time on your journey to find out. That "close enough" merits the time needed to find out what you need to without driving anyone away. Maturity implies that one has ventured through various terrain and has gleaned all that one can for oneself. For me, it was no longer enough to be a man of calculation. I understood that faith goes where logic cannot. I wish I knew this then but at least I thank God for showing me this when he did...

~Apollo

No Greater Love...

"Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends"

I have read this quote from Christ and have heard it spoken literally hundreds of times knowing how it directly speaks to Christ's sacrifice for man. Yet I pondered it's applicable meaning for the everyday man and it is quite clear. I mean think about it. What are the chances you will ever get to demonstrate this kind of love unless it be in wartime or in an accidental setting? So I have seen this applied without a physical death being necessary but rather something a bit harder...the death of self...the death of ego.

How many times have you been in a position to help your friend or lover attain a level beyond you with no recompense whatsoever? Speaking for myself I can say I've been there quite a few times and at every turn I considered it a huge honor to stand in the shadow of my friends. Only because I knew that this was an opportunity to demonstrate the purest manifestation of love available to man...the denial of myself that the one I love should flourish. It is the hardest thing one could do. Especially in a romantic relationship where you know without a doubt that her progression will mean challenges to the relationship. New stature means new environments. New environments means new faces and new faces means new options. Options that the comfortably insecure would rather not deal with. His world is just fine as it is. His ego is satiated to the point of complacency. All while she stays the same...never meeting her true potential...just for him. Folks I'm telling you now, true love would risk it all. True love only wants the best for them. True love bears the weight of all insecurity and possible heartbreaking loss if it means that she will meet her potential. Even if it costs you your friend or lover...at least you can rest in the fact that you gave it all. Even if no one else sees it, rest assured that God does and the success of those you helped push up into the sun will always serve as a testament to that love.

So folks, if you ever want to show your love? Flowers, candies, gifts...yeah that's nice enough to appease someone for a bit but understand that there is no greater demonstration of love then the willingness to lose so the one you love can gain. Now take a moment to look across the spectrum of your relationships, both romantic and platonic. Ask yourself if you've seen this love. If you have...don't thank them. This does nothing for them because they didn't do it for a pat on the back. Thank God for them and keep the knowledge that these are true in your heart. If you haven't seen this love, give them some time and keep an eye out for the moment when their opportunity to demonstrate this love arises...watch what they do. They may surprise you, solidifying their position in your life or they may disappoint you, lowering their standing with you. Oh and if you're in a relationship where your success hurts your partner or friend? Move on because these will only make your upwards climb all the more difficult. Besides, their misappropriated hurt is a testament to the fact that what they truly love is having you...loving you?, not so much. So my friends, all I can tell you is love...truly love. Understand that if your love is true then "keeping" them should never be as important as doing your best to set up conditions for the best of them to flourish. My Lord is right in what He said..."Greater love hath no man than this"...much love mi gente

~Moses Apollo

Apollo Re-Imagined...

For years his boat was docked. With the gangway down, many came and went as they pleased. His ship became a beautiful tourist attraction and he thought all was well until he noticed something that troubled him. This once beautiful ship was now littered with garbage and his once pristine furniture was now worn from overuse. You see, some that came and went never bothered to show enough respect or appreciation to even clean up after themselves or fix anything they had broken.

In dismay, he pulled up the gangway, untied the mooring lines and decided to sail a mile out while he restored his ship to a condition of beauty that superseded anything it had been before. In solitude, he created something new...something more. Yet throughout this endeavour, something else happened. He began to really appreciate the value of his vessel and he came to the conclusion that his position a mile away from shore was good enough to keep those would do his ship damage at bay. He decided to place a small boat with oars on the shore that was tied to his ship that was anchored a mile away. On this little boat, he left a sign: "If you want access to my vessel, all you have to do is get in this boat and row a mile out". If those that he knew would do his vessel no harm wanted to come aboard, all they needed to do was get in the boat and he would pull them onto his vessel. Everyone else would have to row themselves.

At no surprise to him...no one came ;-)

You want to know who understands your value? Make it hard (not impossible) for people to get close to you. Those that will row one mile for you understand it and may just be worthy of it. Those that don't? Train your mind towards their indifference...they will do you no good anyway...

~Apollo

Don't Miss It...

Have you ever taken a stroll through a beautiful hillside far from city lights? Whose only sights consist of flowers, trees, grass and all that God had created? Have you ever just stood at the top of that hillside and taken in the everything it has to offer? It can be simply amazing...if you let it. Now come back to New York City. The cars, the noise, the flat pavement and the constant motion of the masses. To most it seems like night and day but ask yourself...what's the real difference? I mean really think about it. Take the time and stop somewhere. Try to take in the people as you would the flowers. Take in the buildings as you would the trees and the pavement as you would the grass. The only difference is that one was created by God, the other was created by man but to me...art is art.

Everyday we have a chance to see something new...to learn something more. In every single day of our existence, we have the chance to take in something we missed because we were too busy. To appreciate that which we have taken for granted. Whether it be on a hillside, smack in the middle of 34th street or even in the soul you have known most of your life. Just remember, there is NEVER a good reason to be "bored". The appreciation of life is the essence of "living". All you have to do is keep this at the forefront of your mind: where you are...is where you're at. Stop thinkin about where you want to be or where you have to be at and take the time to actually "be" wherever you find yourself. You'll be surprised at what you will begin to see that you didn't before...

~Moses

Imagine...

"Imagine accepting the truth..."

I climb mountains that cause vertigo. Traverse internal valleys with internal alleys that would scare the life out of most. Demons ain't just some metaphor when it comes to battle. You won't see it so you can't clear it in your mind. All you see are the results. I don't do it to be seen. I compete only with the man I was 5 seconds ago. I do it because I am thirsty for meaning in a world devoid of it. I can't find it in sweet sounding books or in first rate looks. It's all counterfeit to what once was so I don't even try. Real meaning is hidden in the internal reservoirs of "why"...so I dig. This makes all of me too heavy for most. Too strong for the weak...too pliable for the stiff-necked yet this is why it will always be...some of me will always be preferred to none of me...

I stopped lookin for Neo a long time ago so I entreat only those on their way to becoming Neo-lite...these bring out the better of me ;-)

~Apollo 

All About The Need - A Poem by Moe

She gets slippery at night when she's all about the need.  The hunger that exists in longing eyes to feed.  Longing eyes of pain she can't restrain but must because she's all about what's just and right and pure...

Hunger is human and who am I to judge.  I'm the man she'll nudge and text for late night context...just to chill.  The slip, the slide, the soul collide...until.  Her impression requires discretion and I'm the man for the hour...or two.  Without you...

Her saving grace is found in the mirror.  Whose face to find is mine.  To touch me is to touch herself for justification of her inclination and for such a soul...I am blessed for the night...

I see tears when you think wet.  I feel fears as I am let...to soothe and ease with touch or grace.  As I cusp the face of a goddess in my hands, I inhale her essence as plumes of smoke with prescience fill this secret dimly lit room...

That none should ever know how far she will go...in this world of empty.  To find solace in this man of plenty she can't keep...but can have as they are the same.  To forgo the game for a lifetime of moments that time could never relieve...

She gets slippery at night when she's all about the need...and so do I...

~Moses Apollo

The Quality Woman

Conflicted by the worth she knows she carries. A worth defined by the burden of responsibility her beautiful shoulders seem made to bear. Her value multiplied by the genuine care for something greater than herself and the sacrifice of all she wants for the betterment of child, cause or heaven. Taking on these burdens like a champion at war, you'd never know she cries herself to sleep at night...but sometimes she does. Conflicted only because she does her best to measure out how much she should allow for herself as she makes sure that what she carries should always receive the greater measure. She pushes forward under pressure and is not easily moved by tempest or storm. Producing a sheen of beautiful strength that cannot help but to entice. Predators see her as big game while gentlemen hunters do their best to shield her from harm...even from themselves. For some, there will never be anything greater in the world of man than Eve as she was meant to be. Shedding skin to daily scar, she is more than just beautiful...she is divine...

Quality men...do your best to identify these and do what you can to alleviate their burden. To define your quality...ask for nothing in return...

~Moses Apollo