Everything...

 

Somewhere, there's speaking, it's already coming in

Oh, and it's rising at the back of your mind

You never could get it unless you were fed it

Now you're here and you don't know why

But under skinned knees and the skid marks

Past the places where you used to learn

You howl and listen, listen and wait for the

Echoes of angels who won't return

He's everything you want, he's everything you need

He's everything inside of you that you wish you could be

He says all the right things at exactly the right time

But he means nothing to you and you don't know why

You're waiting for someone to put you together

You're waiting for someone to push you away

There's always another wound to discover

There's always something more you wish he'd say

He's everything you want, he's everything you need

He's everything inside of you that you wish you could be

He says all the right things at exactly the right time

But he means nothing to you, and you don't know why

But you'll just sit tight and watch it unwind

It's only what you're asking for

And you'll be just fine with all of your time

It's only what you're waiting for

Out of the island, into the highway

Past the places where you might have turned

You never did notice, but you still hide away

Anger of angels who won't return

He's everything you want, he's everything you need

He's everything inside of you that you wish you could be

He says all the right things at exactly the right time

But he means nothing to you, and you don't know why

I am everything you want, I am everything you need

I am everything inside of you that you wish you could be

I say all the right things at exactly the right time

But I mean nothing to you and I don't know why

And I don't know why

Why?

I don't know...

~vertical horizon

yes... I will admit being wounded... but there is not an inkling of doubt that I am stronger today than I've ever been before. all the more prepared to receive everything... I've been praying for. this is the way with me my loves...

~moses apollo apolinaris

My "Just Because"...

My "just because" is an "I love you"... simply because of how the existence of your heart has come to move my soul. Like the sun, the moon and the stars are loved by beautiful streams, trees and tides... so is the quality of my love... in my "just because". No sense in keeping that to myself anymore...

Aah

Because the world is round

It turns me on

Because the world is round

Aah

Because the wind is high

It blows my mind

Because the wind is high

Aah

Love is old, love is new

Love is all, love is you

Because the sky is blue

It makes me cry

Because the sky is blue

Aah

~the Beatles

Now you know... and "that" as they say... is that... sweetest dreams beneath my moon and better days to shine upon your risings...

~moses apollo apolinaris 

"We Got Sh*t To Do"...

"..."

Oh my loves, it's been a minute I know but I guess I needed to gather the thoughts of my heart before I came and sat before this screen again. About two weeks ago, one of my best friends passed on to be with the Lord. She also just so happened to be my sister Bridget. I know she is with the Lord and that brings me unimaginable comfort but I can say that in my selfishness... I miss her so. She was the life of every room she entered and touched many lives along the way but under the light of her glory, there was suffering. Not the kind that can disease the body unto death, but the kind that feels the heaviness of a potential she thought she was never able to reach here on earth. Where she is now allows her to understand that maybe, in touching the many lives she has touched... she actually reached that potential after all. Maybe it was just her time to go and meet her truest reward in eternity. The suddenness of it all left a mark that wont heal so easy but I can see it crawling on my heart as I work towards finishing up a few serious loose ends she left behind.

While officiating burial arrangements as well as tying up those "loose ends", I will admit to having the displeasure of seeing the ugliness of people that called themselves her "friends" and "family". Thankfully, it was all but a handful... but that was enough to turn me off for awhile... literally sickened me. Some people just do not understand the concept of boundaries and the idea of "time and place" but I refuse to hash that out publically or even bother with it at all. I only deal with those that are important to me and these folks? meh... I've also come to understand the concept of the "Fair Weathered Friend". The kind that loves being cool on sunny days but pretends to not see or hear anything pertaining to you when the storm comes. God forbid they should need to hold an umbrella or two. I've thought to keep my distance from people I love for the sake of honor when I thought I might be stepping on someone else's toes by doing what I'd normally do for support, only to hate myself afterwards in finding out later that there were no toes to step on. Yet NEVER have I stayed away because it was too much for me to handle. This is not me pattin myself on the back. This is just me telling you my modus operandi. A modus I tend to project onto others and this is the kind of projection that only adds to unnecessary disappointment. Why "unnecessary"? Because you never really know the why behind it all and just because someone doesn't do as you would, does not mean they are less virtuous than you. I let it go easy but I hide the "happenings" in my heart. Some folks are truly "fair weathered" but others might have valid reasons for being the way they are.

Yet of all the things I've learned in this short time, most importantly, I've come to realize something profound. That all the suffering I've endured these last few years has turned me into someone that can take on most things in the midst of pain and grief. If I laid out all that I've gone through, you'd be surprised to hear of it. You'd tell me that you never saw it and there is a reason for that... I didn't want you to. Is it a flaw? Is it ego? Or is it that I'm more like my mother than I'd like to acknowledge? The attitude that says "you have 5 minutes to cry and feel sorry for yourself... then shake it off and move your ass... we got sh*t to do". It's not that you become calloused (though some do) but because you value your faith, hope, love and passion as much as I do, you learn to compartmentalize your pain until it's time to sit on that proverbial rock and allow yourself the time to process all that really happened (a needful thing for growth). There's way too much that needs doin and I endeavor to complete it all. I've said it before and I'll say it again: The size of the upcoming blessing can be measured by the size of the trial that leads up to it. Having said that I know... I'm expecting nothing short of greatness.

Now, understand this. How different am I than you that have been struggling in private? Look back on all you've endured and notice how the wheels of your mind are still spinning... how your heart is still beating. You're still laughing at jokes, still moving forward. Still looking to reach goals and still looking to love life and be more than you are. You, my love... are stronger than you think you are. Thank God for all that you've endured... for the monster warrior you've become and for the blessings that are on their way. So "head up!! shoulders back!! shake it off... you got sh*t to do"... Much love...

~moses apollo 

PS: In due time, we will be returning to your regularly scheduled programming

To My Prayer Warriors...

What can I say about yesterday or about how I'm feeling right now. A very close family member of mine experienced a severe brain hemorrhage yesterday morning. She walked into a clinic, business as usual, happy go lucky to pick up some medicine for my mother as she always does, said "i dont feel so good"... and collapsed on the floor.

Right now she is in a coma in a hospital with doctors expecting the worst outcome imaginable. At first, I was frozen in grief but after having some time to pray over her in the hospital, my hope has been suddenly renewed. I know the tenets of my belief system and death is not among them. I truly believe she is touring eternity right now and will be given the option to stay... or to come back.

This hope brings me peace but it does not keep my heart from breaking over the fact that I will not be seeing or hearing from her for quite some time if she chooses to stay in the arms of my Lord. 

Folks, there is no rule book to this. How are we really supposed to feel? How long are we supposed to grieve or remain in a melancholic state? I've cried uncontrollably in spurts since the news and have been completely calm at other times. As the now patriarch of my family, I know my role now is to be a rock that allows everyone the safety to break down. I understand it but it's never an easy thing when you feel just like they do but can't show it. Yet you know what we do? We endure our task without reverting looking for escapes. Let someone else handle it? I'd love to but I'm not built that way... I'm a man.

She is 4 years my senior and tells everyone that I am her older brother that has wings. I'm sure the Lord is getting a kick out of that right about now, but as for me... I will miss hearing it from her if she decides to stay with Him... and I wouldn't blame her if she did. Pray for my sister Bridget please... 🙏 

~moses apollo of apolinaris

Near Death...

"...   ..."

The life after death experience... what a ride huh folks? Some see the tunnel at whose end there is a light. Others, hear voices in the dark slowly begin dragging them down into darkness. Most see my Lord letting them know its not their time yet but almost all come out thinking they've been internally forever changed by the experience.

I know of one person close to me that was dead for 15 minutes and came back thinking 2 months had past in the new realm. She was taken on a tour of eternity that was impeccably intune with Bibilical accounts... without ever having read it. She knew intimate details nobody could have ever known and traveled through time periods that others had kept secret. She was also able to confirm the existence of things I knew existed but could never speak of. Not just because they'd be misunderstood but also because people were not ready to hear about them yet. Hell, we might even know who Jim Morrisons naked indian in the desert is lol

Now, you all know that those that truly know dont speak about it and that those that do speak about it usually want you to know they're other worldly types banking on borderline worship smh 

My whole thing is about "the change" that's supposed to take place. Listen folks, if you can't find the better you by introspection alone, dont count on angels, demons or realms to do it for you. So many come out of those experiences walkin on clouds, wearing the mantle of seers but in their hearts, they're just as they ever were. Nothing really changes. This experience is used as a diving board to decide which incarnation of themselves they're gonna try to stick with this time. Will it be the "we must put others others first because life is so short?" Or will it be the "f*ck everybody else, imma do for me because life is way too short to give a sh*t anyway". Then there's the "indifferent what does it matter anyway. Whoever or whatever i am won't mean a thing anyway to anyone when I'm gone". All true in a sense but all stupid...

How about instead of making it about "others", you taking that experience and looking back at your life. Taking inventory on all you didn't become and deciding from that day forward to become the very soul you've always wanted to be? What do you notice here? That another's opinion dont mean sh*t in this rationale. It's about YOU. You are no longer looking to replace something external that failed to make yourself feel whole. Put this goal first in God... and all the right internals will see their way to find you like complex puzzle piece that finally found their match without even trying.

It's always nice to have a moment of epiphany but what good is it if it doesn't last. Start from the inside out and take note how you keep choosing the same types, the same flavors and the same roads. Your heart may want to believe all may seem comfortable... but there is always a very good chance that in the land if the living... your life might just have outgrown them. Think about it might loves... I'm out

~moses apollo

Light Whispers In The Dark...

"i'm ready..."

Laying down in a hospital bed tryin to sleep. Been here since Friday. Just now realizing I spent Father's Day in this place... what a ride my beautiful people lol

Remember this ALWAYS... right before a breakthrough, there will always be a test or challenge sent to diminish your faith. For me, it's like a marker to greater things... and I ain't never been wrong. Like light whispers in the dark, I've become adept at hearing... I can see what's coming, and I'm ready ;-) Sweetest dreams my loves ❤️ 

~moses apollo

Metaphors In Memory...

"breathe, breathe... breathe..."

in the vast expanse before time was time, he came to meet a few soon to be souls that would eventually become part of his training ground. a training ground we would all ultimately be assigned to called "life". some he came to know intimately but others would come and go as needed... and it would be no different on earth. except that on earth, they would need to become reacquainted... as though it were for the first time. for his part, he became adept at "picking-up" who he'd been connected to but seldom, if ever, could he ever tell you the when and the where... he just knew... and so did apparently (in one way or another) the ones he had been connected with. he came to find that the real ones were unsought after, chance encounters... "happy accidents" if you will. sometimes there were subtle "signs" that he'd usually not consider strong enough to come to conclusions over but other times, "markers" would come in dreams and "other worldly" manifestations proving connection. what he'd decide to do about it was another story. he could pursue it or not. it all depended on where their hearts and circumstances were at the time of identification. meeting so many, from so many ranges in age and walks of life proved one thing for him: he must have spent a very long time in the expanse before being released onto his own training ground.

in the expanse, for him, there was always a co-mingling but most just stuck to the people within their purposed future categories. not for any other reason than simple gravity. like all celestial bodies, folk were pulled together "just because." in this place, there was no selfishness or ego. no games... just the freest flowing love you could possibly imagine. sharing moments of laughter, touch, feeling and care without any thought to agenda or ownership... it was just magic. what love was truly meant to embody. shared through friendship, family and even pair bondings that once tasted... were strong enough to make their way into the training grounds each would eventually come to be assigned to. the only issues they'd come to face usually had to do with who would be sent to ground first (as this would affect age) and what their training had the potential to create along the way (character wise). yet even among these issues, the pull of those bonds would somehow come to survive. even when the re-pairing was no longer a viable or wise thing to attempt.

sometimes this would manifest as a gravitation toward others that shared many of the same peripheral characteristics without even knowing they were doing so... surprising even themselves upon internal examination. honest attempts, that would eventually come to failure. a dance that would be repeated over and over again. all in the hopes of landing in that ever place of magic. where they came to learn that the existence of love shared among creation was pure, real and worthy of expedition... even upon the "tainted by counterfeit" training grounds we now call life. breathed into a passion to seek out connection to God and each other... spoken into our DNA before it even existed. articulating volumes of deep wisdom simplified into two commandments: "love God... and each other". "knowing" without knowing, that something beautiful existed and exists simply because we've "had it" without remembering ever having it. truly one of the most beautiful sonnets ever written into the fabric of creation. 

as such, we that tread upon the jagged stones and the lilies of life will seek it and come to find it a few times over. what we decide to do upon finding it... is as yet another piece waiting to be written. and i know i have plenty of time...

don't mind me though... "imagination" is a hell of a thing ;-) 

~moses apollo

7 Days...

...of solitude... unexpectedly one of the toughest weeks I've had to endure for reasons I might reveal later on. Still dealing with some after-effects as I try to piece it all together. For now though... I'm encouraged to encourage you my love...

You're shattered like you've never been before

The life you knew in a thousand pieces on the floor

And words fall short in times like these

When this world drives you to your knees

You think you're never gonna get back

To the you that used to be

Tell your heart to beat again

Close your eyes and breathe it in

Let the shadows fall away

Step into the light of grace

Yesterday's a closing door

You don't live there anymore

Say goodbye to where you've been

And tell your heart to beat again

Beginning, just let that word wash over you

It's alright now, love's healing hands have pulled you through

So get back up, take step one

Leave the darkness, feel the sun

'Cause your story's far from over

And your journey's just begun

Tell your heart to beat again

Close your eyes and breathe it in

Let the shadows fall away

Step into the light of grace

Yesterday's a closing door

You don't live there anymore

Say goodbye to where you've been

And tell your heart to beat again

Let every heartbreak, and every scar

Be a picture that reminds you

Who has carried you this far

'Cause love sees farther than you ever could

In this moment, heaven's working

Everything for your good

Tell your heart to beat again

Close your eyes and breathe it in

Let the shadows fall away

Step into the light of grace

Yesterday's a closing door

You don't live there anymore

Say goodbye to where you've been

And tell your heart to beat again

Your heart to beat again

Beat again

Oh

So tell your heart to beat again

~danny gokey

Okey Dokey...

Weirdest night in a long while. Might expound... might not!! Lol Time to turn some pages and rip others out the book altogether for the sake of my health. The major take away: not everything is bad as we think it is folks... some things are taking up space in our hearts and minds that were never meant to. From the personal issue to the world event. They were meant to distract us from the simplest solution by making things seem more complicated than they actually are. It's as easy as laying it down... and leaving it down. I'm out...

A day in the life smh

~moses apollo

"so when you remember the ones who have lied

who said that they cared

but then laughed as you cried

beautiful darling

don't think of me

because all I ever wanted

it's in your eyes"

In The Rain...

 

Making love in the rain

I can't believe the joy it brings me

And when I'm all alone

I hear the rain on my window

It's just a little thing

But it means so much to me

Our bodies together

While the rain plays a melody

Every raindrop

Makes me think of you

(Wishing you were close to me)

There is nothing that I'd rather do than

Making love in the rain

I can't believe the joy it brings me

And when I'm all alone

I hear the rain on my window

When it's stormy outside

It's warm in my heart

With you in my arms

And when you're away from me

I wish it would rain

'Cause it's always the same

Every raindrop

Makes me think of you

(Wishing you were close to me)

There is nothing that I'd rather do than

Making love in the rain

I can't believe the joy it brings me

(I can't believe)

And when I'm all alone

I hear the rain on my window

(On my window)

Making love in the rain

I can't believe the joy it brings me

(Making love)

And when I'm all alone

I hear the rain on my window

(On my window, I hear the raindrops flow)

Every raindrop

Makes me think of you

(Wishing you were close to me)

There is nothing that I'd rather do than

(That I'd rather do)

[Chorus: Janet Jackson and (Lisa Keith)]

Making love in the rain

I can't believe the joy it brings me

(I can't believe)

And when I'm all alone

I hear the rain on my window

(On my window, I hear it)

Making love in the rain

I can't believe the joy it brings me

All alone, I hear the rain

My love, here comes the rain

My love, here comes the rain

My love, here comes the rain

My love, here comes the rain

~herb alpert