What He Will Be...

An easy night... a silent hush fell over him as he picked up his guitar and lit up a freshly scented candle that rested upon his glass side table. As he began to play, he had nothing on his mind but the moment in which he found himself... alone in a setting designed for lovers. A setting that inspired the artistic bohemian side of himself... and anyone else that entered felt the same. As he played, his phone buzzed on a text message from one of his "friends". "I'm coming over" was all she said. Surprising to him because she told him she'd be going out that night with a man that would shower her with gifts and time but apparently not much else. Texting one more time: "I have to see you". "OK" was his only response...

You see, he knew that this was his life but he really couldn't fully grasp it. He just knew that in his mind, there was no evil or malice in it as most might judge there to be. He almost felt like he was in service to women that deserved a night of passion or even a moment of solace. A well-earned moment of abandon for women that for the most part lived right and did right by many in life. Women that just needed to be desired, set free and allowed to be as wild as the moment inspired without judgment. Women... most men would be afraid to approach. He just couldn't understand "why him". In his heart he knew that the confusion he felt was never a self-esteem issue but moreso a "this is an uncommon thing" issue. He honestly never knew if this was a blessing or a curse. Blessed to make love to amazing women of quality... of heart, mind, body and soul, but cursed to live out life alone. You see, after a break-up, he had dispassionately come to the conclusion that he would never belong to anyone other than himself and his Lord... living out moments of beauty instead. All while leaving open the door, that if one would be able to sweep him off his own feet... he'd consider surrendering for more than just a moment. Given this, in his heart, the blessing always outweighed the curse by miles.

That night, he got himself ready for anything and when she showed up, he felt privileged beyond belief as he heard her detail how the date went and how the high priced gifts that were given couldn't deter her from thinking about seeing him. Instead of feeling the haughtiness that such a thing would normally feed, he felt humbled. To him, that feeling of humility was evidence that what he was experiencing was something pure and beautiful. A contradiction to what he would have thought just 10 years prior. As to that night, it seemed almost blessed... in a session that was long and passionate. Two souls saying "thank you for thinking of me and letting me in". Uncommitted lovers bathed in eternity in a world where "couples" were having to see therapists just to cope with being around each other for 10 minutes. Even if it was for the last time, in that moment, every time would be the only time. Making each time... something new and wonderful.

He would have only a handful like this and each one would be something special. Each one had a beautiful name and a favorite color. A favorite rose and/or flower. Each one liked a certain thing in bed and each one valued him for more than anything anyone could actually put down on some superficial list. Judge him all you want but never discount his experience or try to trivialize it with a cookie cutter explanation. He knew what he was to them... and what they meant (and still mean) to him. He was a blessed man then... and he's a blessed man today. He would tell you that today it is extremely difficult to find souls with the kind of mindset AND heart-set that are required for such experiences but he would also say that it is not impossible. It seems that many seem willing but when watched over time, most usually turn out to be unready for something like that. Given that, he counsels on the caveats most would not be able to handle living that kind of life.

As for himself, today, he's learned to navigate the winds better. To the point where he can finally say "come what may" without putting in much thought into what has already become second nature to him. Where everything can be much sweeter than it was before without consuming his life. With his mindset and heart-set enhanced, he remains open to the few... or "the one". He will be... what he will be.

~moses apollo

Hello...

 

Hello again, hello

Just called to say hello

I couldn't sleep at all tonight

And I know it's late

But I couldn't wait

Hello, my friend, hello

Just called to let you know

I think about you ev'ry night

When I'm here alone

And you're there at home, hello

Maybe it's been crazy

And maybe I'm to blame

But I put my heart above my head

We've been through it all

And you loved me just the same

And when you're not there

I just need to hear

Hello, my friend, hello

It's good to need you so

It's good to love you like I do

And to feel this way

When I hear you say, hello

Hello, my friend, hello

Just called to let you know

I think about you ev'ry night

And I know it's late

But I couldn't wait

Hello

~neil diamond

For None To See...

have you found the secret of my heart? the how and the why of it's fleshly part? it's breathless sighs at the thought of you... and it's ache at not having you near? have you been able to look past my iris's into just how beautiful i see you? eyes inspired by the glory of the smile on your beautiful face that revealed just how happy you were to discover that i loved you. all while meeting frustration at your body's design. a design tailor made to meet the needs my hands have to gently graze upon something magical and artistic... as yet existing outside the reach of my arms. what more can i laud in love, but to proclaim your strength worthy of praise and pride... so formidably beautiful... and as such... so soulishly alluring... 

i find you amongst the many. i whisper into your heart: "come and love me neath my moon. where its glow cracks the mist that meets my soil. where i lay in waiting... as passion that claws at me draws blood from my skin. desperate for satiation... i lay in waiting for you my love. anointed... come... love me disjointed. appointed into silence for the claiming of all you've yet to taste. for the love of all that's pure in haste... come to me... harken to my love..."

rest restless, bare to bare. held in oneness... for none to see but you and me. as mist and moonlight find there way beneath our sheets... inspiring love from king to queen... and from queen to king. making love... for none to see... but you and me...

~moses apollo

Warm...

"...when your heart is cold..."

It's been a long day my beautiful woman. Come lay beside me in bed. Beside the candles on the bedside tables lit up to form shadows that slow dance on the ceilings and on the walls of our room. Rest your weary head on my arm and drape your leg across my body as if I were a comfortable pillow. Close your eyes and rest upon this man who loves you as he watches over the moment of peace he can provide. With every loving breath... falling deeper into love. For as you do, you will find that in these arms... there is safety from the cares that burden your soul. Use them my love... and claim your promised peace.

Let every whispered kiss that graces your beautiful face proclaim: 

"I will keep your heart warm my love"

~moses apollo 

The Doggie In The Window...

"i do hope that doggie's for sale..."

I find it hilarious how "wisdom", in the minds of some, is synonymous with prudish and pious. How a woman can want to bang the hell out of you one minute and see you in an entirely different light once she finds out you're "wise" and carry yourself with honor. I'd say it happens about thirty percent of the time and it's actually funny to me. I DO NOT have the exterior of what some would consider "a wise man" lol According to the stereotype, I'm supposed to be thin and pasty... wearing polo shirts, loose fitting pants and Birkenstocks. All while sportin some glasses and carrying the latest book I'm reading with me everywhere I go lol Definitely not me folks!! I've been told I look the part of a man that both knows what to do in bed and in the ring. Whether that's true or not, it does not scream "wise" and honestly... I seriously get a kick out of it lol

In truth, I just assume that some women want their playthings or "food" to remain stupid or unserious so that they will never have to be afraid of falling any deeper than skin. Since I cant get much out of skin alone, it kind of works for me but it's hilarious coming from the gender that claims to be more mature than men. I look at Solomon and the women he courted. They ranged from a slave girl that worked in the fields to the Queen of Sheba. What made them so special? They knew exactly what they were getting with him and loved him as he was. There was no box to fit him in, and no stereotype to meet as he was not your average "King." It takes a special kind of woman to court a special kind of man. Without fakin it or havin to prove it all the time, she would be introspective, self-assured, and self-aware... humble yet without fear and not easily intimidated or impressed by status, intelligence, or wisdom. Creating impeccable synergy with whomever she was with of the same caliber. Like I said... "special."

Now, lest anyone think I'm in the market... relax. I'm just the "doggie in the window" gettin' the steady onlookers that like to ponder taking me home from time to time. I dig it like that for now... "watchin'" on the who, the what, and the why ;-) Although, that someday is approaching, when that glass will no longer do it for me folks... I'm out...

~moses apollo

I Know My Name...

"What if" is a waste of precious time and space

It dims the lights of this vibrant place

What if every cell in my body changed?

I am the sail, the plank

The mast that breaks and gets replaced

I am remade, repaired, reshaped

But somehow, still the same

Even after every cell in my body changed

I know my name

Wave after wave, I'm more afraid

It's been a hard year, it's been a high tide

I can make it make sense, but my body decides

I keep telling myself again and again

It's been a hard year, healing takes time

Routine test results, I'm probably fine

(I know better)

(I know better)

But it doesn't really matter

My body decides

One part at a time

I am the sail, the plank

The mast that breaks and gets replaced

I am remade, repaired, reshaped

But somehow, still the same

Even after every cell in my body changed

I know my name

I know my name

I know my name

I know

~sleeping at last

The Lost Art Of Articulation...

"... softly and close..."

I remember the days when the simplest explanation was usually the correct one and what made it simple was not that it was so elementary... but that it could be easily explained for mass understanding and/or consumption. A feat that required articulation. Many times I will write things that may require two or three reads to really comprehend the flowcharted and/or circular thought process within one lines' conclusion. Even the pieces of music I choose add (by lyric or emotive expression) to the themes that may at times hide between the letters. Thankfully, some have taken notice. I have been told this by folk that read my pieces. At first, they wonder why I repost things over and over again... but after awhile, some tell me what was finally revealed to them and to their surprise, it was not the same idea they picked up in their first reading...

When every detail you wish to use to support your thesis or hypothesis requires it's own paragraph because you see them differently than their name implies, it is very difficult to convey what you're trying to say without losing your audience to misunderstanding or a short attention span. So what do you do? KISS: Keep It Simple Stupid... knowing some depth will be lost, you advance your point anyway and hope they dig further into what you truly meant to say. Doing it this way will undoubtedly sprout misunderstanding and misinterpretation but that is all part of the fun... when it comes to writing that is.

Yet when this is translated into the read of one's actions and life, one is bound to be unfairly judged and/or "boxed". Especially when one lives an unorthodox life that cannot be easily explained in one sitting or conversation. Most folk are so linear, they are easy to read but some deal in complexities that require articulation. Not of an idea... but of a point of view and in order to accomplish this, the articulator will need an empathetic mind to receive said articulation. If they are unwilling or unable to step into your shoes and see through your eyes... save your breath. Your actions and/or ideas will be interpreted through the eyes of their own experience and belief system. Now imagine, you trudge along life meeting so few of these empathetic individuals that you simply decide that no one truly deserves your "why" any longer and you decide to clam up. What do you think happens? That's right, you are completely misjudged and therefore... misaligned. "Packaged" in the mind of too many that think they know how to interpret you because they either watched a YouTube video or took a class on the personality type they have chosen to box you into. You laugh it off and keep it moving because it's all you can do. The ones that "get you" are a breath of fresh air & the one's that don't... are work. Too much work to justify even bothering anymore. Today, that type has become way too sure of their own conclusion. To the point that some will actually try to convince you that you're the one that doesn't actually "get" you. 

I'm over being frustrated by it. I'm over being upset about it. There is too much in my life I have to do to worry about who gets me & who doesn't anymore. Maybe, when all is said and done, I'll come to care again but maybe by the time that I do, all those I thought worth articulating a stance to will have gone on to better paths. I just want to be free of every angst and hang-up known to man. Free of all things that effect men and women deeply. I want to face every discomfort with an answer that lets them slide off my back. Not in an arrogant, prideful, "nothin can touch me" kind of way but in the kind of way that says "nothing can move me unless I allow it". The kind of stoicism that isn't achieved through meditations or chants (as these are temporary and conditional) but the kind that has faced so much, all discomfort as heavy as a cat 5 storm, is faced with the same tenacity you would a drizzle. To think this would be as easy as making declarations on a blog is a joke. I know what "becoming" takes and with every iteration of "me", I get closer all the time.

I wish that I could share everything that I'm going through... but I can't. The great, the good, the bad and the horrible. All of it... belongs to me and my Lord. Only time will allow me to unfold it publically like pages slowly being read out of a diary that belonged to a recluse and when that day comes... I know I will be closer to the freedom I so desire. It will be a good read... trust it. Till then, I will speak of love and hope like the beautiful stars they are. As constants in the heavens... passion will serve as one of my guides. As gifts from my Lord to me and my own and I will never stop believing. You can trust that too... I'm out

~moses apollo     

Moses, Apollo and The Red Pill...

"when my time comes

forget the wrong that I've done

help me leave behind some reasons to be missed

and don't resent me

and when you're feeling empty

keep me in your memory

leave out all the rest"

Just had a conversation with a "Red Piller" and if you've followed my blog or seen any of my posts, you will know, I despise their ideas as it pertains to relationships. Believing that women actually want to be treated like sh*t due to the many times they've run roughshod over the good men in their lives is not something I choose to believe myself BUT something he said finally struck a cord. Or rather... it was something I said...

He began to tell me of an experience he had with a woman he showered with understanding. He knew she had been hurt by men in her life and he did not want to be added to that list. He chose not to use her as they did. They'd get close, profess love, bed her and eventually leave. Every time leaving behind another scar that needed to heal and with every occurrence, she'd only grow colder and more distant towards him. Rudeness would eventually follow in their interactions. He had assumed that her rudeness and dismissiveness towards him would end with healing so he said nothing and the thing was, like me, this man was no pushover. He would NEVER allow that behavior with anyone but he loved her enough to stand by and take whatever came. Yet after some time... enough was enough. He figured she was pushing him away... so he just stopped interacting with her altogether.

As he was speaking, it was dawning on me that this was no longer an aberration in their relationship. It seemed that over time, he was the one she felt she could do this to and in my mind, that counts towards character. He had asked me what I would do and I told him: when someone seems bothered having to treat you like a human being or acts like they would rather you didn't exist in their world... believe them and just end any and all contact. In other words, give them what they were too scared to ask for themselves. No need to hate them, no need to speak ill of them... just remove yourself from their sphere in every way, shape and form. That rudeness may have begun as a by-product of pain but it stuck as a constant in their relationship and when something like that exists... how can you call it a relationship of any kind? He told me this story to let me know that unreciprocated love and/or more to the point; unreciprocated decency drove him towards that red pill mindset and having been in situations like that myself... I could understand. I'm just NOT the type to throw out the baby with the bathwater or to classify all women based on what a few have done. This has happened to me with a handful and my deep love for them has driven me to remain understanding to a fault.

Yet now, things have come to a place where I need to start taking my own advice without becoming a "Red Piller" myself. I know my worth and I understand where and how it's been diminished by some. As much as some will hurt, I cannot continue acting as though everything is fine. Hoping that things get better when my gut is telling me that unless there is a drastic change, there is no going back from this and I'm no longer holding my breath. Friends, lovers, relatives and those near and dear to me have at times thought of me like a revolving door that does its' thing with no heart to mention. No feelings to consider and no humanity to acknowledge. As a man, you really don't sweat those things but after awhile, you start to notice where their heart is. You start asking yourself if these folk should gain access to anything having to do with you given its clear they could care less about you. All this dawned on me after I told him my views. It seems I had allowed things to go too far with some and that it was finally time to accept that our interactions have run their course. No bitterness, anger or regrets... just finally giving them what their posture towards me had decided on when the rudeness began. 

At this point in my life, I honestly have zero reasons to think its ok for any friend, lover or relative to think they can treat me like wallpaper that sticks to a wall that no longer produces an ounce of consideration. Especially when I'm just doing what I feel an honorable man should do and as time progresses, the reasons will become even LESS than zero. I'm still at the point that I can walk away "cool." Any more of it... and I may wind up despising these people. I will NOT allow that to happen... I love them too much to allow it... even if its just one sided you dig? I will keep to my honor... I will remain as I am... but my posture with folks like this must now change. 

Moses said "stay the course", Apollo said "f*ck em"... but both have come to say: "we'll handle it". All of me says: "I'm done". I'm out...

~moses apollo

Mine Tonight...

my feet tread softly upon these cold tiles... hoping they transition onto your own. to be met again with a smile that reveals it's satiation at being seen, heard, loved and desired by a fools heart. my feet tread softly... as my heart can now feel the weight of that beautiful pain found only in the pine for something sweet that pines for it just the same. that lovely emotional symphonic ache that says "i miss you my love... please find me now". this heavy heart is mine tonight and with it... an unparalleled gratitude. for such a thing declares my heart is alive. it says my heart can love and laugh. it reveals its ability to see and hear those that seek it still with the same fervor and passion it is designed to artistically express. in the midst of this welled up soul of tears... i am thankful...

and how lovely do i find you... as a solitary tear is allowed the privilege of kissing your beautiful face on my account... one. more. time. a tear among the many that was never meant to be an evil, but that instead was meant as the sign of a heart that mirrored my own. a sign that all i knew to be true was true no matter what was ever seen, heard or allowed to be so. a sign that when you reached out for me in the dark... i was doing the same. that when you felt that graze on your shoulder... i was feeling the soft of your skin on the tips of my fingers and that when you felt something soft pressed upon your lips... i was having a beautiful dream. as the symphonic ache composes its own sonata from two hearts now that share the same... my heart cries out in verse...

where does this heart land? (as if it had legs instead of wings) and where does it go to satiate this pine? (as if there was ever an end to its need) how do i live with this in my chest when those seasonal foxholes and trenches no longer serve in their purposed distraction? it is true that it is the artists desire to make love to his muse and i will name her "love" tonight. "love"... my truest muse. you are mine tonight... smile for me my love... remember me fondly and say my name with hope pressed against your lips. feel my breath of love upon your neck and breathe out the same... you are mine tonight...

~moses apollo   

Dark Secrets In the Light...

"I'm not the only one, starin' at the sun

Afraid of what you'd find, if you took a look inside

Not just deaf and dumb, staring at the sun

Not the only one, who's happy to go blind"

I know a young man with "gifts" that was courted at a very young age by two of the most prominent factions known and "unknown" to man. I place them as equals for universal context alone but only one reigned (and still reigns) supreme. The other... pretends to be equal for the sake of the masses they attempt to court. One requires the surrender of self, the other requires self's elevation. One requires sacrifice, the other seeks power and acquisition. One promises fulfillment in service, the other promises power and glory. In all this... only one delivers both, but only after having service and love become the forefront of every intended endeavor.

This young man chose wisely... and while his road was difficult, he would find it worth its' challenge. The challenge of truly loving beyond hate without needing to mutter senseless daily affirmations. The challenge of knowing who he was and living out all of his humanity under the banner of grace. Beginning as a religious zealot... and eventually shedding the weight of all fraudulent human piety that gloried in its own supposed "goodness." Yet of all the challenges, the challenge of finding out that the secrets the other side promised were simply twisted counterfeits of all he'd come to discover in time was one of the most liberating. "Secrets" only entrusted to "messengers" that were meant to do no harm and were never intended for humankind to employ for outcomes. He found out that these things that have enslaved many in spiritual bondage over time, were cloaked under an umbrella of forbidden knowledge that was neither "knowledge" nor cloaked all that well to begin with.

He came to learn that although there may be some interesting reads in the zeitgeist, there were no secret books worth much of anything when it came to understanding the supernatural outside of the one they call "simplistic." A realization that only came after studying MANY. He found it ironic that the very book most "truth seekers" chose to disregard was the very one they needed to read but never seemed to look for. A book whose "secrets" can only be found seven layers deep when illumination comes from the One that inspired the 66 books within it to begin with. He came to discover that there were no ancient texts that held the actual secrets to the powers of the universe. These texts turned out to simply contain an amalgamation of esoteric babble meant to impress a normative mind seeking to connect some spiritual dots. He realized that even after having been birthed into one side of a family whose heritage included the highest rankings of voodoo, there were no rituals, incantations or spells that could create or destroy when compared to the soul that with a whisper, could speak life into death through the power that comes from the One that has been named "The Most High" by both darkness and light. And to be CLEAR, those that serve Him in spirit and in truth do NOT inherit or take on a "consciousness" but instead become an actual part of Him. Becoming a new species if you will, as a pebble (Petros) is part of a larger rock (Petra)... birthed by His Spirit. As such, they inherit His most important love, His heart and yes... His authority and power as well. Yet the awareness of all these traits must grow out over time under the tutelage of their surrender to Him. NEVER outside of what He taught and NEVER for the sake of their own glory or power. What they receive in power and glory is all due to Him and it is because of this, that they have no reason to boast or carry titles.  

What realms require drugs to enter and exit, these enter and exit freely at the behest of Him that created such places or allowed them to exist. Where others sail tethered to a cord... these sail free but only for reasons ordained by the One that allows it. True power in an unseen world can only come when it is given to a pure heart. If that heart becomes corrupted, the power can still remain, BUT it can now become open for even the darkest to manipulate and use. Some decide to become overly mindful in protecting the power they have and choose to play it safe within the boxed parameters of religion. Others choose differently, deciding to walk a tightrope that engages all aspects of their humanity while in earnest doing their best to keep their intentions pure. A tightrope that allows them to be entrusted with deeper knowledge as they are unafraid to venture into places the overly cautious will not. Sometimes, the fullness of humanity (or even the juxtaposition of its weakness) can yield insight into the truth of what humankind was actually meant to become... and is on its way through Him, to ultimately becoming again. 

And now, as this young man has grown, he has held fast to His Lord and his way... a "Christian" in every sense of the word... yet "lawful" to be fully fallible and free. A follower of Christ that has rejected all attempts by "new ageism" at co-opting his Lord. A man that has allowed his home to rest on the outskirts of the dogmatic views of his day while appreciating the fundamentals they provided. He sees more than he can actually speak of these days without sounding crazy but the age is approaching where what he can declare will be made evident by unfolding events over time. In the last few weeks, he has been like a student that reads the titles of the chapters ahead of the current lesson plan. He knows what learning the next lessons could mean... and is prepared to accept them nonetheless.

So why speak of such things today? Why detail all of this here? Because among you are less than a handful that question why this man stands unaffected & unmoved by so much sent his way. Why is he impervious to things others seem to so easily succumb to? Some of you may comprehend what I've written here today, while others might have even more questions. In either case... you with "ears to hear"... "listen" closer than you ever have before. For writ between the letters... is both a warning... and a Word...

We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming... I'm out

~moses