There Was Once...

"I'm not talking 'bout movin' in

And I don't wanna change your life

But there's a warm wind blowing,

The stars are out, and I'd really love to see you tonight..."

There was once a beautiful box... whose assembly came without set rules. A creation of heart and soul that had men and women actually needing to learn each other before putting it together. It was this very process that made it special... and beautiful. A process that created boxes that were unique to every couple. Imperfect in design but special nonetheless. Yet due to it's seeming imperfections, some decided to create manuals on how to iron out the wrinkles of these boxes... and they marveled in their intelligence as they came to create "relationships in a box". A series of books, videos, social media posts and articles replete with psychobabble meant to inspire the creation of a series of lists of what one would want out of a relationship that usually included the only acceptable bar set so high, none but one percent of the population would be able to meet it. And so it went...

Men and women began to list out the superficial everyday needs that pacified "trigger points" of discomfort. Doing their best to remove the disagreements, the arguments and the disappointments that were known to be standard among the original boxes. The very things, that once overcome as humans, created something special... were now tossed aside. Yet along with those things, what was also tossed out... was the wider net of prospects. Men and women of "value" went from once being men and women of character to now being described as men and women that could meet the transactional needs that would make everyone "happy" and all things "perfect". The problem is... such things do not exist on their own. Just as it was, they needed to be created unique... not by meeting the terms on a list but by the ability to listen through touch, feel, passion and patience. By generating an understanding of each others inner workings so each could leave their own unique branding on their box. This didn't eliminate the "trigger points" but they were allowed to exist as part of a learning process that inspired growth. An inter-growth that allowed each to work through them as complete individuals able to express their most authentic selves without judgment.

Most men have checked out because they have come to understand that they, by virtue of these lists, can no longer meet the standards asked of them and those that can, now find themselves cycling through escapade after escapade of women that believe they will be the one to catch the "catch". Not understanding the power they have handed a slim minority of the population, they now find themselves disheartened by the imitators that claim "value" in their "doing" but are really only driven by a sexual agenda or an agenda of control. The complaints among the sexes have over spilled on the net as more and more realize the truth... you can "create" a home on your own but you cannot expect to find a human heart that will perfectly compliment that home without work & mutual sacrifice. In other words, humans are not robots. Nor do they come ready made to fit you alone. They are complex & require work to "become" but too many believe they could write out a list of what they "demand" or "deserve" (that's a funny one) and these will magically appear. Folks, if one does appear to meet all the check marks on your list, chances are... you're being duped someplace, somewhere and you will find out in time... and it will hurt.

As for me... I've decided to sit this one out altogether. My way is old school mature and I've written about it ad nauseam. I remember the old timers I used to talk to about relationships describe their endgames on the matter. Folks that were set and seasoned in their ways that pretty much understood that starting a new relationship with all the bells and whistles would require them to put up with a lot they have already exhausted the need and tolerance for. They actually believed they found a way to remove all the BS from their "relationships" without the need for lists or demands. You see these were folks content in their lives but missing that piece of passion and companionship every human craves. They did the "kids thing", the "white picket fence thing", the "PTA thing" etc... They just wanted someone they could connect with. Someone to just "be" with that was real when they said the words "I love you" or "I want you". They didn't need them to change their world... they could have their own. All they needed was to experience the truth of feeling wanted, loved & truly desired by something real. Even if that thing provided only half of the normal conventional "relationship"... they knew that if it was real... they would still have way more than those that had the 100% fake. I've seen these work till "death did them part" and it was impressive to me. I figure one or a few real ones like this and I'd be straight but there is no way in hell imma be bendin over backwards meeting expectations that I have already struggled to meet with others in my life. Especially when the "trend" is to meet this without reciprocation. I been there done that. I just want to love, laugh and live in earnest with someone that wants the same while I'm with them. No pretense, no expectations, no demands... just respect, love and passion. Most want it this way but are often too timid to admit it. They're afraid of being stigmatized so they accept it in secret. I have no problem with that and I've had to do that at times for THEM. I have loved and lost in excruciating pain and pleasure and guess what? I'd do it again and again in the fullness of all that I am... without apologies.

Today, I see so many folks waitin to meet "the one" that will fill out these lists facing disappointment after disappointment. Only to come to the point of giving up on love altogether or settling for something so bland, it makes you sad. They actually believe that what I just described is somehow degrading when in reality, it's keeping alive the most important part of human existence in ways that allows one to remain who they are after the most important parts of who they are have been branded into life (age making no difference in this equation). The problem? It requires brutal self-awareness, a mature mind, a tiny ego and a perspective willing to buck convention and today... this is few and far between. What's messed up is that most eventually come to this mindset a little too late. They come around as a last resort and by that time, sadly, among the masses... they have come to lose some of their appeal and wind up settling for the fakes they actually know are looking to use them. I look out into the zeitgeist on many topics and what I see here has me concerned about humanity's ability to think through love and despair. To be able to look into their prism and identify all the colors in between that allow them the come to the proper conclusions. Conclusions that inform their decisions on who or what they will allow into their lives and to what capacity. Too many are hurt... too many are lonely. I refuse to be a part of that. I am choosing to go my own way, even if it means I lose some of the ones I love... I'm out...

~moses apollo

Some Habits...

I guess I thought you'd be here

Forever

Another illusion

I chose to create

You don't know what you got

Until it's gone

And I found out

A little too late

I was acting as if

You were lucky to have me

Doing you a favor

I hardly knew you were there

But then you were gone

And it was all wrong

Had no idea how much I cared

Now being without you

Takes a lot of getting used to

Should learn to live with it

But I don't want to

Being without you

It's all a big mistake

Instead of getting easier

It's the hardest thing to take

I'm addicted to you, babe

You're a hard habit to break

You found someone else

You had every reason

Know I can't blame you

For running to him

Two people together

But living alone

I was spreading my love too thin

After all of these years

I'm still trying to shake it

Doing much better (They say that it just takes time)

But deep in the night

It's an endless fight

I can't get you out of my mind

Now being without you

Takes a lot of getting used to

Should learn to live with it

But I don't want to

Being without you

It's all a big mistake

Instead of getting easier

It's the hardest thing to take

I'm addicted to you, babe

You're a hard habit to break

I can't go on (Can't go on)

Just can't go on (Just can't go on)

I can't go on (Can't go on)

Just can't go on (Just can't go on)

Now being without you

Takes a lot of getting used to

Should learn to live with it

But I don't want to

Being without you

It's all a big mistake

Instead of getting easier

It's the hardest thing to take

I'm addicted to you, babe

You're a hard habit to break

You're a hard (You're a) habit to (Hard) break (Habit to break)

(Just can't go on)

Such a hard (Such a) habit to (Hard) break (Habit to break)

(Just can't go on)

I'm addicted to you

You're a hard (You're a) habit to (Hard) break (Habit to break)

(Just can't go on)

Such a hard (Such a) habit to (Hard) break (Habit to break)

(Just can't go on)

I'm addicted to you, baby!

~Chicago

 

Here Comes The River...

"Here comes the river... over the flames

Sometimes you got to burn to keep the storm away..."

Some of the grandest plans will exhaust the greatest amount of patience and will even at times... force you to find it within some internal reservoirs you never even knew existed. I see things coming to fruition that had me caught up in expectation and even though these things were expected, they still have a way of leaving me somewhat breathless in momentary shock. I knew this when what I was waiting for started to ramp up into reality and I made the decision to take some time to sit and watch the bowling ball roll down the aisle after its' release. Kind of making sure that the proverbial pin drops won't inadvertently drop me. Where I was chatty before, some might find me less so. Where I was animated and present... some may find me aloof. Still available, still "in the mix"... only more divided in my attention. I'm just "watchin" folks and at watch, yesterday brought me one of those moments I was anticipating.

It's one of those moments when a declaration of change hits you hard in the gut but because it's bittersweet... you accept it as a part of life. The day when someone you love decides it's time to move on, you watch them proudly grow into the next phase of their life knowing that their subsequent moves will require them to involve you to a much lesser extent. Not because you did anything wrong... but because you know you finally did something right. This is when the payoffs begin and some, by their nature... are hard as hell. This is when your longsuffering finally gets to bear witness to the flowers you planted so long ago. Flowers you knew would need to be moved to better soil someday. Out of your garden... and into their own. It's a heavy thing... and I am assured it will not be the last.

I need you all to listen to me very carefully. NEVER stop believing. It doesn't matter if they call you delusional for doing so. It doesn't matter who may ridicule you for holding fast to a vision they cannot see for themselves. Who chose to sit with you... or who picked up and left. Stand alone if you need to... it doesn't matter. Wait for the payoffs... they WILL come. 

At the end of it all... I see an elegant man in a 3 piece suit standing on a ledge overlooking the ocean. He is alone but he is at peace... and everyone is more than just good. He could do or be anything he wants... but in that moment... stillness is king. Let's get the rest of these pins down... I'm out...

~moses apollo 

Wonderfully Synonymous...

"What does it mean to whisper across space & time? It means to be able to love you unbound & untethered. To love you without form or convention. To love... like water is loved by whatever has the ability to hold it.."

To fall in love sighted... unseen. It is to see and taste your essence without the skin on skin. A reach out from within... into all you truly are. To see and hold the beauty that has been hidden from the world by either pain or purpose. Where the edges are not as rough and the frustration distance has created is tempered by the moments' satiation. Where imperfections work flawlessly into your design with no need for insecurity, fear or doubt. Where "naked" is confident by the flickering of the candle set before our dance. Where the "when" becomes a "close enough for now" that inspires you to want more than just a taste. In this space... who we really are shines on without even trying. We are beautiful... When entertained with a sober mind that is mindful and free from delusion, the heart and mind synergistically work together to create sound expectation. Expectations of passion that revolve around current realities breaking the molds of convention until they feasibly fit into a place of freedom and abandon... into a broad range wherein reckless love can flourish into something you've never had before. All building into an inevitability you just can't shake... nor do you want to...

And when you see her face to face? And you come to realize that the movement of her lips and the beating of her heart isn't all that different than what you saw unseen? You understand something... that there is no doubt about the grace you've been granted. You know then that when you touch... you'll be touching from a reference point that originated from a place of magic. When you kiss, you'll be kissing from a place of hunger and when skin finally touches skin... you'll be doing so with an electricity quickened by passion's acclaim. And because you've been conditioned to believe you might not see each other for quite some time, you will savor every second as every second will matter. It will be both tragic... and beautiful and you will once again experience... "young love". The kind that whispers articulate with a simple sigh that is easily inspired by something thought... or something written. The kind that turns "I want" and "I need" into two phrases that somehow become wonderfully synonymous. 

Can you feel that? 

That tickle in the belly is kinda cool huh? Can you "see" me now? ;-)      

~moses apollo 

Beyond The Mist: A Waterman Tale

The fantastical tales of Mr. Waterman never cease to tickle the imagination. They pull from all manner of spiritual truth and experience in an attempt to make the unseen palpable to the human mind. Here is one such "tale" as told by Waterman himself:

"As is the case for every human, there is a "veil" that rests slightly above the entirety of the body. Worn as a second skin, it serves as an invisible barrier... protecting humanity from the elements of a different realm. Most thought it was a curtain... but they were wrong. Ever since he was granted the ability to tear it... he now only sees a mist...

For two nights, venturing through this mist, he found himself in a darkened room. To his right, he saw a bed and on it, she lay on her side in an almost prostrate position. With somewhat of an uncontrollable shiver, she wiped tears from her eyes... heavy at heart. Both nights were the same; he calmly picks her up as if she weighs nothing at all and gently paces the room... admiring the contours of her beautiful face the whole time. Every time just like the first. Holding her in his arms like it was where she belonged. She knows him... and with eyes closed, she rests her head on his shoulder. The heaviness on her heart slowly dissipating with every step. Until finally... she falls asleep. Tenderly, he lay her back down and kisses her on the forehead goodnight. The room goes from darkness to "blue" and what was once a part of her heaviness... was and is now his own. He heads back home but knows what to do next.

What kind of love is this? What kind of connection? The kind that makes sense only to those that are willing to "see" what their eyes have been purposely clouded NOT to see... and it is powerful. There is no time, distance or disagreement that can stand between it... or against it. It will always have it's own say..."

Yeah... I think he may be right...  

~moses apollo       

I Still Believe...

"I won't let you go..."

It all began for me when I was very young. When I believed in holding hands, a stolen rose from a garden along the way and mixtapes with songs that reminded me of how much I missed her... and how she must be missing me the same. A long distance "relationship" was the first time I truly met the cutest form of love available to the wonderfully & foolishly naïve. A kid in love... you can't beat that. The very first love letter I ever wrote was inspired by her and the long distance we had to endure. You see... I wanted to be with her. I wanted to touch her and let her know how much I loved her... and all I had was a pen and paper...

I wrote that thing like it was the most important thing I've ever written in my life. I drew from the songs of the day that meant something to me and when I sent it... I really prayed she would like it. Well, it turned out to become more than I had imagined. It reached her in every way I needed it to and I finally found a way to have my heart do the holding my arms were too out of reach to enjoy. She shared it with her family and in catching up years later, she'd let me know that both her and her mother would sometimes pull it out of the box it was kept in to read. Folks, you can throw me all manner of compliments about my looks and my body but I have found that nothing beats a compliment thrown about what is seen after you've shown someone your heart. Some time after this, a friend of mine just happened to pick it up off my kitchen table to read. What happened next was nothing short of ridiculous.

This annoying little turd (said with as much affection as I could muster for that one) had begged me to use the letter for a girl he had a crush on. I will never forget her name... it was Prissy (a nickname no doubt) and she lived on our block. She used to hang out with a girl named Rosa and Rosa was extremely popular at school. I never got to know Prissy as well as I should have but what I can say is that looking back... I missed all the signs. Prissy and I had small chit chat from time to time but I never went much deeper than that due to my friends' crush on her. She seemed off limits to me so I never entertained a thing. One day, something had happened with me that made me feel "off" and she came up to me, put her arms around me and gave me the most assuring eyes a sad sot could ever ask for. My hands instinctively held her waist and for a few cool seconds, it felt like we were a couple. I literally had to look away as I felt the urge for a "lean-in" comin on but it felt kinda right. No, nothing ever came of it but that moment stayed with me for all these years... and for good reason.

Yet I digress... back to the letter. Yes, to my shame... I let him use it. Understand something folks, he was supposed to change it up a bit for himself but the troglodyte decided to hand it to her "as is"... with MY name still attached. Yes... this happened. Yet without exaggeration... it made the rounds at school and became a hit among the girls. One could say it went "viral" before such a thing was even thought of and folks... I was only about 11. I had no idea what to do with all that but my friend did have to say that it was meant for Prissy from HIM. In his case... it landed flat. In my case... oh buddy!! lol Now, I can already hear the simpletons regurgitating phrases like "we don't live in the past" blah blah and it is true but from time to time, we take peaks into the past (using sensibilities applicable at the time) to see if there are any nuggets we missed that we can still glean from and in absolute truth... I learned a lot from that experience. Pop phycology has us looking into the past to explain away or find the reasons for negatives affecting our present and I call bullsh*t on that. I seek out the beauty and the lessons I might've missed as everything we've ever been through had the opportunity to makes us bitter... or better. All hinging on perspective. For my part... I will always seek the better. 

So what, pray tell, is the lesson gleaned? That there is a childlike love immersed in childlike faith that inspires us to have wings we could never reason ourselves into manifesting. No matter how seasoned we become. No matter how stoic, logical or reasoned... we can still keep this childlike faith and love as a treasured commodity. The difference is that when we were young, we applied it to the unworthy as well as the worthy but as our hearts and minds have seasoned... we now apply it where it will do the most good. I am still that child in the spirit, soul and body of the man whose words you've come here to read today. It has cost me to keep but my return on that investment has earned my soul more than I could measure. You once believed and you might feel the outcome has tainted that belief but I'm here to tell you that it was not your belief that let you down... it's who you chose to invest that belief into. If a stock fails... do you swear off money in bitterness? No... then neither should you swear off love. Believe my loves... believe.

"It all began for me when I was very young. When I believed in holding hands, a stolen rose from a garden along the way and mixtapes with songs that reminded me of how much I missed her... and how she must be missing me the same." 

I STILL believe... I'm out...

~moses apollo

The Navigator's Love...

My Dearest Love,

There are no words left in my human lexicon to adequately describe how beautiful and wonderful you are to me. These days and nights out "at sea" have been costly to my heart as it has been in peril more times than I'd like to admit but alas, my Lord has been good to me. He has kept my heart more intact than I would have imagined was possible given all I have faced. I can see all there is to see from here. The beauty of the sun, the moon and the stars are at my beck and call but I am reminded that nothing can match the beauty I have found in you. I can truly say that I have found no flaw in your soul's design my beautiful woman... even within those seeming deficiencies you've been known to fret about. Those wonderful deficiencies that were designed to inspire more beauty upon their evolution. I see you as you were, as you are... and as you will be... and I have no choice but to love all that I have found before my grace-laden eyes. In every iteration, in every movement, in all the airs you breathe... both good and bad... I have found myself enamored and mused into creative passion by your existence alone. 

To know imagination has been kind enough to fill in the blanks has left me with sacred scars of both hope and pain. Etched in by the hands of the purest love imaginable. The kind that is willing to leave to be able to exist as long as it can... to exhibit life even in the midst of death itself. That love... unheard of even among the "gods" of old that has scorned them unto envy... is ours alone. Graced by My Lord... even in the absence of physical touch or common presence... transcending all that humanity has lost and will forever remain as what binds us together for as long as we have breath.

As I speak to you nightly about touch, faith, dreams and wishes from our designated star... praying you can hear me from my soul to yours, I am blessed to be periodically reminded of certain things my love: that your eyes are my horizon, your voice... my moon. Your body is my joy and your passion... is my muse. But alas your heart my love... is my sun. The thought that in some way it beats just a little faster for me... sustains my own in its desire just the same. I pray my travels will not keep much longer as I long to finally hold you in my arms. "Someday"... come soon... 

With All The Love I Can Express,

The Navigator

~moses apollo

Big Bodies...

"Shaped like an hourglass, fine as wine, G

So when I see I gotta step (it's a pride thing)

Never been a coward ('cause it's a east side thing)

Just step right up to the girl with the big fat

Hell of a rump, yo, the pumps and a bump, uh"

To answer this question here... I dig what my boy Tariq used to call "Big Bodies". Does that mean going into unhealthy "plumper" territory? Absolutely not. I describe "Big Bodies" as having a decent supply of muscle, meat or both. If the thin beauty got some shape, that too implies some muscle and she won't get hurt. Yes... you read that correctly... "hurt". From what? Violence? Hell no... from coupling sessions that might go off the rails. You think I'm kidding or saying this as a "flex"? I'm seriously not. I am a "large" man and it doesn't seem to have an end. On top of that, my strength seems to be shooting through the roof as well... heart failure my ass. Not even really killin myself... so be it but yes... God is good :-)

So "now you know my speed... and knowing is half the battle!!!" Now... while you lightweights are out there criticizing women with some meat on em or a bit too much muscle as "unhealthy" or "unfeminine"... I'm thinkin to myself, "you have NO IDEA what you're missing!!!" lol On a side note: I say the same about women over 38 as well!! You young pups ain't ready for that!! Won't last over 3 minutes if she's seasoned lol Yes ladies... you ARE seen by those who actually count... 

Ok!! Answered!! Good?!? It's not the only reason why I dig what I dig but that should satisfy the curious. Don't ask anymore... easy peasy... I'm out!!

~moses apollo

PS: What was the point of this one? I always have a point... unless I don't ;-)

The Hunger Vibe...

"*********"

She whispers in the dark... awakened from another fever dream she prayed would continue on through the night. She gasps at every flash of memory she succumbs to. A flash of him kissing her gently "a sweet hello" on the lips. A make out session that turns into a full on feeding. To then flash into another scene... he is entranced and shirtless... sensually kissing her inner thigh. On to another... his tounge intentionally slowly grazing just between her succulent from its bottom to the pinnacle of its pleasure. To finally flash into her own point of view... with eyes slightly closed... furiously riding him to her satisfaction. She... leaning her head back as legs tense into implosion, can only shriek a long, "F****CK!!". All the while, he... can only be described as lost in the moment of ecstatic primal passion... the place he professes to be most at ease. Motivated by a sense of the divine that translates effortlessly between heaven and earth... between sky... and skin. Purposed... and placed for the moment. All flashes of a dream she is still recovering from. Gasping for "steady" in her bed, her hands looking for a place to settle on her moist, slippery skin, she whispers to herself... "What the f*ck is this? WHO is this man to me?"

"Is he the one I read, bed and fed?... or the one I kept, left and wept? Can he be a variation of both without the "keeping"? He seems to appear when I need him to balm the cuts to my soul and the hunger of my skin and doesn't care to burden or satisfy me by overstaying his welcome. It's a healing and a hurt so fine and both keep me wondering what this is. I try to forget but he finds me when I seem to really need him... and what's worse? He might be completely oblivious to it all. All I know is that he doesn't mind "being" what I need in the moment but seems he's the kind that could never be officially tied down himself. Can some of this be better than none of this? Isn't none of it safer for me? Can I live with these kinds of discreet "visits" to my ecosystem without the disruption "staying" might cause... or is this flighted feeling good enough for someone seasoned enough by their measure of life? But even now... I can still taste his lips on my supple... still... pulsing..."

Is this me?... You?... Or someone else too? Beautiful & complex... lovely, fleeting, quaint & kind. Passion on the sails of "now" resting on the mind. This crazy, sexy, cool called "the hunger vibe"... I transcribe to inscribe what's mine alone to imbibe. Sweetest dreams...

~moses apollo

My Kind - A Poem by Moe

his silent eyes 

of springtime breeze

sing solemn sighs

of souls at ease

the sighs of one

whose fluttered heart 

has blessed his run

inspiring art

through flame of eyes

this molten beats

of hunger cries

and kingly feats

but she'd know not

he speaks of her

as time forgot

to set their stir

so here he'll wait

to set the stage

though some come late

his kind don't age

~moses apollo