If It Could Be Known...

"i don't get it...he's supposed to be dangerous but all he does is read poetry all day..."

How tempting it has been to become the *sshole even the best of us seem to now gravitate to. How easy it would be to take what I wanted...so freely given these days to anyone with a good enough rap. If it was known what comes to me that I've denied myself for the sake of conscience & honor. Things I say to no one but my Lord lest anyone should think me arrogant as some already have in the sharing of my experiences. Folks, what would entice a priest gets a yawn from me when nothing else is there...& I'm seeing it more & more. Even the best of us are succumbing to this emptiness. Looking for validation from rocks & sand or to outpace any semblance of loneliness. I just can't do it...I'm just not made that way. So damn ordinary...so damn easy to sway...to control. 

Some folks are even seeing my struggles in dreams & in one it was said "leave him...you don't know what he's dealing with". They saw me homeless in the middle of the ocean...& it's actually how I feel. In other words "water, water everywhere & not a drop to drink". Alas, I am not drowning in sorrow nor am I in some contemplative grief. I have much greater things to fight worrying about but it's to the point that I just don't care anymore & this has become just another "matter of fact". Give me a reason to try & I will. Give me nothing, as much as I want or love you...oh well. As of this writing, it's how I feel & as I usually do...I'm chronicling this so that when I come through this one with the right lesson, I will never forget what it took to get there...& you as usual, can see it all. Now some may see this as a step to abandoning all the good pieces of me I'm known for but no...this is a much needed, ongoing refining process of EVERY part of me. Taking what is good...wanting to meet it's worth to allow for even greater & ALL that takes a clearer perspective. An acknowledgement of certain evolving truths that require evolved resolutions. Grow or slowly die folks....it's up to you. Now...a quick note of truth...

There are many that I speak to or that may read this & claim to understand what I'm talking about but trust me when I tell you that 99.9% of the people I've spoken that claimed they "knew"? Didn't...until they actually "knew". Once you cross that threshold of more than simple goosebumps & tickles in your stomach...butterflies & the ootsy cutsies (which are necessary beginnings btw). When you enter into a true connection's intimacy that organically extends into coupling sessions that have you ecstatically saying "what the f*ck is this?"...some of the experiences you thought the most mind blowing are then downgraded to where they actually belong & it's like entering into a larger world where you are now...small & a bit more awakened to certain realities that will have you questioning your past experiences. Which is why I say..."it's not for everyone". If you think that f*cking and making love is the same thing...I now suggest you keep believing that. I used to suggest otherwise but trust me, I think you're better off believing all fish are the same & that what's "good"...is good enough for you. I honestly don't think this age is of the "spirit" to find out otherwise anymore & I honestly...no longer care as I once did. I'm just as blessed either way...

That is to say that of all the ordinary, I am blessed to have met the extra-ordinary...the "better than me's". Some don't believe they are who I know them to be because of their past mistakes & others may accept their place among the greats but just haven't come to fully embrace it yet. In either case they DO still exist & what I've come to see is that among the hordes of empty...we still tend to find each other. You just have to weed out the fakes past your "boxes", checklists & "feels" & you'll know over time. You'll come to understand that a queen that has tasted true royalty will always face the difference between a good lookin chair...& a throne. May that be for you a comforting parting thought from me my beautiful people. Lord keep them from this age...with...or without me.

"Know Thyself"...I'm out...

~moses apollo    

Flawless...

"like a phoenix rising from the dust

i've come to lift you up..."

...is beauty in the eyes of the beholder. yet ironically enough, the greatest of beauty's virtues is the acceptance of flaws that as yet persist on an endless road towards flawlessness...knowing it will never reach its goal but finding the journey worthy of travail nonetheless. it seeks to become all that it truly is at heart...whose image would ultimately be reflected in the mirror of truth. it's how i choose to live...so it is how i also, choose to love. the superficial will see a woman of quality's stretch marks, cellulite or surgical scarring as an imperfection...i see what they represent. they tell the story of how she "became". what she came through and why my inner pangs go justified at depth. to want to give her at the very least a piece of me she will never receive elsewhere. not for ego, not to claim ground but because i see in her something my father said should always be loved right..."a good woman". i want all she is because she is a work of art created by God Himself. like a sculpture carved out of stone...brought through fire and rain to live and love again. with every iteration adding a forged explosive passion just waiting to erupt. granted as a gift to those that overcome but only accessible to those that "see it"...because to see it, is to appreciate it and to appreciate it...is to aid in its release. to want to protect it...to want to love it without possession. holding care never to snuff out it's ability to grow beyond itself or even oneself...even when it hurts like mad to do so. all true...but i want truer still...

my beautiful people, these are not just words to me...i live this out to the best of my ability and i share this with you not to tell you how great i am but to proclaim that even in this, as far along as i believe myself to be...i still have a long way to go. keep to this at heart...that intention is truth. i can go through the motions and do everything right but my "why" will always reveal itself in time and sometimes that "why" is not what you assumed the action taken represented. to be "real" is not to simply take ownership of your actions...but it is the ability to acknowledge your truest intent and adjust accordingly. all i write on this blog is the realest i can be but it is never the end of all i will become. i am everything i say i am but by no means does this mean i am "done" becoming more. not as an obsession...but as simply a way of life. maybe there are tweaks to what you've grown to believe you need to make. to better your road and become even clearer on your perspective. never abandoning the tried and true but knowing that SOME things can be explored deeper to expand upon or even...to let go of. to re-examine your road using new lenses added by experience to finally see the piece of glass you never knew you missed. to understand what is it about this one or that one that really drew you in. as a silly example, i recently found out that i became enamored by someone years ago when she simply showed an audacity of interest by recording herself singing "happy birthday" to me. she trusted that i would not judge the singing but hoped i would pick up on the intent...i did. she also sang it well btw...just sayin. now i had many reasons to be enamored but after introspection...i found this little nugget of truth inside. why is that important? that intent produced a birthing of something. a "something" i easily loss sight of over time. a "something" that needed a reference point for context. context that connected dots i didn't even know needed connecting. 

so my word to you is this: examine yourselves...truly. are you who you really want to be? are you trying to get there? you can always be better than you are and some of you are still fighting the need to become more because you value your comfort over your own growth. now you know how folks say "follow the money"? follow your intent...shake that tree. stay blessed my beautiful people. i'm out... 

no matter what you've been taught, always remember this: words pierce the soul and can speak to the spirit. actions can appease the mind and the heart but intention remains the root of all that's said and done. 

~moses

Dangerous...

"when your fear is currency

and you feel that urgency

you want peace but there's war in your head

maybe that's where life is born

when our façades are torn

pain gives birth to the promise ahead..."

...is the seasoned man housed in a body that only improves with age. instead of laughing at time, he laughs with it since it seems they have become friends. the man sought terms in his new iteration as solid are becoming his ways. after a time of needed introspective growth, a few rooms in his heart close to make room for others/more important things and then there are less than a handful of rooms...expanded not by choice...but because his heart said so. his mind as yet to fully accept it but it's come to trust his heart in this matter. one room is meant to house a love so intense...it's time in absentia has become a deliberate safeguard. a safeguard against frustration, pain and the fear it will be too much to contain. the thought of its loss became so heavy that even the mention of a kiss could induce the fear of an indelible stain and a night of intimacy...the dread of a permanent scar. he says nothing...but he knows. he's seen it over time. the problem is that some safeguards take hold and what was meant to be temporary...becomes too "set in" to undo. something he has no control of as all he can do is stay true to who and what he is becoming. 

"i live, i love, i live...i grow...i love still..."

and in every iteration...there's still...you. i'm out...

~moses apollo

PS: SO SO GRATEFUL...

This Road...

 

"there's no time for us...there's no place for us

what is this thing that builds our dreams yet slips away from us? 

who wants to live forever?..."

...is very long...

till next time...

~moses apollo

BABY...IT'S A FIRE SALE...

"...so-er, are you experienced?

ah! have you ever been experienced?

well...I have

ah, let me prove it to you..."

EVERYTHING

MUST

GO

~moses apollo apolinaris

The Carriage And The Bridge...

"I think that possibly, maybe I'm falling for you

Yes, there's a chance that I've fallen quite hard over you

I've seen the waters that make your eyes shine, now I'm shining too

Because, oh because I've fallen quite hard over you..."

Note: A friend of mine gave me permission to speak on his experience so I could readily share my own with you all on this topic. I share this without mentioning names but do so only with the upmost respect and love.

OK so a friend of mine came across an online "crush" that turned into an online "infatuation". An online infatuation that lead into an online "like" whose curiosity and upkeep flowed into a real love that settled them into an exclusive long distance "dating" situation. Two people fell in love without ever having physically met. Rare but when honest...it can definitively happen. The funny part? After about 5 months, he says they finally met and claims that it was the most awkward situation he's ever been in. He didn't know if he should kiss her or even hold her hand. It was like they were strangers feeling out each others boundaries through awkward vibes. His confusion was an angry one. Why? Well here you have two people that told each other what would happen when they met. How they would kiss, how they would make love to each other etc and when the time came...zilch, nada...nothing.

Why is that funny? Well...I've already been there myself. Folks, if humans can build up an unwitnessed event around a simple photo in their minds, how much more can they build a whole life around conversations had in the quiet of what was inspired by real inner contact. Anything and everything can be shared unseen. Why? Because in such conditions we are no longer privy to what can drive or stifle conversation...facial expression and body language. So the very thing that we are initially instinctively conditioned to watch for comes so late to the party, that it appears as a third wheel tryin to play catch up at these brand new meet-ups. It's the funniest thing to watch her make a face when she thinks you're not looking after a joke is told you thought would make her laugh based on your online conversations. So was it all fully genuine? Was there some "yeah, me too!!" bullsh*t goin on? Of course!! As there is in any courtship except in these cases...we don't catch them as they remain unseen.

Given this, my friend had asked me if I thought they had made a mistake. If there was a chance they made up their feelings for each other as some online ego driven venture. Knowing what I know of their honest natures, I said "absolutely not". That all that was left was to get past the conundrum of leading with "bedroom talk" as opposed to the mundane and finding a way to reconcile the two. Folks, in a normal real life (as opposed to online) situation, the things shared in intimate online conversation were usually shared over time...and sometimes with the lights off in bed (lol) "Pillow talk" was the kind of talk that drew two people that dug each other even closer. You already knew what kind of food they liked, where they lived and if they had any pets. Pillow talk brought you into their childhood, examples of what exes did that drove them crazy, their favorite sexual position etc Online? We lead with this instead...and meet-ups are now a way to find out the rest. THIS is what makes it all so damn uncomfortable. You know just about everything EXCEPT what it feels like to actually be around them. So when the time comes, will you like the physical incarnation of the avatar you fell in love with online? That my beautiful people can take one meeting...or many. What determines that? The nature of the two meeting. Some folks think they can size someone up right away and seven times out of ten, they can...but only if the mark is simple. The complex take more time to understand so it will take more meet-ups to be sure and depending on the situation...that ain't always easy. Life happens and yes, that can and does at times get in the way. As such, some are happy to maintain the online "love" because that don't come with the mundane "hang-ups" but such a thing is so-incomplete it becomes a fantasy. Un-tested in every way. I can touch you internally from wherever I am...a beautiful gift. Yet in all it's beauty, it is incomplete without the puzzle piece it's meant to inspire. Like a man or a woman that can stand on their own. Strong and sure yes? Grant these two compatibles a task...and watch what happens. The internal energy co-mingling with external points that encircle each other creating a beautiful piece of symphonic magic is something only God could articulate. THIS...is what I seek...divinity fully expressed in brutal truth... 

In my "adventures" I've come across all types. The aggressive, the meek and the in between. The ones that wanted to find out who I actually was and the ones that feigned this curiosity to get me into bed. Some have so built up in their minds this fictitious "sexual god" (poetry, pics etc will do that...just ONE part of me) they were afraid to disappoint so they only went so far while others went for the damn gusto like I was some damn gigolo always at the ready to ride. Didn't mind either so long as they came to regulate their heart and mind into a truth; that I was a human being that was everything I said I was. Thankfully, so far that's always been the case. So what did I tell my friend?

I let him know that there's a bridge out there they both need to cross if they want this to work the way think it should because so far...they gone riding horses alone. Sending messages to each other from each end of the bridge. You see at the center of that bridge is their carriage. The one distinctively created by countless messages of love and hope. A carriage where they can sit and talk about bullsh*t. A carriage where they were meant to hitch both their horses to so it can carry them a bit here and there and maybe (if the stars continue to align), through a life they've chosen to now navigate together. On it, they can talk about how their day went, what their friend told them they couldn't believe, how their kids football game went etc  All without the expectations framed by their own imaginations. Yet always at the ready...to fulfill one or two ;-) I'm out my loves...

~moses 

Evo-revolution...Continues...

a life of constant flux...expected

unexpected...what new lenses are showin me

i've watched enough...i now know enough

some good, some bad...some beautiful, some ugly

all in all: growth brings us here every so often...nothing new to me

adapting to new weight requires one be more judicious with what they decide to carry

some of what will remain will be seen through a different prism

some will wane...others intensify. no longer my concern...i will remain who and what i am

i've watched enough...i now know enough

trials come like torrential rain...they can drown you or water you into new growth

that part is always up to you

~moses apollo

Tweakin - A Poem by Moe

"Imagine being free...Imagine tasting free

Imagine feeling free...Imagine feeling..."

unconditional love & steady passion

tweaks its art for conditional action

frees the flow for increased desire

now burnin wood for directional fire

the race now paced when feel is real

no more sweat for an impending meal

my flame it do what it gonna do

this costs me some, it ain't free for you

so speak my heart & sing my songs

i'll play my part in rightin wrongs

i won't hold back, i'll keep it new

what fate looks like, that's up to you

~apollo

The Conversation...

"see it...swimmin..."

Mind: "Stop...just stop..."

Heart: "Why should I?!?"

Mind: "Trust me you need to. I have a different perspective than you do and this last event has made me keener. I mean dammit...you still have your bandages on!!"

Heart: "I'm STILL in charge!!!!"

Mind: "Yeah, and that might be a problem. You my love are over-worked and way underpaid. I know you hate it when I say it but dammit it's true and it's my job to see it and tell you when I do. I have agreed you have to do you for us to feel alive but my job is to see that you are valued. To make sure all you are does not go to waste no matter how much you feel. YOU know I learned a lot to get here. Not through some bullsh*t school or youtube video but through actual experience. Now let me do my job. Back up, take some time...stop. I'm afraid you may be ignoring signs and signals just to persist. Give me time to evaluate things right."

Heart: "It's called giving folks the benefit of the doubt. You ought to try it sometimes. Lately you've been too quick to write people off on simplistic infractions."

Mind: "After all that's happened, it's hard not to want to waste anymore time. It's hard to ignore the voice of experience and wisdom and have to succumb to your notions of understanding and forgiveness. Our tolerance for bullsh*t has been high and that has to change. I don't want you to change but we have to be wiser. If you value honoring one's own worth as you say you do then you will allow the tweaks I want. Face it...we're different and that makes us valuable. It's not arrogant to admit it and you know all about false humility. Don't activate that sh*t now."

Heart: "It's just different for you is all. You are flippant about it. I can't do that. I'm more measured about it as I don't see it as a power the same way you do. I see it as a gift to be given out."

Mind: "Ok then mr self-righteous!! Remember what the Master says about giving? That we are basically tested with how we handle the little we have? How we are to freely give it out and NOT save or hoard it? That to do so would mean we would lose even that little we were given? You my friend give too damn much and are sometimes met with the hoarder. The kind that thinks to show any vulnerability or even simple respect with us is a weakness we would exploit. Either from past hurt or because of how we look. You know that sh*t is true!! It's my job to tell the difference!! You may not have arms or legs but what you do have in abundance is blood, love and passion but you are testing your limits to the brink!!"

Heart: "You know I have no limits and I will do as I must BUT...I will allow SOME of the tweaks you're suggesting. This new road IS based on vetting. I see your point on some things but like you look out for me...let me look out for you. Not everyone is gaming. Some folks are just being careful because of what they've been through. I know you want to write them off due to our last encounter but just be more judicious man. Your hardness compliments my softness but I just gave a little...you should do the same. Don't ever lose sight of what we learned from the Master so long ago and hold fast to it...love first my friend. We must lead with it everytime. You know that no matter how deep I may get, I'm always ready to hear & act on your side of things but always...me first."

Mind: "Yeah and that's the ONLY reason why you're in charge. I get what you're saying about being more judicious and you know I'm working on it. You know how we do. This time left a scar is all. Side note: does it bother you that folk are listening into our conversation? Some...might think you're crazy"

Heart: "As usual those that may think that don't understand me to begin with and their worth to me is at a level where their opinion means very little. I just really feel people will relate to this conversation and our give and take. People have lost sight of a simple truth. That they don't have to settle with how they feel or what they think when they feel they are spiraling out of control or feeling lost. We exist seperately for a reason. When you keep it brutally real, you become my therapist but that brutal honesty is a learned trait my friend & to most, their minds are simply yes men looking to validate their internal mess. Let them hear this just this once..."

Mind: "Well I'm just on the record as this not being a good idea... Anyway, glad we worked it out. Time to go to work..."

An internal conversation I had months ago. A common scenario where both mind and heart were correct. Neither right nor wrong...only degrees of each in every argument. The trick is found in their ability to convince the other of a singular symbiotic vision that can only bring true balance through brutal honesty. Before you can keep it real with anyone else...keep it real with yourself first. I'm out...

~moses apollo

Me!!...That's Who!!...

"Aquí estoy, en el hotel de los encuentros

Con los bolsillos llenos de palabras

Y cartas y fotos, y risas y lamentos

Poquito de ti, poquito de mí, poquito de todo..."

Who plans solo trips based off tourist videos that consistently show up on Youtube out of the blue? *refer to title*

It's hilarious but ok!! I'm out!!

~moses apollo