Mind: "Trust me you need to. I have a different perspective than you do and this last event has made me keener. I mean dammit...you still have your bandages on!!"
Heart: "I'm STILL in charge!!!!"
Mind: "Yeah, and that might be a problem. You my love are over-worked and way underpaid. I know you hate it when I say it but dammit it's true and it's my job to see it and tell you when I do. I have agreed you have to do you for us to feel alive but my job is to see that you are valued. To make sure all you are does not go to waste no matter how much you feel. YOU know I learned a lot to get here. Not through some bullsh*t school or youtube video but through actual experience. Now let me do my job. Back up, take some time...stop. I'm afraid you may be ignoring signs and signals just to persist. Give me time to evaluate things right."
Heart: "It's called giving folks the benefit of the doubt. You ought to try it sometimes. Lately you've been too quick to write people off on simplistic infractions."
Mind: "After all that's happened, it's hard not to want to waste anymore time. It's hard to ignore the voice of experience and wisdom and have to succumb to your notions of understanding and forgiveness. Our tolerance for bullsh*t has been high and that has to change. I don't want you to change but we have to be wiser. If you value honoring one's own worth as you say you do then you will allow the tweaks I want. Face it...we're different and that makes us valuable. It's not arrogant to admit it and you know all about false humility. Don't activate that sh*t now."
Heart: "It's just different for you is all. You are flippant about it. I can't do that. I'm more measured about it as I don't see it as a power the same way you do. I see it as a gift to be given out."
Mind: "Ok then mr self-righteous!! Remember what the Master says about giving? That we are basically tested with how we handle the little we have? How we are to freely give it out and NOT save or hoard it? That to do so would mean we would lose even that little we were given? You my friend give too damn much and are sometimes met with the hoarder. The kind that thinks to show any vulnerability or even simple respect with us is a weakness we would exploit. Either from past hurt or because of how we look. You know that sh*t is true!! It's my job to tell the difference!! You may not have arms or legs but what you do have in abundance is blood, love and passion but you are testing your limits to the brink!!"
Heart: "You know I have no limits and I will do as I must BUT...I will allow SOME of the tweaks you're suggesting. This new road IS based on vetting. I see your point on some things but like you look out for me...let me look out for you. Not everyone is gaming. Some folks are just being careful because of what they've been through. I know you want to write them off due to our last encounter but just be more judicious man. Your hardness compliments my softness but I just gave a little...you should do the same. Don't ever lose sight of what we learned from the Master so long ago and hold fast to it...love first my friend. We must lead with it everytime. You know that no matter how deep I may get, I'm always ready to hear & act on your side of things but always...me first."
Mind: "Yeah and that's the ONLY reason why you're in charge. I get what you're saying about being more judicious and you know I'm working on it. You know how we do. This time left a scar is all. Side note: does it bother you that folk are listening into our conversation? Some...might think you're crazy"
Heart: "As usual those that may think that don't understand me to begin with and their worth to me is at a level where their opinion means very little. I just really feel people will relate to this conversation and our give and take. People have lost sight of a simple truth. That they don't have to settle with how they feel or what they think when they feel they are spiraling out of control or feeling lost. We exist seperately for a reason. When you keep it brutally real, you become my therapist but that brutal honesty is a learned trait my friend & to most, their minds are simply yes men looking to validate their internal mess. Let them hear this just this once..."
Mind: "Well I'm just on the record as this not being a good idea... Anyway, glad we worked it out. Time to go to work..."
An internal conversation I had months ago. A common scenario where both mind and heart were correct. Neither right nor wrong...only degrees of each in every argument. The trick is found in their ability to convince the other of a singular symbiotic vision that can only bring true balance through brutal honesty. Before you can keep it real with anyone else...keep it real with yourself first. I'm out...
He had just had a moment with a beautiful woman in his apartment and it was time to leave. Just as they were getting ready he stopped, shut his eyes and took in a classical movement being played on his stereo. She looked at him and simply said "beautiful Moe..."...shaking her head in sweetness. She really didn't get the fullness of what was happening in that moment.
To tell you that my life has had battles would be an understatement. One after the next. They either involved me personally or someone else I had been entrusted to help. Always something that needed my attention and/or presence. So I came to acknowledge this would be my life and that any moment of beauty or passion I was afforded would be a moment of sweet intermission for me. Not many knew of them because I was never one to carry them as a man of sorrows but they were always present...still are. To know this is to understand why the things people take for granted are so very dear to me and why to me, they are worth fighting for. Those seconds, minutes and hours of stillness, the sweet melodies inspired by a beautiful sunrise, walks in a park on a cloudy day with someone you've missed, sitting by a lakeside with someone you love or even the unexpected message of hope sent by someone special are everything to me. It will always be something most will never comprehend as most are built to want the "lifetime" but to me...that's what those moments represent. That's what those nights of passion mean to me. To be with someone you love deeply for whatever hours you are graced is like a sonnet that must last forever in my heart because there's always that sense...it might not come again. Sitting in a foxhole waiting for your relief could take months at a time and not everyone can wait that long. All that you've built in love can be tested and sometimes even lost. I understand it...all too well. It's just the way it is. To have one understand it though...is a gift. A welcome rarity to say the least...
I remember watching movies as a kid that had long musical scores between their well worth four hour spans. This was called "the intermission". It allowed the movie goer a time of respite from the drama they were taking in from the flick. They could use the bathroom, get some more popcorn or time to just sit there to think about the epic. Who knew there was a life lesson in there for me... My Lord is good to me...
bedtime...the wind blows ever so slightly pushing the sheer curtains forward touching the unkempt bed as the moonlight completes the ambience needed for the night. the barefoot, shirtless man in jeans walks into the bedroom to find you by your dresser drawer wearing a t-shirt that reaches the knee...and nothing else. candles accentuating your beautiful silhouette...
*"Amsterdam Blue" begins its slow long hum in the background*
you turn your back to him in anticipation as he calmly walks towards you. standing just inches behind you, his breath is now soft on the nape of your neck while his hands grow bold to become the eyes of his soul...exploring. his fingertips showing him all he needs to know as his lips softly kiss your neck. his hands slowly making their way downward from your shoulders on passed your hands. from thighs to hips...across your belly. one hand making its' way to supple breast as the other is drawn to supple mound...moist...and ready. your heart...beating faster. your breath...heavy. you...doing your very best to maintain composure while loving every bit of this expression of his love. your eyes...closed off to your surroundings. existing now solely in an ethereal plane your union has created. tips now slipping soft between lips he longs to taste. fingers find the warm and the wet as your gates begin their welcome. he kisses, nibbles and bites on your neck as your head now lays back on his shoulder. your composure weakens, your hips writhe as his hand remains steady at work. your hand reaches back to find him ready and you turn your head to find his lips waiting for the long awaited kiss that finally holds nothing back. lost in the throws of passion...the embers glow soft, building...
you now hear...
an alarm clock. you wake up in a cold sweat, wet, shaken and frustrated. it was all just a dream...or was it? stay tuned...
Since I've decided to change things up in my training (since the pandemic) reactions seem to be more pronounced. Don't know if it's me or the "times" and since I see myself daily, the "changes" aren't all that visible to me. Today, one man said I should be in movies and a wino lady said I was "delicious" and a "big ole sweet teddy bear"...she wanted a hug and I obliged (usually don't) since her wino husband was standing behind her in approval lol I saw no malice in her and I considered it a kindness to folk that usually go ignored. Not a pat on the back (to myself)...just really felt this one for some reason. Don't know but I suspect I'll find out later.
Here's the kicker: both times...I felt nothing but gratitude. No shyness or recoil. Just an "ok thanks I really appreciate that" kind of vibe. Maybe it was the way they approached it or just me gettin used to my new "suit" lol You'd probably say: "Hey just post some pics!!" Easier said than done by someone that did this everyday till he became so sick of seein himself he had to virtually disappear for awhile. I created what I wanted. This next stage took it a bit further and seeks now to have it all "set it"...keeping it longer (and easier) than most. I don't mind takin the pics and I eventually will...just gotta get my mind in it again. Hate doin stuff half-ass you feel me? Anyway...back to our regularly scheduled programming ;-)
stateless, dateless...weightless in waiting. when life is put on hold it takes the bold to say yes, the old to say no...but the timeless still find the flow to grow. phases tame me numb to the gun of despair. i smile at it in derision knowing that all things must pass into process. in this 10x10 nothing can hurt me but nothing can touch me either lest i allow it. i hold on to hope by a thread i tirelessly keep re-building into an unbreakable line. slow are the days, the months and the years the clock is watched so i ignore it altogether. i hear the tik and the tock like an annoying buzz in my ear i swat at daily. where others see years...i see the seconds, minutes and hours the moments in the now afford.
sunsets and sunrises are a privilege. a kiss, a word of love, an embrace across the skies...all seasonings to me. intermissions between battles. i see it and feel it all but it's hard to take in completely. never knowing for sure when i'll be apt to sit at the table prepared for me. mindful as i try to keep up maintenance for those on my shoulders. no tears, no pain without complaint...only the press for other's progress and the internal gains these provide me. brutal will to the finish line drives me to the next level of evolution. replete with new challenges. where coping mechanisms have all been exhausted by experience and where what matters most is all that's left to expend energy on. stoic on my quest for this incarnation of "me" to bleed out into the next. where promises delayed are still promises set to keep. where all is sweeter in clarity in a world gone mad. where passion delves deeper into hearts that still beat and beauty has made its' home in the irises of my soul. in my Lord...nothing can stop me...nothing will deter me. this i declare...this, i know. as the world turns...i stand. He has made me a king...i can do anything...
Yeah...one got me about a month back...stayed up with me. In one scene, someone I care for asked me to watch over her kids while she was on a trip and we wound up bonding. Her kids, with me and mine. In the dream, I woke up to see them sitting at what was presumably my table and my oldest was feeding her youngest. I also had one on one time with both her oldest as they each needed advice on some things. It was odd but cool. When she came back, I told her all that happened and she was visibly upset that such a thing would take place. Why? Because I was a transient love in her life..."mommy's friend". A role I was more than fine with but what was I supposed to do? Ignore them? Hey!! I'm a very cool, likable individual!!! lol
What was also strange about it all was that I honestly thought that was "over" but it most definitely was not...complications (way less than before) and all. I can tell my lifestyle will be an ever increasing episodic moment to moment kind of thing...I'm cool with that but will everyone else be just as cool with it? Maybe not, no idea and I honestly can't bring myself to care as much as I used to. I spell it out clear from jump you dig? Love and honor demand it. It deters many but if they leave on the truth of things then it was not meant to be. "No mask"...remember? Anyway, I saw the timetable on this one and everything...cool stuff.
What is time but a construct "finite" beings can use to quantify their existence. Look above it as an infinite being and what can you see? Infinite possibilities that change based on choice and outside that construct? Blocks of...oh damn you'all ain't ready for that yet lol
"Just say when and I'll take you to my Tardis Who's the hardest?..."
To my male friends, family and readers: If you come to me asking about "how to" court a woman and you see it as too "simple" to "work" for you, do me a favor...check out YouTube. I'm sure you can find a video entitled "5 Steps To Make Her Want You" just as as easy as you would anything else. Men...that ain't me. Take some time and go through this blog. You'll see it is a testimony that I'm sincere and consistent when I say "be yourself". No tricks, no pretense, no agendas...no games. Put the best of your real foot forward and let it do what it do. If you have any value to offer one you find value in...then it will happen whether you want it to or not. Now, you can bag chicken-heads all day with your "how-to" lessons but women of quality require quality and that is something you can only fake for so long. And what is quality? You think it's a beautiful face? Nice tits and ass? How about "independent" and "well to do" maybe? Nah...those things are nice and all but true quality is far from those things. True quality is usually hidden under scars, heartache and forced smiles. It's surface is strength but it's a strength undergirded by a guarded heart that still has hope, faith, love and passion. Something you can't just use and abuse. Requiring your passion to breathe oxygen into it's lungs. However faint..."beautiful" was preserved in the face of a lot of trial and pain and THAT is the testimony of a heart that knows what is most important in life. If you are a man of quality, you'll pick it up right away but if you're on your way there, you'll take the time to mine her heart to find it. Not because you want to take something from her but because you are interested to know her...for her. Cheesy as hell but true none the less.
So if you ever ask me for advice, I will begin by asking you to tell me all about her and your time together. If it begins and ends on surface levels that include but are not limited to how thick her ass looks in jeans...then I ain't the one you need to be talkin to. I can speak on surface levels but I choose not to if that's all you're gonna want. It's like asking a chef of fine cuisine how to eat a Big Mac. That ain't bragging...I just know my strengths. All the women I've come to love are women of quality. Extremely desirous women that had no "need" for a man (whether they knew it or not) saw something worth loving in me. I've been blessed...and still am.
My brothers...if I ever told you to "be yourself" it was only because I saw in the natural "you" an undeniable charm or character trait that I knew women would find endearing but it will never work for you unless you see it for yourself. You don't need a 4 or 5 step plan. Nor do you need to play act "the nice guy" or "the bad boy" when you already know who you are. Don't ever get to the place you have to fake being someone else to entice anyone. God forbid you should walk into a commitment (heavy or light) wearing a mask. At some point...it's comin off. What you're left with after that is never good...for anybody. I'm out...
~moses apollo
PS: Mentally, physically and emotionally...I'm so very tired. Maybe I should care a bit more about that...but I don't...
