Thinking of a title to this piece, I all of a sudden remembered the line from my all time favorite show and movie..."Highlander". If you haven't seen it, you're missing out on something great but this isn't a piece about immortals hacking off each others heads for the grand prize. No, but that would be cool...
No, my beautiful people. This piece is about how there can be only one "you". That's right...only "one". Many consider themselves unique simply because their uniqueness has gone unmatched in their safe little worlds. Travel outside your comfort zone a little and test that theory in earnest. You'll get to find out just how unique you really are. Are you a conglomerated set of imitations? Or have your influences in life been simple seeds that you allowed to blossom into something all your own? The difference, like all things is measured in honest intent. There was a time in my youth that I mimicked great men. Their mannerisms and speech. All because I believed that if I acted like them and looked like them, I would wear the same greatness. Shit, was I wrong. I found myself falling short when what actually made them great was expected of me and I could not deliver. I had to find out the hard way for myself that the bottom line behind uniqueness is not in seeking to be different. It is in simply seeking to be a better you with as much truth and sincerity that you could ever muster within yourself. I stopped wanting to be able to speak like so-and-so or look like so-and-so but instead found myself drawn to the mirror looking for weak areas that I could work on. Some I could change, others I could only temper through a change in perspective. Yet. as I worked on those areas, they became a conglomerate of both strength and weakness that no one could attribute to anyone else. By the time I knew it, I was now beginning to see others imitate me. Flattered? Yes, but a futility for anyone to pursue. Not because my level is so high but because my edifice is built by an honesty and truth that is all my own. That's my blood, my sweat and my tears that built the building capable of writing and living out these words.
Yet so many are unwilling to look for any greatness within themselves. One, for fear of finding nothing and two, for fear of losing all they've accumulated through acclimated imitation. You want to find your greatness? Your true unique identity? Don't be afraid to lose anything...including all you've been accustomed to being. Some people get so comfortable living a lie that it becomes their truth. I've seen so many so-called "non-conformists" look, talk and act like every other "non-conformist" standing beside them. An oxymoron to say the least. Peer pressure says "You have to be like us to fit in" but fitting in will never allow you to stand out. I have spoken to so many so-called "non-conformists" and knew what they were going to say before they said it. Why? They all read the same fucking manual.
I'm not asking you to be like me nor will I ever do such a thing because I know you can't but everyone has to start their journey somewhere. All I can ever do is bring you to the starting line. It's up to you to do the rest because if I journeyed with you, you would come out with my ideas, my look and my regimen but what you'd be lacking was my heart...that's mine folks. You must find your own.
Understand this: True uniqueness seeks no one's approval or disapproval. True uniqueness is not dependant on who enters or leaves the room. True uniqueness draws people of all stripes because it chooses to stay the same engendering a trust in the people it draws. They know you're real and won't change for anyone. Yet most importantly, true uniqueness is humble enough to allow for self-correction because without this one important element, you are proclaiming yourself one that is not in need of any correction. With nothing to correct, there is nothing to change. So I encourage you seekers out there. Start your journey and become what you were truly meant to be. I may have started mine some time ago but guess what? I haven't reached my finish line yet...I'm out
As my voice comes back, chest gets clear and all numbness leaves my body, it's as though all this energy I feel that has been on reserve burst open. I suppose that's the bright spot in getting "sick"...you look to conserve energy. Yet I remember when such a thing got me into trouble in times past so now I seek to place it proper-like. My days energy was well spent I think. I listened and learned phraseology used to memorize parts of the periodic table coming to find that some of these chemists are perverted by nature. I watched a horribly acted and choreographed martial arts movie that ended in a flashback scene of Jean Claude Van Damme dancing. I was also treated to great homemade fun by a pretty soul that was damn near perfect and lastly, I was able to expend the rest on my heart's release...writing. Now some may say "that's it?" and I'd say "yeah...it was a good fuckin day".
When you come to learn that the big ass halogen lamp in the room is meant to distract you from the tiny firefly that captivates you on another level, you tend to ask more often than not "where's the firefly?" as you ignore the rest without effort or peer driven shame.
It's the little things that matter most folks. Those tiny inflections that make the moment...a "moment". Anyway, it's 4:57 in the AM and I'm gonna give this new European thing a try called "sleep"...I'm out
In this life I've come to understand that one can accept an end to a thing one has fought for when all options have truly been exhausted and can be done so with the peace of mind of one that has truly tried. Yet to quit when you can still fight is a concept that is anathema to my soul. Thankfully so...
In this very hour there are souls that lay in hospital beds with the option to fight but lack the will to do so. The products of an over-run life whose candles are flickering from exhaustion. Flickering from pain and bondage they cannot kick. Pray for them. That their candles receive the needed burst of fuel to outlast and overcome. That they be reminded that life is meant to live. That no matter how bad things get, another breath is always worth fighting for. Another breath affords you another chance to hug your child. Another chance to make amends. Another day to find the newness of love. Things are never as bad as they seem so long as their is life.
No matter how bad things can get, I can never accept the reasoning why one would consider ending their lives before the fullness of it had manifest. Or how retirement would mean an end to exploration. As though having seen much is enough. The truth is those of us that had lived a full life should know better than that as we are the stubborn types that dig finding treasure only to find that beneath that treasure, their is another layer of surface to break through for even greater treasure. It just doesn't end and a lifetime is not enough to see and know it all but it's a choice we all have to make when we are faced with our mortality. Do we fight for it or surrender it easy? I choose to fight and this is why when I say "I will live forever..."...I mean it.
Today was an interesting day for my emotional state but like all other days, I most often tend to land in a place of clarity before I lay my head on my overly flattened fucked up pillow. I just realized how strong my trained instincts have become. Where most people would probably be angry, upset or disappointed by a thing, I find myself truly hoping for the best for someone I know I will always love. It is always a surreal thing to feel because you witness how others react to such things and you might actually be waiting to react the same...but it doesn't happen. Some might interpret that the wrong way but I can assure you that I am genuinely thankful this person found someone. It's just something else is bugging me about it. On the outset everything looks "OK" but looking ahead as I do, I see glimpses of something that might be a problem for this person as more comes to light about character, moods...mental states etc. A problem that rainbow colored glasses won't allow anyone to see when everything is new. I hope I'm wrong but if I'm not, I just pray it doesn't sour this person's ability to love. It's just not my place to say and besides that, if I were to say anything, I'd be accused of intent to sabotage so this one...I must keep to myself.
Yet at the closing of the day, all this fell into the category of non-importance. We found out another family member of my ex could be on the brink of death and since losing someone last week was a bit jarring to say the least, this could not come at a worse time. Mortality always puts things into perspective folks and if anything is truer now of me it's this:
"Que sera...sera"...What will be...will be...
I am in a place of universal acceptance to those things I cannot control nor seek to control. I brace for impact to hits that I know are coming and loosen up to float when I see rivers too big for me to hold back...I'm out folks
