Code And Conviction...

A funny thing happened on his way to doing the right thing.  He found out it doesn't mean shit to anyone but himself...

There are many that seek to finalize some kind of recognition from the ones they love.  They want to put a final stamp on who they are that no one would ever question them again but sadly, at least in my experience...it is a task for fools.  It seems to make no difference.  The same complaints, the same arguments, the same accusations...all surface in times of egotistical angst.  All look to put a blind eye to all you've said and done.  Motives are questioned and all you've sacrificed is shrugged off as "whatever" just to say "shut the fuck up, I do what I want...who are you to tell me shit".  I keep forgetting that this is all too human.  I keep forgetting that love, tenderness, encouragement and supply are all inconsequential when it come the "I".  There is no more "we" in this world.  Family wanes in the face of "me".  Folks, I have finally exhausted my need to prove anything to anyone anymore.  I have found it futile and worthless.  People see you according to the moment and treat you not according to your value, but according to the air they breathe at any given time.  There is no consistency except that which their desires would dictate.  If in one second, they think they can better you, they will treat you like someone in the way until you leave and when they find they can't...sweets and treats are given to keep you around.  I've been there way too many times and as I found this was a pattern in my life, I decided to let go of it all and concentrate on me and yet...I've kept regressing.  I've held onto some notions I deemed "bits of trust" to keep me from a sense of utter bleakness at the idea of humanity.  I can't do this anymore.  I wait for the day when things will permanently change and I only see patterns to the contrary.  I hold on to hope but hope fades every time those around me regress into everything they said they hated only to come back again....only to regress again.  Even the seasoned have let go of the reigns of order and conviction that they may choose at whim what is right and what is wrong.  The honor in self denial for the sake of steadfastness is now gone.  It's no longer cool to say a thing and mean it because you might feel differently tomorrow.  As I understood it and as I live it...a word is never dependent or adjusted by "feelings".  Without a steady word, there can be no stability or peace of mind and I am tired of fighting for a stability outside of myself when all these things should come naturally.  Without fuss or fight.  Without having to repair or remind.  Logic and reason dictate the air of stability but if logic and reason get in the way of "me" then logic and reason are tossed aside...along with stability and peace.  So herein my air gets tighter every day and my breathing is getting more shallow.  I'm standing in the middle of a chaotic highway watching cars pass by at light speed in every direction imaginable, crashing into everything and what's worse is that those that should be watching with me, one by one...are opting to take part in the chaos.

It's hard to be a man of code and conviction in a world dictated by the air of children...the air of whims.  Where are the adults that once fought for intellectual honesty?  For the immovable standard?  Folks, I'm a fucking relic and an antique.  One that just realized how alone he really is... 

Maybe this is just a rant or maybe it's just time for another change.  I really don't know.  I will go through the motions of life as I have been but my heart is no longer beating as it was.  My eyes have dimmed so as not to see anything anymore because seeing only reminds me of all I lose daily.  Maybe if I go on with the motions, my heart will eventually catch up again.  Shit I really hope so.  At this stage...it really has to...otherwise...

I'm just so fucking tired...

~Moses Apollo Apolinaris

Misery...

"...without her I will be in misery..."

She sure hates drinkin alone...

A funny thing happened today...I found something worth writing about to take a break from my work.

I remember the days when I was married.  My friends would always try to coax me into going with them "out on the town" and though some would understand my hesitance to place myself in situations that may end badly for my marriage, others would consider it an a-front to their way of "living"...if that's what you want to call it.  They just didn't understand that my reluctance to join them was not just out of fear that some things may get out of hand...it was more than that.  I loved my wife.  I loved my children and as such, they were my peace.  It was way beyond their level of comprehension that a man could love his family so much that he would choose TV nights on the couch to booming noise and drunken stupor.  Why?  Well, it's simple really.  At that time, I never found myself needing such "escape".  Escape from what?

Misery

Fast forward to single man Apollo.  These "friends" now found themselves with an agenda.  A) Take him out with us so he can attract the women and B) Prove that their lives aren't so bad by converting this man into the same animals they were...lacking sound judgement and self-control.  Incidentally, to which both I said "F*ck off".

People, remain understanding and be wise to intention.  Whether it be from friend or foe and do not allow yourself to be stuck in the downward spiral of the divorcee.  To the tee, every divorcee I have come across has had the same experience.  They all want to "put the past behind them" and friends will use that phrase constantly as if to say "I'm lookin out for you".  I f*ckin hate it when people say that shit.  That phrase implies that we are to forget everything that made us who we are.  We are to start fresh everyday and forget all that happened yesterday.  Yeah?  Well good luck with that.  I look back all the time because I am the sum of my experience and all new experience only adds value to me.  I learned much.  How do I know?  I still "remember".  Folks, the "past is not the past".  The past is all you are in the present.  To seek to divulge oneself of everything obtained from the failed relationship is natural but where we go wrong is when we choose to devolve into everything we think we missed out on by ridding ourselves of even the good we obtained from the so-called "failed relationship".  Where we question and push back lines drawn from deep introspection.  Where we become everything we at one time scoffed at as "sad and pathetic".  There is a reason why clubs are so loud...they drown out your thoughts.  There is a reason why drinks are served...they dull your senses.  There is a reason why lights are so low...they don't allow you to see right.  Am I making any sense?  Now please understand I have nothing against these places and sometimes I might even go for the sake of diversion but if you f*ckin live there every time you have some downtime?  I'm sorry but you strike me as someone running away from an inner you that needs serious attention and guess what that makes you...miserable.

My friends love me and I them but they have a problem...they're single humans lol  Try and teach me anything you want but when it comes to relationships?  Shut the f*ck up.  I held onto a marriage for 17 years with a woman I can still say I love like family and have two great men to show for it.  So you can have your loud music and beer goggles.  I'll be at the jazz club sipping on my "Old Fashioned" while I absorb an art that helps me contemplate on life.  Seems a bit harsh?  Yeah...

~Apollo

The Moment When...

He was working late on a rainy night and was sick as a dog.  He hadn't slept in 24 hrs.  Hopped up on medicine, he sits to take a breather when he receives an unexpected call.  It was her.  The woman he had been bantering with for months was now ready, willing and able to take it to the next level.  She was asking for him now.  As sick and unready as he was, he felt he couldn't pass up this opportunity.  He gave her the address to the hotel he was staying in and went up to his room to ready himself for what he thought would be the best sex of his life.  All that banter, all that flirting...all that foreplay.  The time had finally come...or had it?

She arrives as sexy as he had always imagined.  She was as hungry as he had always hoped.  Her body was better than he had dreamed it would be.  He imagined this would be the moment where all the talk would manifest itself into this lust crazed reality...but in his zeal he forgot one very important point.  He was no where near the place he needed to be physically.  His lack of sleep and illness had him weak.  The medicine he was on didn't help either.  Pain killers that reduce inflammation are not good for areas that need inflaming.  Suffice to say, his grand moment fell embarrassingly flat.  Simply because he was too afraid to say "I can't tonight, I feel like shit".  He was afraid that she would consider him all talk.  He had the desire for her and something to prove on a night when neither could strengthen him enough for the task at hand.  The moment that should have been a beautiful memory is now an ego crippling nightmare.  One he will never be able to fully shake or live down.

People you must remember this.  Moments are "made".  They happen when they are supposed to.  When everything is right.  There are embers that burn high and embers that burn low.  Be patient with them.  Fan them gently.  This gentle foreplay eventually reaches a peak.  That place where the moment you've been waiting for finally happens.  Easing into that place makes it all the more perfect.  Where there is time enough to enjoy each other without distraction.  Where there is no rush to leave and no one to keep quiet for.  Where all parts are working the way they're supposed to.  Impulse is good only after you've had your moment but for your moment...do your best to keep it right.  Keep it as close to perfect as you can and I guarantee you...it will last forever...

Im out...

~Apollo

The Valley - A Story by Apollo

The wind howls in this wasteland. A group of us walk together but we are isolated from each other's plight. We just trudge along. We cover our faces with an old piece of cloth and push on through this days storm. Every day is something different but each time there's a scar left somehow...as well as a bit of extra strength along the way. Broken mirrors tell the tale of a soul transformed. Transformed by the valley...

Being forced to navigate through the sandstorm, our eyes now see clearer. Carrying around our gear for miles at a time, our grip is now firmer and our backs feel no pain. Enduring the beating sun, our skins are now thicker and with tasks fulfilled...our senses are as keen as they will ever get at this level. Yet this is no place to live. In this place...there is no life that can endure. Everything dies here in time...everything. There is no rest...

So when do we leave this God-forsaken place?

(whisper) "when the mirrors say so"...(whisper)

That's when the path to our mountain opens up. That place we can rest. That place we can feel renewed. Where we can no longer see the valley below. Where the air is clean and the breeze is just right. Where the sun doesn't scorch and the rain doesn't bruise. There is beauty, rest, peace and an abundance of love. It's home...the place we all belong.

A young boy in our group picked up one of the broken mirrors and smiled. He knew it was his time. Setting down the mirror, he saw a path form at his feet that led to his mountain. I held him tight for a long while...holding back tears. His care was one of the reasons I was there to begin with. I told him to run...that I would see him soon. The scars he carried would forever remind him why he was in that place to begin with and maybe, just maybe, he wouldn't have to return. I knew better though. You see...we all come back. If there was ever a place for those that are meant to be more than they are...it is this wasteland.

The valley and the mountain serve their purpose well as two pieces in a cycle towards greatness. The valley takes us through treacherous terrain as a form of training creating all we must become. Stay too long and you risk injury, insanity or death. Shorten your stay and you will never be all you could've been. The mountain allows our muscles to rest and adapt to the valley's training. Stay too long, we become weak, lazy and fat. Shorten your stay and you risk injury at your next training session from not having rested enough. A circle of hard and soft...yin and yang. Good and evil working together creating a cycle of purpose, scheme...and providence.

I picked up a broken piece from the ground...

~Apollo

PS: Whenever you're ready...you know the way home.

My Moon - A Poem by Apollo

My moon has taken breath

She has sworn me to silence

Tales of lust and fire

A passion brewed from fleshly pain

The kind that hungers for skin

Soft and tender to devour

To gently kiss and taste the flower

Between all that is called beautiful

Here now glimpse the monster

Unrestricted and unleashed

That beast of tender tamed

To softly touch and fiercely rend

From the soft to the hard

From the pain to the pleasure

Yet quiet is the beast until unleashed

For she has sworn me to silence 

My moon has taken breath...

~Apollo

What You Choose To See...

I created this video on Thursday, March 6th 2014 from my workout the day before.  I then decided to send it out to certain people that might appreciate it.  When I showed it to my son, he asked me "What's the point of this?" and I proceeded to explain the lesson hidden in the video.  His response was "Yeah but not everybody's gonna get it".  He's right.

There are times that I will write a piece about one thing and hide a message "in plain sight".  Is it in the setting?  The song maybe?  This is the part that I like to leave to the observer.  They may not get it today or even next week but eventually...I do hope they "get" what it was meant for...

~Apollo

Temple - A Poem by Apollo

You are not a showpiece but a work of art
Created in the image of a perfect grace
An omnipotent made for omnipotence.
Housing the very nature of value
Encasing the complexities of order called an eternal chaos
To disregard it's value means death
To overindulge in it's attributes means detrimental excess...

And so drive quickens your tenure
Invigorating your hunger
Moving your anger to passion
Your nails grow sharper and your tongue is quickened
Your hunger is as that of a beast unfed in weeks
Your lust unbridled and chained awaiting a key
While your strength destroys and holds together by a thread
As all weariness and sunken eyes become your house-guest

...until you are complete...

~Apollo

The New World...

As many of you know, I have had my Facebook account deactivated for quite some time now.  Well, I decided to re-activate it.  Not for the sake of nostalgia nor to say hello to old friends but simply to look for an old buddy of mine that was deported to Ecuador when I was a teenager.  It was that or jail-time for him.  Shit, which would you choose?  My cause came back empty but I decided to hello to a few folks...

What I came away with as I reached out to some people I have not communed with in some time was interesting to me to say the least.  Almost to a tee, I read them all write "Wow, where were you?  You fell off the face of the earth".  Now read that again and tell me if that isn't an odd thing to say.  Did I?  Now keep in mind that most of these Facebook friends are all local.  They not only live in the same state I do but also the same borough.  Shit, for most it would take me about 20 minutes by train to reach them so how in God's name did I "fall off the face of the earth"?

Understand that this is not a criticism of my friends.  We are all just a part of this new normal that has brought us here willingly.  It's just the past comes to mind by comparison.  I remember the days when we would travel to see our friends on a daily basis.  We would hang out and seek new friends to join us.  We called this "chillin".  Now these are called "get togethers" and they require invites to be sent by one to many on some "friends list".  Facebook, Instagram, Twitter etc, has become "the world".  Never mind that I'm in the next room.  Never mind that I live two blocks away.  If I'm not on some social network...I may as well have passed away lol  I just reminded them all..."Hey, I'm still here" lol  My seclusion was by choice and that's well understood but the reaction from people speaks to the state of the times we live in.  God help us all...

It's a sad thing to witness the deterioration of community through things that are meant to make life easier but that is, in fact what has wound up happening.  Can we stop this?  If we could, would we?  No, this my people is a wheel that has no stopper...except of course if there was a catastrophic power outage lol  Imagine that?  No cell phones, Facebook or Twitter.  Shit, people wouldn't know what to do with themselves lol  Anyway, that's my thought for the night.  I'll be deactivating again...until my next resurrection lol

~Apollo

Conditions...

Sometime in the past, present and future...

We are asked revelatory questions without even knowing it.  Questions that are innocuous enough to illicit a child like truth that reveals more than we'd care to share.

Man: "Do you view me like a piece of furniture in this place?"
Woman: "I just wish you'd contribute more..."

Not the response he was looking for...especially after all he's done and continues to do.  He is now left with a distinct impression and a word keeps ringing in his ear..."conditional".  Now he believes he understands the dismissive looks and lack of affection.  The nitpicking and flippant attitude.  If affection and respect are the natural offspring of true love then by all accounts there should be no conditions placed on their expression.  Even with all that he does, it still isn't enough.  Even though no other man would do as he does, it becomes common place and thus, not worthy of recognition.  So why even bother then?  Since anything received is now in question as being done due to "conditions" being met.  Is he now relegated to being the mouse in the maze that rings the bell and gets the treat?  Fuck that...

This is why I say..."Take care in what you say before you speak".  The response should have been an easy "HELL NO".  Yeah, my boy is bit fucked up over it...

~Apollo  

Intention...

What a word huh?  This is what I like to call the "why".  It is what matters most as it alone is what truly drives the heart of man.  It's never the "what".  People do things as their minds would have them calculate for an end result.  Like planting a tiny unseen seed that is germinated with each consecutive move.  When the end result is seen as something fucked up had it been done outright, this is what most will do.  These folk always tend to keep the "what" in check as something they can easily excuse or explain away.  Where gestures are simple...everyday common occurrences that fit perfectly within the context of the circumstance.  Watch these folks long enough and you can always decode the truth behind the "why".

Consider the woman at the gym.  The slim but curvaceous woman with shape for days that wears everything two sizes too small.  Nothing is left to the imagination to the point there really is no need to get her naked.  Now I ask you, you are going to a gym to sweat your ass off.  You are going to be bending over and getting into all kinds of funky positions.  What the fuck are you doing dressed like this?  You go to a place where there is no room for cute...lookin like you just want to show everyone everything you got.  I had a few incidents where these types saw me working out in front of a mirror and decided it prudent to stretch and bend right within my eyeshot.  Right in front of the fuckin mirror adjacent to mine.  It annoyed the shit out of me because I went there to train.  In any other place, that would be welcome but there?  Wrong fuckin place, wrong fuckin time.  This is one of the many reasons why I work out at home.  Now, that's the "what".  If I would have turned around and said "Hey, I'm not interested!!!", I would have been met with feigned outrage.  She would have lied about the "why" and said "Relax, I'm only stretching...this is a gym you know?".  OK fine...so you say nothing and just ignore the spectacle.  Oh and the outfit?  "Oh please, this is workout gear!!!".  Yeah that's right...because they bought it at Modell's lol  You know what?  They would be telling the truth...on it's face.  She would have given every other reasonable explanation as to "why" because the "what" fell into context.  When the reality was, this chick meant to be seen.  She went to be desired.  She wanted the Alphas to make her feel like an Alpha and maybe pick one up in the process.  To me, that falls under the category of "game".  Shit I no longer can stomach.  Tell me what you fuckin want and get it over with.

Now, while the example above is a bit blatant, others are so obscure they can nary be seen...but I see them lol  Some just want to be the shit. I've seen people just gravitate towards the unavailable simply to satiate their ego.  To be able to say "You see, I can get her if I wanted".  Consider the female boss.  She's in charge and she's passable.  She's happily married with two children and some insecure asshole thinks that she would be the ultimate challenge.  He doesn't want her nor does he find her all that appealing.  He just wants the satisfaction of knowing he can have her if he wanted.  So how does he reach her?  She, out of respect for her family keeps herself at distance from her subordinates which makes her hard to get to.  So...what does he do?  He does what all con men do.  He inches closer through camaraderie and a seeming interest to learn from her.  He makes it known that he is open to innocent conversations about "work" and keeps them short...at first.  Once a good working relationship is established, he slips in a bit of playfulness as the door begins to widen in her mind.  She trusts he respects her marriage to the point where she allows herself to become vulnerable and then ultimately...confused.  He waits for some alone time and that awkward stare.  He's got her.  This piece of shit is happy with himself while she is left now questioning her love for her husband.  She looks to start conversation and he is now disinterested.  He got his reward.  Now, what do you think he would he say?  "What? I did nothing wrong"..."We talked about work and didn't do anything wrong".  His intentions remain hidden within the context of "work".  No one but God could ever accuse him...but he would still be a piece of shit.

I've been amazed at how stumped women get when I've approached them and said "Hello, my name is Moses and I saw you from over there.  I find you attractive and would like to get to know you better...may I sit down?".  I would get an astonished smile almost every time.  Simply because I told them the truth.  The truth people.  If you have to hide what you're doing then there's a reason why.  Maybe it's something you shouldn't be doing in the first place.

It's not always easy to be transparent but it's rewards far outweigh the risks.  Leave the games to the children of this age that giggle every time the blocks fall down.  Be real...and in all things do your best to be honest.  You will find it less exhausting.  Haven't you heard that it's easier to do your work than to try everything you can to slack off?  Anyway, that's my lesson for the night boys and girls...sweet dreams...

~Apollo