We all have roads we choose to travail. Where we meet our destination with disappointment when we find out that what we were expecting doesn't materialize. I've gone up many roads to my designated spot expecting to find someone there only to turn back when they weren't. It's nothing new for me.
It takes trust for that but trust wears thin when it happens one too many times. So then?...
My roads now take me to the halfway points of a measured goal. These cannot disappoint. They pass or fail at my own hand. They are mine and no one else's. If I get there and find I was wrong then the only disappointment is on me. That other shit sucks and leaves you with unanswered questions. Thoughts that years could never silence. Hurt that you couldn't foresee. Every time I'm unsure about a thing, I focus on my road and leave some wiggle room for a pleasant surprise...
I can remember a sixteen year old. Devoted to God and all that came with such devotion. He would stand up alone if he had to change things he knew were wrong...and it would always cost him.
He fondly remembers the fellowship of a choir, anointed by the Spirit. Not because of the sweet sounds they were endowed with but because every rehearsal had turned into a "one step closer to God" session and God, as a result, found favor with every performance. They sang for Him and to Him alone. God visited every song with grace. He can vividly remember the first note of "Amazing Grace" flowing like water upon the masses and God's anointing producing inevitable success. Success that would soon fuel the foolish pride of all those involved.
This sixteen year old and a few dear friends saw the peril of it and thought to speak out in an open meeting. Before the meeting, he counted the heads of the brave and found them few but he went ahead anyway. He stood up in a meeting of about 40 and voiced his concern only to be ridiculed and challenged by the leader. When asked, "Is there anyone else that agrees with you?", he said yes but would not point them out. The leader challenged the group directly and asked "Who else agrees with him?!?!" The young man only said "To stand or not...it's up to them". The young man could see peripherally his very dear friend who just minutes prior had said would back him up...lower his head in fear and shame. The young man left the choir that day and dusted his feet in protest. He knew that in most things, he would only have God's backing...and although it may be lonely at times, it would be enough.
The following week's meeting produced several more like him. He would hear that they stood up one by one to voice their concerns. That the desire to grow in number and fame was taking the place of the silent fellowship they had developed with the Creator that made it all possible. The leader would not listen and in time, the choir would disband. The young man would take no pleasure in being right. He was only grieved that the warnings were never heeded and the hurt he felt that day would fester throughout his life.
He would face several trials like this. He would challenge authority when no one else would and at 34, it all came full circle. He was commissioned to go to Bahrain as a "Person In Charge" on board several dredging vessels. It was a figurehead position but he didn't take it lightly. He went to work just as he had on all the other vessels he had worked on. Yet he began to see injustice all around him. The Filipinos, the Africans and the Indians would work like slaves for a fifth of the pay the American workers earned. They were housed like cattle in rooms while the Americans all had flats in the major cities. It was a disgrace. He befriended most of the crew and when it came time to rectify a small matter for one of the hardest working Filipinos there, he was told it wasn't any of his business and he should keep quiet. He heard it directly from the big boss himself. The man gloated about the fact he could fire and treat these workers anyway he wanted without account. The man quietly seethed inside and for the rest of his time there...he would openly rebel.
He flaunted his friendships and freedom among the "bigs". He would go out every night and show up whenever he felt like it. The crew protected him as much as they could...something else he would revel in. Eventually, the big boss tried to make his stay there miserable and the man just responded with a dismissive chuckle. Here was someone that wasn't afraid of him. Here was someone that scoffed at his nickname "terminator" and there was shit all "terminator" could do about it. He needed his figurehead. This would finally end once need of him was over and that's when the blowup happened. No one really knew what fueled his rebellion but he had to make a point to everyone. Your dignity is worth more than a paycheck...as is your manhood.
They met one night on the bridge of a ship. Big boss thought it prudent to threaten the man with a finger pointed at his face and the man lost it. All he could see was big boss's blood on his hands and in controlled anger, he told big boss all that needed saying. Going so far as to call big boss a piece of shit to his face for thinking he was god in a foreign land. Again, the leader wouldn't listen. This "terminator" fearfully stood behind a few men and arranged the man's flight home. Later, the man would come to find out that his friend, that had been treated like garbage as well, was received like a dignitary on his return trip to Bahrain. Meals, a driver and freedom were at his disposal. They couldn't afford another loss so they treated him like the king he was. The man told his friend what happened and his friend, rightfully milked it for all it was worth. His friend told him that witnesses had said they really thought they were about to witness a murder. No people, I stand true to my words...self control measures a man's worth. Moses...is worth a lot.
In time, big boss was demoted to a desk job and many that oversaw the garbage that went on were sent home without pay. And so it went...full circle.
Years later, it still haunts him. Resentment in a cocktail of righteous indignation fuels his desire to return with rank and wisdom. Just as Moses returned to Egypt in the office of the Prophet, this Moses has a keen focus to return in an office he has been carved out into. This is not about a dream...it is about purpose and design...
"...we made our beds and now we hate where these be..."
At one time or another, I have been both blessed and cursed to be you. I have seen what you've seen and been where you've been. I have done things in the light that didn't need the cover of darkness and I have done things in the dark you would never accept in the light. Things that always rise to the surface of daylight.
As such, I can be all things to all men.
My father told me once not to play with matches. He said I would get burned. So I decided to do it behind his back. He knew. Why? He had a burn-mark to prove he was right. I never told him I just burned the hell out of myself but somehow I knew he already knew. I now carry the same mark. He just looked at it with indifference and never said a word. I finally got it...
The lesson? Kids, keep playing with fire...you'll get burned soon enough. Don't come cryin to me. I let you know that would happen. The most I'll do now is tell you there's a pharmacy up the block.
How does wisdom dictate? It allows you to see through patience, experience...and time.
Epiphany...
I saw her sitting at the bottom of a well. Cold, hungry and unkempt. I looked everywhere for a rope and when I failed to find one strong enough to lift her, I borrowed money from unseemly types. I bought the strongest rope you could imagine and dropped it down into the well. From the top, I yelled at her to set her torso into the noose I had fashioned...no response.
I decided to climb down to see if maybe she needed help getting in the noose only to have her push away the rope at every turn. For days I tried to reason with her to no avail. Then, just as I was set to give up, the unseemly types I had borrowed money from pulled up the rope...leaving me in the well to suffer her same fate...
I took on her odor. I felt the same hunger pains and lack of rest. Despair almost overtook my soul in the darkness of that place but I fought it at every turn. I soon came to find that she had accepted her fate. She had accepted the idea that the only thing she could do was sail through the winds of a fate she still had the power and strength to change. Not me...I, through seething anger and hurt, found my way out of the well, saddened the whole time because I knew I was leaving her behind. You see, after some time, wisdom spoke a thing to me. I knew that if there was ever a chance to help her again; one, she would have to want my help and two, I would need to be strong enough to pull her up when that time came. That would mean I would have to walk away. I would have to bury all care for her under lock and key. Not do away with it, but keep it in a place in my heart where it would not have any effect on my progress. I would have to disconnect...
In time, I became strong again and after paying back the unseemly types...I bought my own rope. Every once and a while I drop the rope down into the well. I wait like a fisherman waits for a bite. I watch her from atop and throw down food whenever I can but I will never again make the same mistake I did before. I will not go down into that well unless I know for certain that she is willing to break her fingers to get out. Why? Because then I will be certain she will never want to go back into that well ever again and all my efforts would not have been in vain...
To all the wise. We know what we know and it is not for the sake of pride I mention this. Knowing what needs doing obligates us to do what we know to do and that can really hurt sometimes. It will cause you to deny yourself selfish things more times than not and give you a bad taste for vain endeavors...what most people call "fun". Leaving you with a handful of friends. In my humble opinion...that's a small price to pay for all you get in return but it still remains a heavy price nonetheless. You may have someone that is addicted to a subtle vice that is difficult to peg as evil but you have seen this vice destroy them and yourself. You cried with them and fought with them for more only to come to the sad conclusion that you care about them more then they do for themselves. Sorry but sometimes, all you can do is walk away, watch and wait to determine your next move. Don't get dirty with them unless unless you are certain they are willing to get clean. This is true in many circumstances and carries with it the heavy heart of eventuality. You hope against hope that it never has to come to that but all you see has you convinced...it will.
I waited...and I saw all I needed to see. I know what comes next...for me...
"...because the wind is high...it blows my mind..."
I have never known a song to be so simple and so deep at the same time. I love The Beatles thanks to my father. Those over-sized speakers blasted their first album every weekend at 944 42nd street. Right there along with the Rolling Stones. I would just sit and watch my dad dance in a drunken stupor to this great music never knowing the imprint it would have on me.
I learned to listen...
The Beatles are an example of the evolution in man expressed in art. From cheesy and naive to deep and mature. I love their music and this piece, I would come to learn...could "explain" me. Yeah, something like that...
"...All day long I'm sitting singing songs for everyone..."
We all have trajectories we set upon. We start our engines, hit the gas and hope to make it to our destination in time. Sometimes though, we are thrown off course by duty. Sometimes though, we see a soul on the side of the road needing our help. We stop and offer them a ride only to find that they not only need a ride...but food and shelter too. Your trip is now on the back-burner.
How many times has this happened? Too many to count. Don't get me wrong, this is not a complaint but an acknowledgement of this truth and maybe, just maybe...there's more to it than just a delay in plans. You see we all have our "office" in this life and if when called upon to officiate we shrink due to personal goals, then it means I am only to willing to expend all currency on myself. I ask you...where is the "eternal" in that?
Some are there to drive her and lay her in a warm bed. Others are there to make the right calls and make sure all forthcoming information is up to date. While others are there to make sure all the loose ends are tied together once the dust settles. Whatever your role in this life, never shrink away from your duty. There is something I must do for someone I care about...I'm just waiting on my cue. While I wait, my goals proceed on slow autopilot. It's just how it is people...
I begin this post with the murmurs of a hospital room. Sullen eyes cracking jokes and nurses not knowing what to do with themselves...
My mother went to the ER last night. She couldn't breathe right while at the same time suffering through heart palpitations. My sister thought it wise to take her to the emergency room. She was right. Turns out, she might have a blood clot leading to her lungs and anyone that knows anything will tell you...that's serious.
I went to see her not only because she is my mother, but because I sought confirmation of something I've known all along...she will not die in a hospital. I arrived to find a feisty, stubborn woman intent on getting to work on Tuesday. She got her nights sleep thanks to Tramadol and to her, that's all she needed to keep going through her impossible life. To convince her to stay involved mind tricks and subtle manipulation. How do you tell a stubborn, tough as nails woman, something she does not want to hear? Shit, it ain't easy lol She sees everything before you do so she has prepared answers for it all.
I'm gonna tell you all something...she is one of my gauges to what happens to my sister, my brother and I. As Matriarch, she has a certain place and I am fully aware of all that means. She will face it all first. What's good, what's bad and all grace. I do not take this lightly. To see her stubbornness was something of a spectacle...but a welcome one at that.
Please pray for both her and my sister...they will need it...
They are both at the end of a very long trial. Their rest is just about due. I pray they will recognize it when it comes...
"...a heart that's made of gold couldn't beat at all..."
I went to Bogota tonight with Millie and Josh. Great food and a nice tasting "Old Fashioned". It was a good night. I sat facing the crowd as is my custom and maybe that was a mistake. My peripherals could notice glances frequently coming my way. I don't know, maybe it was that they never seen some muscle before...I could give a shit. My son confirmed what was happening so no, it wasn't delusions of fucking grander...so my head stayed down. You know why? Because in that moment, I was with my son and a woman I not only love, but have the utmost respect for. I'm not about to sully that by playing the "boy". You know what I'm talking about. The boy that would make all those who glance believe they have a shot at what they admire. That's just bullshit.
Someone had a dream that I had done that and that is not me. If I am with you...I AM with you. Even if it's just for a moment. No one else matters. The sun can entreat me and I will not budge. You can walk away and I will remain yours...no one else's. I have always been this way. My father mentioned it to me once when I was seventeen. We came out of our building and he mentioned the obvious. He said "I notice that when women look at you, you look down", "why do you do that?" I told him the truth..."I would never want a woman to do that to me, to purposefully draw another man's attention...if I would demand that of her, why would I not demand that of myself?". People, it's just about respect. You either have it or you don't. Why men place rules on who they're with that they can't live up to themselves? Whether it's rules you place on each other or not...it's still just a matter of respect. Who I am will not violate this rule I placed upon myself. I cannot understand anything else...
I don't want to because it's all just "boy" shit. Knowing this difference is one the many things that separates the men from the boys...
I'm not "superman". I'm just a man that believes rules are there for a reason. I'm more than just "good"...
