Self-awareness... you either have it or you don't. At one time, it was considered to be one of our most important traits for growth, but due to "fad" psych-pop... it began to place lower on the lexicon scale. It seems the word "narcissist" took its place. An overhyped and misinterpreted word to be sure. I truly believe if there were more self-awareness in this world, there'd be less of a compulsion to use it as something viable. Since many that use it have no idea that they judge themselves every time they do. Now, lest one make the mistake of thinking that I'm somehow triggered by the word, understand that it is the overuse of any wrongfully defined term used to throw people away that I'm staunchly against. That includes the words "racist" and "misogynist"... words that no longer have weight or meaning because they are used to impune the motives of everything and everyone these days. Folks, if everyone's a thing... no one is a thing. So then, what's the difference between the two? The self-aware, look inward to self-correct and grow, while the narcissist looks at their reflection as something beautiful at the expense of others or what needs to internally change. The "experts" today lack nuance, confusing the two. An error that by extension has "chilled" the positive effects of self-awareness. Well... for most, it seems, anyway. I still hold fast to the power of it and always will.
Why bring this up? Well, since I began incorporating the practice of matching energy for energy, I've noticed some have begun treating me differently. Almost like they think my feelings towards them have changed, and I find it interesting. They lack the self-awareness to see that all I've done is place a mirror up where there was none. My feelings for them have remained constant throughout. The only thing that has changed is that I no longer put out what I've put out before without reciprocation or appreciation. For them, it seems to be something to negatively respond to either internally or externally... and it makes no sense at all. It's like sincerely being bothered or upset at someone else's behavior that you have engaged in yourself without ever making the relevant connection. Self-awareness grants me clarity on where I need to apologize and self correct. It makes me a better man... an understanding man. One that knows I cannot dare to ask for something I myself have not been willing or able to give. Too many have tossed this aside and have decided to solely focus on how they've been seemingly slighted... without ever looking at what role they may have played in it themselves.
Ironically, this has further crystalized who will remain in my orbit and vice versa going forward and I'm talkin family, friends and lovers. I've said this many times before but I can feel a change comin. This time, it is one that can not be stopped or delayed as easily as the rest. In times past, when I've declared "change", it was because it was clearly on the horizon but as it was clear to me, it was just as clear to those looking to prevent it for the sake of their control. In this case, their control and their ability to prevent or delay progress has greatly diminished... and I am so ready to proceed onto the next level(s). One day, I may speak clearer on this "change"... or not.
I know what needs doin and in spite of all my trials, I have been ready for what's next for quite some time. I had ideas about who'd be standing with me in the end, but time has moved many out of that steadfast line. For whatever reason, I'm accepting that it shall be how it shall be. Its not an easy thing and its somewhat confusing at times but there's nothing I can see to do or say on my end to remedy it... humans gonna "human." For my part, I've said it before, and I'll say it again: I am and will always be who and what I've always been... an oasis for some and sometimes... something else for others. Much love to you all... I'm out...
~moses apollo
