Sometimes I sit in silence, other times I have to say what's on my mind and heart. How do you not tell the truth to someone you really care about or love? How do you sit and watch them make a mistake without giving at least a word of warning? I'm not built like that. It's difficult at times when I'm approached for advice by the women that have a place in my heart after they have found someone new. The finding someone new part is not what makes it difficult since we developed an understanding from the start. It's the ones that do the approaching that disturb me. While a few are just a wash (harmless, incompatible, not going anywhere) most turn out to be horrible but the thing is, I can see it before it happens. Sometimes... it's even worse than even I could see. I will admit to believing no man will ever be good enough for these women but I've learned to put that aside to remain objective in my assessment. Yet every time I give my assessment, I only hope they don't feel I'm trying to keep them to myself. I just know what I know and sometimes... it really sucks.
I had a talk with one of these beautiful souls today and she told me just how big of a bullet she dodged as she came to find out more about a once prospective suitor we had spoken about... I shuttered inside. Aside from living on the other side of the world (convenient when a cheater has a significant other he wouldn't want his side chick bumping into), this next piece of "news" was the grand-daddy of them all. I didn't let on how bad I thought that could've gone had it continued but it could've been really bad. What's worse? There was no way she could've known this piece of info right away. She had to take her time but emotions came on quickly. Blinding her from vetting any further. It happens all the time folks (yes... me too). Thankfully, it only ended with hurt feelings but it could've gone way worse and she wouldn't have deserved ANY of it. From this what I can say is this:
"Speak the truth in love"
If you see your friend or lover heading down a road that you know will (or even can be) detrimental to them... do your part. Folk want "support" these days but they don't want what they consider "negativity" when the truth is that sometimes real support requires reality. Sometimes... reality doesn't come all sweet and cuddly. If they can't accept this, too f*ckin bad. Say it and move on anyway. Some will get upset but that ain't on you. What IS on you, is your duty to them and when love is true... there can only be truth. Now just to be clear, it doesn't always require a hammer. Tact is important but what is more important is that you grant them a perspective that isn't about coddling... but about keepin it real and maybe even keeping them safe from something your eyes can catch that theirs can't. I am just so very thankful that my Lord has this particular soul in His care. As one in insane demand, she has and will have MANY come and go her way but I will always do my part and I will do the same for all those I house in my heart. I pray you all continue to do the same for your own. I'm out...
I'm always in "search mode" and here are some thoughts (for myself mainly) along the way:
First... quickly for the new folk: I always find it hard to share this stuff because I am usually judged by the narrow minded as being "full of myself" or the other rarely often used term: "narcissistic" lol So where am I supposed to share this? Do I keep this introspection to myself or do I share it with my male confidants alone whose only response is "I wish I had your problems". Nah... I'll do as I please and anyone can judge me as they like. I am conflicted and I am happy to be so. If I wasn't so conflicted, then I'd know I had entered the "I don't give a f*ck asshole mode". So this "open book" will share what he means to. Moving on...
It is now crystalized for me (not sayin why) that my reality as a man is very different than most. Seems I can easily fall into an even worse bout of debauchery than before. Except this time, not as one testing limits but surpassing them with experience. Yet... I choose not to. The choices and options before me are interesting and eclectic... strange and beautiful. Yet with all that, I'd be just like every other mindless drone led on by their libido if I excessively indulged. Not me then... not me now.
Watching how all this unfolds from the inside out has lead me to a truism. If I ever loved or was interested in anyone, it was always because of their "type"... they were the best. Aesthetically sure but even in personality and of mind, but most of all... of heart. There was always a "hook" beyond anything palpable. Something that set them apart. Irrespective of political views, ideology or religion. Hearts and lives that had a story to tell. Something that always made them beautiful to me. From all I had to choose... I always went with greatness. Greatness, that wasn't always apparent to them. Due to this... I have no regrets and it is still so. And here, in this piece I'm still asking... what do I really want?
I recently heard a woman say that "a woman should be a man's peace" and that simple line resonated with my soul in a shocking way. I'd normally use the word "cool" to articulate that kind of peace but I don't think that went far enough. What that means for me exactly is not entirely clear but above all... it should begin with a love that chooses to believe in the man I am at my core no matter what. Mistakes, failures and all. Not too much to ask for but it is apparent to me that we live in an age that questions everything and there is a justification for it except when what is clearly marked "true and real" is lumped in with what is not. I'm just so over having to contend with all that. My internal monolog is getting used to settling things with the question: "you trust me or not? if not... I'm not the man for you"... simple. Is it though? I'm not so sure and that's ok too.
I know in time I'll figure it out. A bit ago I tried dipping my toe into the more conventional way of doing things (meet-ups etc). I figured the climate was ripe to see if I could finally have some questions answered via baby steps but got a tacitly slammed door on the whole endeavor. I suppose that was an answer in itself but it also allowed me to learn even more about what I want and what I will never again accept. I am grateful for that as it allows me to keep growing. We all need a foundation of truth about ourselves that can withstand what is meant to evolve above it all. I know what I know and what I don't know... always comes to me in time. Ups and downs, trials, errors, joys and accomplishments... all part of a life that is meant to either add to our foundations or aid us in our evolution but everything requires truths to build upon. Always remember my beautiful people: "Believe in nothing... fall for anything". I'm out...
"...all this time... I've never known a time like this..."
How do you quantify what is truly in a person's soul? It takes a listening ear, a watchful, mindful, understanding eye... and time. No matter how stoic or stuck to a script they are, folk will always reveal themselves. Most often, the same is done to me and I wouldn't have it any other way (except when its done with a spirit of incredulity). With me, most will find that "what you see is what you get". As it turns out, after so many disappointments and fakes... most people just can't handle that. As I've said many times before, I've found that folk would rather the liar. They are much easier to run playbooks on. You have volumes of information on what to do with them but on the men of honor? Not much if anything at all. You'd say "no, those are the ones you marry... you stop looking after that". That makes a lot of sense yeah? Yet what if you meet an oddity? One of these that chose a free life because he's been down the married road already but chooses to live an honorable life within that freedom? An anomaly yes? Oh yes...
I truly despise how "free men" are represented these days but I can't do anything about that. I can only allow my character and transparency to speak for itself. I make no bones about it. I LOVE beautiful things. Works of quality art that speak to both the eyes of my body and soul and you will watch as I openly seek to know them all. Yet unlike the cads that run wild today... without looking to "own" a thing. I'm looking to "admire", to "appreciate" and if allowed... to love what speaks to me even deeper. Not with the kind of love that is boxed up nicely with a bow. Instead... with a love that exists outside of anything anyone can easily reproduce that can meet any design God created. Understanding it will never be perfect... but at least "knowing"... it will always be real.
Why bring this all up now? Because I was met with another one of those dreams last night and it has me a bit messed up. Don't know what to think about it anymore but for me, as of a bit ago... it was just a dream. A sweet-like dream... but a dream nonetheless. In the very same context, my friends would say that "I'm back" but ever since my heart situation, I'm finding I'm treading lighter than usual... more judicious. I alone can tell the subtle differences. Even with this more feral passion, I'm being careful as to what I decide to take on. No longer as quick to jump in as I was before but to my sweet and grateful surprise... the waters are most definitely fine...
Now, to all my new readers. I have no idea where you all came from or what makes me such a fascinating read (seriously, this is not false humility lol) but thank you and welcome. My previous post was going to be my last for awhile but since there is such an interest, I will continue to write as honestly and organically as I can. As you all can now see... I'm a coat of many colors and that seems to work just fine for me. I won't promise I'll try to be more interesting or try to please anyone (never have on here) but I will continue writing what's on my heart. Maybe not everyday... but as often as I can. Stay blessed... I'm out
"I'm not the type to say I told you so... seems the hardest part of holdin on is lettin it go. When will we sing... a new song..."
He enters stage left, approaching the mic stand on a sticky floor. He clears his throat, and begins to speak into the microphone... eyes fixed on page. It's a poets den... a dive of ill repute, loosies and watered down drinks:
"To see so many and think of one. To touch so few but in profound ways. To examine and live a life of honor and duty for the sake of those you've never met. It all requires a kind of "thing" you dig? A sincere notion that a man should never raise his hand against his lover or ever use the word "bitch" to describe her. That he should never cum before she does... and that he should tell her that he loves her at least once a day. That if there should be need of memories... they'd serve to tell a mostly fond tale of a man that may not have been perfect... but loved well. And that all this should not be done just to "have" her but that it should be based on who he is as a man... in his soul. In short... that he should be sincerely different from everyone he's ever encountered... or anyone... she's ever known. Not to be "unique" for the sake of it... but because his innermost secret heart should lead him so...
Because sometimes... the hamster don't wheel baby..."
At the backdrop of snappin fingers, he folds up his one sheet and slips it into the inside pocket of his leather jacket... cool struttin away from the mic stand. He exits stage right. It's a poets den... a dive of ill repute, loosies and watered down drinks. It ain't exactly "him" but like most places... it somehow feels like "home"...
I have someone in my life that has visions of my differing iterations from time to time. She's seen me in ways most of you all wouldn't know what to do with... but she could take it. Besides, it's better to only have to explain it to less than a handful than more than a few. This time she saw something different... she simply saw me on the ground as she picked me up. Why was this different? Because I'm usually the one doing the "picking up"...
I suddenly felt a warmth at the hearing of it. Eyes even welled up a bit. As though it was something I didn't know I needed to hear. In that moment... my sister picked me up.
Folks, you may have people in your life you know are strong. You know they have need for very little. You know they can always be turned to. You know they will be calling you back. Please don't take that for granted. Please don't forget that they are just as human as you are and although they may seem to not need encouragement... they will welcome it in ways that you may never fully comprehend. That call lasted all but 3 minutes but it's effective "charge" is good for about 3 years. Remember the strong... they weren't always so. I'm out...
I hear whispers that once blew in the wind turning into full on voices with clarity. Where the swings begin to settle... granting true independence a date set in stone. Where gun blasts into the sky demonstrate the celebration of freedom and prosperity finally come. Where I can sit and sigh in release. All the while knowing... when one challenge ends, another begins. October should prove interesting... on both a global and personal stage... interesting ;-)
"embrace me when you want... kiss me when you want..."
It is a beautiful thing to be loved...
To see someone swoon at the opening of your heart. To know they are grateful for your existence in their lives. To know that the tickle you feel in your belly at the thought of them is shared when they think of you too. Oh to feel the embrace of an "I'm so glad you're in my arms" and to be blessed to recriprocate a kiss that can go on forever in the expanse of a moment. And then... to also know that the pain of missing you has them wondering if it's worth it all, only to conclude... that it is. The good, the bad and the grand... the complex splendor of it all. Beyond the pains of the day and the wallows of night.
The day may come when you find yourself surrounded by folks that admire you or even want you for one reason or another. You don't exactly see what they see in you because the truth is, you didn't try to put on a show or try to be anything more than a better you. At first, you may decide to hide, but after some time, you realize that there's nothing you can do about how others perceive you. Good or bad... you are what you are and you refuse to downplay all that you are for the sake of appeasement or comfort. You decide to take what you are to do what you can with it. You can take the worst of yourself and go the selfish route or decide on the better route... to do what you can to help like-hearted others along their way.
You take the good with the bad of it. A process that will have you experiencing the spectrum of humanity. From appreciation to disdain you receive it all and stay on mission. Even when slapped in the face, you persist because you know that what was given to you didn't come cheap so who the f*ck are you to complain. You are not exactly a sinner and you're not exactly a saint... you're just the "you" that sought the better of all you could become inside. No better or worse than anyone else. Just further along in the journey everyone has the ability to travail. You could walk ahead alone or take as many as would come with you. At first you look back and see many follow but as the years go by and the times change... only a few. You endeavor to keep going into undiscovered countries and places everyone warned you about. You press on. Every once and a while you find an oasis in your desert. At first, you meet those that were ahead of ahead of you that have decided they've gone far enough. Sometimes you inspire them to press on but most times... you press on alone. Until you come upon an empty oasis. An island you can claim as your own. It is here that you find rest...
In your downtime, you leave long notes, songs or poetry about your travels, loves and experiences so that any new travelers that come by can learn or relate from all you've come through. To encourage them on the press. To let them know... there's another island just up ahead... "come find me when you're ready." Other times, you don a purposed mask and head back a few miles. The mask you wear can be akin to the rich woman that decided to keep her public assistance to hide what she truly has or it can mirror the fitness enthusiast that no longer posts pictures of his physique to keep folks guessing as to whether or not "he fell off." A mask that helps reveal the truest intent of those that followed you. Each time coming back to the oasis a little more disheartened by what you see... but you press on. Understanding that the farther you go... the more alone you will be.
At this point you may feel the weight of loneliness slowing you down or leading you into disastrous distractions but you know and are reminded of something. That most of those you truly ever touched or loved at one time or another, whether it be physically, mentally or spiritually, are just a whisper away from finding you. From travailing along a similar path tailored to them. Knowing that some things can never be broken. Knowing that you carry the hearts of unbridled passion, tales and understanding that most could only dream of carrying. Knowing that no matter how you look at it... you are blessed.
As I've come to learn of the road along the way... one thing is undeniably true: This road is not just for special folk. It's not for some "elite" kind nor is it solely for the innately gifted. It is for every human being with the desire to travail it. Yes... that means you too. We ALL start walking it when we are born but too many these days have been distracted by what is now called "life" that they've just stopped at one oasis and called it "home"... something it was never meant to be. At the edge of the line of your existence, there is a place... a new oasis unlike the rest. With all the needed bells, whistles and timeless voices needed to proceed in growth with less effort or solitude. If I should ever reach this place without you... "come find me when you're ready". Time to press on... I'm out...
