The Hope & The Dream...

"I dream of rain...I dream of gardens in the desert sand

I wake in vain...I dream of love as time runs through my hand

I dream of fire...those dreams are tied to a horse that will never tire

And in the flames...her shadows play in the shape of a man's desire..."

the dream is that thing you've envisioned in your heart that has either been a peace or a solution to a problem you've wrestled with a long time. it's a passionate desire, a want that always seems out of reach due to circumstances or just bad timing. you come to the place to receive it...and for whatever reason, it's just not ready to receive you yet. like two ships that pass each in the night's fog. you can hear it and see it slightly...but the tides won't allow it yet. there are even moments where it's just an inch away. so close that you plan your life around it...only to lose it again. at every one of these instances, your resolve for it weakens from the heaviness of frustration. a frustration you decide is too heavy to endure. so you decide to force yourself want it less for the sake of your own sanity and begin to believe that maybe it was something you dreamt up or imagined. as such, you come to reconcile your mind to not wanting it all & every hint at it's final acquisition is now met with scoff or even self sabotage. all to relieve yourself of any more disappointment.

i once felt this way...no more. i have a decades long dream that came & left me more times most humans could bear but i learned over time that the frustration of not having a thing has very little to do with that particular thing's journey. either it wasn't ready for me...or i wasn't ready for it but it was to be mine none the less. i've jumped the gun on many things in my life only to have them come to ruin. they were hard lessons to learn but needful to say the least. so now i handle my dreams with care. i house them in my hearts pocket & blow on their embers from time to time lest their flame should ever wane. i allow myself the joy of getting close even if they don't come to fruition lest their sweetness turn sour. my dreams will come and as i hold fast to them, i train my soul in hope...that hope should never be a burden but something that is worthy to endure. when the time comes...i can say i never gave up. even if i should leave this earth with them unfulfilled...i can say that i never gave up...and that my heart remained full. i will always be the one that will tell you "keep looking for it" even after everyone else has said "give up". I may change my posture towards people but i will never stop believing in what i know to be true about them and no...i will never give up on love. it is the driving force of every dream i've ever had and will ever have.

Noah built an ark on a promise that took him decades to build. he was a well respected man whose word was sure yet after some time, his belief cost him his standing...even among those closest to him. promised rain was his claim after a century of drought and when the ark was ready...the rain became ready for it. yeah...i feel a few drops comin on...i'm out... 

~moses apollo

The Why - A Word by Moe

to embrace purpose on past its' power

to digest every grain poured out in nuance

to articulate every newly formed wrinkle in time

to hunger on past it's pain has subsided

to feel her sped up heartbeat from miles away

to experience the warmth of her smile as an eternal embrace

and yes...to share the gift of being able to touch every inch of her through the passion expressed in verse alone...

for healing...for strength...and for love...

this...is the "why"...

~moses apollo

What It's Like - A Word By Moe

"we've got our own grave with both names, it's do or die

i can't hear you but I can feel you, you're by my side

to feel the time move the hues that paint you, you can't hide

we've got our own grave with both names, it's you and I..."

light sweat on my skin...a slightly unbearable heat. no breeze to ease it...no choice but to surrender to it in stillness & silence. both taking me to a singular thought...what it's really like.

after you've eliminated all that could pull your attention away from being completely present, there is only one thing left...the moment. a moment that is meant to be defined by all it could be...all it should be. your mind switches off & in that moment, there's no thought, no plan, no steps to take. no questioning of technique or form. your hands take you to where your passion leads. telling you what you want to taste, bite or touch. surrendered, effortlessly rhythmic...bodies flowing by feeling alone. in that moment...you just want to "feel". to take flight upon this newfound synergistic, symbiotic wind...unafraid & bold. letting it take us to places we had no idea existed outside this coupling. where climax happens from the experience alone...never feeling so free or safe. a new place that becomes our own. none else will ever see it...none else will ever know it...exclusive to us alone...

this...is what it's like...

~moses apollo 

As The Hours Pass...

"As the hours pass, I will let you know that I need to ask

Before I'm alone, how it feels to rest on your patient lips

to eternal bliss...I'm so glad to know"

dreams, news...and manifest glory drippin like wax onto my heart replacing scars left behind by all i've been experiencing with newer, stronger flesh. leaving me...changed. noticing the priority in what sees me for all i am. for what truly sees me...has access to me but more than just "me"...my heart. a heart that is rightfully more protected now, taking way more than a nice set of keys to get to. such a thing for me is a monumental feat that i would not have voluntarily chosen for myself but one life had to carve into me. one epoch is now almost over...making way for the other to begin. the uncertainty of what that will look like is unreal but i trust in the One that has never left my side. the One that has brought me and mine this far. that when others went tested to fail...My Lord was with me every step of the way. i will confess to having never felt so alone...but i was never lonely and i know for certain that i never will be. i "saw" many things happening but i never saw this and i guess it's a good thing that someone like me can still be surprised.

i faced the shadow of death, the letdown of disappointment, the pains and confusion of treachery, a crippling grief from darkness in doubt and still none has left a mark on me that cannot be mended or healed. the evolution we go through is in the mending, in the forgiveness, in the resolve and in the idea that when "you're going through hell...you keep going" until you come out stronger on the other side. all things that solidified a perspective that shields me while maintaining an ever increasing passion for all things "beautiful". i am not less...but now more. the only caveat i see: i now expect all the more i am becoming from others and in truth, maybe i shouldn't as everyone is different. yes, i'll wrestle with this as i never settle for "iffy" when it comes to my character etc. the mindset changes, compartmentalizing more to be able to accept less and in that compartmentalization...passion and love can be severed into pieces if left unchecked. where it once flourished on the whole...it now exists in degrees towards "pieces" when certain things happen and when that is the case...i feel "less" intensity. feels involuntary to tell you the truth. it could be that this is what makes room for the fullness in the whole that meets me where i am but i'm just not sure if this is healthy or not yet. maybe this is a temporary coping mechanism or it's a way to protect what i see as my worth. in either case...it's what it is at the time of this writing. i feel like a surgeon looking through my own MRI. most good...some bad but alright nonetheless and i thank God for it. now i will pose the most important question of this piece: if i could go through all i've been through and come through better...why can't you? i, for one...believe you can...

i'm out...

~moses apollo   

Rant Of "The Real"...

"I see the games you play & the traps you lay

Not fit to fall in but I let you play them anyway..."

join the niche but look from the outside in...what would you see? you'd see a bunch of people pretending to be what they are not...nor could ever be. i am so sick of reading posts about how much cum so-and-so can take & how horny so-and-so is on a 24 hr basis. tired of reading about what "Mr White Knight" would do in this situation or that. it's a fantasy world where people say & do (in their minds) without consequence as it's all said & done behind a screen. as for those that speak extreme to fit in & choose to finally "act out" the fantasy? these are the ones that fall into the delusion they've created for themselves...a delusion most have been shamed into coddling through what passes for "acceptance" these days. i'm sick of it all. what do you think would happen if we all of sudden lost power & had to communicate face to face? we'd wind up meeting socially awkward people at least once a day. the "horny" would all of a sudden be revealed to have crippling insecurities. the "soft", "sensitive" men would reveal the creepy, cringe side you were never meant to see. the "tough" man would be revealed to only be tough on his woman & those weaker than him.

i speak in frustration as a man that has lived out & through most of what these cosplayers pretend to be living out now. some of it is funny but most of it is sad & pathetic. they glorify what in the real world could normally drag one down into despair & lunacy. folk speak willy nilly on the spiritual things as though it were some sort of D&D board game. all I ever have to do is speak on some of my weakest spiritual experiences & they would lock up in fear. folk speak willy nilly on sex...the truth of my experiences wind up intimidating some when they find out i'm not full of sh*t. lest people start rollin their eyes thinkin i'm full of myself: it's not that i'm so "great"...it's simply that i've stayed true to the art of deep intimacy. something that has been replaced by surfaced "f*cking" & porn speak. why? because it's so basic & easy...& there's very little chance of falling in love by the act alone (secret: folk fear this now). 

now, tune in to be the "ear" of understanding for someone for a bit & watch how they try turning that into a chance for more. to "take" & take some more until the orgasm says "ok we're done here...we can now be who we really are". i can tell you that when i wrote this just now, i perceived someone reading this is going through just that but hasn't seen the extent of it yet. for you: DO NOT confuse your "caring" & "affection" for "true love". you may "have love for em" but don't make the mistake of believing that's full on "romantic love". there's a difference...don't let them cloud the distinction. agendas, delusions, masks & cowardice have become the standard...& i hate it all. 

so who am i talkin to? i'm talkin to those of you that while reading this have nodded your head &/or raised your eyebrows at least once...take this to heart. the idea is to take who you are & diminish you until you begin to feel the pull to conform...to lay waste to the truth of all you are & become another willing participant of the weak & controlled. to become another caricatured NPC (non-playing character) without a name. to surround you with claims that "you cannot exist in our world" but i say to you it is THEM that cannot exist in OURS. cultivate & grow in your name. seek out what is real & pure & watch out for what is in your world. never fear them but once identified, keep them in the category of the dismissed. why? anyone that will pretend to be someone or something they're not doesn't really exist anyway you dig? i treat them as such...rant done. i'm out...

~moses apollo

PS:

storge, phillia, agape, eros

learn the difference between the 4 & never allow anyone to confuse (or trick you) you into believing everything is "eros". nuance is king...

A Quiet Life...

Maybe this time

Maybe this time I’ll outwit my past

I’ll throw away the numbers, the keys

And all the cards

Maybe I can carve out a living in the cold

At the outskirts of some city

I extinguish all my recent pasts

Become another man again

And have a quiet life

A quiet life for me

A quiet life

A quiet life for me

A quiet life for someone

And a quiet life for me

I lost, I ran

I started once anew

In northern grey, in drizzling rain

In salted slush and bitter hale

But the order as always merciless

It wants to see me fail

So the hunter is now the hunted

Past voices call my name

I renounce my past to live again

A quiet life

A quiet life

A quiet life for me

A quiet life for someone

And a quiet life for me

I thought I have been given

Another chance again

But heaven lies as usual

I repented but in vain

It tries to cheat me out of my good aim

Take away what I never really got

My quiet life

No quiet life for me

No quiet life

No quiet life for me

A quiet life for someone

No quiet life for me

I already knew this...bring it ;-)

My "Way" - Prelude To "Something"...

love recklessly with hope in hand, retain boundaries birthed by experiential wisdom & stick to your tailor-made pace. add no new fad nor allow the zeitgeist to dictate your heart's desire

forgive & show mercy, understand them using the awareness of your own humanity but always retain the knowledge of what they are capable of. stay mindful & use caution as to where they now place

acknowledge your mistakes but never wallow in them. accept consequence with honor & pay what is due as best you can but never allow guilt or shame to weigh down your soul to the point of stagnation or fear that freezes & begins to predicate your every move. press on with all you know you're capable of & self -correct. you cannot change what happened in the past. let it only serve as a lesson for the future & let NO ONE use it against you...especially your own mind

be bold in all areas of growth, discomfort is key to evolution. there is discomfort in failure

be prepared to let go, (or if called, to loosely wait) after you've done all you can towards a goal with no success "in sight". whether in love or life...carry no weight that no longer needs or wants to be carried  

demand for nothing as you are owed nothing in this life. do good deeds or good work for the sake of it...not to be seen or heard for applause or praise. do not expect reciprocation & do nothing to provoke it. after some time...you'll know when you've overstayed your welcome

endeavor to protect and/or inspire beauty that is close to the edge of extinction. never seek to abuse it, possess it or in any way damage what makes it beautiful. never take it for granted. it is found in nature & behind the eyes of a beautiful soul. be mindful of these as they are now rare

avoid violence when you can. be prepared for physical confrontation but its always best to use your wits. doing so on the violent nature is like throwing children's toys to a Neanderthal. they are calmed by the spectacle of the unknown. learn to put aside ego...the driving force behind the worst of our base nature

contend only with those that are willing to listen &/or engage with honor. you don't want to expend energy on a game of tug of war that only ends with a muddy opponent. win...by losing. let go of the damn rope. walk away knowing that watching paint dry has more value

the confident are convinced within themselves they have nothing to prove. the cocky are constantly looking for surface validation to assuage their insecurities. the confident man is the quiet man...he is the man with the power...the man with unspoken presence. the cocky and the arrogant seek out the attention of others to try to claim the semblance of power 

woman, only submit to a man that has demonstrated his willingness to die for you. man, if she is a good woman, love her more than you love yourself as this is YOUR form of submission. learn the intimate art of worth-ship and relish in her glory spirit, soul & body. learn her body & show her all that means...piece by piece. as you listen to her soul...so listen to her body. woman, if he is a good man, love, honor and respect him as he deserves to be loved, honored and respected. learn his language and show him your desire of him. stay honest and transparent with each other as there is safety in this. when all is said and done...love is sacrifice 

keep all things in their purist form as best you can. to be pure is not something holy or out of this world. it means to display all intention as is. to stay true to it. "keeping it real" as best you can means "the truest why" will always remain transparent for all or the one to whom it matters most...to see 

lead with love. love first & love in ways no one else can because it comes from you alone. love in ways that are exclusive to the person you choose to love...even if it means you need to let them go someday. until that day, if it should ever come...just love

always pursue what has meaning...seek the divine

~moses apollo apolinaris

been lookin to do this for awhile. in time...i pray to expand on this list & turn it into something more

Affection Redux...

 

"it's affection always,

you're gonna see it someday

my attention for you

even if it's not what you need"

Went to the doctors office with someone so she could get an MRI scan...typical stuff. I saw she was nervous so I began to caress her hair. Like I said...typical stuff right? Well...the Russian technician that was doing the IV stopped, looked up at me and said "thank you...really, thank you for that". I'm really perplexed and I look at the person I was with and she looks just as perplexed at this woman's reaction. The lady said "in all my years doing this, it's actually the first time I've seen anyone do that. You almost got me to cry...". I was literally in shock. It just couldn't be. In my household when I was married...this was standard. Not for points but because we believed that this is what you do for the people you cared about. You make them feel "good"...acknowledged and loved. Not just when they're in need of it...but even in those inspired "just because" moments. To hear this woman say that made me think back at the times I had with women and they had all mentioned that I was affectionate like it was something they weren't used to. Like it was something worthy of surprise. I could see this distinction being mentioned at an impromptu kiss or hug but a caress to the hair? Really?

So why the need to mention this? I'm asking yet again...what the f*ck is goin on out here?!? Has everyone decided to "love" on utilitarian terms alone? Is everyone just a f*ck buddy with no heart now? Are her feelings now just for her therapist or is it a situation where "we can't get too close now...God forbid she catches feelings!!!" Listen to me please...if you sharin fluids with someone either emotionally, spiritually or physically...show it. Men, don't be afraid of the labels the merchants peddling shame want to throw at you. I know this is an "issue" these days. Check this, I heard sending someone love letters etc is now considered a negative called "love bombing". That it's a strategy?!? A manipulation tactic?!? Yeah f*ck that looky here now...imma tell you that "I love you" and mean it. Imma send you songs I've thought through and imma write with you in mind and heart. If you think that's "love bombing" then let me know and I'll just stop...all of it. Get it? I am leaning more to the belief that this is the point. Has it dawned on anyone yet that everything a "gentleman" once did for a lady seems to now be deemed suspect? Interesting huh? Well I feel a teachable moment comin on. Allow me to show you how the current zeitgeist works: 

Men, you have one male "influencer" tell you "don't be a simp!!" You simplistically translate that as "treat her like sh*t until she crawls". You then you hear a female "influencer" say "too much affection is a red flag!!". You simplistically translate that as "we REALLY want to be treated like sh*t until we crawl". That loop will play on youtube in different iterations until you think you just learned the secret to getting and keeping a woman..."treat her like sh*t...until she crawls". Women...it's the same thing for you. You get the "red flag checklist" and it becomes your bible. Every new "influencer" adds something new that blows your narrow mind. Not ever noticing a simple fact: that EVERYONE is guilty of doing EVERYTHING on the damn checklist...including YOU!!! LOL Now back when I was comin up...we had talk shows promote pseudo-psychology. Well...it stuck like gum at the bottom of our shoes contributing to the moral decay of our society. This generation has "the influencer"...these stick more like a bacon strip on underwear. Both had the ability to do good but when what's good and real stopped leadin in the ratings (or likes)...it usually meant the sensational and outrageous had just started bleedin. 

So I ask anyone that believes in any of this junk to remove their head out their ass for five minutes and consider that maybe...just MAYBE, labeling everything a man does for a woman as a negative will deter most men from doing anything at all. Making the destruction of the "fulfilled relationship" a foregone conclusion which in turn leads to the destruction of a potential family. Stop listening to TikTockers/Youtubers. Understand that their appeal rests on the idea that if you heed their advice..."you won't get hurt" and I get it. I've always advocated the back to basics approach. Just take your time. Judge by word & deed yes but keep intent as the qualifier and throw out the one size fits all checklists. You'll be surprised to find that sincere humans are actually nuanced in both word and deed. No matter what you've gone through, don't be afraid to love. Stay hip and wise. Protect your heart through experience, discernment and the wisdom they provide but don't ever shut off all that "real" love flows out of and flows into...including affection. I'm out my beautiful people...

~moses

The Lover's Crime - A Word by Moe

"your soft, my hard...this pleasurin stuff's my callin card..."

my hookah smoke rises on past the moon at the tune of whiskey blues riffin sex... 

it's a cool night and somethin's on your mind. an impulse session good n fine for heartset souls designed to shine. my hands glidin on soft skin you think imperfect, only perfectly tenderized by life. bare and sweet-like on my own cryin out a tender moan only I can hear. eyes on fingertips as they glide through every valley and ridge fatefully placed to grace this sighted fool. it's in my "cool" to see it all with eyes wide closed. in, out...teasin up and down. not too hard, soft grazin on your lickable crown. slick like oil and sweat combined until the uncontrollable writhe finds the rhythm in our groove...inspirin your move...to spill. 

just this once...then everytime. blood fiendin for..."the lovers crime"...

~apollo 

Come Stars Align - A Poem by Moe

"the hardest part is when you're in it..."

i catch my breath 

to tease the whole

from unknown depths

of hungers' soul

my reach is far

my tongue, a flame

out there a star

still mine to claim

so hunger come

and fill my breath

till I am numb

to your own death

so she can rest

her heart on mine

and find me blessed

...come stars align

~moses