Rant Of "The Real"...

"I see the games you play & the traps you lay

Not fit to fall in but I let you play them anyway..."

join the niche but look from the outside in...what would you see? you'd see a bunch of people pretending to be what they are not...nor could ever be. i am so sick of reading posts about how much cum so-and-so can take & how horny so-and-so is on a 24 hr basis. tired of reading about what "Mr White Knight" would do in this situation or that. it's a fantasy world where people say & do (in their minds) without consequence as it's all said & done behind a screen. as for those that speak extreme to fit in & choose to finally "act out" the fantasy? these are the ones that fall into the delusion they've created for themselves...a delusion most have been shamed into coddling through what passes for "acceptance" these days. i'm sick of it all. what do you think would happen if we all of sudden lost power & had to communicate face to face? we'd wind up meeting socially awkward people at least once a day. the "horny" would all of a sudden be revealed to have crippling insecurities. the "soft", "sensitive" men would reveal the creepy, cringe side you were never meant to see. the "tough" man would be revealed to only be tough on his woman & those weaker than him.

i speak in frustration as a man that has lived out & through most of what these cosplayers pretend to be living out now. some of it is funny but most of it is sad & pathetic. they glorify what in the real world could normally drag one down into despair & lunacy. folk speak willy nilly on the spiritual things as though it were some sort of D&D board game. all I ever have to do is speak on some of my weakest spiritual experiences & they would lock up in fear. folk speak willy nilly on sex...the truth of my experiences wind up intimidating some when they find out i'm not full of sh*t. lest people start rollin their eyes thinkin i'm full of myself: it's not that i'm so "great"...it's simply that i've stayed true to the art of deep intimacy. something that has been replaced by surfaced "f*cking" & porn speak. why? because it's so basic & easy...& there's very little chance of falling in love by the act alone (secret: folk fear this now). 

now, tune in to be the "ear" of understanding for someone for a bit & watch how they try turning that into a chance for more. to "take" & take some more until the orgasm says "ok we're done here...we can now be who we really are". i can tell you that when i wrote this just now, i perceived someone reading this is going through just that but hasn't seen the extent of it yet. for you: DO NOT confuse your "caring" & "affection" for "true love". you may "have love for em" but don't make the mistake of believing that's full on "romantic love". there's a difference...don't let them cloud the distinction. agendas, delusions, masks & cowardice have become the standard...& i hate it all. 

so who am i talkin to? i'm talkin to those of you that while reading this have nodded your head &/or raised your eyebrows at least once...take this to heart. the idea is to take who you are & diminish you until you begin to feel the pull to conform...to lay waste to the truth of all you are & become another willing participant of the weak & controlled. to become another caricatured NPC (non-playing character) without a name. to surround you with claims that "you cannot exist in our world" but i say to you it is THEM that cannot exist in OURS. cultivate & grow in your name. seek out what is real & pure & watch out for what is in your world. never fear them but once identified, keep them in the category of the dismissed. why? anyone that will pretend to be someone or something they're not doesn't really exist anyway you dig? i treat them as such...rant done. i'm out...

~moses apollo

PS:

storge, phillia, agape, eros

learn the difference between the 4 & never allow anyone to confuse (or trick you) you into believing everything is "eros". nuance is king...

A Quiet Life...

Maybe this time

Maybe this time I’ll outwit my past

I’ll throw away the numbers, the keys

And all the cards

Maybe I can carve out a living in the cold

At the outskirts of some city

I extinguish all my recent pasts

Become another man again

And have a quiet life

A quiet life for me

A quiet life

A quiet life for me

A quiet life for someone

And a quiet life for me

I lost, I ran

I started once anew

In northern grey, in drizzling rain

In salted slush and bitter hale

But the order as always merciless

It wants to see me fail

So the hunter is now the hunted

Past voices call my name

I renounce my past to live again

A quiet life

A quiet life

A quiet life for me

A quiet life for someone

And a quiet life for me

I thought I have been given

Another chance again

But heaven lies as usual

I repented but in vain

It tries to cheat me out of my good aim

Take away what I never really got

My quiet life

No quiet life for me

No quiet life

No quiet life for me

A quiet life for someone

No quiet life for me

I already knew this...bring it ;-)

My "Way" - Prelude To "Something"...

love recklessly with hope in hand, retain boundaries birthed by experiential wisdom & stick to your tailor-made pace. add no new fad nor allow the zeitgeist to dictate your heart's desire

forgive & show mercy, understand them using the awareness of your own humanity but always retain the knowledge of what they are capable of. stay mindful & use caution as to where they now place

acknowledge your mistakes but never wallow in them. accept consequence with honor & pay what is due as best you can but never allow guilt or shame to weigh down your soul to the point of stagnation or fear that freezes & begins to predicate your every move. press on with all you know you're capable of & self -correct. you cannot change what happened in the past. let it only serve as a lesson for the future & let NO ONE use it against you...especially your own mind

be bold in all areas of growth, discomfort is key to evolution. there is discomfort in failure

be prepared to let go, (or if called, to loosely wait) after you've done all you can towards a goal with no success "in sight". whether in love or life...carry no weight that no longer needs or wants to be carried  

demand for nothing as you are owed nothing in this life. do good deeds or good work for the sake of it...not to be seen or heard for applause or praise. do not expect reciprocation & do nothing to provoke it. after some time...you'll know when you've overstayed your welcome

endeavor to protect and/or inspire beauty that is close to the edge of extinction. never seek to abuse it, possess it or in any way damage what makes it beautiful. never take it for granted. it is found in nature & behind the eyes of a beautiful soul. be mindful of these as they are now rare

avoid violence when you can. be prepared for physical confrontation but its always best to use your wits. doing so on the violent nature is like throwing children's toys to a Neanderthal. they are calmed by the spectacle of the unknown. learn to put aside ego...the driving force behind the worst of our base nature

contend only with those that are willing to listen &/or engage with honor. you don't want to expend energy on a game of tug of war that only ends with a muddy opponent. win...by losing. let go of the damn rope. walk away knowing that watching paint dry has more value

the confident are convinced within themselves they have nothing to prove. the cocky are constantly looking for surface validation to assuage their insecurities. the confident man is the quiet man...he is the man with the power...the man with unspoken presence. the cocky and the arrogant seek out the attention of others to try to claim the semblance of power 

woman, only submit to a man that has demonstrated his willingness to die for you. man, if she is a good woman, love her more than you love yourself as this is YOUR form of submission. learn the intimate art of worth-ship and relish in her glory spirit, soul & body. learn her body & show her all that means...piece by piece. as you listen to her soul...so listen to her body. woman, if he is a good man, love, honor and respect him as he deserves to be loved, honored and respected. learn his language and show him your desire of him. stay honest and transparent with each other as there is safety in this. when all is said and done...love is sacrifice 

keep all things in their purist form as best you can. to be pure is not something holy or out of this world. it means to display all intention as is. to stay true to it. "keeping it real" as best you can means "the truest why" will always remain transparent for all or the one to whom it matters most...to see 

lead with love. love first & love in ways no one else can because it comes from you alone. love in ways that are exclusive to the person you choose to love...even if it means you need to let them go someday. until that day, if it should ever come...just love

always pursue what has meaning...seek the divine

~moses apollo apolinaris

been lookin to do this for awhile. in time...i pray to expand on this list & turn it into something more

Affection Redux...

 

"it's affection always,

you're gonna see it someday

my attention for you

even if it's not what you need"

Went to the doctors office with someone so she could get an MRI scan...typical stuff. I saw she was nervous so I began to caress her hair. Like I said...typical stuff right? Well...the Russian technician that was doing the IV stopped, looked up at me and said "thank you...really, thank you for that". I'm really perplexed and I look at the person I was with and she looks just as perplexed at this woman's reaction. The lady said "in all my years doing this, it's actually the first time I've seen anyone do that. You almost got me to cry...". I was literally in shock. It just couldn't be. In my household when I was married...this was standard. Not for points but because we believed that this is what you do for the people you cared about. You make them feel "good"...acknowledged and loved. Not just when they're in need of it...but even in those inspired "just because" moments. To hear this woman say that made me think back at the times I had with women and they had all mentioned that I was affectionate like it was something they weren't used to. Like it was something worthy of surprise. I could see this distinction being mentioned at an impromptu kiss or hug but a caress to the hair? Really?

So why the need to mention this? I'm asking yet again...what the f*ck is goin on out here?!? Has everyone decided to "love" on utilitarian terms alone? Is everyone just a f*ck buddy with no heart now? Are her feelings now just for her therapist or is it a situation where "we can't get too close now...God forbid she catches feelings!!!" Listen to me please...if you sharin fluids with someone either emotionally, spiritually or physically...show it. Men, don't be afraid of the labels the merchants peddling shame want to throw at you. I know this is an "issue" these days. Check this, I heard sending someone love letters etc is now considered a negative called "love bombing". That it's a strategy?!? A manipulation tactic?!? Yeah f*ck that looky here now...imma tell you that "I love you" and mean it. Imma send you songs I've thought through and imma write with you in mind and heart. If you think that's "love bombing" then let me know and I'll just stop...all of it. Get it? I am leaning more to the belief that this is the point. Has it dawned on anyone yet that everything a "gentleman" once did for a lady seems to now be deemed suspect? Interesting huh? Well I feel a teachable moment comin on. Allow me to show you how the current zeitgeist works: 

Men, you have one male "influencer" tell you "don't be a simp!!" You simplistically translate that as "treat her like sh*t until she crawls". You then you hear a female "influencer" say "too much affection is a red flag!!". You simplistically translate that as "we REALLY want to be treated like sh*t until we crawl". That loop will play on youtube in different iterations until you think you just learned the secret to getting and keeping a woman..."treat her like sh*t...until she crawls". Women...it's the same thing for you. You get the "red flag checklist" and it becomes your bible. Every new "influencer" adds something new that blows your narrow mind. Not ever noticing a simple fact: that EVERYONE is guilty of doing EVERYTHING on the damn checklist...including YOU!!! LOL Now back when I was comin up...we had talk shows promote pseudo-psychology. Well...it stuck like gum at the bottom of our shoes contributing to the moral decay of our society. This generation has "the influencer"...these stick more like a bacon strip on underwear. Both had the ability to do good but when what's good and real stopped leadin in the ratings (or likes)...it usually meant the sensational and outrageous had just started bleedin. 

So I ask anyone that believes in any of this junk to remove their head out their ass for five minutes and consider that maybe...just MAYBE, labeling everything a man does for a woman as a negative will deter most men from doing anything at all. Making the destruction of the "fulfilled relationship" a foregone conclusion which in turn leads to the destruction of a potential family. Stop listening to TikTockers/Youtubers. Understand that their appeal rests on the idea that if you heed their advice..."you won't get hurt" and I get it. I've always advocated the back to basics approach. Just take your time. Judge by word & deed yes but keep intent as the qualifier and throw out the one size fits all checklists. You'll be surprised to find that sincere humans are actually nuanced in both word and deed. No matter what you've gone through, don't be afraid to love. Stay hip and wise. Protect your heart through experience, discernment and the wisdom they provide but don't ever shut off all that "real" love flows out of and flows into...including affection. I'm out my beautiful people...

~moses

The Lover's Crime - A Word by Moe

"your soft, my hard...this pleasurin stuff's my callin card..."

my hookah smoke rises on past the moon at the tune of whiskey blues riffin sex... 

it's a cool night and somethin's on your mind. an impulse session good n fine for heartset souls designed to shine. my hands glidin on soft skin you think imperfect, only perfectly tenderized by life. bare and sweet-like on my own cryin out a tender moan only I can hear. eyes on fingertips as they glide through every valley and ridge fatefully placed to grace this sighted fool. it's in my "cool" to see it all with eyes wide closed. in, out...teasin up and down. not too hard, soft grazin on your lickable crown. slick like oil and sweat combined until the uncontrollable writhe finds the rhythm in our groove...inspirin your move...to spill. 

just this once...then everytime. blood fiendin for..."the lovers crime"...

~apollo 

Come Stars Align - A Poem by Moe

"the hardest part is when you're in it..."

i catch my breath 

to tease the whole

from unknown depths

of hungers' soul

my reach is far

my tongue, a flame

out there a star

still mine to claim

so hunger come

and fill my breath

till I am numb

to your own death

so she can rest

her heart on mine

and find me blessed

...come stars align

~moses

If It Could Be Known...

"i don't get it...he's supposed to be dangerous but all he does is read poetry all day..."

How tempting it has been to become the *sshole even the best of us seem to now gravitate to. How easy it would be to take what I wanted...so freely given these days to anyone with a good enough rap. If it was known what comes to me that I've denied myself for the sake of conscience & honor. Things I say to no one but my Lord lest anyone should think me arrogant as some already have in the sharing of my experiences. Folks, what would entice a priest gets a yawn from me when nothing else is there...& I'm seeing it more & more. Even the best of us are succumbing to this emptiness. Looking for validation from rocks & sand or to outpace any semblance of loneliness. I just can't do it...I'm just not made that way. So damn ordinary...so damn easy to sway...to control. 

Some folks are even seeing my struggles in dreams & in one it was said "leave him...you don't know what he's dealing with". They saw me homeless in the middle of the ocean...& it's actually how I feel. In other words "water, water everywhere & not a drop to drink". Alas, I am not drowning in sorrow nor am I in some contemplative grief. I have much greater things to fight worrying about but it's to the point that I just don't care anymore & this has become just another "matter of fact". Give me a reason to try & I will. Give me nothing, as much as I want or love you...oh well. As of this writing, it's how I feel & as I usually do...I'm chronicling this so that when I come through this one with the right lesson, I will never forget what it took to get there...& you as usual, can see it all. Now some may see this as a step to abandoning all the good pieces of me I'm known for but no...this is a much needed, ongoing refining process of EVERY part of me. Taking what is good...wanting to meet it's worth to allow for even greater & ALL that takes a clearer perspective. An acknowledgement of certain evolving truths that require evolved resolutions. Grow or slowly die folks....it's up to you. Now...a quick note of truth...

There are many that I speak to or that may read this & claim to understand what I'm talking about but trust me when I tell you that 99.9% of the people I've spoken that claimed they "knew"? Didn't...until they actually "knew". Once you cross that threshold of more than simple goosebumps & tickles in your stomach...butterflies & the ootsy cutsies (which are necessary beginnings btw). When you enter into a true connection's intimacy that organically extends into coupling sessions that have you ecstatically saying "what the f*ck is this?"...some of the experiences you thought the most mind blowing are then downgraded to where they actually belong & it's like entering into a larger world where you are now...small & a bit more awakened to certain realities that will have you questioning your past experiences. Which is why I say..."it's not for everyone". If you think that f*cking and making love is the same thing...I now suggest you keep believing that. I used to suggest otherwise but trust me, I think you're better off believing all fish are the same & that what's "good"...is good enough for you. I honestly don't think this age is of the "spirit" to find out otherwise anymore & I honestly...no longer care as I once did. I'm just as blessed either way...

That is to say that of all the ordinary, I am blessed to have met the extra-ordinary...the "better than me's". Some don't believe they are who I know them to be because of their past mistakes & others may accept their place among the greats but just haven't come to fully embrace it yet. In either case they DO still exist & what I've come to see is that among the hordes of empty...we still tend to find each other. You just have to weed out the fakes past your "boxes", checklists & "feels" & you'll know over time. You'll come to understand that a queen that has tasted true royalty will always face the difference between a good lookin chair...& a throne. May that be for you a comforting parting thought from me my beautiful people. Lord keep them from this age...with...or without me.

"Know Thyself"...I'm out...

~moses apollo    

Flawless...

"like a phoenix rising from the dust

i've come to lift you up..."

...is beauty in the eyes of the beholder. yet ironically enough, the greatest of beauty's virtues is the acceptance of flaws that as yet persist on an endless road towards flawlessness...knowing it will never reach its goal but finding the journey worthy of travail nonetheless. it seeks to become all that it truly is at heart...whose image would ultimately be reflected in the mirror of truth. it's how i choose to live...so it is how i also, choose to love. the superficial will see a woman of quality's stretch marks, cellulite or surgical scarring as an imperfection...i see what they represent. they tell the story of how she "became". what she came through and why my inner pangs go justified at depth. to want to give her at the very least a piece of me she will never receive elsewhere. not for ego, not to claim ground but because i see in her something my father said should always be loved right..."a good woman". i want all she is because she is a work of art created by God Himself. like a sculpture carved out of stone...brought through fire and rain to live and love again. with every iteration adding a forged explosive passion just waiting to erupt. granted as a gift to those that overcome but only accessible to those that "see it"...because to see it, is to appreciate it and to appreciate it...is to aid in its release. to want to protect it...to want to love it without possession. holding care never to snuff out it's ability to grow beyond itself or even oneself...even when it hurts like mad to do so. all true...but i want truer still...

my beautiful people, these are not just words to me...i live this out to the best of my ability and i share this with you not to tell you how great i am but to proclaim that even in this, as far along as i believe myself to be...i still have a long way to go. keep to this at heart...that intention is truth. i can go through the motions and do everything right but my "why" will always reveal itself in time and sometimes that "why" is not what you assumed the action taken represented. to be "real" is not to simply take ownership of your actions...but it is the ability to acknowledge your truest intent and adjust accordingly. all i write on this blog is the realest i can be but it is never the end of all i will become. i am everything i say i am but by no means does this mean i am "done" becoming more. not as an obsession...but as simply a way of life. maybe there are tweaks to what you've grown to believe you need to make. to better your road and become even clearer on your perspective. never abandoning the tried and true but knowing that SOME things can be explored deeper to expand upon or even...to let go of. to re-examine your road using new lenses added by experience to finally see the piece of glass you never knew you missed. to understand what is it about this one or that one that really drew you in. as a silly example, i recently found out that i became enamored by someone years ago when she simply showed an audacity of interest by recording herself singing "happy birthday" to me. she trusted that i would not judge the singing but hoped i would pick up on the intent...i did. she also sang it well btw...just sayin. now i had many reasons to be enamored but after introspection...i found this little nugget of truth inside. why is that important? that intent produced a birthing of something. a "something" i easily loss sight of over time. a "something" that needed a reference point for context. context that connected dots i didn't even know needed connecting. 

so my word to you is this: examine yourselves...truly. are you who you really want to be? are you trying to get there? you can always be better than you are and some of you are still fighting the need to become more because you value your comfort over your own growth. now you know how folks say "follow the money"? follow your intent...shake that tree. stay blessed my beautiful people. i'm out... 

no matter what you've been taught, always remember this: words pierce the soul and can speak to the spirit. actions can appease the mind and the heart but intention remains the root of all that's said and done. 

~moses

Dangerous...

"when your fear is currency

and you feel that urgency

you want peace but there's war in your head

maybe that's where life is born

when our façades are torn

pain gives birth to the promise ahead..."

...is the seasoned man housed in a body that only improves with age. instead of laughing at time, he laughs with it since it seems they have become friends. the man sought terms in his new iteration as solid are becoming his ways. after a time of needed introspective growth, a few rooms in his heart close to make room for others/more important things and then there are less than a handful of rooms...expanded not by choice...but because his heart said so. his mind as yet to fully accept it but it's come to trust his heart in this matter. one room is meant to house a love so intense...it's time in absentia has become a deliberate safeguard. a safeguard against frustration, pain and the fear it will be too much to contain. the thought of its loss became so heavy that even the mention of a kiss could induce the fear of an indelible stain and a night of intimacy...the dread of a permanent scar. he says nothing...but he knows. he's seen it over time. the problem is that some safeguards take hold and what was meant to be temporary...becomes too "set in" to undo. something he has no control of as all he can do is stay true to who and what he is becoming. 

"i live, i love, i live...i grow...i love still..."

and in every iteration...there's still...you. i'm out...

~moses apollo

PS: SO SO GRATEFUL...

This Road...

 

"there's no time for us...there's no place for us

what is this thing that builds our dreams yet slips away from us? 

who wants to live forever?..."

...is very long...

till next time...

~moses apollo