Affection Redux...

 

"it's affection always,

you're gonna see it someday

my attention for you

even if it's not what you need"

Went to the doctors office with someone so she could get an MRI scan...typical stuff. I saw she was nervous so I began to caress her hair. Like I said...typical stuff right? Well...the Russian technician that was doing the IV stopped, looked up at me and said "thank you...really, thank you for that". I'm really perplexed and I look at the person I was with and she looks just as perplexed at this woman's reaction. The lady said "in all my years doing this, it's actually the first time I've seen anyone do that. You almost got me to cry...". I was literally in shock. It just couldn't be. In my household when I was married...this was standard. Not for points but because we believed that this is what you do for the people you cared about. You make them feel "good"...acknowledged and loved. Not just when they're in need of it...but even in those inspired "just because" moments. To hear this woman say that made me think back at the times I had with women and they had all mentioned that I was affectionate like it was something they weren't used to. Like it was something worthy of surprise. I could see this distinction being mentioned at an impromptu kiss or hug but a caress to the hair? Really?

So why the need to mention this? I'm asking yet again...what the f*ck is goin on out here?!? Has everyone decided to "love" on utilitarian terms alone? Is everyone just a f*ck buddy with no heart now? Are her feelings now just for her therapist or is it a situation where "we can't get too close now...God forbid she catches feelings!!!" Listen to me please...if you sharin fluids with someone either emotionally, spiritually or physically...show it. Men, don't be afraid of the labels the merchants peddling shame want to throw at you. I know this is an "issue" these days. Check this, I heard sending someone love letters etc is now considered a negative called "love bombing". That it's a strategy?!? A manipulation tactic?!? Yeah f*ck that looky here now...imma tell you that "I love you" and mean it. Imma send you songs I've thought through and imma write with you in mind and heart. If you think that's "love bombing" then let me know and I'll just stop...all of it. Get it? I am leaning more to the belief that this is the point. Has it dawned on anyone yet that everything a "gentleman" once did for a lady seems to now be deemed suspect? Interesting huh? Well I feel a teachable moment comin on. Allow me to show you how the current zeitgeist works: 

Men, you have one male "influencer" tell you "don't be a simp!!" You simplistically translate that as "treat her like sh*t until she crawls". You then you hear a female "influencer" say "too much affection is a red flag!!". You simplistically translate that as "we REALLY want to be treated like sh*t until we crawl". That loop will play on youtube in different iterations until you think you just learned the secret to getting and keeping a woman..."treat her like sh*t...until she crawls". Women...it's the same thing for you. You get the "red flag checklist" and it becomes your bible. Every new "influencer" adds something new that blows your narrow mind. Not ever noticing a simple fact: that EVERYONE is guilty of doing EVERYTHING on the damn checklist...including YOU!!! LOL Now back when I was comin up...we had talk shows promote pseudo-psychology. Well...it stuck like gum at the bottom of our shoes contributing to the moral decay of our society. This generation has "the influencer"...these stick more like a bacon strip on underwear. Both had the ability to do good but when what's good and real stopped leadin in the ratings (or likes)...it usually meant the sensational and outrageous had just started bleedin. 

So I ask anyone that believes in any of this junk to remove their head out their ass for five minutes and consider that maybe...just MAYBE, labeling everything a man does for a woman as a negative will deter most men from doing anything at all. Making the destruction of the "fulfilled relationship" a foregone conclusion which in turn leads to the destruction of a potential family. Stop listening to TikTockers/Youtubers. Understand that their appeal rests on the idea that if you heed their advice..."you won't get hurt" and I get it. I've always advocated the back to basics approach. Just take your time. Judge by word & deed yes but keep intent as the qualifier and throw out the one size fits all checklists. You'll be surprised to find that sincere humans are actually nuanced in both word and deed. No matter what you've gone through, don't be afraid to love. Stay hip and wise. Protect your heart through experience, discernment and the wisdom they provide but don't ever shut off all that "real" love flows out of and flows into...including affection. I'm out my beautiful people...

~moses

The Lover's Crime - A Word by Moe

"your soft, my hard...this pleasurin stuff's my callin card..."

my hookah smoke rises on past the moon at the tune of whiskey blues riffin sex... 

it's a cool night and somethin's on your mind. an impulse session good n fine for heartset souls designed to shine. my hands glidin on soft skin you think imperfect, only perfectly tenderized by life. bare and sweet-like on my own cryin out a tender moan only I can hear. eyes on fingertips as they glide through every valley and ridge fatefully placed to grace this sighted fool. it's in my "cool" to see it all with eyes wide closed. in, out...teasin up and down. not too hard, soft grazin on your lickable crown. slick like oil and sweat combined until the uncontrollable writhe finds the rhythm in our groove...inspirin your move...to spill. 

just this once...then everytime. blood fiendin for..."the lovers crime"...

~apollo 

Come Stars Align - A Poem by Moe

"the hardest part is when you're in it..."

i catch my breath 

to tease the whole

from unknown depths

of hungers' soul

my reach is far

my tongue, a flame

out there a star

still mine to claim

so hunger come

and fill my breath

till I am numb

to your own death

so she can rest

her heart on mine

and find me blessed

...come stars align

~moses

If It Could Be Known...

"i don't get it...he's supposed to be dangerous but all he does is read poetry all day..."

How tempting it has been to become the *sshole even the best of us seem to now gravitate to. How easy it would be to take what I wanted...so freely given these days to anyone with a good enough rap. If it was known what comes to me that I've denied myself for the sake of conscience & honor. Things I say to no one but my Lord lest anyone should think me arrogant as some already have in the sharing of my experiences. Folks, what would entice a priest gets a yawn from me when nothing else is there...& I'm seeing it more & more. Even the best of us are succumbing to this emptiness. Looking for validation from rocks & sand or to outpace any semblance of loneliness. I just can't do it...I'm just not made that way. So damn ordinary...so damn easy to sway...to control. 

Some folks are even seeing my struggles in dreams & in one it was said "leave him...you don't know what he's dealing with". They saw me homeless in the middle of the ocean...& it's actually how I feel. In other words "water, water everywhere & not a drop to drink". Alas, I am not drowning in sorrow nor am I in some contemplative grief. I have much greater things to fight worrying about but it's to the point that I just don't care anymore & this has become just another "matter of fact". Give me a reason to try & I will. Give me nothing, as much as I want or love you...oh well. As of this writing, it's how I feel & as I usually do...I'm chronicling this so that when I come through this one with the right lesson, I will never forget what it took to get there...& you as usual, can see it all. Now some may see this as a step to abandoning all the good pieces of me I'm known for but no...this is a much needed, ongoing refining process of EVERY part of me. Taking what is good...wanting to meet it's worth to allow for even greater & ALL that takes a clearer perspective. An acknowledgement of certain evolving truths that require evolved resolutions. Grow or slowly die folks....it's up to you. Now...a quick note of truth...

There are many that I speak to or that may read this & claim to understand what I'm talking about but trust me when I tell you that 99.9% of the people I've spoken that claimed they "knew"? Didn't...until they actually "knew". Once you cross that threshold of more than simple goosebumps & tickles in your stomach...butterflies & the ootsy cutsies (which are necessary beginnings btw). When you enter into a true connection's intimacy that organically extends into coupling sessions that have you ecstatically saying "what the f*ck is this?"...some of the experiences you thought the most mind blowing are then downgraded to where they actually belong & it's like entering into a larger world where you are now...small & a bit more awakened to certain realities that will have you questioning your past experiences. Which is why I say..."it's not for everyone". If you think that f*cking and making love is the same thing...I now suggest you keep believing that. I used to suggest otherwise but trust me, I think you're better off believing all fish are the same & that what's "good"...is good enough for you. I honestly don't think this age is of the "spirit" to find out otherwise anymore & I honestly...no longer care as I once did. I'm just as blessed either way...

That is to say that of all the ordinary, I am blessed to have met the extra-ordinary...the "better than me's". Some don't believe they are who I know them to be because of their past mistakes & others may accept their place among the greats but just haven't come to fully embrace it yet. In either case they DO still exist & what I've come to see is that among the hordes of empty...we still tend to find each other. You just have to weed out the fakes past your "boxes", checklists & "feels" & you'll know over time. You'll come to understand that a queen that has tasted true royalty will always face the difference between a good lookin chair...& a throne. May that be for you a comforting parting thought from me my beautiful people. Lord keep them from this age...with...or without me.

"Know Thyself"...I'm out...

~moses apollo    

Flawless...

"like a phoenix rising from the dust

i've come to lift you up..."

...is beauty in the eyes of the beholder. yet ironically enough, the greatest of beauty's virtues is the acceptance of flaws that as yet persist on an endless road towards flawlessness...knowing it will never reach its goal but finding the journey worthy of travail nonetheless. it seeks to become all that it truly is at heart...whose image would ultimately be reflected in the mirror of truth. it's how i choose to live...so it is how i also, choose to love. the superficial will see a woman of quality's stretch marks, cellulite or surgical scarring as an imperfection...i see what they represent. they tell the story of how she "became". what she came through and why my inner pangs go justified at depth. to want to give her at the very least a piece of me she will never receive elsewhere. not for ego, not to claim ground but because i see in her something my father said should always be loved right..."a good woman". i want all she is because she is a work of art created by God Himself. like a sculpture carved out of stone...brought through fire and rain to live and love again. with every iteration adding a forged explosive passion just waiting to erupt. granted as a gift to those that overcome but only accessible to those that "see it"...because to see it, is to appreciate it and to appreciate it...is to aid in its release. to want to protect it...to want to love it without possession. holding care never to snuff out it's ability to grow beyond itself or even oneself...even when it hurts like mad to do so. all true...but i want truer still...

my beautiful people, these are not just words to me...i live this out to the best of my ability and i share this with you not to tell you how great i am but to proclaim that even in this, as far along as i believe myself to be...i still have a long way to go. keep to this at heart...that intention is truth. i can go through the motions and do everything right but my "why" will always reveal itself in time and sometimes that "why" is not what you assumed the action taken represented. to be "real" is not to simply take ownership of your actions...but it is the ability to acknowledge your truest intent and adjust accordingly. all i write on this blog is the realest i can be but it is never the end of all i will become. i am everything i say i am but by no means does this mean i am "done" becoming more. not as an obsession...but as simply a way of life. maybe there are tweaks to what you've grown to believe you need to make. to better your road and become even clearer on your perspective. never abandoning the tried and true but knowing that SOME things can be explored deeper to expand upon or even...to let go of. to re-examine your road using new lenses added by experience to finally see the piece of glass you never knew you missed. to understand what is it about this one or that one that really drew you in. as a silly example, i recently found out that i became enamored by someone years ago when she simply showed an audacity of interest by recording herself singing "happy birthday" to me. she trusted that i would not judge the singing but hoped i would pick up on the intent...i did. she also sang it well btw...just sayin. now i had many reasons to be enamored but after introspection...i found this little nugget of truth inside. why is that important? that intent produced a birthing of something. a "something" i easily loss sight of over time. a "something" that needed a reference point for context. context that connected dots i didn't even know needed connecting. 

so my word to you is this: examine yourselves...truly. are you who you really want to be? are you trying to get there? you can always be better than you are and some of you are still fighting the need to become more because you value your comfort over your own growth. now you know how folks say "follow the money"? follow your intent...shake that tree. stay blessed my beautiful people. i'm out... 

no matter what you've been taught, always remember this: words pierce the soul and can speak to the spirit. actions can appease the mind and the heart but intention remains the root of all that's said and done. 

~moses

Dangerous...

"when your fear is currency

and you feel that urgency

you want peace but there's war in your head

maybe that's where life is born

when our façades are torn

pain gives birth to the promise ahead..."

...is the seasoned man housed in a body that only improves with age. instead of laughing at time, he laughs with it since it seems they have become friends. the man sought terms in his new iteration as solid are becoming his ways. after a time of needed introspective growth, a few rooms in his heart close to make room for others/more important things and then there are less than a handful of rooms...expanded not by choice...but because his heart said so. his mind as yet to fully accept it but it's come to trust his heart in this matter. one room is meant to house a love so intense...it's time in absentia has become a deliberate safeguard. a safeguard against frustration, pain and the fear it will be too much to contain. the thought of its loss became so heavy that even the mention of a kiss could induce the fear of an indelible stain and a night of intimacy...the dread of a permanent scar. he says nothing...but he knows. he's seen it over time. the problem is that some safeguards take hold and what was meant to be temporary...becomes too "set in" to undo. something he has no control of as all he can do is stay true to who and what he is becoming. 

"i live, i love, i live...i grow...i love still..."

and in every iteration...there's still...you. i'm out...

~moses apollo

PS: SO SO GRATEFUL...

This Road...

 

"there's no time for us...there's no place for us

what is this thing that builds our dreams yet slips away from us? 

who wants to live forever?..."

...is very long...

till next time...

~moses apollo

BABY...IT'S A FIRE SALE...

"...so-er, are you experienced?

ah! have you ever been experienced?

well...I have

ah, let me prove it to you..."

EVERYTHING

MUST

GO

~moses apollo apolinaris

The Carriage And The Bridge...

"I think that possibly, maybe I'm falling for you

Yes, there's a chance that I've fallen quite hard over you

I've seen the waters that make your eyes shine, now I'm shining too

Because, oh because I've fallen quite hard over you..."

Note: A friend of mine gave me permission to speak on his experience so I could readily share my own with you all on this topic. I share this without mentioning names but do so only with the upmost respect and love.

OK so a friend of mine came across an online "crush" that turned into an online "infatuation". An online infatuation that lead into an online "like" whose curiosity and upkeep flowed into a real love that settled them into an exclusive long distance "dating" situation. Two people fell in love without ever having physically met. Rare but when honest...it can definitively happen. The funny part? After about 5 months, he says they finally met and claims that it was the most awkward situation he's ever been in. He didn't know if he should kiss her or even hold her hand. It was like they were strangers feeling out each others boundaries through awkward vibes. His confusion was an angry one. Why? Well here you have two people that told each other what would happen when they met. How they would kiss, how they would make love to each other etc and when the time came...zilch, nada...nothing.

Why is that funny? Well...I've already been there myself. Folks, if humans can build up an unwitnessed event around a simple photo in their minds, how much more can they build a whole life around conversations had in the quiet of what was inspired by real inner contact. Anything and everything can be shared unseen. Why? Because in such conditions we are no longer privy to what can drive or stifle conversation...facial expression and body language. So the very thing that we are initially instinctively conditioned to watch for comes so late to the party, that it appears as a third wheel tryin to play catch up at these brand new meet-ups. It's the funniest thing to watch her make a face when she thinks you're not looking after a joke is told you thought would make her laugh based on your online conversations. So was it all fully genuine? Was there some "yeah, me too!!" bullsh*t goin on? Of course!! As there is in any courtship except in these cases...we don't catch them as they remain unseen.

Given this, my friend had asked me if I thought they had made a mistake. If there was a chance they made up their feelings for each other as some online ego driven venture. Knowing what I know of their honest natures, I said "absolutely not". That all that was left was to get past the conundrum of leading with "bedroom talk" as opposed to the mundane and finding a way to reconcile the two. Folks, in a normal real life (as opposed to online) situation, the things shared in intimate online conversation were usually shared over time...and sometimes with the lights off in bed (lol) "Pillow talk" was the kind of talk that drew two people that dug each other even closer. You already knew what kind of food they liked, where they lived and if they had any pets. Pillow talk brought you into their childhood, examples of what exes did that drove them crazy, their favorite sexual position etc Online? We lead with this instead...and meet-ups are now a way to find out the rest. THIS is what makes it all so damn uncomfortable. You know just about everything EXCEPT what it feels like to actually be around them. So when the time comes, will you like the physical incarnation of the avatar you fell in love with online? That my beautiful people can take one meeting...or many. What determines that? The nature of the two meeting. Some folks think they can size someone up right away and seven times out of ten, they can...but only if the mark is simple. The complex take more time to understand so it will take more meet-ups to be sure and depending on the situation...that ain't always easy. Life happens and yes, that can and does at times get in the way. As such, some are happy to maintain the online "love" because that don't come with the mundane "hang-ups" but such a thing is so-incomplete it becomes a fantasy. Un-tested in every way. I can touch you internally from wherever I am...a beautiful gift. Yet in all it's beauty, it is incomplete without the puzzle piece it's meant to inspire. Like a man or a woman that can stand on their own. Strong and sure yes? Grant these two compatibles a task...and watch what happens. The internal energy co-mingling with external points that encircle each other creating a beautiful piece of symphonic magic is something only God could articulate. THIS...is what I seek...divinity fully expressed in brutal truth... 

In my "adventures" I've come across all types. The aggressive, the meek and the in between. The ones that wanted to find out who I actually was and the ones that feigned this curiosity to get me into bed. Some have so built up in their minds this fictitious "sexual god" (poetry, pics etc will do that...just ONE part of me) they were afraid to disappoint so they only went so far while others went for the damn gusto like I was some damn gigolo always at the ready to ride. Didn't mind either so long as they came to regulate their heart and mind into a truth; that I was a human being that was everything I said I was. Thankfully, so far that's always been the case. So what did I tell my friend?

I let him know that there's a bridge out there they both need to cross if they want this to work the way think it should because so far...they gone riding horses alone. Sending messages to each other from each end of the bridge. You see at the center of that bridge is their carriage. The one distinctively created by countless messages of love and hope. A carriage where they can sit and talk about bullsh*t. A carriage where they were meant to hitch both their horses to so it can carry them a bit here and there and maybe (if the stars continue to align), through a life they've chosen to now navigate together. On it, they can talk about how their day went, what their friend told them they couldn't believe, how their kids football game went etc  All without the expectations framed by their own imaginations. Yet always at the ready...to fulfill one or two ;-) I'm out my loves...

~moses 

Evo-revolution...Continues...

a life of constant flux...expected

unexpected...what new lenses are showin me

i've watched enough...i now know enough

some good, some bad...some beautiful, some ugly

all in all: growth brings us here every so often...nothing new to me

adapting to new weight requires one be more judicious with what they decide to carry

some of what will remain will be seen through a different prism

some will wane...others intensify. no longer my concern...i will remain who and what i am

i've watched enough...i now know enough

trials come like torrential rain...they can drown you or water you into new growth

that part is always up to you

~moses apollo