This Road...

 

"there's no time for us...there's no place for us

what is this thing that builds our dreams yet slips away from us? 

who wants to live forever?..."

...is very long...

till next time...

~moses apollo

BABY...IT'S A FIRE SALE...

"...so-er, are you experienced?

ah! have you ever been experienced?

well...I have

ah, let me prove it to you..."

EVERYTHING

MUST

GO

~moses apollo apolinaris

The Carriage And The Bridge...

"I think that possibly, maybe I'm falling for you

Yes, there's a chance that I've fallen quite hard over you

I've seen the waters that make your eyes shine, now I'm shining too

Because, oh because I've fallen quite hard over you..."

Note: A friend of mine gave me permission to speak on his experience so I could readily share my own with you all on this topic. I share this without mentioning names but do so only with the upmost respect and love.

OK so a friend of mine came across an online "crush" that turned into an online "infatuation". An online infatuation that lead into an online "like" whose curiosity and upkeep flowed into a real love that settled them into an exclusive long distance "dating" situation. Two people fell in love without ever having physically met. Rare but when honest...it can definitively happen. The funny part? After about 5 months, he says they finally met and claims that it was the most awkward situation he's ever been in. He didn't know if he should kiss her or even hold her hand. It was like they were strangers feeling out each others boundaries through awkward vibes. His confusion was an angry one. Why? Well here you have two people that told each other what would happen when they met. How they would kiss, how they would make love to each other etc and when the time came...zilch, nada...nothing.

Why is that funny? Well...I've already been there myself. Folks, if humans can build up an unwitnessed event around a simple photo in their minds, how much more can they build a whole life around conversations had in the quiet of what was inspired by real inner contact. Anything and everything can be shared unseen. Why? Because in such conditions we are no longer privy to what can drive or stifle conversation...facial expression and body language. So the very thing that we are initially instinctively conditioned to watch for comes so late to the party, that it appears as a third wheel tryin to play catch up at these brand new meet-ups. It's the funniest thing to watch her make a face when she thinks you're not looking after a joke is told you thought would make her laugh based on your online conversations. So was it all fully genuine? Was there some "yeah, me too!!" bullsh*t goin on? Of course!! As there is in any courtship except in these cases...we don't catch them as they remain unseen.

Given this, my friend had asked me if I thought they had made a mistake. If there was a chance they made up their feelings for each other as some online ego driven venture. Knowing what I know of their honest natures, I said "absolutely not". That all that was left was to get past the conundrum of leading with "bedroom talk" as opposed to the mundane and finding a way to reconcile the two. Folks, in a normal real life (as opposed to online) situation, the things shared in intimate online conversation were usually shared over time...and sometimes with the lights off in bed (lol) "Pillow talk" was the kind of talk that drew two people that dug each other even closer. You already knew what kind of food they liked, where they lived and if they had any pets. Pillow talk brought you into their childhood, examples of what exes did that drove them crazy, their favorite sexual position etc Online? We lead with this instead...and meet-ups are now a way to find out the rest. THIS is what makes it all so damn uncomfortable. You know just about everything EXCEPT what it feels like to actually be around them. So when the time comes, will you like the physical incarnation of the avatar you fell in love with online? That my beautiful people can take one meeting...or many. What determines that? The nature of the two meeting. Some folks think they can size someone up right away and seven times out of ten, they can...but only if the mark is simple. The complex take more time to understand so it will take more meet-ups to be sure and depending on the situation...that ain't always easy. Life happens and yes, that can and does at times get in the way. As such, some are happy to maintain the online "love" because that don't come with the mundane "hang-ups" but such a thing is so-incomplete it becomes a fantasy. Un-tested in every way. I can touch you internally from wherever I am...a beautiful gift. Yet in all it's beauty, it is incomplete without the puzzle piece it's meant to inspire. Like a man or a woman that can stand on their own. Strong and sure yes? Grant these two compatibles a task...and watch what happens. The internal energy co-mingling with external points that encircle each other creating a beautiful piece of symphonic magic is something only God could articulate. THIS...is what I seek...divinity fully expressed in brutal truth... 

In my "adventures" I've come across all types. The aggressive, the meek and the in between. The ones that wanted to find out who I actually was and the ones that feigned this curiosity to get me into bed. Some have so built up in their minds this fictitious "sexual god" (poetry, pics etc will do that...just ONE part of me) they were afraid to disappoint so they only went so far while others went for the damn gusto like I was some damn gigolo always at the ready to ride. Didn't mind either so long as they came to regulate their heart and mind into a truth; that I was a human being that was everything I said I was. Thankfully, so far that's always been the case. So what did I tell my friend?

I let him know that there's a bridge out there they both need to cross if they want this to work the way think it should because so far...they gone riding horses alone. Sending messages to each other from each end of the bridge. You see at the center of that bridge is their carriage. The one distinctively created by countless messages of love and hope. A carriage where they can sit and talk about bullsh*t. A carriage where they were meant to hitch both their horses to so it can carry them a bit here and there and maybe (if the stars continue to align), through a life they've chosen to now navigate together. On it, they can talk about how their day went, what their friend told them they couldn't believe, how their kids football game went etc  All without the expectations framed by their own imaginations. Yet always at the ready...to fulfill one or two ;-) I'm out my loves...

~moses 

Evo-revolution...Continues...

a life of constant flux...expected

unexpected...what new lenses are showin me

i've watched enough...i now know enough

some good, some bad...some beautiful, some ugly

all in all: growth brings us here every so often...nothing new to me

adapting to new weight requires one be more judicious with what they decide to carry

some of what will remain will be seen through a different prism

some will wane...others intensify. no longer my concern...i will remain who and what i am

i've watched enough...i now know enough

trials come like torrential rain...they can drown you or water you into new growth

that part is always up to you

~moses apollo

Tweakin - A Poem by Moe

"Imagine being free...Imagine tasting free

Imagine feeling free...Imagine feeling..."

unconditional love & steady passion

tweaks its art for conditional action

frees the flow for increased desire

now burnin wood for directional fire

the race now paced when feel is real

no more sweat for an impending meal

my flame it do what it gonna do

this costs me some, it ain't free for you

so speak my heart & sing my songs

i'll play my part in rightin wrongs

i won't hold back, i'll keep it new

what fate looks like, that's up to you

~apollo

The Conversation...

"see it...swimmin..."

Mind: "Stop...just stop..."

Heart: "Why should I?!?"

Mind: "Trust me you need to. I have a different perspective than you do and this last event has made me keener. I mean dammit...you still have your bandages on!!"

Heart: "I'm STILL in charge!!!!"

Mind: "Yeah, and that might be a problem. You my love are over-worked and way underpaid. I know you hate it when I say it but dammit it's true and it's my job to see it and tell you when I do. I have agreed you have to do you for us to feel alive but my job is to see that you are valued. To make sure all you are does not go to waste no matter how much you feel. YOU know I learned a lot to get here. Not through some bullsh*t school or youtube video but through actual experience. Now let me do my job. Back up, take some time...stop. I'm afraid you may be ignoring signs and signals just to persist. Give me time to evaluate things right."

Heart: "It's called giving folks the benefit of the doubt. You ought to try it sometimes. Lately you've been too quick to write people off on simplistic infractions."

Mind: "After all that's happened, it's hard not to want to waste anymore time. It's hard to ignore the voice of experience and wisdom and have to succumb to your notions of understanding and forgiveness. Our tolerance for bullsh*t has been high and that has to change. I don't want you to change but we have to be wiser. If you value honoring one's own worth as you say you do then you will allow the tweaks I want. Face it...we're different and that makes us valuable. It's not arrogant to admit it and you know all about false humility. Don't activate that sh*t now."

Heart: "It's just different for you is all. You are flippant about it. I can't do that. I'm more measured about it as I don't see it as a power the same way you do. I see it as a gift to be given out."

Mind: "Ok then mr self-righteous!! Remember what the Master says about giving? That we are basically tested with how we handle the little we have? How we are to freely give it out and NOT save or hoard it? That to do so would mean we would lose even that little we were given? You my friend give too damn much and are sometimes met with the hoarder. The kind that thinks to show any vulnerability or even simple respect with us is a weakness we would exploit. Either from past hurt or because of how we look. You know that sh*t is true!! It's my job to tell the difference!! You may not have arms or legs but what you do have in abundance is blood, love and passion but you are testing your limits to the brink!!"

Heart: "You know I have no limits and I will do as I must BUT...I will allow SOME of the tweaks you're suggesting. This new road IS based on vetting. I see your point on some things but like you look out for me...let me look out for you. Not everyone is gaming. Some folks are just being careful because of what they've been through. I know you want to write them off due to our last encounter but just be more judicious man. Your hardness compliments my softness but I just gave a little...you should do the same. Don't ever lose sight of what we learned from the Master so long ago and hold fast to it...love first my friend. We must lead with it everytime. You know that no matter how deep I may get, I'm always ready to hear & act on your side of things but always...me first."

Mind: "Yeah and that's the ONLY reason why you're in charge. I get what you're saying about being more judicious and you know I'm working on it. You know how we do. This time left a scar is all. Side note: does it bother you that folk are listening into our conversation? Some...might think you're crazy"

Heart: "As usual those that may think that don't understand me to begin with and their worth to me is at a level where their opinion means very little. I just really feel people will relate to this conversation and our give and take. People have lost sight of a simple truth. That they don't have to settle with how they feel or what they think when they feel they are spiraling out of control or feeling lost. We exist seperately for a reason. When you keep it brutally real, you become my therapist but that brutal honesty is a learned trait my friend & to most, their minds are simply yes men looking to validate their internal mess. Let them hear this just this once..."

Mind: "Well I'm just on the record as this not being a good idea... Anyway, glad we worked it out. Time to go to work..."

An internal conversation I had months ago. A common scenario where both mind and heart were correct. Neither right nor wrong...only degrees of each in every argument. The trick is found in their ability to convince the other of a singular symbiotic vision that can only bring true balance through brutal honesty. Before you can keep it real with anyone else...keep it real with yourself first. I'm out...

~moses apollo

Me!!...That's Who!!...

"Aquí estoy, en el hotel de los encuentros

Con los bolsillos llenos de palabras

Y cartas y fotos, y risas y lamentos

Poquito de ti, poquito de mí, poquito de todo..."

Who plans solo trips based off tourist videos that consistently show up on Youtube out of the blue? *refer to title*

It's hilarious but ok!! I'm out!!

~moses apollo

It's All About...The Intermission...

He had just had a moment with a beautiful woman in his apartment and it was time to leave. Just as they were getting ready he stopped, shut his eyes and took in a classical movement being played on his stereo. She looked at him and simply said "beautiful Moe..."...shaking her head in sweetness. She really didn't get the fullness of what was happening in that moment.

To tell you that my life has had battles would be an understatement. One after the next. They either involved me personally or someone else I had been entrusted to help. Always something that needed my attention and/or presence. So I came to acknowledge this would be my life and that any moment of beauty or passion I was afforded would be a moment of sweet intermission for me. Not many knew of them because I was never one to carry them as a man of sorrows but they were always present...still are. To know this is to understand why the things people take for granted are so very dear to me and why to me, they are worth fighting for. Those seconds, minutes and hours of stillness, the sweet melodies inspired by a beautiful sunrise, walks in a park on a cloudy day with someone you've missed, sitting by a lakeside with someone you love or even the unexpected message of hope sent by someone special are everything to me. It will always be something most will never comprehend as most are built to want the "lifetime" but to me...that's what those moments represent. That's what those nights of passion mean to me. To be with someone you love deeply for whatever hours you are graced is like a sonnet that must last forever in my heart because there's always that sense...it might not come again. Sitting in a foxhole waiting for your relief could take months at a time and not everyone can wait that long. All that you've built in love can be tested and sometimes even lost. I understand it...all too well. It's just the way it is. To have one understand it though...is a gift. A welcome rarity to say the least...

I remember watching movies as a kid that had long musical scores between their well worth four hour spans. This was called "the intermission". It allowed the movie goer a time of respite from the drama they were taking in from the flick. They could use the bathroom, get some more popcorn or time to just sit there to think about the epic. Who knew there was a life lesson in there for me... My Lord is good to me...

~moses apollo

PS: Been in this foxhole too long I think...

Amsterdam Blue...

bedtime...the wind blows ever so slightly pushing the sheer curtains forward touching the unkempt bed as the moonlight completes the ambience needed for the night. the barefoot, shirtless man in jeans walks into the bedroom to find you by your dresser drawer wearing a t-shirt that reaches the knee...and nothing else. candles accentuating your beautiful silhouette... 

*"Amsterdam Blue" begins its slow long hum in the background*

you turn your back to him in anticipation as he calmly walks towards you. standing just inches behind you, his breath is now soft on the nape of your neck while his hands grow bold to become the eyes of his soul...exploring. his fingertips showing him all he needs to know as his lips softly kiss your neck. his hands slowly making their way downward from your shoulders on passed your hands. from thighs to hips...across your belly. one hand making its' way to supple breast as the other is drawn to supple mound...moist...and ready. your heart...beating faster. your breath...heavy. you...doing your very best to maintain composure while loving every bit of this expression of his love. your eyes...closed off to your surroundings. existing now solely in an ethereal plane your union has created. tips now slipping soft between lips he longs to taste. fingers find the warm and the wet as your gates begin their welcome. he kisses, nibbles and bites on your neck as your head now lays back on his shoulder. your composure weakens, your hips writhe as his hand remains steady at work. your hand reaches back to find him ready and you turn your head to find his lips waiting for the long awaited kiss that finally holds nothing back. lost in the throws of passion...the embers glow soft, building...

you now hear...

an alarm clock. you wake up in a cold sweat, wet, shaken and frustrated. it was all just a dream...or was it? stay tuned...

~moses apollo   

Damn...

"If I had a box just for wishes

And dreams that would never come true

The box would be empty, except for the memory

Of how they were answered by you"

fresh tools, keener eyes

jagged floors, calloused hands

holding loose, a tighter flow

even in the bleeding rain

i am restless

not good...

make it work...

~apollo