the kiss, the walk, the talk...mined the time. beguiled the smile, explored the more from the floor to the door...the demure to the whore. from the deep to the creep for all to keep in acceptance without judgment...for love.
such love with lust producing trust. inspiring feast for beauty's beast...by muscle, stock & stone. from soft to stern, he learned to earn the subtle yearn to groan the moan from passion sown. to give the take for dams to break...he mined the time.
with mind to mine, he took his time...for all now freely held
This is how long I spent on the phone with one of the most powerful women on this planet. Strength without platitudes or pretention. Wanting for nothing but herself & her God. Wise beyond her 72 years yet still willing to resonate the truth she carries inside when she hears it like an echo of something she'd forgotten on purpose to make room for more. This beautifully flawed soul is my mother and for the first time in a long time...we saw each other...in each other.
The life of stoic independence she tried so hard not to pass on is now mine and she found it both reassuring and scary. The life of the misunderstood misfit that is celebrated in spurts with those willing to choose a form of passionate transience...as opposed to some shade of permanence. She lived out that life. Not because she wanted to but because she felt she had no choice. She couldn't bring herself to become watered down or filtered for the sake of convention. It was who and what she was that made her special and worth the transience in the eyes of all that knew her. She admitted the truth of its blessing and curse...never wanting that for any of us. Yet here I am...articulating it in both speech and deed. I know now that I am not alone. Never really needing it...it did feel good to be fully understood and seen without judgment.
From the depth of my soul I appreciate those that have and still do. I received an unexpected message from someone some time ago that took time out of her night to let me know I was appreciated and what moved me the most was just how much it moved me. I really didn't know what to say because the greatest compliments are the ones that are truly thought through and sincere and this particular wordsmith gets easily tounge tied at such things. They don't come often (not a complaint in the slightest...just a matter of fact) and when they do, it's like watching a comet shoot across the sky...it stays with you. The warmth of heart it produces lingers for days and the memory of it never fades. The acknowledgment of all that you are through the eyes of someone whose opinion matters to you is a powerful thing my loves.
For three hours, my mother and I acknowledged the brutal truth of all we were. Seeing that the better parts of all we are far outweighed the bad. It was something that will stay with me for as long as I have breath...
I have a handful of souls that have been with me for years. Even those that seem to come and go have never really left my side...as I have never really left theirs. To those I say again (they know who they are)...thank you for existing and know that the customized room in my heart that's been prepared for you will always be there. I will add simply this: Without her even knowing it, my mother chose her suitors and the few in her circle by the mirror and I have been wise to do the same. Know that if I have ever taken an interest in you it is because I've seen a beautiful oddity in you that I see in myself. Time measures out the rest beyond simple interest but know that there are things in you untapped that you are not fully aware of that are powerful enough for someone like me to be drawn to. You are stronger than you know, wiser than you know and more loving/passionate than you have yet to experience. Take that and run with it my beautiful souls. There is nothing you cannot overcome. I "see" you...still...
So my word for all tonight is this: If there is someone in your life that doesn't feel seen, heard or understood that truly means something to you...let them know that you truly "see" them. The impact of such a thing could be just what they need in the moment to springboard them forward into their next level of existence. With love...I'm out...
I see you drowning in a lake that represents illness, inner turmoil and heavier than normal relationship issues...and I cannot save you. I point to a rope that is tied to a boat but you say to me "it's ok...I've learned how to float". I cringe in frustration because there is nothing more I can do. I know I and others will lose you on this road. I know the eventualities of this road because we all MUST learn to "float" above our own waters but if we become too content without moving towards what's next...we will remain in a space that provides a false sense of security. A complacency will set in that can easily take the place of that contentment without one even noticing. These waters are acidic and they will eat away at you slowly if you don't find a way to drain them or get to shore but some get numb to the corrosion until it's too late. They either go mad, cold of heart...or finally get caught by the illness they ignored. You see they convince themselves that a certain level of "peace" is enough to sustain them. It may have been so but what they don't understand is that there is a purpose to that peace. It is meant to clear their mind and heart so they could find and implement a solution...at peace.
When I see a loved one in this position, I want to yell. My frustration becomes unparalleled and like my mother, I've been known to lash out like an alarm at a real fire. Usually either calm, jovial or even-keeled but this can take me "there". Sometimes it's taken wrong but I can't worry about that when a life or lives are at stake. In this, I understand my mother all too well and it is one so-called "flaw" I welcome in those that love me. They love me enough to risk me no longer liking them for my own sake...and to me, that ain't a "deal breaker".
Listen to me my beautiful people: I applaud you if you've come to "terms" with whatever you've gone through or are going through now but don't ever allow yourself to get caught in the trap this necessary step can become. Receive and live in the peace it provides but do not allow it to sedate you. You still have the last step to take that may involve other steps. They can include trips to the mirror...or a designated physician.
I have an issue that today is classified as a problem. Even through all I've gone through...I STILL care. I'm out...
Contemplating on my last post, I realized some of you come here to read words of encouragement, love or beauty and that's understandable given most of my writings. You might be saying to yourselves "damn...he's still at this?" but if you know me you'll know there's usually a "method to my madness". My "method" here is quite simple: First, it's my blog and "I'll cry if I want to" and secondly, it's not enough for me that you see strength, resolve or enduring love. I want you to know how I get there ;-) I want you to see that in this process there will be moments of anger, frustration, confusion, pain and bitterness and I want you to realize why I believe most people get stuck. This pop psychology bullsh*t age will tell them to "accept" what they feel (which is correct) but will never tell them to heal from these things by finding a way to reconcile each through the "truth" of the mirror...
It's so easy to label this or that these days that it's no wonder more than half the population of the US seems to be housed by emotional neophytes. Too harsh for you? Take a good hard look in the mirror and find out that being easily offended is wholly a "me not you" issue. Perfect segue huh? Yes, I am glorious...show me later lol Now I'm not talking about the kind of look in the mirror where you find your faults and wallow in your weaknesses. I'm not talking about the kind of look in the mirror where you diagnose yourself via the "latest thing" or take a pill or a shot as an anesthetizer. No, I'm talking about the look in the mirror that is honest for a reason. The kind that acknowledges your faults, accepts them BUT also looks to improve them. Not through some obsessive regimented ritual but through process. A process that changes not just the mind...but eventually has the heart follow as well and contrary to popular belief...it's NOT automatic.
Readin books and doing self-affirmations are nice and all but looky here: "if I can't apply it...I ain't gon' buy it". That's my quote...eat your heart out Johnny Cochran lol I don't care if it's "Nietzsche" or some 5000 year old manuscript. Some folk read this stuff just to tell folk that are easily impressed "this is in my library...I'm wise and/or better than you in some way" but never think to ask...how does this apply to me in the world I must exist in right now. These books try to tell you who you should be and how to achieve the "you from your best life". I halfway expected the follow-up to read: "for just 6 EZ payments of 29.99!!". Truth is they will help you like a muscle suit makes you feel big under clothes if you can't apply them in the same way you would train real muscle. If you don't deal with the underlying issues, forget about becoming more "in truth" and to deal with the underlying issues...you need to find them. THAT is where the mirror comes in...
In my mirror, I found that it's easy for me to forgive. I wish I could say that it's because I'm such a good person but the truth is that this virtue, like most qualities, has a lot to do with perspective. In each case...understanding. To understand the frailty of humanity is to see the "why" in everything that was done to you or said about you. To understand the intricacies and nuances of the soul. To understand that not every perceived evil is in fact an "evil" but instead an inherent flaw within the workings of humanity itself. This does not apply to those that will hurt you because they get off on it. These we deal with how we must. I'm talking about those that have a human "why" to their flaws (and I ain't talkin mommy/daddy issues). Where do we find these "flaws"? In the damn mirror. In speaking to my Lord, I speak to One that can read my thoughts and hearts intent so knowing this forces me to be honest to my core. Some choose to speak to themselves. Where their other self is allowed to be brutally honest. You'd be surprised how many times we've thought through a thing STILL lying to ourselves. STILL trying to make ourselves out to be better than we actually are. It's incredible how many notions humans carry about themselves that began as a "fake it to make it" that are still in the "fake it" stage and they don't even know it. This is where nuance comes in...woof...
Nuance is incredibly important in all this because sometimes, our brutally honest selves can lead us in the wrong directions without it. To give you an example, your brutally honest self can say "truth is, I don't love my cat" (falling in line with the stereotypical brutally honest person...always sh*t talkin) and you will accept this because it sounds honest yes? Most would...but I don't stop there. I would argue and ask "but can you live without the cat?" Brutally honest self would answer: "Oh hell yes!!!..." as you then start feeling a sense of immense loss at just the thought of it lol You see understanding nuance would let you know at that very moment that you don't like your cat very much...but you do still love it. Such is the way of things. At that point I would ask "well, what don't I like?..." Following that thread to come to a conclusion that is fact based towards a resolution that will either take time or be healed in instant epiphany. "Process" my beautiful people...
As for me and my mirror: As I began to state, I can forgive easily but it's the rest of it where I find myself lacking. I once wrote a post on "pure love". Love as described by Paul in 1 Corinthians 13. In effect, to say "this is how God loves". A chapter shared at almost every Christian wedding. Claiming it to vow: "I will love you as God loves". In my post I acknowledge something very difficult. When you read it as it was written...it is a near impossibility to love this way wearing this human suit and I say this as a man that desires to love this way with a passion that bleeds this need daily. The purest denial of self is what I seek in this regard. I parallel it in the bedroom (well...a statement that kind of explains a lot) but more than anything...I want this oozing from my heart. What people have done or said should no longer bother me in the slightest but they still do. Not in crippling ways but in human ways. I understand this and accept it but my desire for the self expression of this love has become a part of my life's momentary message renewed...why? Well, alongside something that happened before this crisis began, there is now one within the crisis that seriously hurt me that needs me now more than ever before and it is one situation...impossible to walk away from. I need to get this right and with my Lord's help I will. In all it has crystalized all the others and re-initiated this mirrored conversation. Now, although I may not fully express it perfectly in this realm...I can come damn close. This is my happy middle. So I close with this: closeness to God is not about spiritual giftings or authority. These come by virtue of His presence. TRUE closeness to God is identified by love...and I choose to love no matter what. How that is manifested among humans will always be based on us and what the trials of life reveal...but I will always endeavor my heart not be moved. Stay blessed my loves...
Are you with me through it all? Then why can't I feel you?
Stay with me, don't let me go. Because there's nothing left at all
Stay with me, don't let me go. Until the ashes of Eden fall..."
When your facing a serious ongoing crisis (by men's standards) and you're still trying to live out your life as best you can, your brain will instinctively switch into "zero-sum" mode. "This or that" is all it's been conditioned to understand in moments of crisis. I tend to think that it's because it's doing it's best to conserve it's energy for the more pressing issues so it will not suffer standing in line at the Chinese take out readin through a menu that's been read over a million times. Decision making gets short and so will you if you don't keep that in check. A surface answer to my last post...
Oh and on top of that, I tested positive for Covid almost two weeks ago. Due to the combo I take (Quercetin/Zinc/C/D3) on the regular, my symptoms were that of a moderate flu except for one thing...the fatigue. I tried training through it and nearly injured myself so I been holdin back. Thankfully, I made so much progress leading up to this that I'm impressed by what has stuck. Still...training to me is also therapy (among many other things) so this has only made things worse. It's been a cornucopia of sh*t folks and I'm still not giving up. If you all knew what the ongoing crisis was...you'd all appreciate what I just typed a bit more. Trust me...it's not what any of you think it is.
Look, in times like these, like I've said many times, you get to feel everything and today, I had an enlightening conversation. You know, given "what" I am or at least, what I believe my role to be, I always let it go when I've felt slighted for no logical reason because I understood it "came with the gig". You can be the kindest person in the world to someone or love family unconditionally to the point of irreparable sacrifice and they can still stab you in the back. If a stranger does it, you can laugh it off but when someone that has your heart does it, it kind of chucks off a piece of it everytime. As God as my witness (something I NEVER say lightly) I don't care who comes and goes or what folk decide to do. What I do care about is how they manage their comin and goin when it pertains to me. I ask for NOTHING so there is never any pressure. Nor will I ever "take" the way others "take". I have had MANY opportunities handed to me to "take" but I knew that doing so would only cause harm. I opted for doing what was right outside of my own instant gratification out of respect towards the person I could've taken from. All I ever ask for is what should be forthcoming from one human being to another without ever having to voice it...reciprocated respect and honor.
I know a powerful woman that is a gamer extraordinaire. Everyone knows how I feel about "gaming" (relationship-wise...not my thing) but because she honored me enough never to play me or ever think she could "back-pocket" me (insulting)...I perceived her "gaming" was more about "survival of the fittest" than it was about raw power for ego or the childish need to seek validation from her "lessers". She gave me what I gave her...the respect of honesty and transparency. Something that made her all the more desirable to me. She didn't do it to impress me...she did it because it was who she was. Yet because of how real she was...she also knew my value and what I was all about. She wasn't ready for what I was offering at the time as she had a more conventional life to live out then. This was years ago. I understood it then and I understand it now when others are going through the same. Through it all, she knew that I was all I had shown her to be and continued to reciprocate the same respect I had shown her...even when she felt she hadn't. Hadn't spoken to her in years till just recently. She was not and is not perfect (just like me) but what places her where I place her, is the fact that she was always real with me and "real" for me...means respect and honor.
In my life, I've had folk I cared about speak negatively about me behind my back while pretending all was well. Others, that have kept information from me they thought would've changed my posture towards them without need (gamers move). Information that would have been important for the sake my own expectations and mindset to know. I've had family I had cried over and emotionally invested into straight up lie on me to others. Now mind you that these are very rare but the weight of these rest in what these people meant to me. Each time...brush it off...keep lovin on em. "Humans" gonna "human" you dig? Most of them don't even know that I know what I know and I can guarantee you that I didn't go looking for information. Understand this...that everything you do or say comes to light in one way or another. Due to this and "heavier" reasons...stay "correct"...ALWAYS. Do or say nothing in private you wouldn't mind the consequences of if made public...especially towards the person you're speaking about. I in no way excuse this behavior but there are some folk, you just can't cut out of your life just like that. So the next thing becomes inevitable...you back off internally. Something that may actually be worse but given the way some things go down...sometimes, your self-respect gives you no choice. It is the natural human reaction to some situations and is sometimes just as instinctive as the "this or that" I referenced earlier.
Yeah...but just as this defensive reaction is instinctive given the circumstance, "healing" should be the same but it isn't. THAT...is something we need to choose. My Lord has sustained my love even though I found out today (from my conversation) I've not fully healed from such things. Yet like "so much busted plumbing"...most ain't got no time for that either so what do we instinctively want to do? Run away...hide out...become invisible to most of the world. Things I cannot afford to fully do...nor can those that still need me. To remain who and what I am, I have no choice but to "heal" and that ain't gonna be easy given all that's going on. I suppose that makes it worth it then.
Yeah...this is next level sh*t right here. When (not if) I get through this...I'm wondering what will come out the other end. Interesting. You know, I've learned over time that this is also just another one of those things that..."comes with the gig"...I'm out...
~moses apollo
PS: "What gig?". I tried to explain this to folk that were not "raised" as I was before but was only met with confusion or the simplistic criticism of "he must think he's better than everyone else" when if they really understood, they'd know the exact opposite was true. They'd know that one of the pre-reqs of "the gig"...is "knowing one's place" will NEVER be at the front of the line but folk will think what they need to. So no...I'll not be speaking of that. You all can figure that one out on your own if you should so desire...or not ;-)
I have never in my life had to fight so hard to maintain a soft side to my heart. Someone did something small to me today and I was ready to shut them off completely. Without fanfare or discussion...my head just stepped away. No anger...just a feeling of "its time to go". Almost instinctive. It was the strangest thing. No argument or disagreement beyond a slight annoyance but it felt like the beginnings of being unappreciated, played or taken for granted (even though it really wasn't). Took a few seconds for me to see it inside myself and even then it was hard to shake off. Gotta understand folks, I need to remember this. I don't like this at all. Gotta figure this sh*t out...wtf...
I figure everything is taking its toll but it's never been this bad before. If you're going through this, just know you're not the only one...
Found out today that one of my sons' childhood friends with two kids of his own was almost killed tonight in an attack. Something I sadly write up in a dispassionate way. Why dispassionate? I warned a group of them years ago that you can't choose to walk through a clearly marked door expecting something different on the other side of it. Behind every marked door you can expect two things: what you were warned about and as everything else in life...surprises you just can't see comin. As I type this, all I know is that they are trying to stabilize him. Beyond that...nothing else. I told this young man years ago: "the life you're choosing has a ceiling and beneath that ceiling are the high probabilities of jail, death and everything in between. Your daughters are worth more than that". Being right REALLY sucks sometimes. I pray he is well but this is the road he chose. He was warned, counseled and shown love. Sometimes, that's all we're allowed to do as any more would be overstepping. Something that in some cases can be dangerous. Not just for you...but for others you carry with you as well.
We were treated to a phrase a long time ago that stuck. A phrase spoken to a character named Forrest Gump by his mother:
"Life is like a box of chocolates...you never know what you're gonna get"
Yeah you read that? Well...it's bullsh*t. First thing you know right off the bat...you gettin chocolate. How do you know? It says so right on the damn box. Hell not even the assortment is a mystery as these boxes usually have a legend you can reference. The only thing you don't know is which one you will like more or which one will send you to the bathroom after you've had it with some strong espresso. So why am I hung up on this? Because we instinctively think "what else could I have done to avert this outcome?". A wholly self-important question...especially after doing all you were permitted to do. We, "the strong" think we could control most things to protect those we care about and we seldom factor in "choice". Get this through your head and heart fast: Beyond the made decision...we are done. Beyond that, all we can do is be there for them as they allow us to and hold them up in prayer. It was a hard lesson I had to learn years ago and I once again share it with you now here. Do not carry a weight that is not yours to carry. Especially after you did everything you could and were rebuffed. I don't care who we're talking about...friend, family, lover etc Not only is it wrong and unnecessary for you...but it could be disastrous in bigger ways later on...
You see them in the pit they chose and you're above it minding the rope at the ready to pull them up if they should ever decide to grab it. You think to yourself that maybe you should climb down there with them because of course you should right? Very bold, very daring, very..."loving" right? Except for a couple of things your superhero ass would've missed: Whose minding the rope then? Whose keeping a clear eye? To do so would remove their only lifeline but hey...you're doing ALL you could right? No...like I said many times before: the seemingly "right" thing to do is not always the correct thing. Your job is to stay sober-minded and vigilant. Live out your life as best you can and pray for the best outcome. You need that and one day, hopefully...so will they. They will need that strong arm to pull them up. Result and consequence are God's teaching tools. As hard as it is to watch at times...we cannot rob them of that. Look back on your own life and tell me I'm wrong. Now don't misunderstand me. I write about this dispassionately, not because I no longer care, but because I am so f*ckin tired of seeing this as he is not even close to being the first I've seen this happen to.
As for you my beautiful people. On a general note, always remember this: if you know how to look, most doors will be clearly marked. We learn this through trial and error once we get past our own self-flagellation over the "woulda, coulda, shoulda" phase. Only after we've come to accept that errors in judgment are a part of life and living itself can we see all the markings. We come to learn that every door carries the risk of surprise past the signage. Some good...some bad. Some we know to avoid altogether but ALL should be vetted properly before entering. Each will always carry a level of known expectation based on said signage alone but vet them well and always take your "tools" with you...no matter what.
On a side note: For me, the ones marked "clear roads ahead" are usually the most precarious as I have found out through experience...there is no such thing. It's kinda like reaching into an unmarked box that has what looks like chocolates in it with no legend to reference what is what. You seriously gonna eat that sh*t? Momma Gump obviously did and look how Forrest turned out!!! I REALLY hate that phrase!! Anyway...stay hip, stay sober-minded and please keep this young man and his family in prayer. I'm out...
It continues even outside the scope of what we thought was a fixed point. Beyond the scope of internal growth. Causality, action/reaction and relationship dynamics...all play a part in our evolutionary process. What do I mean? Consider your children or even yourself as a child hitting milestones in life. Milestones that seem to draw you away from friends or family you seem to outgrow. Graduating high school, getting that first degree, your first true love or even moving into your new apartment...all milestones that require loss of baggage in the form of people, places or things. In some cases the outgrowth is real and tangible but in others...it ain't always so cut and dry.
I remember the day I had to take my boys to school for the first time. After taking care of them as infants and toddlers, I now had to drop them off in a strange place. Not knowing if they would feel sad at my absence, if they'd eaten all their food or if their playtime made them laugh. How would these strangers know them well enough to comfort them. Though two years apart, I cried both times and called my then-wife to complain about how much I felt like a sucker for doing so. It felt like a loss but the hard reality was...it was simply evolution.
The transition from one path that diverges into two is probably one of the hardest to quantify. Sometimes we see it comin but we are seldom ever prepared enough to get through it unscathed in one form or another. We get so used to the path we're on, we plan for a future we were shown based on it alone. Not knowing that possibly staying on that path would keep us incomplete for the future we were expecting to materialize. It's a tricky thing to see in the moment of divergence but when the dust of it's overwhelming nature settles...it soon becomes clear enough.
You weren't wrong to see the future you saw. You were only wrong in how you thought you would get there. Destiny is destiny. It's like a lava flow that will burn through everything to create a better path towards the end you were designed for. A design that will always pull you in the direction you are suited for...ready or not. Your heart will show you and your mind will follow. The trick is knowing when your mind is jumping ahead of itself and that is never an easy thing to see, accept...or even course correct. Choices, misdirection, arguments and other incidentals will force the evolutionary process forward. After doing all we can to make sense of it all, all we can do is accept their outcome knowing something profound. What is meant to be...will be.
I know enough to hold fast to what I "know" in my heart to be true and that will never change. The process and the choices others decide to take is out of our control. All I can do is trust my Lord to get me there...and that is enough to keep me at peace with all I see happening around me. The dust is settling and though some things may still look grim, my heart is advancing past the shock of it all into a place of acceptance. There are some you know you've outgrown and yet there are others that needed to venture into a path without you to eventually become what you both will need in a day that was always destined to arrive.
I sail the skies and trust the wind...even as I sit in the eye of the storm. Much love...my beautiful people. Be at peace...
