"Cause my monsters are real, and they're trained how to kill
And there's no comin' back and they just laugh at how I feel
And these monsters can fly, and they'll never say die
And there's no goin' back, if I get trapped I'll never heal
Yeah, my monsters are real..."
Is it pain? Grief? Confusion? I don't think so. This may just be the part of the game where I meet the "Big Boss" before the final prize. Where he overwhelms you by throwing everything at you that you had to face in the game one at a time at different levels. Yeah, that's it...right?
I remember walking into a dentists office years ago with severe pain from an impacted molar. He was the only one I could find at that hour that would take a walk-in. Told him the issue, he sat me down, gave me some local anesthesia and off he went tryin to pull the tooth. What a sight. Here is this dentist with powerlifter arms...sweatin. Tryin to get at this thing while his assistant has this worried look on her face. All of a sudden: "CRACK!!!" Yeah, he got some of the tooth out but it came off the bone. He and his assistant were sportin the hardest "oh sh*t" look I've yet to ever see again on anyone else's face. Why? Well...I started laughing. I found the whole thing preposterous and to be upset would just be stupid. Poor young chick was horrified as I sat there laughing my ass off with blood runnin off the side of my mouth. All I could think of was "yeah, this'll make for a good story". A little sadistic but fun yeah?
Count up all I've been through and am still going through...damn if it ain't funny to me. If you could see the high-rise complex I'm holding up as it gets hit by every manner of storm, sabotage, foolishness, sickness and circumstance, you'd tell me to "let it go" but you see...too many folks live in it and I find it funny that God has me holdin it all up by a beam...ONE beam. It's all I see day in, day out. It's all I eat and drink. I train my body holding it...I make love holding it...I carry it with me everywhere I go. I shower with the freakin thing...and I find it hilarious. The seriousness and the weight of it all is not for the average soul and I wonder sometimes...I just do. To "ask" and only get back the answers you already know can be frustrating while at the same time...oddly comforting. The security of..."knowing"...
Everyone has "issues"...both internal and external. Then some like myself...face real world ordeals of life and death on a pretty average day. The only ones fully aware are the ones directly involved but most will never know it. Nor will most ever appreciate the gravity if I tell them as I will tell them like I'm readin off Tuesdays' special off the corner diner's menu. White noise after midnight seepin off an old school circa 1974 TV set...just for me...
Through it all, I know I'll be alright. My Lord has proven that time and time again. It's just goin through some things bearing and holding fast to all that you are is THE trial of all trials. I tell you the truth: You are not deemed strong by simply getting through an ordeal. You are deemed strong when you've come through with your heart not just intact...but stronger and wiser than it was goin in. So my love, I say to you...endure. After every t's been crossed and every i's been dotted...it's all you've left to do. Much love...
"The king looks out over his balcony into the clear night sky as Clair De Lune plays ever so softly in the backdrop of his room. Gazing into the glory of the fullest moon he sighs as he can still find the silhouette of her pretty face. He finds comfort in this..."
Excerpt taken from: Epiphany Of The Pale Grey by moses apollo
And still more as yet to fathom by all grace granted him, shown him...and loved into him. Understanding now that all what should deem him beautiful is simply the resonance of beauty within the beholder, the taker, the giver, the lover. Both known and unknown, seen and unseen...there is no "beauty" without the power of symbiosis called into play by internal design that so many miss. As yet another dance requiring both to be moved by the same music and just as one is moved by a work of art that touches a portion of ones' very soul...so does this thing we call "beauty".
"So wherein can I boast? says the king. I can be blessed and drawn in by such grace given me...to move another to silliness, lust, love or passion but how can I call such a thing universally mine? I cannot...
Still no fool am I. Nor purposely blind to destiny, fate or design to claim a false humility that appeases the blind and insecure. I acknowledge my place in this dance and will move as I am called to move...with all manner of care and understanding. To do well to implant and supplant through experience, breath or touch of both. Associations that will ever touch to enlighten, breathe to inspire and burn to impassion. To do and be as I am designed to do...and be..."
"My moon has taken breath...her silence has marked her beauty..."
"...is that doggie in the window? The one with that waggley tail"
This is a piece that's been brewin & stewin inside for awhile. Maybe it's time to draw some lines in the sand and be done with it. Might be way too much goin on to get something like this right but I guess we'll see. Just tired of so much superfluous bullsh*t.
In the war-like state, one tends to have heightened senses and I've noticed that in this state, most things done and taken in are exponentially enhanced for the sake of efficacy. This even includes the breaks one takes for intimate moments. It's like sitting to have a snack like a civilized savage that hasn't eaten in weeks every damn time. I am in that state right now due to a serious issue in my family and in this time of enhanced clarity, I've noticed something unrelated that's become a bit disturbing to me. That in this upside down world I've been speaking of, I am as yet surprised that even what is seen as having value today has been turned on it's head.
I've mentioned how we all carry our price tags around our necks whether we mean to or not. Not so we can be bought or sold but as an involuntary expression of our value that is on display everywhere we go. Now every once and awhile, it's important to read the zeitgeist to see what "the market" has determined has value (as opposed to one's TRUE value that's determined by our innermans' unseen best) and I was a bit sick to my stomach when I saw it. I am now looking at a world that has become so "basic" that even the "fetishized" has thrown it's hat into the category of universal beauty. So that even what is both physically AND sexually unhealthy is now validated as "beauty" by clicks on social media. A validation that inadvertently artificially inflates one's value in the eyes of many and sometimes...even in one's own eyes.
Quick note: If you're one of those virtue signalers that needs to adhere to the lie that "everyone is beautiful" (in an outward physical sense) in order to satisfy some form of mass psychosisllyobtained code of self-righteousness...this might not be for your baby eyes to read. This is called the gratuitous "trigger warning"...onward!!!
When every type of "tits, ass and muscle" has more value than heart, truth and real passion...we've got a problem. Now you may say "so says the muscle man that posts pics all the time!!" and you'd be right in your incredulity except for one thing you had yet to take into account: HOW you present what you present is oftentimes way more important than WHAT you present. The photos that get clicks are "oh me so horny, me love you long time" sh*t that attracts folk that could never afford what is actually being presented. I'll give you an example of what I mean: Some chick posts a photo of her vagina with a caption that reads "get some!!" and gets a bunch of likes, hearts and the occasional "what a nice shaped labia you've got there missy!!"...true story!! lol Now take a look at the "likers" and rank the likers or "validators" by what would happen had this been a real life situation. This is when that "validation" loses it's luster. One person that liked your photo wouldn't last 2 seconds in front of you much less get permission from his mother to even see you. Then there's the other dude that looks like he lives in a van and forgot to remove the copious amounts of hard tissue on display behind him off his profile pic. How bout the husband keen on posting pics as a decent man WITHOUT his wedding band. Still keen on this validation? Keep it real or don't keep it all my people. I get very few clicks on my photos because I always present them as something you can ONLY obtain (if obtainable at all) by getting to know my innerman first and THAT is way too much to ask for most. That price tag alone thins the herd substantially. It commands a respect that has some folk shootin their shot via DM so they won't get publically embarrassed (some baby sh*t I would never do unless publically provoked anyway). My price tag is always clear..."I am NOT cheap" and although what I am is easy on paper to somewhat understand, the "living out" of what I am is near impossible for most...especially today. I do myself no favors in this regard because I need to remain true to all I am and if there are to be any suitors...they need to know what they're looking to get into before even trying.
So my "vetting" tweak? You only "get to" if you "get me". If you don't "get me" or have no interest in doing so beyond the "fantastic"...then don't bother even looking my way. I'm too complex to be simplified (quantified, labeled & neatly boxed) and if that comes off as arrogant to anyone reading this...then you're among those that don't "get me". I know my worth all too well and you can speak out your insecurity or virtue signaled false humility all you want to call it whatever your mind needs to call it. Keep it movin, I'm not for you...yeah, I'm gettin "like that". Given all I'm facing now...time has gotten more valuable by the minute. New folks askin or approachin me need to know this from jump: there's no game in my game. Those that know me still left in my corner...this ain't for you but enjoy the piece anyway.
I always said that I would wind up alone or close to it. That the ones that chose to remain with me will be something special. Something beyond ordinary and I always knew there would be very few left by the time that day came along. Not because I'm so great but because it would take women of serious emotional and passionate heft to love a man that chooses to love as true and as freely as I do...even as the same was expected in return. This world gets simpler and dumbed down by the day and some have succumbed to this to remain "relevant". To no longer feel the alien status they've been relegated to by the times, they've just quit growing "realer" as we are meant to over time. Yeah well not me...
I will continue to require critical nuanced thought in all my suitors. To allow those that are willing to connect beyond the physical (before the physical) a bit more access to me than most. Why? It's the only way they'll understand me without having to explain myself every five minutes. Ass, tits and a nice face is cool but nothing beats out peace of mind and ease of expression. Love and passion cannot easily flow free without these two pinnacles. To know that the person that's with you (even for the moment) is WITH you...makes the moment what it should be. Anything less is unacceptable. Trust me I'm fine as I am but I've only amended that to include the possibility for the "extraordinary" to still happen. It may only be a part of the fullness that is my life...but it's "experience" always adds that wanted spice to just about everything else.
Now if there is anything you can glean from this uneasy rant of mine, I truly hope and pray that it was the understanding that you should never sell yourself cheap...even if the times are deceptively telling you that the "piece" you know to be worth 5 dollars is really worth 100 now. Propagated by folk that no matter how much of grandma's birthday money they've saved throughout the years, can't even invest 2 dollars much less the hundred they imply they have. Folks, you have REAL value and it's value that will usually receive no validation in the form of clicks or compliments but when ONE with the same value sees it, it carries way more weight than the hundred that don't. I don't expect compliments on my pieces but when I get one, it has real value. Not because of it's importance to me but because it meant someone was inspired enough by it to do something they wouldn't normally do. Means I did something there that was REAL...get it yet? I'm out my beautiful people...
Been wanting to write about this for a long time now but other topics have drawn my attention. I guess now is as good a time as any...
Scenario 1: A dear family member of yours is goin through serious mental and /or substance abuse issues. Leans on you for support at first but when you start realizing your "enabling" and pull back, in their narrative you then not only become the enemy...but the very reason for their plight. End result...guilt sets in and you are now vulnerable to manipulation.
Scenario 2: A close family member was at one time subsequently hurt by a decision you made that ended badly. Your reasoning and deductions were natural and pure but the unanticipated happened and they got hurt in the process. Some time after the incident, you two get into an argument and the family member notices that you are now more pliable with them than you used to be. They come to understand that residual guilt has given them the upper hand and use this to their advantage towards control. End result...guilt sets in and you are now vulnerable to manipulation.
Take a look at what these two have in common...guilt. I have seen guilt destroy more lives than I can count and in almost every case...it was completely unjustified as the acts they felt guilty for were things anybody could have done given the same circumstance. In scenario 1 however...that's just a play on ones sense of "goodness". These targets are usually people that believe doing good in every situation is doing "right" and that is NOT always the same thing. Yes, to help is always a good thing but sometimes, it can actually do more harm than good as you can actually be depriving them of a hard lesson they actually need to learn. I can give many examples of this in my own life but scenario 2 is the hardest to get through.
In scenario 2, something happened that can be tied to a decision you made and learning to let that go takes understanding that your humanity (that is shared by every other human on this planet) was involved. It's coming to terms that it's not an excuse to accept this reality (especially if you are contrite) but it is in fact...a reason. It usually happens to folk that believed their formula to judge a thing was so on point they could do no wrong...hand raised. Due to our life lessons on a thing, we come to believe our "intuition" and/or reasoning on said thing is now bulletproof and needs no "vetting" and that my beautiful people...is all too human. After enough of these "errors", we can either shut down and decide our judgment is shot, never to trust it again...or we can fine tune our judgment referencing what we missed by learning to "vet" a thing better.
Yet before anything else, we need to accept something: what happened to you was life in process. That life throws us unanticipated curve balls we cannot always see coming. If after that curve ball is handled properly, you must now let it go and learn from it. Know that it has not defeated you and that whatever residual guilt you feel from it is misplaced. As such...it should NEVER be used against you. Even by those that were hurt in the process of your mistake. Take back your place, power and authority. Trust that your judgment has course corrected and walk the path you know you were meant to walk...as opposed to the path you've convinced yourself is the only path you CAN walk based on a fear that should no longer exist.
To admit this is hard to do but to accept anything less than your true worth demands is way worse. How you allow yourself to be treated and/or seen speaks to what price you place on your own value. If you know your worth...never settle for anything less. Whether intended or not...our pricetags are always on display. Never artificially remove zeros based on an unforeseen error. Be free of it...and live as you were meant to. Shine as you meant to...without fear... I'm out...
“He who blames others has a long way to go on his journey. He who blames himself is halfway there. He who blames no one has arrived.”
"I bleed it out, take it deeper, just to throw it away..."
"i believe destiny to be the best outcome based on our internal design & fate to be the furthest your destiny can take you. yet BOTH are based on certain set parameters that are informed by our choices..."
I posted this on Twitter on April 15th 2022.
Some of us are designed to be the greater engine that houses all the smaller parts. While others may be that one cog in the engine that makes sure fuel flows properly. Others...the frame that holds it all together and still others...the outer body representing its design. Not all of these are sexy enough to be lauded or seen but ALL hold true to their purpose in the end. For either the good...or the detriment...of the whole.
Now some may rest on this idea and say there is nothing for them to "do" but that is a fallacy. The effectiveness of your design is based on preparation. Preparation's unique course that is set by the choices we make in life. To understand this so young is dangerous but to learn this too old...foolish.
Yesterday I faced the pinnacles of faith and fear to depths I've not had to for awhile. Even with specific warnings of events, you are never prepared for certain things but how we advance in our perception and subsequent attitude make all the difference in the world. This not only serves to reveal us...but also to prepare us based on our design.
I felt it all...and still do. My heart in my stomach, the chaos in the air and the desperation of the unknown. For a few hours...fear. That is until my Lord reminded me in the sternest way possible who I was in Him but more importantly...who HE was in me. My heart beats heavy but is now in my chest where it belongs. Chaos is ordered as it should be and the unknown is in the hands of the One that warned us of this in the first place. This is how we grow. It's when the chisel meets the stone of our existence. Who we are is defined by such things and I pray to get through it at not MY best...but HIS.
This is a record of my dream dated August the 2nd 2022. I don't usually post dreams on this blog but this one may have significance to a few readers that may stumble upon it. It did for me...
In the next scene, I was walking with my friend in a field that was in front of the house. I remember that as I made my friend laugh, color began seeping onto her face, only to have her shake it off herself. Like she knew the gray and had decided that it was now part of her existence. I also knew that asking about the sorrow and despair would have yielded a response of ignorance to it since it had become the "norm" for her and everything else in the air. It wasn't that she had chosen it. It was as though it came with a built-in coping mechanism so long as it could make it's way into the fabric of her life. Everything was just so surreal at this point.
As we walked into town, I noticed splotches of color here and there but for the most part, monochrome gray was the norm there too. Everything and everyone seemed productive...but lifeless and bland. No smiling or interaction...pure focus. THIS was now considered "life". In that very moment, I had a moment of clarity: The world (individuals and collectively) had suffered losses in the past few years and in many cases, have been too busy or too locked down to find the proper closure for such losses. A perfect example would be the loved ones lost to "covid" whose families were not permitted to render their proper goodbyes. Many examples like this and others...all just trudging along with the pain of multiple losses until it became a part of them...a way of life. No time for hope, understanding or love to take their proper place in a healthy heart and/or mind...no time to really heal. It is to the point where as opposed to dealing with it, they have made deep sorrow a cog for balance. Like one of the four legs of their favorite chair and God forbid anything should disrupt that. It's not that it's preferred...it's just become a part of the make-up without anyone even noticing.
On my dream "tour" I asked out loud "what could I do about this?" The response? "Nothing...that's up to them...". As soon as I heard this answer fading in a distance, I woke up physically swatting what felt like a creeping shadow off my chest. In the dream...it was a creeping sorrow doing its best to crawl onto my heart.
Typing this out now, I realize that this is way bigger than "you", "me" and/or "us". As the bigger picture comes into focus, I see us all futilely trying to treat the symptoms of a much larger disease as it stays hidden behind the treatments themselves. No...I'm NOT giving up. I will lose many in my process to stay alive due to the differences we may encounter but I refuse to lose myself to the idea that everything is sh*t and that the best we could do is watch where we step every second of every day.
There are two mindsets that can place us in states of what some consider "zen". Both are mindsets of acceptance that place one in a state of "f*ck it". One is healthy...one is deceptively unhealthy and as such...dangerous. The healthy "f*ck it" mindset is coupled with a strong self-awareness and accepts the world as it is. Realizing that the only thing we CAN control...is how we choose to respond to it. Retaining our choice to see beauty in the face of ugliness. The unhealthy "f*ck it" mindset that permeated the spaces of my dream did not just simply accept the world as it is but it also relinquished control of any fight against it's internal changes. It created even more ceilings, boxes and safety protocols. Internal "masks", "curfews" and/or "no-go zones" if you like. Like living in an internal apocalypse. That to exist to survive was to live. An exact spiritual parallel to how we were told to survive this so-called pandemic. Yeah that just hit me. Now, I don't know what this will mean to some (if anything at all) but I know what it means to me. My course is set...I'm out...
"al horizonte aunque no exista al horizonte voy..."
Monday morning is tricky today as melancholic clouds appear outside my window & do their best to make themselves at home in the orbit of my mind. For no ryhme or reason, I resist their invitations like a monk sworn to celibacy. Both blessed and cursed to love and despise...to feel and to be numb. To both laugh and cry as this holy horizon I've been waiting for can finally be seen from a distance like spotting land after being at sea for years. I know what it will mean to arrive...
In the silence of my quiet, I can feel the last gasp and grasp of something dying inside. Something I never thought I'd lose feels lost today. That "something" that inspired a constant love no matter what seems to be slipping by the day and at this very moment...I feel indifferent to it. Maybe it's the day or maybe it's the way but in either case, it's a part of me I don't want to lose. I'm just so tired of fighting to keep it in the face of all this world is producing...but as always...
Years ago I began this blog as a way to chronicle a new beginning. One that began after my divorce and the subsequent break-up of the first relationship I had after it. It has served to help hone my skills as a writer and more than this...as an artist hungry to become a brutally honest one. Ridding myself of facades others have created for me that although safe...limited my effectiveness of the man I was and the man I was to become.
All inspired by a break-up that became intense over time. Now years old...settled into memories I hold dear to this day. For the past few mornings, I've been feeling a thing that only a handful would understand so what I believe it is will remain with me but a distant memory has so far almost always accompanied it. A seeming unrelated memory that inspires a fond laughter today but at the time of its occurrence...had me confounded to say the least.
For the sake of context, I begin by explaining that the relationship I was in began as a long distance one and as such, I made it a habit of sending songs (etc.) as I always believed "presence" was important. One does what one can given the circumstances in any situation and that for me was my "go-to". Each selection was thought through...as were the words attached along with it. In truth, it would take me about an hour at times to put it all together. Folks, when it comes to "touching" from afar...you need to do it right. One day, I decided to send "I Get Along Without You Very Well". One of THE most romantic songs ever written. It detailed the longing and pining of someone having a hard time admitting just how bad they were feeling without the person they loved being around. The text I got back shocked the hell out of me.
It was actually sent the next day. She had asked me how I could break up with her through a song via text. That such a thing was beneath me. That I should have spoken to her instead of "THIS"...yeah and she was serious. She had most likely stewed over this and sought advice from friends (etc) for a whole day before "confronting me" about this evil I had done. The person that sent that text...was DONE. She was so sure I had done her wrong...she was absolutely convinced it was over. As for me? Flummoxed beyond belief.
I didn't know what emotion to tackle first. I knew it was clear she didn't even hear the song and if she had?...well? I didn't even want to accept the conclusion of what that could mean. I mean...she was intelligent. After I settled my mind, I explained what the song meant but all the while I'm thinkin: "damn, this is clear in the song though!!" It's not a tricky song you know? It took only a few seconds to explain before the light bulb went on and God bless her soul, she felt so bad. In all I was feeling, I just wanted to give her a hug...and there is the fondness of the moment. I can envision her curling into a ball of embarrassment and to me, that was an endearing image. Like a cute "oops" moment...organic and real.
Yet after the dust had settled, I wondered to myself how something like that could happen. Here is an intelligent woman yes, but a woman that has gone through emotional turmoil as well. With a defense mechanism that had no problem fightin dirty if it felt her back was up against the wall. I thought she was too quick to assume the worst of me after all this time being together and at least that part of it...hurt like a mother. Knowing I've never shown myself to be someone with the character to do such a thing...it was almost as if she was waiting for it. Not because she didn't want to be with me...but because it was always something she expected would happen.
Years later, after our break-up, I realized that this may have been something she needed to be able to "let go". You see, we didn't break up over a fight or a disagreement...it was an understanding that it wouldn't work out. We'd still talk at times as friends but I soon began to notice a more hostile tone and a re-imagining of prior events where I was now the "villain of the story" to which after some thought and introspection...she came to apologize for. She'd later confess to me that she didn't know why I would engender that in her...but I came to understand it.
In all her years, like most humans, she had become hard-wired to end relationships as someone scorned or victimized or in the least, someone that "caught" the "red flags". In truth...taking on this mindset is preferred because in it, there is no doubt that leaving the relationship is the best option for oneself. When things are left amicably...the mind can suffer conflict over whether or not what was done was the "right decision". Now I could imagine what was said about me during this process and although an apology was forthcoming, whatever damage was done...was done. Nothing I could do about it anyway so I let it go and chalked it up to another life lesson.
Some may think I'm speaking ill of her but on the contrary. Most people wouldn't have reached out to apologize or much less have figured out where they went wrong. That simple act revealed to me that I was right about her all along. Not that she was perfect but that she was someone on her way to becoming greater than she was already and I really pray that's happened. A lot happened in that relationship, it's been years and she's since married but my fondness for her remains to this day.
Now some of you may say: "You got the short end of that deal" and you'd be right but what mattered more to me was that someone I loved got through what they needed to...however they needed to. So long as there was no real damage to me (and ego is bullsh*t) or mine, I could let it go and wait for resolution (if it came or not). "Oh Moses!! How noble!!"...no. Just the fool in love willing to take a soft hit. I used to need to be "right" and "liked"...a train I got off of a long time ago. Now? I just want what I want (just caught myself staring at the screen blankly) and what is it that I want exactly? I guess you'll know when you see it...maybe.
Ok, so you read this and think what? That I think I'm better than you? If you're thinkin that then maybe you're one of those folk keepin your eyes open for intricate calculations and red flags only so-called "intelligent" folk can find. Beautiful, solid folk too damn "smart" for their own good. No...I'm letting you know that even the best of us go through this and that no matter how old we are...or even how wise...we will always have rhyme and reason to be able to say "I don't know", "I was wrong" or even..."damn...I'm not sure". Everything I've ever written about here, I've battled with myself and still don't have it perfected. I suspect I never will...but I will never stop trying.
This was not about mental intelligence or wisdom. This my people, is about the nuance (there's that word again!!) of emotional intelligence. So many of us know that the engine "runs" the car but very few of us know how to tweak the engine to make it run at proficiency levels they were designed to be truly capable of. That requires understanding the nuances of the engine. Now, if you think our mind is the only part of us that uses "boxes" and "labels" to quantify a thing...think again. There is nuance in everything and being able to identify it is the key to knowing the ultimate truth of things. A settlement that leads to knowing whether or not our decisions and/or conclusions were not only sound...but correct. It's the difference between seeing something as an "error", a "wrong"...or an "evil" and the beginning of acquiring an understanding that affords us the ability to forgive another...or even ourselves. I'm out...
Oh my beautiful people, it's been awhile. Yes, I know I wrote a piece before this one but that was more of a reminder to myself about things I was sorting out (only a handful could tell by the format). A declaration of sorts about how I am choosing to live my life. Mainly due to how things have drastically changed. I am under the impression someone took it wrong but that's not on me.
You see in my first act, I chose to delve into uncertain waters to learn seas I was destined to navigate. In my second...I made a home on it's shoreline. Yet an unexpected storm has turned what I once knew as an oasis...into something else. Where these waters at one time were a viable option for most, they are now waters I am learning most are unready for. Once a place of solace and safety, now a place littered with warning signs and brochures tossed about by tourists. Has the water changed? Or the landscaping? No my loves...the people have...
These waters were once an oasis for poets, lovers, dancers, painters, musicians & the beautiful people they would bring along. Easy to get to as they were an active part of this world. Now...just a desolate place where the ones that are able to enter are sometimes deformed and damaged by the realities of their everyday life. Something you wouldn't see before. They were able to leave all that weight outside before entering. Now...it's tethered to their souls. Something purposefully done by the "rulers of this age" to control and weaponize the hearts that beat in passion. To turn the "elf"...into an "orc". I could detail how and why this was done but that's not what this piece is about. This is about a place that still exists but has been lost by way of legend and disbelief.
Those that used to frequent these places have decided to turn inwards to preserve the abstract and the surreal that has now been replaced by the square and the triangle. "Convention" is survival these days and there is no longer any room for the freedom to breathe out newly designed colors that say "I love you" or even something as encouraging as..."everything is gonna be ok". The standard "check this box" perpetuated by pseudo and pop psychology has seeped into every part of life to the point where even "evil" is diagnosed based on youtube videos cheekily entitled "5 things to look out for to know someone is evil" (I'm not kidding). Creating mental and emotional automatons unable to think for themselves because they have accepted the lie that this somehow classifies as "intelligent". All the while, unaware that they have bought into a kind of religion whose dogma does not allow for deviation of any kind and THIS is where the abstract, the surreal and the nuanced that adds spice to life...dies. Everything is questioned and analyzed until it's true meaning is twisted and crushed to fit into one of them tidy little checkboxes.
So what to do? Just deal and roll with it. My oasis has become internalized so that it takes even longer to get there. No obvious roadsigns and some roads are even darkened on purpose to evade the cosplayers. It is not for the risk averse but still as yet accessible to those that can "manage" risk. Where once my hearts' door was completely open, I now keep the chain on to "manage" risk but I will NEVER close it completely as some have found it needful to do and I say this not as a criticism...but with an ever exceeding heavy heart.
Folks, I have come to understand that one of my roles in this world is to inspire and protect hearts that still beat in passion and I have seen a few close to me needfully choose the risk averse life. A life that justifiably cannot allow too big a flame for fear of complete destruction. They chose this, not because they were weak, stupid or failed in life...but because they could not afford to be any other way. They've been through much and carry too much in this new world. They can't afford to close their eyes or breathe untested air as most new breath has turned out to be toxic to them and their own. Souls that have gone through this will obviously come to find those checkboxes pretty handy right about now. To them, structure (from wherever it comes from) is primary. I know this because I lived it for years early on in life but if I had known then what I know now...I could have had both but that is a discussion for another time. These days, I could never go that route as it is a route that closes me and others off to the oasis I've created. Yet this is MY conclusion and it doesn't mean I am judging them as some of them do me. Given what I know of their circumstances, I don't blame them for it and maybe someday that might change but for now...who I am will love them anyway. That will mean whatever it means or...whatever they need it to mean.
As for me...my oasis is a beautiful place. There is freedom and only the pure of heart can enter. Only the sincere...only the true. They come and go as they please. For them, there is no longer a chain on the door as they have been vetted and they can always find me there...
Now...for the rest ;-) I'm out...
~moses apollo
PS: I can really be annoying huh? Deal with it lol
ok, i'm gonna touch on something that might cause some of you to clutch your pearls. i'm actually hoping for a "well!!...i never!!" but that's overshooting because it's an 80's thing. a man can dream though. ok...you ready?
folks...there IS a difference between sailing...& steering an engine powered boat. damn right i said it!! sadly because not everyone has the experience, the "basic" will claim it's the same thing & come to foolishly trivialize the majesty of "riding the wind" & those that desire to experience such a thing.
if i described the feeling of releasing the sails to catch the wind you feel on your skin, what imagery does that conjure in your mind? no doubt what you've seen on tv or what you've read or even heard about from others but to experience this yourself is a whole nother matter. it's something that requires all of your attention & if i were to wax poetic, i'd even go so far as to say...it's an exchange of energy between you & mother nature herself. so no, it is NOT the same as steering an engine powered boat & if you think so & insist upon this, then for you...your boating experience will always be limited to getting from point A to point B. an experience you can get driving your Volvo with the windows down...on a windy day. functional, important & "cool" in a Manilow-esque kind of way...but basic & mundane.
ok now...take what you've just read & replace the word "sailing" with "making love" & the words "steering an engine powered boat" with "having sex"...uh oh!! some of you "ethereals" and/or "keepin it real" folk will want to use "coupling" for "making love" and/or "f*cking" for "having sex". whatever floats your boat...i'm easy. back to it...
from all i've seen, most folk that ARE physically engaging (tearin one off to pornhub doesn't count) are having sex but VERY few...are actually making love. why? they simply don't know the difference. they believe they are because it's all they've ever really experienced & have convinced themselves there is no difference between the two. they've come to accept that "busting a nut" is all that matters. oh it definitely matters...but what makes it matter slightly less? when there's real connection & HERE is where the difference lay. it's the difference between doing something TO someone & doing something WITH them or even...FOR them. where even the quality of the "bust" is actually enhanced...
it's "connection" that makes ALL the difference in the world. the sharing of an energy that is both mental & even spiritual (NOT the same thing) manifesting itself in the physical is an experience that is never "cookie cutter" or "one size fits all". it's a symbiosis of unique vibration that makes it's own music. where ALL of you & ALL of her is intertwined into something you trust losing yourself in the moment to. sounds both poetic & magical yeah? well...it is. look, this might be hard to believe, but i dig busting a nut as much as the next man & sometimes, your woman's gonna want just that but after having experienced truly making love, i have chosen to seek in any potential partner a versatility that can handle both & for that...there MUST be true connection.
believe it or not, this is why i can count all my sexual partners on two hands. i "vet" ad nauseum to find this & it ain't always a straight line. i seek this yes, but i seek this only once connection is established because i believe connection takes care of all the rest. to make this clear: "lover" is NOT synonymous with "slut". even if society has blurred that line...i have not & neither should you.
i realize "the times" have caused many to accept what once was deemed "settling" in such matters of depth. where "surface" is enough in this area so long as other boxes are checked off but in my experience, both men & women that have done this eventually come to a place of shock when they realize they can no longer deny the truth...that they've "settled" in an area they thought unimportant. something they've denied to press on. it can cause feelings of resentment & inadequacy later on & they eventually come to seek out those that have not "settled" (internally and/or externally)...even at the expense of risking all they have. why? because they fell for the "it's not that important" bullsh*t. again...something that is only true if you've never tasted the fullness of it all.
folks, it should never be an easy thing to choose a partner, mate, companion or even "a buddy" as things will shift depending on your circumstances or where you are along your journey but know this: a square is a square & should be treated as such. to entreat it as if it were a circle is an unsustainable situation that will lead to disappointment. in all your "vetting"...short change nothing you know you will need to make it work. watch them as they choose what path they would take unpressured. sometimes, you will find that what you were willing to bring to the table is not what they wanted or needed after all. be fine with it. not only because you love them but because you may have just saved yourselves some potential grief. so let the "mate" be a mate, let the "partner" be a partner. i've been a few of these & in each case, after real connection was established, what was important to me remained so & it still does to this day. pickings are slim & it don't look like things are getting any better in this society but i refuse to water down the truth that is the fullness of my passion...but then again...that's just me.
