The Monochrome Gray...

"make living what you want it to be..."

This is a record of my dream dated August the 2nd 2022. I don't usually post dreams on this blog but this one may have significance to a few readers that may stumble upon it. It did for me...

I was dropped off in a rural area...literally flown in. In front of what looked to be a friend of mine's house. What struck me the most right away was that everything was monochrome gray and what could only be interpreted as deep sorrow and despair permeated the air. I noticed hints of neon blue light seeping from hidden places. As though this light had been stashed away for either safe keeping or décor. As I got closer to the house, I noticed that the house had melded with a huge likeness of my friend sitting in a meditative pose but instead of the peace one would expect from such a design...it reeked of heavy sorrow. You could feel it crawling...almost like sweat on skin. 

In the next scene, I was walking with my friend in a field that was in front of the house. I remember that as I made my friend laugh, color began seeping onto her face, only to have her shake it off herself. Like she knew the gray and had decided that it was now part of her existence. I also knew that asking about the sorrow and despair would have yielded a response of ignorance to it since it had become the "norm" for her and everything else in the air. It wasn't that she had chosen it. It was as though it came with a built-in coping mechanism so long as it could make it's way into the fabric of her life. Everything was just so surreal at this point.

As we walked into town, I noticed splotches of color here and there but for the most part, monochrome gray was the norm there too. Everything and everyone seemed productive...but lifeless and bland. No smiling or interaction...pure focus. THIS was now considered "life". In that very moment, I had a moment of clarity: The world (individuals and collectively) had suffered losses in the past few years and in many cases, have been too busy or too locked down to find the proper closure for such losses. A perfect example would be the loved ones lost to "covid" whose families were not permitted to render their proper goodbyes. Many examples like this and others...all just trudging along with the pain of multiple losses until it became a part of them...a way of life. No time for hope, understanding or love to take their proper place in a healthy heart and/or mind...no time to really heal. It is to the point where as opposed to dealing with it, they have made deep sorrow a cog for balance. Like one of the four legs of their favorite chair and God forbid anything should disrupt that. It's not that it's preferred...it's just become a part of the make-up without anyone even noticing.

On my dream "tour" I asked out loud "what could I do about this?" The response? "Nothing...that's up to them...". As soon as I heard this answer fading in a distance, I woke up physically swatting what felt like a creeping shadow off my chest. In the dream...it was a creeping sorrow doing its best to crawl onto my heart. 

Typing this out now, I realize that this is way bigger than "you", "me" and/or "us". As the bigger picture comes into focus, I see us all futilely trying to treat the symptoms of a much larger disease as it stays hidden behind the treatments themselves. No...I'm NOT giving up. I will lose many in my process to stay alive due to the differences we may encounter but I refuse to lose myself to the idea that everything is sh*t and that the best we could do is watch where we step every second of every day. 

There are two mindsets that can place us in states of what some consider "zen". Both are mindsets of acceptance that place one in a state of "f*ck it". One is healthy...one is deceptively unhealthy and as such...dangerous. The healthy "f*ck it" mindset is coupled with a strong self-awareness and accepts the world as it is. Realizing that the only thing we CAN control...is how we choose to respond to it. Retaining our choice to see beauty in the face of ugliness. The unhealthy "f*ck it" mindset that permeated the spaces of my dream did not just simply accept the world as it is but it also relinquished control of any fight against it's internal changes. It created even more ceilings, boxes and safety protocols. Internal "masks", "curfews" and/or "no-go zones" if you like. Like living in an internal apocalypse. That to exist to survive was to live. An exact spiritual parallel to how we were told to survive this so-called pandemic. Yeah that just hit me. Now, I don't know what this will mean to some (if anything at all) but I know what it means to me. My course is set...I'm out...

~moses apollo

El Horizonte...

"al horizonte
aunque no exista
al horizonte voy..."

Monday morning is tricky today as melancholic clouds appear outside my window & do their best to make themselves at home in the orbit of my mind. For no ryhme or reason, I resist their invitations like a monk sworn to celibacy. Both blessed and cursed to love and despise...to feel and to be numb. To both laugh and cry as this holy horizon I've been waiting for can finally be seen from a distance like spotting land after being at sea for years. I know what it will mean to arrive...

In the silence of my quiet, I can feel the last gasp and grasp of something dying inside. Something I never thought I'd lose feels lost today. That "something" that inspired a constant love no matter what seems to be slipping by the day and at this very moment...I feel indifferent to it. Maybe it's the day or maybe it's the way but in either case, it's a part of me I don't want to lose. I'm just so tired of fighting to keep it in the face of all this world is producing...but as always...

"this too shall pass..." 

right?...

~moses apollo 

I Get Along Without You Very Well...

"of course I do..."

Years ago I began this blog as a way to chronicle a new beginning. One that began after my divorce and the subsequent break-up of the first relationship I had after it. It has served to help hone my skills as a writer and more than this...as an artist hungry to become a brutally honest one. Ridding myself of facades others have created for me that although safe...limited my effectiveness of the man I was and the man I was to become. 

All inspired by a break-up that became intense over time. Now years old...settled into memories I hold dear to this day. For the past few mornings, I've been feeling a thing that only a handful would understand so what I believe it is will remain with me but a distant memory has so far almost always accompanied it. A seeming unrelated memory that inspires a fond laughter today but at the time of its occurrence...had me confounded to say the least.

For the sake of context, I begin by explaining that the relationship I was in began as a long distance one and as such, I made it a habit of sending songs (etc.) as I always believed "presence" was important. One does what one can given the circumstances in any situation and that for me was my "go-to". Each selection was thought through...as were the words attached along with it. In truth, it would take me about an hour at times to put it all together. Folks, when it comes to "touching" from afar...you need to do it right. One day, I decided to send "I Get Along Without You Very Well". One of THE most romantic songs ever written. It detailed the longing and pining of someone having a hard time admitting just how bad they were feeling without the person they loved being around. The text I got back shocked the hell out of me.

It was actually sent the next day. She had asked me how I could break up with her through a song via text. That such a thing was beneath me. That I should have spoken to her instead of "THIS"...yeah and she was serious. She had most likely stewed over this and sought advice from friends (etc) for a whole day before "confronting me" about this evil I had done. The person that sent that text...was DONE. She was so sure I had done her wrong...she was absolutely convinced it was over. As for me? Flummoxed beyond belief. 

I didn't know what emotion to tackle first. I knew it was clear she didn't even hear the song and if she had?...well? I didn't even want to accept the conclusion of what that could mean. I mean...she was intelligent. After I settled my mind, I explained what the song meant but all the while I'm thinkin: "damn, this is clear in the song though!!" It's not a tricky song you know? It took only a few seconds to explain before the light bulb went on and God bless her soul, she felt so bad. In all I was feeling, I just wanted to give her a hug...and there is the fondness of the moment. I can envision her curling into a ball of embarrassment and to me, that was an endearing image. Like a cute "oops" moment...organic and real.

Yet after the dust had settled, I wondered to myself how something like that could happen. Here is an intelligent woman yes, but a woman that has gone through emotional turmoil as well. With a defense mechanism that had no problem fightin dirty if it felt her back was up against the wall. I thought she was too quick to assume the worst of me after all this time being together and at least that part of it...hurt like a mother. Knowing I've never shown myself to be someone with the character to do such a thing...it was almost as if she was waiting for it. Not because she didn't want to be with me...but because it was always something she expected would happen.

Years later, after our break-up, I realized that this may have been something she needed to be able to "let go". You see, we didn't break up over a fight or a disagreement...it was an understanding that it wouldn't work out. We'd still talk at times as friends but I soon began to notice a more hostile tone and a re-imagining of prior events where I was now the "villain of the story" to which after some thought and introspection...she came to apologize for. She'd later confess to me that she didn't know why I would engender that in her...but I came to understand it.

In all her years, like most humans, she had become hard-wired to end relationships as someone scorned or victimized or in the least, someone that "caught" the "red flags". In truth...taking on this mindset is preferred because in it, there is no doubt that leaving the relationship is the best option for oneself. When things are left amicably...the mind can suffer conflict over whether or not what was done was the "right decision". Now I could imagine what was said about me during this process and although an apology was forthcoming, whatever damage was done...was done. Nothing I could do about it anyway so I let it go and chalked it up to another life lesson.

Some may think I'm speaking ill of her but on the contrary. Most people wouldn't have reached out to apologize or much less have figured out where they went wrong. That simple act revealed to me that I was right about her all along. Not that she was perfect but that she was someone on her way to becoming greater than she was already and I really pray that's happened. A lot happened in that relationship, it's been years and she's since married but my fondness for her remains to this day.

Now some of you may say: "You got the short end of that deal" and you'd be right but what mattered more to me was that someone I loved got through what they needed to...however they needed to. So long as there was no real damage to me (and ego is bullsh*t) or mine, I could let it go and wait for resolution (if it came or not). "Oh Moses!! How noble!!"...no. Just the fool in love willing to take a soft hit. I used to need to be "right" and "liked"...a train I got off of a long time ago. Now? I just want what I want (just caught myself staring at the screen blankly) and what is it that I want exactly? I guess you'll know when you see it...maybe.

Ok, so you read this and think what? That I think I'm better than you? If you're thinkin that then maybe you're one of those folk keepin your eyes open for intricate calculations and red flags only so-called "intelligent" folk can find. Beautiful, solid folk too damn "smart" for their own good. No...I'm letting you know that even the best of us go through this and that no matter how old we are...or even how wise...we will always have rhyme and reason to be able to say "I don't know", "I was wrong" or even..."damn...I'm not sure". Everything I've ever written about here, I've battled with myself and still don't have it perfected. I suspect I never will...but I will never stop trying. 

This was not about mental intelligence or wisdom. This my people, is about the nuance (there's that word again!!) of emotional intelligence. So many of us know that the engine "runs" the car but very few of us know how to tweak the engine to make it run at proficiency levels they were designed to be truly capable of. That requires understanding the nuances of the engine. Now, if you think our mind is the only part of us that uses "boxes" and "labels" to quantify a thing...think again. There is nuance in everything and being able to identify it is the key to knowing the ultimate truth of things. A settlement that leads to knowing whether or not our decisions and/or conclusions were not only sound...but correct. It's the difference between seeing something as an "error", a "wrong"...or an "evil" and the beginning of acquiring an understanding that affords us the ability to forgive another...or even ourselves. I'm out...

~moses

My Oasis...

"Nobody gets too much love anymore

It's as high as a mountain & harder to climb..."

Oh my beautiful people, it's been awhile. Yes, I know I wrote a piece before this one but that was more of a reminder to myself about things I was sorting out (only a handful could tell by the format). A declaration of sorts about how I am choosing to live my life. Mainly due to how things have drastically changed. I am under the impression someone took it wrong but that's not on me.

You see in my first act, I chose to delve into uncertain waters to learn seas I was destined to navigate. In my second...I made a home on it's shoreline. Yet an unexpected storm has turned what I once knew as an oasis...into something else. Where these waters at one time were a viable option for most, they are now waters I am learning most are unready for. Once a place of solace and safety, now a place littered with warning signs and brochures tossed about by tourists. Has the water changed? Or the landscaping? No my loves...the people have...

These waters were once an oasis for poets, lovers, dancers, painters, musicians & the beautiful people they would bring along. Easy to get to as they were an active part of this world. Now...just a desolate place where the ones that are able to enter are sometimes deformed and damaged by the realities of their everyday life. Something you wouldn't see before. They were able to leave all that weight outside before entering. Now...it's tethered to their souls. Something purposefully done by the "rulers of this age" to control and weaponize the hearts that beat in passion. To turn the "elf"...into an "orc".  I could detail how and why this was done but that's not what this piece is about. This is about a place that still exists but has been lost by way of legend and disbelief.

Those that used to frequent these places have decided to turn inwards to preserve the abstract and the surreal that has now been replaced by the square and the triangle. "Convention" is survival these days and there is no longer any room for the freedom to breathe out newly designed colors that say "I love you" or even something as encouraging as..."everything is gonna be ok". The standard "check this box" perpetuated by pseudo and pop psychology has seeped into every part of life to the point where even "evil" is diagnosed based on youtube videos cheekily entitled "5 things to look out for to know someone is evil" (I'm not kidding). Creating mental and emotional automatons unable to think for themselves because they have accepted the lie that this somehow classifies as "intelligent". All the while, unaware that they have bought into a kind of religion whose dogma does not allow for deviation of any kind and THIS is where the abstract, the surreal and the nuanced that adds spice to life...dies. Everything is questioned and analyzed until it's true meaning is twisted and crushed to fit into one of them tidy little checkboxes. 

So what to do? Just deal and roll with it. My oasis has become internalized so that it takes even longer to get there. No obvious roadsigns and some roads are even darkened on purpose to evade the cosplayers. It is not for the risk averse but still as yet accessible to those that can "manage" risk. Where once my hearts' door was completely open, I now keep the chain on to "manage" risk but I will NEVER close it completely as some have found it needful to do and I say this not as a criticism...but with an ever exceeding heavy heart. 

Folks, I have come to understand that one of my roles in this world is to inspire and protect hearts that still beat in passion and I have seen a few close to me needfully choose the risk averse life. A life that justifiably cannot allow too big a flame for fear of complete destruction. They chose this, not because they were weak, stupid or failed in life...but because they could not afford to be any other way. They've been through much and carry too much in this new world. They can't afford to close their eyes or breathe untested air as most new breath has turned out to be toxic to them and their own. Souls that have gone through this will obviously come to find those checkboxes pretty handy right about now. To them, structure (from wherever it comes from) is primary. I know this because I lived it for years early on in life but if I had known then what I know now...I could have had both but that is a discussion for another time. These days, I could never go that route as it is a route that closes me and others off to the oasis I've created. Yet this is MY conclusion and it doesn't mean I am judging them as some of them do me. Given what I know of their circumstances, I don't blame them for it and maybe someday that might change but for now...who I am will love them anyway. That will mean whatever it means or...whatever they need it to mean.

As for me...my oasis is a beautiful place. There is freedom and only the pure of heart can enter. Only the sincere...only the true. They come and go as they please. For them, there is no longer a chain on the door as they have been vetted and they can always find me there...

Now...for the rest ;-) I'm out...

~moses apollo 

PS: I can really be annoying huh? Deal with it lol

That's Just Me...

"I'm not talking about moving in

and I don't want to change your life..."

ok, i'm gonna touch on something that might cause some of you to clutch your pearls. i'm actually hoping for a "well!!...i never!!" but that's overshooting because it's an 80's thing. a man can dream though. ok...you ready?  

folks...there IS a difference between sailing...& steering an engine powered boat. damn right i said it!! sadly because not everyone has the experience, the "basic" will claim it's the same thing & come to foolishly trivialize the majesty of "riding the wind" & those that desire to experience such a thing.

if i described the feeling of releasing the sails to catch the wind you feel on your skin, what imagery does that conjure in your mind? no doubt what you've seen on tv or what you've read or even heard about from others but to experience this yourself is a whole nother matter. it's something that requires all of your attention & if i were to wax poetic, i'd even go so far as to say...it's an exchange of energy between you & mother nature herself. so no, it is NOT the same as steering an engine powered boat & if you think so & insist upon this, then for you...your boating experience will always be limited to getting from point A to point B. an experience you can get driving your Volvo with the windows down...on a windy day. functional, important & "cool" in a Manilow-esque kind of way...but basic & mundane.

ok now...take what you've just read & replace the word "sailing" with "making love" & the words "steering an engine powered boat" with "having sex"...uh oh!! some of you "ethereals" and/or "keepin it real" folk will want to use "coupling" for "making love" and/or "f*cking" for "having sex". whatever floats your boat...i'm easy. back to it...

from all i've seen, most folk that ARE physically engaging (tearin one off to pornhub doesn't count) are having sex but VERY few...are actually making love. why? they simply don't know the difference. they believe they are because it's all they've ever really experienced & have convinced themselves there is no difference between the two. they've come to accept that "busting a nut" is all that matters. oh it definitely matters...but what makes it matter slightly less? when there's real connection & HERE is where the difference lay. it's the difference between doing something TO someone & doing something WITH them or even...FOR them. where even the quality of the "bust" is actually enhanced...

it's "connection" that makes ALL the difference in the world. the sharing of an energy that is both mental & even spiritual (NOT the same thing) manifesting itself in the physical is an experience that is never "cookie cutter" or "one size fits all". it's a symbiosis of unique vibration that makes it's own music. where ALL of you & ALL of her is intertwined into something you trust losing yourself in the moment to. sounds both poetic & magical yeah? well...it is. look, this might be hard to believe, but i dig busting a nut as much as the next man & sometimes, your woman's gonna want just that but after having experienced truly making love, i have chosen to seek in any potential partner a versatility that can handle both & for that...there MUST be true connection. 

believe it or not, this is why i can count all my sexual partners on two hands. i "vet" ad nauseum to find this & it ain't always a straight line. i seek this yes, but i seek this only once connection is established because i believe connection takes care of all the rest. to make this clear: "lover" is NOT synonymous with "slut". even if society has blurred that line...i have not & neither should you. 

i realize "the times" have caused many to accept what once was deemed "settling" in such matters of depth. where "surface" is enough in this area so long as other boxes are checked off but in my experience, both men & women that have done this eventually come to a place of shock when they realize they can no longer deny the truth...that they've "settled" in an area they thought unimportant. something they've denied to press on. it can cause feelings of resentment & inadequacy later on & they eventually come to seek out those that have not "settled" (internally and/or externally)...even at the expense of risking all they have. why? because they fell for the "it's not that important" bullsh*t. again...something that is only true if you've never tasted the fullness of it all. 

folks, it should never be an easy thing to choose a partner, mate, companion or even "a buddy" as things will shift depending on your circumstances or where you are along your journey but know this: a square is a square & should be treated as such. to entreat it as if it were a circle is an unsustainable situation that will lead to disappointment. in all your "vetting"...short change nothing you know you will need to make it work. watch them as they choose what path they would take unpressured. sometimes, you will find that what you were willing to bring to the table is not what they wanted or needed after all. be fine with it. not only because you love them but because you may have just saved yourselves some potential grief. so let the "mate" be a mate, let the "partner" be a partner. i've been a few of these & in each case, after real connection was established, what was important to me remained so & it still does to this day. pickings are slim & it don't look like things are getting any better in this society but i refuse to water down the truth that is the fullness of my passion...but then again...that's just me.

~moses apollo   

For The Happiness Of One - A Poem by Moe

"...I'll put my armor on...show you how strong I am..."

airplanes the fancy car

then taken up so far

at mountains heights to leap

you prayed your soul to keep

now gone is such a thing

see broken is your wing

false hope shot like the gun

for the happiness of one

falling from the heights

and hidden from the lights

this garbage in the street

finds friends betwixt your feet

now soulless are your soles

some try to fill the holes

but they block out the sun

for the happiness of one

mistrust is now your life

these promised title wife

yet these were never true

they preyed on piece of you

please woman look no more

break down the lesser door

gain strength and start to run

for the happiness of one

~moses apollo

Available - A Short Story by Moe

"...that's just the way it is...ah but don't you believe them..."

Cedric stood at a George Washington Bridge bus stop one early morning to tell made up sob stories for money as he usually did. Yet that morning...it was eerily empty as none else approached but a young man on his way to work. Cedric approached him to begin his hustle and to his surprise the young man smirked, hopped up in haste from the bench he was sitting on and said "I'll give you money on one condition...if you allow me to pray for you first". Cedric reluctantly agreed. The young man grabbed his hands, bowed his head and began to pray a simple prayer. Cedric stood frozen and as he received the money, with penitence in his eyes, he said "but I'm scammin you man!!". The young man turned to him without surprise and said "I know...but you have to get home and you know why". With tears now flowing from his eyes, he began to confess that he was a runaway. That his father was a pastor & that he had left in anger. The young man, looking squarely in his eyes said: "then you know why I'm here. Go home, he's been praying for your return and he loves you more than you know. There's enough there for a bus ticket home...where you belong. I gotta go now but the rest? Is up to you". Cedric just nodded his head in disbelief as the young man picked up his bag to begin his long walk across the bridge...

What can one say about this story? Was that young man special? No...he just made himself available. It's much easier than you think...

As to the rest of the story? Well...that's just history...

~moses apollo apolinaris  

Seers Psalm - A Poem by Moe

"...you're gonna be ok..."

now centered pon all moonlit dreams

where safety finds it's catch

where seers ordered balm the screams

of tender hearts that match

out here they grow beyond themselves

to greater heights unknown

while all they knew now lay on shelves

of all that they've outgrown

yet passion none too quick to calm

should ever find her rest

for she inspires true seers psalm

wherein they draw their best

~moses apollo

Pen The Whole - A Poem by Moe

And she said:

"Give me a reason to love you. Give me a reason to be

a woman. I just want to be a woman..."

what is new come bleedin old

the fever hits you fast

diddle diddle till you're sold

to fevers flow he cast

passion's flame defines his quill

he's bled out all he's writ

etched in soul for now until 

your beacons have been lit

forward play from hunger pains

whose distance has no role

lightly mines your hunger stains

till quill can pen the whole

~moses apollo 

Someplace, Somewhere - A Story by Moe

"Oh, you are in my blood like holy wine

You taste so bitter and you taste so sweet..."

she: "why are your glasses empty? I made those
special.."

he: "I know love, I drank them all..."

she: "so soon?..."

he: "of course! don't worry...I hold their taste to
memory..."

she: "so I take it you'll be leaving then"

he: "no...we both know there's no leaving now. even
if I did uhm, what'd you call it? "leave"..."

she: "then why did you drink them so fast?"

he: "mmm well...I kinda dig the way you pour..."

...

~moses apollo