"A black rose for one, a bouquet for a few and a single orchid for mi..."
You have read me write about the beauty of woman. Such outer beauty that can rival the greatest works of art birthed in the imagination of men. Such inner beauty displaying the graces of wisdom, tenderness and power. All this beauty...all this grace. What can I say about the beauty of "mother"...
I am one that believes humans go through stages of growth based on what they are prepared to carry. In an ideal world, youth find toothpicks heavy. Dealing with all measures of teenage angst. Learning to cope with friendships and new feelings that arise. As they get older and the toothpicks weight becomes light, they are now ready to carry a wooden beam. Leaving home, fending for themselves and experimenting with more mature subjects as they begin to find out who they are. Soon enough, that wooden beam becomes light and they are now ready to carry heavy logs. Heavy logs that may include marriage or more importantly...a child. For to carry the weight of another life requires strong shoulders. Shoulders whose strength is settled into the idea they must remain that strong for the duration of the lives that they have been blessed to carry. This is a mother...
I have been exceedingly blessed to have two mothers. One that bore me and one that helped raise me through my adolescent years. Both very different but both strong and beautiful in their own individual ways. From one I saw the breadth and length she would go to make sure we were not only taken care of, but that we were treated to the very best and from the other, I saw the daily care in the cooked meal, the attention given to my day and how little things could make all the difference in the world. From the single mother that works and does all she can for her children to the stay at home mom that does the same. The sacrifice to themselves was always evident and this is the ultimate metric for what I call "mother".
I give honor and praise to my ex-wife Millie for being the perfect helpmate in raising my sons and although we are not together today, she remains my helpmate in this regard until the day God chooses to take us home. Relationships may evolve and so must the way we parent but a parent is a parent for life and we do not take this lightly. She is one of the greatest women I have ever known without exaggeration and she is deserving of all that I can give her in this life even now. All men of duty, honor and love will attest that a good woman should never be taken for granted or taken advantage of. She has my love, respect, honor and care for as long as is required of me.
I also give honor to all the women I've known that have sacrificed their lives for the sake of raising their children. You may think this praise redundant but in a world where too many today are more concerned with "me time" that they have shifted their focus off their children, I believe those that have stayed focused and found proper balance should receive honorable mention. I believe in "me time" as it is a necessity at times for sanity but never at the expense of the children and/or marriage. I have come to know and love single mothers that have impressed me with the care of their children. My love only growing for them when I found myself second to their children. They know who they are. So take heed little boys. Where you see "baggage"...I see greatness.
Now lest I should put aside my eloquent praise too early, there is one more group I must mention. A smaller group I've been more than blessed to come to know. To the women that have taken children unto themselves that they have not borne but have birthed in grace through love itself, I give you the highest honor. Revealing that the heart of a mother is beyond flesh and blood and that love can cross that blood barrier creating a family with no difference from any other is a miracle to me. If I knew nothing else about you, that to me is more than enough to solidify your worth. From those of you that adopt, to those that have chosen to raise children in difficult circumstances...I hold you in the highest esteem. You know who you are...
Happy Mother's Day to you all...enjoy your day and be blessed...
The funeral parlor was as I expected. Family and people I didn't know gathered together to honor my uncle. My uncles had to do a double take because they didn't recognize the scrawny kid they once knew. Endearing, beautiful cousins I had known as a child now adults interacting on Facebook were as easy as breathing. Pictures beside my uncle showed a handsome man in his younger days alongside his brothers. Laughing, having a good ole time and as a wonderful gift to me, it would become apparent that nothing had really changed. Except that one was now missing.
To sit around these men as the funeral ended was a treat for me in itself but to interact as one of them was an even greater gift. To soak in the crazy, unrepentantly raw sense of humor of these seasoned men felt all too familiar. The jokes at each others expense, the talk of women and the honesty was refreshing to say the least in a world where everything needs a prefaced explanation or an apology...these men would offer none. I felt right at home and I savored every minute of it. I understood then why the women that were with them were so enamored by them. These men are men. Unabashedly unapologetic about who they are and why and for those that don't know? That, my friends, will beat out the skinny jean, crocks wearing mother f*ckers any day of the week and twice on Sundays.
The only difference between them and I is that I have learned how not to give a f*ck without having the whole room hate me for it which I might add has happened to me in my younger days. Something I found absolutely hysterical by the way. I can also say that I've made adjustments to my life so I can keep my passions in check where I never have to make the choice between hurting someone I love or lying to continue some ill-advised secret satiation. I know these men have learned their lesson the hard way but you can still hear it in their speech. It's like going to an Andrew Dice Clay concert...it's expected. I completely understand that the difference is not based in honor but it is based in generational sensibilities. In their generation and culture, it was no dishonor that a man should follow his libido wherever it went which is why women would wait for their men to return even after infidelity. Being the generation at the receiving end of the detrimental effects secrets and infidelity can cause, I fervently chose openness and transparency as a code to follow instead. My libido is just as strong if not stronger but I will never hurt someone over it. I make no bones about what I am capable of, even tonight, but I am a man in control because I know the extreme damage I can cause by simply loosening the reins but a little.
Now lest you all think for a second that I am excusing infidelity, read the rest of my blog first and if you still think that, stop reading because you must be stupid. Someone once told me that "the good in me far outweighs the bad by miles" and that is what I am saying here about them. Great men never fall softly...they always fall hard. If I judge them then I judge myself because the only real world difference between the unfaithful and the faithful is that one gives in to the "sin" and the other doesn't but both are tempted just the same. If you ever tell me that you have not been tempted to do wrong then please describe to me how to get to your unicorn enriched lands because I might get hungry and want to eat from the lake of gumdrops in your backyard. Getting back to it...it was a good night.
To see them all together brings me an unspeakable joy because I understand now what I couldn't as a child. They are honorable men of a different time. Loving all the women they came to know. Being there for them as best they could when they knew they were good women. Carrying with them the generational flaw of "the game" and getting caught up in the worst of it. These men are old guard and they have my respect without question. I am glad to be a part of this family. A family of misfits that knows and relishes in that fact. I'm sure my uncle Carlos was laughing right along with us.
Misfit: Fittin everywhere and nowhere...and motherf*ckin proud...
For a long time I asked myself "what the hell is wrong with me?...."
I am a man that has struggled with the idea of conventional love for a long time. This love that dictates our life-mate and that individual we are supposed to now answer to. This love that gets us up into flight and at 50,000 feet thinks it funny to run out of gas bringing us to a fiery, painful death. A bit too morbid? Am I too down on love for you? How can a poet that speaks with such eloquence on the virtues of love be so pessimistic about it? If these are your questions, then you need to re-read the first sentence again. I am speaking about "conventional love" and that my friends is love but in my opinion...it's not as pure as it should be. Allow me to explain...
This is the love everyone is conditioned to believe in. A love that requires something be done outwardly for proof. A love that requires two people in love to say "this must be fate" and because it is "fate" they no longer have any say in the matter. They must now be together. This is that love that becomes co-mingled with men's rules and as such...becomes tainted. It ceases to be pure and is now turned into an idea based on a principal with no room for error. That's when it becomes "work". Work is something you get paid for and love should not be a commodity to trade. It is to be given freely with no return on investment. This, my friends, is where we screw it up...guilt by association.
We place unrealistic expectations on love when these expectations involve humans. Where the expectation should be placed on the person, we unfairly place it on this mystical power called love that is supposed to somehow turn us into better people. Love does not make decisions...we do. Love does not create contracts...we do. Love does not break contracts...we do. Pure love is selfless surrender and that is all it is. It cannot be confused with greed though often it is and it cannot be confused with lust...though often it is. It does not ask for anything in return and this is why most people find themselves confused. This is something, we as humans, in this "me and mine" society cannot wrap our heads around any longer. It is the hardest thing to find in this age of "self" where most duty-bound sacrifice is met with a terse "f-that!!!". When you hear the phrase "If you love me..." think long and hard what comes next. Use love as a manipulation tactic and it ceases to be all you claimed it to be. Let that one marinade for awhile...
I wholeheartedly believe in relationships but I also believe in what they should mean. In fact, the best relationships are written standing on a foundation of love but relationships require work and they, in fact, must have a return on investment. It is a contract between two people that find themselves compatible. Agreements and rules are necessary in order for them to work. They are facilitated by love but not enforced by love. People enforce the rules within the relationship yet be aware that people are fallible. They will at one point or another, violate those rules. Breaking the contract and sowing seeds of mistrust is not a by-product of love but of our own humanity. This is why we continue to love them even in failure because pure love as opposed to attraction or compatibility is a constant. Love gives us the will to forgive the infraction and continue within the contract but the choice remains ours. We decide...not love. Yet because love is made the reason for said contract, it is easy to blame by association for the pain the violation has incurred. That is a serious error. Love is not to blame because love had nothing to do with you violating your agreement...that was your doing. Love tried to stop you but for most people, sadly, that is never enough. Character does that my friends and if your mate is lacking in that most important quality, all the love in the world will not stop him or her from failing you. I've seen too many run away from ever loving again for "what it could mean". They stay clear of love because of the scars they carry from a past relationship. It was so at one time but for me, that is no longer the case...
After two beautiful relationships, each one handing all parties our own set of beautiful scars, I would not take back my love for any amount of money. One relationship was near perfect, the other was not as perfect but both uniquely held my love in such ways that I remember the moments of loves' manifestation as moments of pure beauty. Moments I would readily relive with them if given the privilege. A purity of passion and fire that was beyond this realm of flesh and blood. Words lack the expression that kind of purity invokes and today, moments like these...are all I seek. I have had the privilege of experiencing this with others that I found worthy of such a thing and asked nothing from them in return simply because that is the nature of the experience. Now lest one should think me loose...I can assure you that they would not take more than two hands to count. I could wait for the perfect relationship but I have found that for me...there is no such thing. Most will settle for "close enough" and that's OK but as of today I feel almost compelled to stay clear from attaining any new scars because the ones I bear are more than enough to sustain my wisdom. I live, I love and I do my best to remove humanity's failings from the equation. I fail at this but I come close enough by the effort. I make no investment and I require none because without this, I find no disappointment. I seek none to own and none to be owned by. Now you may call it a defense mechanism but I have lived a life of a thousand men and I am content to love without all the trappings of ownership. Experience has chosen this road for me. It has drawn out the poet and the lover in me and today...I am who I am.
So I say for those without love...let it overtake you. It is the last pure thing in this world as yet to go silent. For those with no scars...get some, I am thankful for the wisdom they have given me. For those that have been hurt...don't blame love, a humans failure is their own... Be wise in all your dealings and remember..."love may be blind but she is never stupid"...
For a long time I asked myself "what the hell is wrong with me?". "Why can't I be in a relationship?" I can finally answer...nothing.
"...give me time give us a kiss...tell me your own politik..."
As many of you know, I don't usually write about politics on this blog and in some ways, given the nature of what I'm about to share...may as yet remain true for this piece. As of late, there has been an awakening of sorts. Some, like myself, have been sensing it's creep in increments for quite some time. A "shifting" making itself manifest like a washing of sorts from the upper atmosphere on down to earth. Cleansing out the scales that have built up over the eyes of men that have developed over years. Allowing people to see what they could not (or would not) before. A sight that can now afford folk the freedom to scrutinize the systems they've been told to accept. Systems created within systems that will no longer be compatible within this new free flow of ideas as these systems were developed in limited scope towards the advancement of agendas built on control. In what ways has this free flow been made manifest? Here is where it gets a bit political...
2016 was a banner year. It was an election year poised to end like any other. Almost every analyst predicted Hillary Clinton was going to win the Presidency. She did all that was expected of her according to the standards set forth by other democrat campaigns. Now I know many can point to failures as to why she lost but if you look at every other election year...you can see it was "textbook". It was basic and as "system" as one could get. So what happened? Donald J Trump happened. This man broke every single establishment rule and won big. He had consultants that he rarely listened to. He spoke off the cuff and said things no other politician could ever get away with. Instead of being shunned by his style...he was lauded due to his ability to remain "authentic" in almost every situation. Love him or hate him...he chose to be himself. He has since governed using the same brash authenticity that got him into office. Conditioning many to accept something profoundly important: Maybe doing things differently ain't so bad after all...
Fast forward to 2018. An interesting time in broadcasting to say the least. Television had become littered with shows advancing "accepted" progressive thought. Great storytelling was replaced by mediocre plotlines with just enough room for a "lesson" in "tolerance" thrown in here and there. Award shows meant to celebrate the arts were now telethons for progressive causes. Where every celebrity got the chance to pontificate their elevated viewpoints. Speaking down to the "lessers" that dared vote against a "system" designed to glorify their virtue signaled status. So what happened? Roseanne Barr happened. A show that was born in the 80's had decided to reveal what life was like today outside the progressive mindset the "system" was regularly feeding the masses. Not that the progressive mindset did not exist but unlike other shows...every mindset was evenly represented. We got to see what it was like when all these mindsets had to co-exist among people that loved each other. Where fights had more to do with real life issues and less to do with climate change or racial divides. Showing us that what we have in common has the ability through love to outdo the outrage that stems from political differences. What shocked everyone the day after the first show aired was the record viewership it received. Lesson learned: Maybe doing things differently ain't so bad after all...
Now come on up to about 2 weeks ago (this post is written in May 2018). A well known triple A-list rapper named Kanye West decided he would come out of Twitter seclusion and post something revolutionary. He simply tweeted: "I like the way Candace Owens thinks". Revolutionary? I guess you'd have to know who Candace Owens is before you'd agree. Folks, Candace Owens is pretty young to the conservative movement speaking scene and as such...her passion is at its peak. People that are awakened from slumber have an unparalleled energy to awaken others with a zeal that can become infectious. Except...there was a bit more to her than just conservatism. Actually, a lot more. You see Candace is a young black woman with a passion to not only awaken others but primarily...to awaken her race to free thought. A race that has had their identity stolen from them by those in political power desiring subservience above all else resulting in an oft taken advantage of secure "voting block". Going so far as to constantly pick at the 400 year old wound of slavery; never allowing it to heal so that every mention of it could produce a rage directed at their political opponents. Never mentioning how essential they were as free folk in creating this beautiful place called America; only ever mentioning the scourge of slavery to create a hatred for a land their ancestors helped build. Now that you understand this...you can now see how she can be seen as a danger to the "system". A system that has silently festered for generations. So here comes this little pebble called Candace gettin tossed into an ocean of influence by a man that has been seeking this very freedom as an artist and as a man...revived to continue on his quest. So again...why is this so revolutionary? Well, this man's arm was long enough to reach over 27 million souls in an instant creating a tidal wave that didn't just sweep over political lands. No...that wave swept over cultural lands as well. Lands that have been purposely left barren for years. Creating a much needed conversation within the black community that has been long overdue. Kanye's message is meant to reveal a truth. A truth that proclaims manipulated rage doesn't have to reign in the hearts of men. That when we see each other for who we actually are as opposed to how we are represented by political players...we can find so much more beauty to love. That we can let go of media manufactured prejudices...allowing us to freely love each other in depth. So in this case, like the others...maybe doing things differently...ain't so bad after all.
Now, one can say Kanye's message of love was informed by Candace's message of independence and Candace's message of independence might have been informed by Roseanne's message of "the real". Yeah...one can say that but I won't. I just thought it would make for a really cool close but in retrospect...it would suck. Truth is all these souls did and are currently doing something no one's really ever been able to do within the system successfully: Be exactly who they are...as loud as they can. While tearing up the system from the inside out. Acts that have made every cog in these systems lash out in hatred and rage...knowing their time is up. So what's next? Whatever it is...I'm ready for it. We are truly living in "interesting times". Much love...
Life carries one through ups and downs. Ups and downs that are experienced in our "valleys". Yet there's a place that allows us to navigate such places by granting us the graces we require for our journey. That place...is our "mountaintop".
You see on my mountaintop I came to learn by design that my God is greater than all my cares. Greater than my worst disease and sweeter to me than all the loveliest women I would ever come to know. I find His peace immeasurable and His love unfailing. His power? Without limit. I could stay there for days soaking in His sun...basking in His life and love but you see, the mountaintop isn't some long term spiritual move nor is it a place meant for eternal peace. Each time you climb there's a limit to how long you can stay and it's designed this way for a purpose. It's purpose finds fulfillment in the dredges of the valley.
It's in the valley that you now get to see all that God showed you from Him...manifested through you. It's in the valley that you are tested by despair, pain, fear and loss. It's in the valley that God lets you realize a stirring truth..."I showed you how great I was on the mountain; I prove it here...in the valley". With every climb to the mountaintop you "know" greater strength and with every subsequent walk in the valley...you display it. In the valley...we face our hardest test.
Yet what happens when your time in the valley has gone on for way too long and the last memory of God's strength was so far gone away that its epiphany has become a distant memory? This is when the valley can swallow you whole and drive you into its darkest depths. The grip of fear and doubt will overtake you as though you were just a child with no knowledge of the growth you've already achieved and time? It runs slows in this place...as does life.
Snap out of it and refresh yourself a bit on a mountaintop even though there is work to do in the valley below. You're no good draggin your knuckles on fear and doubt no matter how big and bad you think you are. Let God reveal Himself to you again so you can believe again. Trust again...so you "can do all things through Him that strengthens you". Now...I know what my mountaintop looks like. How bout you? Been runnin too long? You might just need a new mountaintop experience and lest you think I'm talkin about a vacation...your mountaintop? Is within you ;-) Much love...I'm out...
...never giving up on the soul that has it and never taking it for granted...
...not just a feeling but it is also the driving force of sacrifice...
...knowing where to stand and knowing when to step aside....
In this world of ego and possession, many have lost the capacity to truly love with abandon and that my friends makes it all the more valuable to find. Just keep in mind that when you do, all that is "self" will no longer be in play as the only thing that will be of import is what is best for the object of that love. This will cause confusion and sometimes pain of loss but that is not the fruit of love. No, instead, that is the fruit of "self" that cannot fathom how one that could truly love walk away from what they truly love. Is it really walking away though? Or is it making room for something more? Too many play the zero sum game in matters of love when love's complexities go way beyond that. If you're just tuning in? Welcome to my world...
I have been in situations where I have had to make the choice between keeping the mindset of hope or taking on the concept of possibilities. With hope, you allow yourself to see the object of your love as just that. With possibilities, the object of your love takes on another role. Becoming a possibility of something that may happen in life if all things should line up correctly. You never completely remove yourself from the lives you've come to truly love but if need be, you change your mindset for their benefit and your peace. Due to the strength of your love, they may never grasp the difference.
Love is my anchor. My reason for living and why I still remain as I am. So love with abandon and inso doing always remember the truth of all things before you. Stay sober-minded in your drunkenness so that if the day should ever come when your mindset must change, you will not do it in bitterness, anger or frustration. Instead you will do it with the same love you have always had because although your mindset will see change...your truest love will not. Much love my people...rest easy...
"...You let all the girls go, makes you feel good, don't it?
Behind your Broadway show, I heard a boy say, "Please, don't hurt me"..."
Alot of people search a lifetime seeking their place in this machine called "life" but every once and awhile...some are able to see their place through others. Watching "The Outsiders" as I listened to the eclectic collection of music on my Ipod produced a different experience altogether. WE...are "The Outsiders"...
My father was a teenager when he left Puerto Rico in search of a better life. He left, in essence, to find a reason for his existence. He found his way to New York. He worked odd jobs while he lived with a mother that had left him with her parents in Gurabo. She thought him "safer" without her. After much deliberation, she may have been right. This man grew up to be a flawed nobleman with the heart of a poet lacking the eloquence of expression. What frustration. What an enigma...until he freely opened his mouth. You saw his words and art through his life...his giving without reservation...his ever present love. Every woman that has ever held his heart still holds his heart and devotion...even to this day. Through him, I received the truth of real love. The truth that love, when real...is eternal. It is something you cannot fight and is more than worthy of attention when called to action within the bounds of what is "right". That it never works outside those bounds and if tried, will be doomed to failure. That it must be free and true to ever be able to flourish into the eternal. In both success and failure, he is my hero. He is my muse in the ways of love and nobility. I will never know a better example of all I call "father" and "man". A part of me will die the day Father God decides it's time for him to come home...but in my tears, I will rejoice.
My mother always saw herself as the black sheep of the family. Being the only one to stand with Papa Eduardo as he stood accused before church counsels of infidelity. A man of great renown in the Dominican Republic, he was driven to exile but she never gave way to despair. Later in life, standing alone...nothing would change. I have seen her greatness of strength. Managing to provide the best for her children on her own without ever having to resort to using the least of what is called "woman". Her heart desirous...her strength feared. I have truly seen what is called "woman"...and it is strong. It is everything we lack as "men" and are afraid to express. It is perfect. Flawed...but perfect nonetheless. The unending reservoir of strength within womankind is the story of her life. I love and admire her beyond words. She longs for home but holds on for the sake of seeing her children become more than they are. A daily prayer to say the least. She is very special to me and holds a place reserved for no other...she is my template...
My brother is a man of many faces. The one he loves to wear is of the man that doesn't have a care in the world. The selfish man...but I see past that. His life of shortcuts and turmoil have him pressing for relevance in the eyes of his little girl. She is the only thing that really moves him to tears past the hardness of the life he's endured. To see her smile because of something he's done means the world to him and all he does is for her. Yet...he deems it necessary to put aside his true motivation lest it slow his progress. No one really sees it. I do...and I love him for it. I so envy his fearlessness...
My sister is my angel. She really doesn't know how far my admiration extends for her. A woman that God has taken through the worst of herself only to come through wanting "better" for herself. To "believe" even after all she's been through inspires a faith in me unparalleled. She doesn't know and she should. I love her and one of my greatest frustrations lays on the fact that the human tongue has no words to express it. How proud I am of the woman she's become makes her past make all the sense in the world to me. It's like watching a flower blossom...and she's about three quarters of the way there. Although 4 years my senior, I will always accept my role as her "older brother". She knows what that means...
My step-mother. Another amazing woman, gave me an old school code that originated in the streets of Ecuador. Standing on an old school principal and decorum that was only manageable from the inside out. She stood by my father no matter what and loved my father enough to love me just the same. She took on the full role of "mother" at a young age and she didn't need to. All the while teaching me that the small gestures matter more than the elaborate. Teaching me that even though you have very little, the heart is more than enough to satiate through "family" the hungry soul. All via the simple pleasures of life and love. Her life is my own and I honor her among those that have made this man all he is today.
My years as a man began early for me. I married at eighteen. Not for necessity, but for love. This beauty's name was Millie. I remember praying for her when I was about fifteen. My father drove the church bus. As I saw her get out with her grandmother and sister, I said "Lord, what about her?" God answered years later. Her patience and love assisted in turning me into a man of understanding. A man of honor and passion for beautiful things. I became a better man because that is what she deserved and the love we have for each other inspired the beautiful in us both. The elements involved? Near flawless. She will always be "la babe"...and she knows it lol We may have amicably divorced, but our love And mutual respect remained...the ultimate evidence that it was real. Our two sons stand as a testament to who and what we were and are as parents...as people. The pride I have in Millie, Josh and Caleb has no limit and they will always be under the guard of my wing and shade of my love. They are all beautiful to me...and they always will be. People, you can never deny what truly made you. There is no "greener grass". It's all just different. Each blade carrying its own complex beauty...and an understanding heart will accept the truth of this. Divorce or not, a piece of paper will never determine the vastness and complexity of love. We may not be "together" but she is as much a part of me as my skin. Thanks Dad...
I have played the song above throughout this piece and I can admit coming close to tears at times. Especially about mom and dad. I haven't felt to cry like this in quite some time and it's a hard thing for me to do freely anymore. I know all they really mean to me. Most wait till after death to see their parent's contribution but being who I am allows me to see the fullness of their roles in my life. To know one day I will lose them is heartbreaking to me but without death, there really is no sense to "life". I understand "me" now more than ever. I get all I'm about through the best of all those that surround me because I mirror them...even if they think they mirror me. My friends during and since have all served as confirmation of all I have I have learned and know to be true. It has and is my blessed grace to know in love and passion those I call "pretty", "amazing", "homie", "tender" and "phenomenal". My "Texas rose", my "maddie", my "flower" and my "habibi". My friends, my church family and "crew". They will never truly know the role they have played and still play in the heart of the man seeking evidence of all he knows to be true. All special. All relevant. All forever etched into the heart of this man...and all worth way more than this vagabonds heart.
Now you know. It's clear isn't it? If you can't see all I'm trying to show you then you must be blind. You are not an island. Life, circumstance and surrounding souls influence your growth. How you see them makes all the difference in the world and if you can't see the good in them as well as the bad then your growth will feel the pain of it. Dress yourself with an understanding heart. See it all...and learn...
Tonight...I am like a man that has eaten to satisfaction but can stand to eat a little more...
