It's a summer night but still...cooler than usual. As such there is no need for the hum comin from the air conditioner. Windows open wide to hear the sparse footsteps of folk just tryin to get home and the occasional car passin by. The blinds hit the edge of the window as a short gust of wind does its best to get to me. A symphony of misplaced notes are heard if you listen and in between those tender notes...second sight takes hold to feel every thought drowned out by the noise we use to distract us from impact. Now...you feel it all. Listen deeper. As even the light of the moon creepin through the blinds makes a sound. Yes...silence is rich in wisdom, love and grace.
It's where the poet finds his greatest inspiration. Faces become clear and voices are heard subtle enough to pick up the purest intent. What did they really mean when they said "I will"? It's clear now isn't it? Yeah...memories transport you to last night's touch and last years smile. Emotional content fills in the gaps left by the beauty of silence and it is...wonderful. Even the sour finds the sweet in silence as all begins to make sense. You feel everything as though it were the day before and even sometimes...as though it were happening at the very moment of recollection. I am nowhere and I am everywhere. Some seek this out in the drug and others...in the drink. Yet all these tender notes are ready to be heard when the minutes don't matter and your intent is pure. They're waitin to be listened to. Waitin to inspire the birth of something worthy of all that's called vision and creativity. Worthy to receive a title in your lexicon of faith, hope and love...
Silence is soul music...poetry in its purest form. Electric and eclectic. That's my "tonight". I know I'll have many more because I can...I dig that...
A centuries old cathedral encased in glass stood for but a few to visit. One solemn day, it became a sanctuary for two alone...
They wandered in as strangers and shared in it's imagination. They tendered song and roses to it's beauty until their hearts were offered as well. Daily they came to admire it until they found themselves ignoring it all together. They met there daily still and instead of gazing at it's beauty, they now found each other's eyes even more worthy of gaze. He came to adore the smile she couldn't help. She became enamored by the foolish quirk he could not hold in. All this becoming more important than this place. They would soon feel the need to touch but the sanctity of this place was still too grand and now what had brought them together had become what was keeping them apart. They knew they didn't need the cathedral but as it became a staple in their new found love, they were afraid of leaving it behind lest their love would be left behind as well. Until one day...they found themselves having no choice but to do just that. The man became so ill that he could not meet his timely commitment anymore. Sadness and confusion overtook them...
They feared the loss of the love found in that place but as minutes felt like hours and hours felt like days...something else altogether happened. This love they found did not wane but instead began to suffer the pain of loss. The truest testament to something's value. They found they missed the stillness of their company and came to find something more to miss...the touch they had so longed for but already had. For even though they did not touch in flesh...they touched in spirit. Something very few could ever truly comprehend. The intimacy of souls was theirs now to keep in perpetuity. What of the cathedral? It's beauty stands but it had lost its power over the fate that was now theirs. They found the treasured confirmation they had been looking for in the discomfort of change. That all they ever needed to do was trust the love that they had found...was real. That yes, it did in fact transcend space, time, holiness and sin. Unlike the multitudes that met in that place and thought the same. They were the exception as they came seeking nothing for themselves and found each other instead...
Today they meet where they please. Sanctifying the very spaces they enter by the beauty of her smile and the quirk of the fool...
To understand: All that has value must be tested outside it's place of comfort. If it endures to flourish...so will it's value...
"There's a hero if you look inside your heart. You don't have to be afraid of what you are"
For most of my marriage (now long since divorced), I modeled the family man I was after one that drew the envy of everyone that was blessed enough to know him. In that model of a man, I found a sense of duty and honor. I found purpose in the struggle. It was the beginning framework for all I am today and I know others that could have said the same had they stayed the course. You see we found that model near perfect as humans but as it turned out...it was all too frail as well. In one conversation, I nearly saw the kingdom I had built based on this model...torn down.
I was a 22 year old man in charge of a house of four. Grown to lead my family in what little we had. Building more together...never apart. One night after a dinner, the man I modeled myself after had told me he had failed his wife. That he was leaving her for another he'd been seeing on the sneak for over a year. That he had been lying to everyone. I stayed unmoved on the outside but in his moment of confession...I began to bleed honor. I went home and wept like a child whose parents had just died. Days passed and in anger I lashed out at him. I sought to break him even more in my self-righteousness. I questioned everything. All I was and all I had until I came to a place of decision weeks later. I began flirting with the limits honor had placed upon me and I found myself at the same type of door where he had lost his. As I went to grab the doorknob, I spiritually perceived that all went dark and I found myself falling into a pit. It was tar pit dark, empty and soundproof. It looked like a garbage dump where waste wasn't even burned. It was just left there to rot...becoming one with itself & the deep darkness. I tried to scream but had no resonance...as if its volume went as far as one foot ahead. I walked around and found no one and I was only able to travel in a circle. Constantly bringing me right back to where I was. Feeling like the world was collapsing in and around me, I stopped to bow my head in prayer and that's when I heard a voice that sounded just like my own...
"THIS...IS WHERE YOUR FATHER IS"
Scared, shivering and ashamed, I found myself back in front of that door I was just about to open. Except now, instead of lust informed by curiosity, I looked at it with disgust...and fear. Fear at what I was about to do and disgust in myself for being a part of the horde that hurt my father in judgement of him. Sending him to that place of lonely spiritual desolation. I ran to my father and in tears, asked him to forgive me for judging him so harshly. I told him that I loved him and that no matter what he'd done, he would always be a great man in my eyes. That I would always stand by him no matter what. We had a good talk that day. It was the most honest we've ever been with each other and it only progressed from there. You see, I got to meet him at his worst. Not just him but inside myself as well and after humbled introspection, I realized that not only did he show me what it was like to live as a man of honor. He also showed me what it was like to face disgrace with honor as well. He showed me that there could be honor even in failure and that I need not go the same way he did. I learned then what would eventually drive me to become the better man I am today. That we are all capable of good and evil. That our weakness need not define us but instead, when owned & placed right according to the design found through self-awareness, it can become a powerful addition within the best of ourselves. I understood then that honor is not found in piety but it is found in the truth of all we are. Living an honorable life demands we live transparent...warts and all. It demands a code of truth. That we should never lie to ourselves, to those we love and much less to God. Such a code forces us to live in ways we would never want to be ashamed of. My father eventually did the best he could to correct his error. Not for me or those he hurt because by then everyone was over it. He did it simply because it's what he felt he should do...for himself. I grew as a man, a loving husband and a father. Pretty soon...my new family would become the "model" my father and my step-mother were back then. Yet and still...it's not the end of the story...
My wife and I decided to divorce about 13 years later. There was no argument, contention or infidelity. You see, we dated and married young and came to the conclusion that our marriage had run its course as we were so we decided to evolve into something else. A family that loves each other and stands by each other no matter what except...no longer husband and wife. No longer "together" as a couple...we still remained a family. Not just bound by children but who we are as people. It's why we've been able to "co-parent" and love as a family all these years since then. Some have asked us how we do it as though it's some mystical feat. In truth, we just love and honor who we are enough to never allow for disrespect and this notion...also came from my father's code of honor. He used to tell me "Moise, I can't stand your mother but she is a great woman. You find a good woman? You do what you can for her when you can even if you're not together. Don't ever disrespect her. Finding that is like finding gold today". Yeah...that one's been a double edged sword since then but still good advice. As for dad and I, we became more than father and son after that...we became peers but that man, although he may not think it of himself is and forever will be...my hero.
Folks, our heroes fail and what externally motivates us can falter but make no mistake...the idea that drove the wind of our sails came from inside us. We believed in something that was real and it's our task to fulfill it where our motivators fail. That...belongs to US. If something that motivated you has fallen in your eyes, hold fast to what they gave you and remake it in your own image. Run with it like someone creating a greater reason to press on. That man in the mirror you want to take pride in, that little one you put to sleep every night, the friend that looks up to you and the masses that look to you for guidance may just need a hero in this world that is full of disappointment. Show them how you succeed, show them how you fail but most importantly...show them how you rise again. Take heart, be honorable in truth and if you fell? Get your ass back up again...somebody may need to see that. Much love...
Li got up this morning as he usually did. Just a day like any other filled with the standard routine of every new monk within the order of Ern Dien. His routine included rolling out of bed to land upon a wooden floor where he would find no greater option than to pray before he began his day. After prayer, he would put on the ring of his order and complete all his morning duties. All just preparations for what he considered the most exciting part of his day...the passing of the traveler.
You see, there wasn't much excitement upon this hilltop monastery so when a man of great wisdom comes up from the towns beneath the hilltop, many become intrigued. No one knew his name but people would come in droves to hear him speak. He hid under a cloak but he spoke with such depth, sincerity and passion that he drew people in. Everyone knew there was something more to this man but where in the valley could he have possibly come from? How could it be that such wisdom could possibly come from such low places? Places that were beneath them all. In just a few days, Li would come to know the answer to that question. As fate would have it, Li drew closer to the traveler as he spoke than he had ever gotten before and he noticed something that shocked him. As the traveler bent over to pick up his staff just before he was about to leave, Li noticed that the traveler wore a necklace. At the end of that necklace was the very same ring Li placed upon his finger every morning...the ring of the house of Ern Dien. Li hurriedly ran to ask a shepherd about his discovery and was dismayed to receive a terse dismissal in the place of an answer. He knew then his only option was to ask the Master...something he understood was against the rules.
This monastery had three shepherds and one Master. The Master would share the teachings with the shepherds and the shepherds in turn would share His teachings with the monks. None other but the shepherds were allowed to see or speak to the Master so Li's task was one of great risk to his place in the order. Yet of all the things he has heard of the Master, he knew that the Master would never turn him away. He knew that the Master had established these rules for the sake of order and not as others had assumed...to remain hidden. Mindless tradition had made it seem so but nothing could be further from the truth. Most just followed the shepherds without question and the shepherds were fine with such unquestionable devotion. Most shepherds took that responsibility with care and these were proven by the length of their tenure. Yet the ones that abused such absolute power would be cast out in short order. So Li knew that those that sought the Master beyond the shepherds would find Him and in doing so...would come into what all the shepherds just understood as the realm they called "more". Most feared entering this realm as a place of confusion and chaos so they kept to the shepherds’ basic training as it was deemed "safe". Li wasn't interested in the "more", he just wanted to know about this traveler and he knew that the Master was the only one who could provide answers.
That very night, Li began making the climb on his own as the bedtime gong of the monastery rang. Tired and hungry, he finally came to the Master's steps and just as he was about to knock on the great door, it suddenly swung open and there stood the Master's servants. They said nothing but greeted him with a smile and led him to a room with a calmness about it. In this candlelit room was a comfortable bed on which sat a new set of clothes. He was allowed to eat, bathe and rest for the night...the Master would see him in the morning.
The next morning Li woke up as he normally did and followed through with all the preparations of his order as best he could given his new surroundings. When he was done, he was instructed to sit in the rear garden in front of the Grand Tree. This was the tallest tree in the center of the garden and before it...a bench just big enough for two. This was an odd tree in that it carried a frightening beauty. Its aroma was bittersweet. If inhaled deeply enough, it would produce an uncomfortable laughter. Li was instructed to sit before it and wait for the Master. He sat waiting and wondering as time passed with no sign of Him. Several times the servants passed and even though he was tempted to ask them about the Master's whereabouts, he sat patiently waiting. After a few hours of stillness, the Master came and sat beside him. Li bowed in nervous excitement, "My Lord!!" he exclaimed as the Master gently grabbed his arm to gently guide him back to his seat beside Him. They both sat in stillness for some time before...
The Master began to speak in assured gentle tones:
"I know why you've come. You have come to ask about the Traveler. You have seen that he carries with him the ring of My Order yet he does not wear it on his finger as you do. You wonder how a man can carry so much wisdom with him and come from places you do not when you are supposed to be from My house...where all truth may be found." He stood up and walked to the tree. Putting His hand upon the tree He continued..."I can tell you this: his plight, you could say, begins and ends at the root of this tree. He was a prodigy of this order and when he was about your age, he made the climb as you have to ask for the "more" only a few dare seek. Yet the "more" he sought was not for glory or fame. He sought the "more" so that he could know Me better. He wanted to please my heart as well as my soul and he understood that in order to do this, he would need wisdom.” He turned pointing earnestly to Li and said “Wisdom, my child, transcends beyond the intellect of man, piercing his heart to the very atom of his existence...and by extension...My Own. He came wanting the Wisdom of Solomon. A wisdom that can break a man's spirit if he is not centered properly. Solomon was raised with all the greatest teachers when it came to the laws of heaven so he was grounded in the poverty of piety yet on the other side of his life, he came to know the abundance of self as he came to indulge in every pleasure known to man. Somewhere in the middle of both excesses...he found the bitterness of this tree." And in a faint whisper, He said "...and the greatest power man will ever possess." "This, my child, is the infamous Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. She stands in this garden as a testament to all the perils and power of wisdom.” Turning again towards Li, He said “Solomon was able to identify with and detail the hints of darkness within the light of men as he was also able to identify the hints of light...within the darkness of men. A task very few men could handle as man is a being created to follow. He will always choose a side and there is nothing wrong with staying safely in the light but understand that this safety is enabled by limits and limited understanding only requires limited responsibility. Men that selflessly seek "more" are tasked with greater responsibility as the “more” removes such limits placed upon them. Some of my greatest servants questioned Me in ways others dared not and they all found themselves many times making decisions I would have never had them make. Most of them strayed from my path but ALL found their way back. Yet what was different about them was what they carried back with them...after they had strayed. They now carried with them a newfound wisdom of the strength found within weakness. A relatable spirit that was able to reach the heart of all men without the need for judgement. An understanding of their own humanity and an enlightenment of the true nature of man. That his strengths and his failings were not dependent on which side of the pendulum he was on. That virtue and vice could be found on all sides of the spectrum. This allowed them to see the truth of all things at their core enabling them to determine what kind of word was needed for the wound they needed to heal. Acknowledging their own weaknesses based on the truth of their awareness to place my essence within them where it was lacking. This had made them formidable and strong! Beyond this, they also came to appreciate life at its depth. That every experience within every second had value because all on this earth has an end. That the insignificance of man by the virtue of the time he has left on this earth means every life can have meaning...every soul can have purpose. I despise the fact that some of my monks find that their truth is finite enough that they can look down at the people that live in the valley when the reality is that what truth most of them carry is just enough to lead them safely through this world but not enough to make a real, lasting difference. It is the difference between watering a tree as opposed to injecting it with the nutrients it needs. Solomon knew this and so does the traveler you have come to ask me about. Yes, there is power in this wisdom but it comes at a cost. Given his nature, he will always be far from perfection but he seeks it nonetheless. He knows he will never realize his goal of complete wisdom as what his finite mind seeks is infinite but he has found that the journey itself has taken him past the limits most have placed upon themselves already. It is for this reason he has chosen to live in a world that will not judge him...a world that can not place him enough...to judge him at all. He carries too much light to live comfortably in the dark and too much dark to live comfortably in the light even though he can exist in both. He knows nothing will satisfy him because of the futility of most things so he grasps heaven on earth where he can find it. He finds it in my monastery, he finds it in the art of men, he finds it in the eyes of Eve and he finds it in the growth of his children. He has silently saved the lives of people from every spectrum in a sentence and most times, he will remain unaware of it...just as he had requested. He wanted to please My heart and nothing makes Me smile more than this." He smiled, turned to face the tree again and in a softened thoughtful voice said "The roots of this tree are pure. As it springs out of the earth, its wholeness divides in two. True wisdom...my knowledge...is found at the root" The Master turned to face Li with a smile and began walking. Li felt an overwhelming sense of peace as his Master just walked away.
As for Li, he climbed back down to the safety of his monastery and he remained content with the newfound admiration he had acquired for the traveler. Not much is known of Li after his encounter but one thing remains certain…he was never the same again…
Dark elegant room. At it's center, a large black marble table with a lit chandelier above it making sure it was the only piece of furniture visible in the room. One by one, men begin to enter. Each taking their place at this table. Some dressed in casual attire. Others dressed in three piece suits. All carried briefcases except for one. With every chair taken...the doors close. They now wait in silence...
One hour passes. The men begin to fidget and become anxious. Some stand, some pace, some engage each other in whispered conversation...only one sits still.
The red light above the door signals the coming of their host. A hush of silence hits the room as they silently scurry to sit as though they had been sitting still the whole time. The host enters but stays clear of the light. As yet unseen, overhead speakers carry the hosts voice as the question is posed to them:
"What makes you worthy to sit at my table?"
One by one the briefcases are opened and each man places on the table their answer to the question asked: Car keys, house keys, resumes, degrees, trophies, pictures of physical attributes and certifications of every kind. All did this...except for one.
The one that sat still kept his keys in his pocket. His pictures and his licenses all remained in his wallet. He instead decided to place on the table an empty cup and a lined sheet of paper with nothing written on it. At it's side, a neatly sharpened number 2 pencil. The men arrogantly scoffed at his display as he stoically sat in confident silence.
They were all asked to leave...except him...
~Moses Apollo
PS: Only nothing can become something...only "empty" can be filled. Only "broken" can be made whole...only the fertile can be tilled...
I wish I understood more. I wish I knew all things. Wishes that only come true when one is old and all mistakes have been made. Where you look back and begin your sentences with "if I'd known then what I know now...". That place in time where your chair is your friend. Where wisdom seldom does you any good anymore...it is now for others.
Tonight I rip off my skin and replace it with the panoramic digital imagery I have of beauty. A beauty that few actually get to see because they never really take the time to look. Some get to sleep next to it every night. They even get to hear beauty say "I love you". They give nothing but get everything. Never knowing what they really have...never really caring enough so as to just do "what is required". The careless try to rob beauties sheen by creating insecurity and self-doubt through sheer neglect. Where she is then left lonely in a home full of people...now needing to be rebuilt. I don't know what's worse; seeing it and not being able to keep it...or not seeing it at all.
Beauty is broken and left by the side of the road. Beauty is anguish at determined greatness that only arrives for hours at a time. Beauty is hurt and maimed while continuing to hold on to hope for her healing. Beauty is laughing through the pain and in the process...making others laugh too. Beauty is self-sustaining under pressure of heavy weight and burden. Beauty is passionate and knows how to devour flame through release. Wife, mother, lover, girlfriend...friend. Titles that do beauty no justice.
My heart is thankful she can find something in me worthy of her. I may not be able to keep her but the anguish of such a thing is tempered by what my heart has been privileged to witness...her beauty.
"We've been shot up, beat up by the falling of the arrows. Yeah I'm full of deep cuts right down to the marrow..."
Young man heed my words on this night...
Pertaining to women I can assure you that there is nothing on this blog that will advise you in doing as I do save for one recurring theme..."sincerity". I have known a few that have envied my life as a free man only because they truly do not understand that for a man like me such a thing runs the gamut of complexity. Why? Simply because I am who I am. As such I define this life differently than most yet use simplistic terminology to help people understand it's base. Yet what lies underneath it all is way more difficult to explain.
To be sincere means that when you compliment her you are doing so because you mean the compliment. The compliment is not used to lower her defenses enough to engender trust just so you could sleep with her. You have to mean it or ain't worth shit to me.
To be sincere is to understand and greatly appreciate the uniqueness of every soul. To listen to the beauty of her song and appreciate just how much of her is in the song she just sang. Look for her in the song. If you can't or don't want to it ain't worth shit to me.
To be sincere means that you are surrendered to her moment because you truly believe in her and her cause. You've come to listen because you are truly interested to the point of being able to articulate it yourself. If you're not surrendered in her moment then it don't mean shit to me.
To be sincere also means that you must spend time getting to know her heart and mind before you even think about getting to know her body because without understanding the heart and the mind, you can never truly tailor your love specifically for her. All you will be able to perform for satisfaction is a mechanical "paint by numbers" I've often spoken about and there will be nothing behind your endeavour. You have to learn her or it ain't worth shit to me.
Now what does all this mean? It means that if you are a man of conscience you have no choice but to be sincere. It means you can't fake it even if you tried. As such you will come to find that a hole between some legs isn't enough for you. Picturesque model types will need to meet a standard. Tits and ass even the angels crave will have you yawning if these others elements are not met. You will require more for meaning and as such, most of the time...you will remain alone. You will wait for those that can move your soul. At times you will be let down by those pretending to want the same freedom. Showing you how wonderful they are yet driven by agenda. Thinking that because you are just like any other man, you will want that for life. You will meet gamers that wish to challenge you every step of the way, thinking that you just want a challenge only to find yourself moving on yet again because you just are not interested in playtime over control. Tit for tat becomes just "tit" as you yawn yet again until all interest is gone
Young man, many think this life free of pain but as a man of conscience and code, it is replete in "uneasy" frustration and slight disappointment. Those that think otherwise have the idea that callousness is the only way to live this life and they would be correct in part. Yet because I am not callous and choose to feel, it becomes way more difficult. Yet no one will know just how hard it is because they will take a look at the women you've loved and pat you on the back because of a posted picture yet never understand or care that you took the time to know their hearts in intimacy. I was honorable in marriage and I chose to remain honorable...even in this life. I am a lover...not a dog. Even if I can be one if asked...
So peruse this blog from the very beginning and mimic everything I said and did but if you think it only to be about "motions"...you will fail with every encounter. You will become nothing more than a male slut that has to travel to get the same shit you can get in the bathroom all by yourself. Be wise and stay wise...
Now for those of you saying "There he goes again, talkin about how great he is with women"...you can eat shit. Almost every event that has taught me something profound has had a female lead in one of the starring roles. It is my life and to speak about my universe without including that aspect would remain an incomplete story and I will never shortchange a message simply because you want me to show the semblance of false humility. Numbers add nothing to character but oftentimes it has people A) Questioning your veracity and B) Thinking you are full of yourself when the exact opposite is true.
So young man there is no book I can write describing what makes this so called "free life" work. For that I would need to describe rules and points that I know are completely futile. There are no absolute rules in this life because they always crumble under the heaviness of their own weight. Nine times out of ten, you will come to find that it is a rule manufactured for the sole purpose of convenience for the one that wrote it in the first place. If you on the other hand follow that same rule, the person that initiated it will hate you for it. Not because they are evil people but simply because they are human. So always make sure that any demand you place on another is something you are more than able to follow yourself. When it's good, it's great but when it's bad...it's awful.
You want practice in character? This is it homie. I say keep it real in all you do but it's much harder when everything inside is tellin you to use everything (even fraud) to get what every inch of your flesh is crawlin for. It's just like pickin up a 50lb dumbbell when you've been used to pickin up 20's. It's how we get stronger. Remember...sincerity is the only rule you should have. Any more or less...and it don't mean shit to me...
