Have you ever switched up your weight to push your muscles to grow? You've been workin with the 70 lb dumbbells and every workout still feels just as hard. You know you're ready for more but you just don't feel like pushing any harder. Then one day, you wake up to train and find out someone else has monopolized your 70's. You ain't gonna stop just because you don't have the weight you are accustomed to so you have no choice now but to upgrade. Yep...it's time for the 80's. You pick them shits up and you can feel the difference. The heavy, the hard...and shit you dig it all. Feels like a new high. Your reps drop by just two to four so as not to injure yourself but you are now in "challenge mode". Days pass and you can feel the difference in you arms, your chest and back. Your legs are satiated in beautiful soreness and your fuckin joints are creaking. All growing pains before you start seeing the fruits of your new level. One day, for shits and giggles you find those old 70's sittin on the floor. You pick them up out of curiosity and shit, they feel so fuckin light you wonder how this amount of weight could have ever been considered a challenge. You smile because you know better...
All it took to get you from there to here is at the forefront of your mind while you bask in your new level. Is this weight training...or life? I submit to you that this is indeed both as they work the same way to make us stronger. There are pivotal moments in our lives that should have broken us but instead had us rising to the occasion. These trials by fire that take us to new levels that have us bearing unanticipated extra weight. I went through such a trial just days ago and tonight I can tell you that all that once held me with pressure holds me still, but with less grip felt on my end. All that looked almost impossible is now seen as more than probable. Things that troubled me before no longer have the same power and all that I loved before has actually increased in tenderness. It's as though all I love is so beautiful and tender that I must take care not to break them in any way. I know I can't explain it right accept to say that I cannot see how they can be any more beautiful than how I see them now. I am just watching and gauging what I feel in the aftermath of what I went through and it's interesting. There is no trying anymore when all that's left is to "do". My mind is at ease in it's plans to step forward. Plans that seemed daunting at first inception are now seen as the normal progression towards the inevitable. All without fear, trepidation or overthought.
So what just happened? I was presented with a stress level I really didn't think I was prepared for only to find myself easily acclimated to the task. Having now adapted, it has now made all the old stress levels chicken feed....
"Mamacita"...a Spanish word used to describe a woman in one of two ways. Translated, it simply means "little mamma". Now, I have used it to describe attractive women in cute terms and I have consistently seen it used in vulgar ways. Since I've seen it used in vulgar ways, it has lost it's appeal as a word I would use yet some women still smile at it's use. I understand why but I liken it to a woman getting happy over being called a MILF. I see that as insulting to her motherhood but wait...that's only because I am a parent myself ;-)
A few hours ago on Facebook, I was very happy to witness someone I love get the accolades she deserves for being the mother I know her to be. She is beautiful and can easily be described as "hot" but the greatest thing about her was and always will be...her soul. That my friends, is where the instinctive power of parenting comes from. Being a good parent doesn't celebrate "womanhood" as society has placed at the forefront of importance physical attraction and appeal above that which matters most. So accolades for being a good parent are rare when they should in fact be common. I was glad to see it in the measures it was given as she is truly deserving.
Folks, being a parent is not simply a job as much as it is a labor of love. People that have never had a child of their own to raise have never truly known what it means to place oneself and their partner lower in priority by the simple existence of lives they deem to raise. Lives that will carry on their own existence. I knew the very second I held my sons that I was no longer the center of my wife's universe nor was she mine. It was these two lives that now held our strict attention when it came to all we did. We were no longer just man or woman...we were father and mother. As such we became what they needed us to become. The examples they would soon adhere to later in life and with that came an added responsibility to be "responsible". To say what we mean and mean what we say that they may always rest in the consistency of our word. Children made us better because we had to be better for them. We became role models because we had to be examples for them. We became even more honorable because we had to show them the importance of honor.
Now, here is where this gets tricky. With all this being done for them, we became even more desirable. Oh not just attractive, but with honor and character too? Yes...therein lay the catch-22. Most couples in a marriage see it fine to be great mothers and fathers but wind up neglecting a part that still exists...the woman and the man. Now I have written extensively on this blog about my studies as a husband to become a better man for my wife in every way possible lest any other man should try to set foot in an area I had left unattended. Learning how to listen, how to feel as she would and how to love in accordance with her inner and outer motions. All things that if gone neglected, can end a union in ways they can never recover from. So, I learned until these became second nature to me and us. I understood the first and foremost priority of the parent while attending to the woman before me. Doing this gave us great years as a married couple and allowed us to evolve after our amicable divorce.
Now we are both single and in my wanderings as a single man, I can tell you that when men and boys speak of a long-term woman, they will always be pulled towards the single mother. Why? Remember what I stated earlier about parents being better for their children? This is what stands out the most...character. Yet when they do decide to venture into this territory, they either go in with the single man mindset or they go in with the dutiful dad mindset. Two extremes that will either leave the woman wanting...or the mother unimpressed. I've known a few single mothers and they have sadly come back with the same stories. Yet very few truly understand "why".
Oh my beautiful Queens, your children have forced a selfless evolution upon you that even as you entreat a possible suitor, you are thinking "how will this one fit with my child?". You think about babysitters, if your children ate or if they got to bed at a reasonable time while you are on your "date". While your suitors task is simple, it must be understood. All he has to do is give you time to ease your parental mind before he can attend to the woman in you. Yet if he doesn't "get it", he will feel second to your parental role and instead of knowing this adds greatness to your character, he will only view this as "baggage" and you will be disappointed at every turn. You, my beautiful Queens must take your time to truly get to know who these suitors are before a commitment is made because what will inadvertently happen is that you will become disillusioned by your judgement or worse...by love. As parents, we are wired differently. When my children were young, I saw with six eyes instead of two. Now that they are men, it's difficult to see with the two I have left as I still look for more than the selfish are prone to consider. If you were ever a parent, there is no escaping your evolved sensibilities. Don't hate them because few share the same but glory in your advancement as an evolved human being.
So don't you ever allow yourself to become disillusioned. Don't think that you are an island no one wants to live on. Just know that many will come wanting to visit and all you can do is meet them on land for testing to see whether or not they are worth the transport onto your island. You are not the problem, neither is the fact that you have children you are actively raising. The problem my Queens is in finding a suitable King that meets your level and sadly, these are in short supply.
I stopped looking for Queens a long time ago but never gave up on the truth of love and as I had suspected...one fell into my life. Timing and circumstance never allowed it's fruition but what kept me believing, what renewed my zest...was that she existed...and still does. I'm out
As a Star Wars fan, I was told to trust my "feelings" but in truth I have never believed the word "feelings" was the word intended by George Lucas in that context. I will trust my "intuitive feelings" but I will always be suspect of my "general feelings". Why? Intuitive feelings come from the spirit and can see beyond imagery into the truth of things but general feelings from the soul are reactionary to their environment. They can be twisted by false information and they can be directed by peer pressure and/or mental subtleties.
Which leads me to "truth". The one thing I can always rely on when my intuition is off or on the fritz. I will rehearse the facts of a thing in my mind to come to solid conclusions. Conclusions that I will heed to in spite of my feelings on any given thing. You might ask well how does love fit into that equation Mr Loverman!?! Folks, when love is real it ceases to be a feeling. It becomes a fact of life that can never be changed by outer stimuli which can be seen as it's ultimate test. That is the difference between love and true love. General love will change as quickly as one changes their socks but true love is not easily dismissed or replaced. When love becomes truth? That's the real deal...
Truth my friends is rare today as too many have cross pollinated opinion and fact. To opine is to consider feelings in making a determination yet to state a fact is to remove all feelings from a conclusion you may or may not "feel like" agreeing to based on what is known. Due to such blurring of the lines, society has been forced to lower their metric of what is deemed "truth". You can tell me the sky is purple and call it your "truth" but science and facts will disagree. I will tell you that you need to get your eyes checked if you told me that. Now you will probably say "Then it seems like you are basing truth on consensus. What if they were colorblind or had some eyesight disorder? You will say they are in error because they can't see like everyone else can?" No, because most would say that the sky is blue and they would be just as wrong in that determination. Why? A simplistic scientific explanation lets us know that the sky is only blue due to the reflection of the ocean when the sun is out. The sky is actually colorless..truth folks. Truth. I don't do consensus and I don't do feelings. I will respect everyone's feelings but that does not mean I will ascribe to them nor will I try to dissuade them unless asked or if I find their truth a danger to their health. This is why I am so adamant about researching things out. Why I like to hear all sides on a an issue before I make my own determinations. This, yet again, places me in the realm of the relic. Thought, logic and truth are seen as old hat these days so fuck it all...
I ain't changing. Even if everyone around me does and I become a nuisance to their delicate sensibilities...I will remain who I am. Shit!!! Somebody has to!!! I'm out...
c : being out of the ordinary : unusual <a taste for crazy hats>
3
a : distracted with desire or excitement <a thrill-crazy mob>
b : absurdly fond : infatuated <he's crazy about the girl>
c : passionately preoccupied : obsessed <crazy about boats>
Above you will find I have pasted the definition of crazy and you know what? All three describe just about everyone I know...including myself. Those that I know that cannot be described using the term crazy are either dead or catatonic. Yet in this age of information, we look for clinical terms to ascribe to this one or that one. He or she is depressed and/or stressed out which in turn will cause them to unreasonably lash out. I can tell you all about that as having been on both ends of that particular spectrum and when the lash out has been mine, I've always realized it before it got to places I could never return from. Whether it be in phrase or deed, I thank God I have been able to see it right away but there are others that cannot.
There are others that see red and will not stop until they either tire or run out of things to say. Some of those things said or done can be lethal in their delivery. I know this firsthand coming from the family I was born into. Yet what I learned is what I want to share. Knowing myself well, I understand how things can get out of hand. When all filters cease from the mind and you begin to say or do according to pure impulse. When it comes to sexually aggressive passion, this is a boon to unspeakable pleasure but when it comes to anger, understand that it is a path to destruction most people can never come back from which is the very reason I had to learn to control my passions. Not to keep it under submission to inhibit it's strength but to be able to allow it to flow freely when it can only do good.
Now, I have been on the receiving end of lash outs from people that were closest to me. Things I never expected to hear thrown at me from lips I held to great esteem that hurt in ways meant to kill. Then why, you might ask, do I still love them? Why am I not ten thousand miles from their presence? It is quite simple. Their saving grace is that I know them at their deepest...just as I know myself. You would think this means I "take their shit" huh? Not in the slightest as I will do my best to mitigate most situations but when you can't? You walk. Not to leave them but to be able to cool off yourself and give them the chance to gather themselves towards discussion. Dealing with someone in this state is like dealing with someone that is under the influence of drugs and/or alcohol. You always do the best you can to sober them up before any more is said or done. After which, I afford them the opportunity to apologize if one is due. So where do you draw the line? If after they have come back to their sanity and found no error in their behavior and/or speech, then you are dealing with something else. Someone that felt justified in saying and/or doing unacceptable things is someone that will do it again and again until you are inwardly destroyed or outwardly bruised. Take a long open-ended walk on those and the ones that know how to fake apologies. You'll know them by their character.
I am no push-over but I am not a friend and/or lover that gives up on people simply because they hurt my feelings saying something I know they never really meant to say. I show them understanding enough to bear whatever is said or done. So if you want to see if they're worth sticking around for, there is one act I look for above all others...humility. They have to say what they did wrong for it to be considered "a saving grace". It says they want to change. It says they despise this part of themselves. It says that when they do lash out...it isn't really them. It is this "saving grace" that affords them patience and grace from me. A patience and grace I wish would return my way but sad to say, hardly ever is, which is why I have to take special care of my own lash-outs.
Why talk about this now? I can only say that I these past few days have taken me to both spectrums on the extreme and I have survived them both coming through with a deeper understanding that no matter how even-keeled a person may be, you never truly know how deep their stress levels can go and/or take them. Keep your understanding eyes and ears open. You never know what the person you knew for years might be going through until a lash-outs occurs in the extreme. Be there for them if you can and let your love guide your patience and understanding while keeping your mind on alert for bullshit.
So if you are wondering if I tolerate certain things, please be advised. It isn't tolerance. I just understand "crazy"...
You want to know what happens next? Is love truly dead inside or has it been tested enough to know it can endure the greatest grief? What love has gained in him is something he really didn't think he needed...newly, better focused eyes. To see the tiniest of details in that which you choose to love and to be able to decide in strength whether it is either worth letting it go or worth enduring till it's end.
Eyes...he just has to get used to them and ty take them out for a spin or two. With that? Later folks...
I know a man that sacrificed alot for his family and for love. He put his life on hold to be able to see others he cared about progress first. He had many chances to leave and make money but he didnt fly as he wanted to as he was needed home by his family. You would think such an individual would want his due right? Appreciation maybe? No...he found that too much to ask so he settled for wanting the respect he deserved and if that was not possible then at least to be left in peace. If I told you about the concrete floor he's trying to sleep on now you wouldn't believe it. Something died inside tonight...died. All to prove a point that will fall as dead as he feels inside right now. Maybe he was wrong in doing as he did. Maybe he trusted too much or loved too much. Maybe its just time he left all those behind as easily as they tossed him aside...over a piece of fuckin cloth. If the devil had an illegal punch he could throw...it was thrown last night using the very hands he trusted most in this fucked up world. Hands he mistakenly thought strong enough and wise enough to fight off their use. He never saw how they could push him to rage. He never knew they could be used like this. In all his years, if there was one occurance that had the lethality to kill the best in him...this was it. Never again...never again...
He knows now that sweet needs to be judged deeper and all things love need to be put on hold. If ice is the element of the hour then their will be none colder. Whatever he has left is important to him alone and as such he will guard it with everything he has...from everthing and everyone.
