"...one is the loneliest number that you'll ever do..."
I have always said that real growth and change cannot come lest it come from within. Can it be inspired by another?...yes. Yet it must be for one's own sake and not to please another. My last big change came under the pressure of pleasing someone I loved. I did all I could rushing to create an atmosphere where we could be given a chance at a real future. A real future that ultimately lasted about a year. So I stand today without regret or bitterness...just a lesson learned.
Instead of creating an atmosphere for another, I will create one for myself without pressure or fear. When I am done, I will know that if I ask another to join me...they will be sharing in as yet another piece of me. There is always a pretty method to my pretty madness lol
Yeah, it can be kind of lonely but at the end of the day...it's all mine to do with as I please. Besides, the lonely seldom ever have to be "alone". At least in my case anyway...I'm out
In this blog you have read me speak about being a fool for love and some have gladly taken that to heart. Well, I spoke to a young man today with some feedback on this and I feel the need to share it for his own reference and to be able to touch on a very important part of the "fool". So with his permission and careful discretion, I will tell his story leaving out the details:
Mid twenties, good lookin cat meets this young girl. She, by his description is hot with a maturity level he said was evident. Ok, they talk, they go out and they share much. He decides that he is going to shower her with his best and tells her he loves her because after a few months, this is how he feels. He says she seems elated and is well aware of his feelings but that after a few weeks she began to show signs of an unexpected indifference co-inciding with a sudden switch back into elation. He wondered if there was someone else but he was sure there wasn't (I'm still not too sure but whatever, he knows why I say so lol). Now, through it all, he stayed the same as "fools" do. No games, just steady love no matter what. He began to notice that she seemed to act like "she had him like that". As though she could say or do anything and he would not change. He asked me what he was doing wrong because he felt like a fool. I said "exactly homie" lol Except for one little thing...
He did exactly what he was was supposed to do. He gave his gifts freely without recompense...true love. The problem wasn't him...it was that he chose someone that he would come to find was not as mature as he had thought. How does one come to this conclusion? Oh it's very simple. The idea that one would receive such a gift and instead of seeing it as blessing, they see it as just another person that's hungry for something they have that they can now lord over and manipulate. That my people is the clearest sign of the immature. She probably has a few that might be similar but whose intent is far from noble so she doesn't see the difference or she has never truly known someone to be this way just for them. Now I am one to give her the benefit of the doubt and say the latter is so. Why? I have seen way too many fuckboys (even the older men) play the game this way. They come off as though they want longevity just to get some ass. I am seeing this more and more these days which is why I say that I truly do feel sorry for the young. Especially for the good men trying to be right.
Folks, to be a fool does not require you to be a doormat. Nor does it require you to take shit, eat it and say they are the best brownies you've ever had in all your life. If you see this happening, then she either is not ready for a man like you or is just interested in staying in some form of control. Mature folk know what they have when they see it and are willing to compromise for someone like that because they are afraid to lose such a gift. The fools heart will never take that compromise or surrender as a weakness to exploit but instead will be moved into greater love and surrender. This alone will always keep that fool separate from the rest as no bitter word can ever be spoken. I only suggested to him to move on and to keep his gifts hidden until he knows who he is giving to. Never give a gift to someone that A) Will take it for granted or B) Isn't ready to open it. Just keep being a fool for love. Eventually you will come to find someone that knows how to cherish it.
I truly thank God that I have never become ensnared or tangled up with someone like that. Quick story time. I was in a situation years ago. Someone saw what they had in me but it was during a time when I was just beginning to find out all I truly had to offer. This beautiful, seriously "in demand" soul with all her complexities told me that she knew I was all she would ever need. She had a tendency to "play the field" very differently than most because all the people she came across seemed to be lacking in many areas so I understood where she was coming from. I just wasn't ready to accept that I would be all the people she needed me to be. I get it now and I won't cry over spilt milk. I just knew for next time.
Being a fool means you play no games, speak your heart, requited or unrequited and let the chips fall where they may. True love is way too precious to shortchange. If you do this, you will gather beautiful experiences that last a lifetime. Even the pain you feel from rejection produces dividends that will always take you to deeper heights...if you can understand that ;-) So my advice to the young is simple. Love is never the problem and if you do what's right? Neither are you. Get to know who are dealing with before you offer up all that your heart is capable of and "learn" to tell the difference between the fakers and the real. This will save you time and a potentially severe heartache. Good luck out there...I'm out
Yes, things get overwhelming. Yes, I get headaches solving puzzles in my head. Yes, I see too much sometimes and yes...my body is overdoing it. Yes, yes and yes...
Does this mean I get away to feel sorry for myself or change my mind on some things? That is a huge no. I will call it a funk, feeling off or whatever you can understand in 5 seconds or less but there is way more to it than most know. People need to understand that when they feel this way, it is just their being holistically telling them to take a breather. The same way your body lets you know when you're pushing it, so does the heart and the mind. Yet what do we do now? We go to doctors to give us shit. We have a drink to numb the pain, quiet the voices and remove the signs of direction that require decisive action. Just so we can continue on in the muddled mess and call ourselves "strong". What good is strength if you cannot regulate your power or wield it properly? It's like running into battle with blind rage. Yeah, you'll take quite a few people out...including yourself.
I take my time to re-organize my mind. To re-prioritize my thoughts properly and bring my heart into the place it should be for it's own success. To feel, see and hear sharply. To never allow a jump to conclusions. To reason through my emotions until my mind and body can facilitate my hearts desire. It is in these times when you can see it all because all the speakers to your stereo have been blown out from being played too loud. Now, you are ready to process everything. It is in this place where you find reason to show grace. Where you are able to see another's vantage point. Where you are able to solidify love by reconciling your heart with your mind. Where you get to know them at heart from all that's been said, felt and done. If they only knew how much you speak to them or have them in mind, they would truly get tired of you but that is a discussion for another time. Yet most of all, this time of silence...is where I find new reasons to keep writing.
No one will ever truly know how much is spent when one spills out his soul in creative ways. I could write two pieces a day and each will take a part of me to create. It's not just rhymes and it's not just a story. Real art is a piece of one's soul. Sometimes it flows easy but most times, it takes quite a bit of soul regurgitation to formulate the outer and inner messages behind each one. I could receive the most expensive gifts in the world but none ever equals the vastness of value that comes from deep inside a more valuable world than this one...the heart. I have been left speechless by some writings and even a simple song sung from someone dear. You really just don't know what to say because I know what it takes to do that. So it is in these moments of silence where I, holistically find my center while at the same time...become more difficult to understand.
I have spoken many times about my dualistic nature. Moses and Apollo. Moses being the man of duty that has an earthly history and character that co-incides with his experience. Apollo being the man of eros, incessant passion, craving and artistic creativity. Yet both co-existing in a house that can more than adequately fulfill the tasks both require at any given moment. Both finding place in each other. Sometimes stepping on each other's toes but both sharing in quality. Some might think this crazy or some kind of displacement. Oh, how narrow is their mind. No, it is my way of finding room and purpose for all that is good in me without contradiction. Where Moses will make love, Apollo will turn it into something more. Moses has a keen sense of morality, Apollo keeps a code...they meet in the middle when it's called for. Is that clear enough? Good but it just makes me a hard man to "learn". I never have a "one size fits all" for the upper layers of humanity and because of this, what you thought will get a man going might make me yawn. Yet once I am "learned", most come to find me very easy to please. Most aren't willing to take the time to learn that dichotomy but you know what ? I really don't give a shit anymore...
I will do as I do irrespective of who understands it. In time, those that care "get it" and those that don't? I can't do nothin for em.
So my people, don't be fooled into believing that your "downed" feeling is simply a depressive state. Look inside and see with new eyes that all you really need is a recharge. Take your time to do things right as the best things in life are never rushed. Culmination points are great but you know what's even better? The journey there...I'm out
I wrote this piece back in 2011. Reading it again...I'm glad it's still true except for one thing. I am no longer "jaded"...
"Her when she says "I love you" even when she doesn't show it all the time. I still believe that when she holds my hand she's happy mine is the one she gets to hold. I still believe that when tears stream down her face they're not the crocodile kind. I still believe her when she says "I care" and cups my face in her hands with the affection of someone dear...and close. I still believe in love...I still believe in her...I have seen just enough to know that it's all still true...
One day the scales will fall and all will be clear. One day I'll get to keep an embrace. One day I'll be who I said I would be and one day...I will have my joy
You ever get so tired that you feel like laying down and forgetting the world? I feel like that at this very moment. Your mouth is tired of speaking, your mind is spent from thought and your body can only take so much more. I think a bit of silence is in order...
We push anyway don't we? Maybe not today...
Or at least until I hear "Phone for you...it's life". Fucker calls me all the time..I'll remedy that too lol
The king in heavy thought was ready to express himself. He stood before his audience and all that he thought to say was..."You know..."
Leaving his audience he doubted his delivery and words would make the point for all he wanted to say but he kept hearing those words over and over again..."...you know..." You see he had this image in his mind of a puzzle. A complex puzzle that once completed would form a map made specific to his journeys. Journeys that had the capacity to reach higher ground for the next map to be put together from puzzle pieces.
The first map needed no pieces as his father had given him that one to start his journey along. The next map was an actual puzzle whose final piece was prayed for. Delivered to the king by God Himself under the strangest of circumstances. It was a hard map to follow but that would be the longest journey he would face. Making him a man worthy of his crown. The map after that one needed a jagged piece. It fit but it made no sense to him as to why or even how. He followed by sheer blind passion towards a journey that was short but hard. All the hows and the whys were answered some time after his journey had ended. It left him mapless and dangling in the air teaching him how to survive in the wilderness. Skills he could never learn in the comfort of a home were now mastered by him. Finally coming to terms with the idea that a king could reign mapless, he took all he learned from both journey's to begin creating another map of his own making. An extremely complex map of what he considered "a way with no way" and as he looked for that final piece, he came to understand that many pieces would fit that final spot just fine but none afforded him the culmination needed for the map to flow towards the higher ground he sought. Some pieces felt so comfortable but their faces would not match the map's flow. Others matched the map's flow but did not feel as right. So he looked back at the other two that had brought him this far and found that their similarities had nothing to do with ease, comfort or even flow but had everything to do with a "locking in" that would occur at their placement. It was as though the pieces themselves knew they belonged. As though you could leave them be for years and they would still feel misplaced wherever they were even though they completely fit elsewhere...they just wouldn't lock in. When they were placed perfectly, they would singe themselves into the puzzle itself. Once locked in, it was impossible for them to be removed because the puzzle would then cease to be a puzzle and become an actual map. Ready to read...ready to flow...
This particular map was different than the other two. Oddly shaped but beautiful in it's culmination because it was in fact, open-ended and flowed differently than the other two. Describing something that looked more like an adventure with less to learn and more to accomplish. So one night the king... To be continued...pretty soon...
What is the meaning of this parable? Them that have ears to hear...let them. To them that don't? I guess you weren't meant to... Just one thing though...the pieces? Have puzzles of their own ;-)
This night I feel spent. As though I have centered my heart on something heavy to be able to finally release it for rest. No my pretty soul(s), it's not what you think...that can never happen...
I can remember many times growing up in the church how people would pull me aside and tell me their troubles. In private they would cry as they told me their innermost secrets. I'd share my insight with them and watch them feel refreshed and recouped from something heavy. Days would pass and as was my way, the secret conversation never took place so by their subsequent actions, I would no longer exist until the next time they needed counsel. If I was invited anywhere, it was usually to speak to a friend of theirs that needed help. I stood neutral among clicks of groups that I never could belong to and although I felt bitterness creeping in because of it, I never let it happen. My true friends were like me and I could count them on one hand. Later I would understand that their need for clicks was just something teenagers did so it's burden lessened. I was beginning to understood something...
Years later I would focus on my home as a husband and a father. All the while becoming a man...the same would follow me. Except this time, favor and outward praise came with it. I'd be on ships listening to men that would never cry unload their cares on me. One case stunned me beyond words. A young man known to be a hard rapper divulged to me the secrets of his life. In tears he told me how much he truly loved his kids and how he wished he could be free from the facade of being "hard" all the time. How he couldn't hold back tears when he had to say goodbye for the first time as he loaded his belongings onto the bus for his maritime training. I told him that if ever he wanted to be himself, he'd always know where to find me. I witnessed first hand how the troubles of teenagers shift as they grow older but you see I knew that...as I was now a man. I was beginning to understand something more...
After my divorce women that I have entreated would seek me out to unload. I would get screeds in emails of relationship issues or life issues I would stay up late to answer. I was their momentary escape. Sometimes through physical intimacy, other times through speech but there was this one revealing moment I will never forget. As was my way, at night I would light candles and softly play my guitar or listen to The Cinematic Orchestra play off my system with a glass of wine at my side. Night time for me was special because the world was quiet. You feel only your heartbeat when it's quiet and all the voices that ring heavy in the world are silenced. Without divulging too many details, a beautiful soul asked to come over. She came upstairs and instead of what you might think, we did something different. She just sat next to me and said nothing. We listened to music, drank some wine and watched the shadows dance to the candlelight until we fell asleep. She basically just tagged along for one of my normal nights. She kissed me in the morning, said "thank you" and left. I wandered the promenade in thought that day wondering what I had done as I did nothing different from any other night that was my own. I was just being myself. Folks, looking back, I could call my place a den of sin all I want but I can also call it a place many considered a sanctuary. A place that offered me good times and bad. The bad is all but gone now and all that is left is beauty. Yet I can say today that all this is not in some "den" nor is it in the guitar, the wine or the candles...it's in me where it's always been. Not always perfect but sewn in me for perpetual existence. Now, I understand. Yet not just for the sake of awareness but more...unto acceptance...
From time to time I come to these realizations about myself only to come close to resenting them all over again for my solitude. I pray that this one sticks this time. It's very easy for humble folk to own up to all the wrongs they've done but to accept credit is near impossible. I see them as giftings from God so I will not accept credit for how I made you feel. Instead, I will thank God for the gift he's given me to be an escape for many that are burdened.
Now, was all this just about me? Did I just take 3 minutes of your time to tell you how great I am? No my loves. This...is about you. You with the gifts that are going to waste. Allowing fear to keep you bound into a place of complacency. Keeping quiet what you know is in you but are afraid to acknowledge because if you were to acknowledge it would mean acting on that knowledge. Stop being afraid of what makes you great. Accept it. Live and breathe out your gift. Not just in your profession, but in your daily walk. The more you understand about your purpose, the more sense your life will make in panorama from your beginnings to your present day...I'm out
