What if you could go back and relive the past? Make different choices based on all you know now that has happened. By the time you were done course correcting you'd wind up an ultra-sensitive, entitlement-minded, spoiled impetulant child with zero life experience. Basically...a neophyte.
In truth, if I did that, I'd be saying yes this very day to many things I have just said no to. Which incidentally is the purpose for this entry. As a reminder that no matter how much the past I have rightfully left behind tugs at me...I will not yield to it's call. I took way too many hits to do otherwise. Too many people live in vicious cycles because maybe they didn't get hit hard enough the first time out to learn the proper lesson. They keep going back to what didn't work thinking they could do it right this time "if only" they would turn right instead of left...good luck with that. If one has truly changed for the better then you can never change the past. All you can do is look ahead with the eyes and sensibilities you have today. As for me? I have new lessons to learn and old ones to build upon from new experiences. So yeah...I got some stuff to do. I'm out...later ;-)
I have been wanting to write about this deal here for quite some time but if written in frustration, it would come out really wrong. Now settled into my quiet zone I can address this issue. You ready gents?
When is it ever a good time to fight another man for a woman? Never...
Oh but wait... Indulge me for a few more seconds of brain power here. If a man shows up wanting to fight you for the hand of your woman, first, ask him why he believes he can claim her. If he begins with..."she said she loved me" or "we've been talking" or "we made love" ask him for proof. If he brings you proof, bring this man to her and with a smile tell him "she's all yours...have fun" and keep it moving. Now, if he is delusional and your woman has not entertained any of his advances then speak to your woman to make it clear to him that she has not nor ever will be interested in him. If he persists, then and only then do you have my blessing to beat his delusional ass for the sake of honor alone for he has disrespected your place and your relationship. Clear? Good...
What is the moral behind these rules? Always find out if your woman has been the catalyst behind another man's claim of "place" in her life. If she flirted with him and gave him time enough to naturally conclude that he is in the running for her then she needs to go and you need to celebrate that loss. Time and energy are extremely important so do not under any circumstances waste it on bullshit. If she wants to play, let her play without you because while she may feel a rush over the fact that men are fighting over her, you are the one wasting time and energy over foolishness. Spill blood for noble reasons...not for the ego of someone else that is already looking to better you. Go home, make yourself a sandwich. Kick up your feet and better her.
Allow me one more that is a bit more complex and nuanced. You meet this beautiful woman. There is no commitment but you're hitting it off. You both know that and all is clear. One of her other men sees that you speak to her and for whatever unjustified reason, feels threatened by you. He begins to check you out even though they have the same type of open relationship. Maybe they are getting more serious than you were led to believe but you wouldn't know that because it's really none of your business. All you know is that she is alluding to "issues" and you say "fine". There is nothing there and no need for you to concern yourself as to whether or not you are getting in the way. You go on about your business as usual. He now begins asking her about you and tells her that the only reason he is asking is because he thinks you are following him around. Instead of laughing this off, she questions you as though there was some truth to his claims. You are not only amused at the thought that someone would make that claim about you but you are now beside yourself that she would even entertain that bullshit. Given that you are not committed to her and that you now realize that he needed to be led to believe that they are getting closer what do you do? Simple...you step aside. You don't blame her for his insecurities nor should you remain upset that she believed his lunacy but you no longer want any part of the mess that will come from her being with a man like that or any other that may come along. It was understood so no harm done except that now you are forced to really keep your distance from someone you have come to love. It's hard to end the warm platitudes of a burgeoning romance but for the sake of the fullness of her experience you do so even as it kills you. Move forward and press on as though nothing has taken place...fake it. You do so because this is her journey and if you love her, you will understand the deeper significance that will come of it. Be there if she needs you, check up on her from time to time and if the love was real...it will endure. If not? It was a beautiful moment in time you will never forget.
So gents, in the former example, you let it go lovely because she was playing games. In the latter, you let it go begrudgingly because you want no part of the games being played on her. In either case...you keep your peace intact. Never fight without good reason and never allow yourself to be a pawn in anyone's game. If you know who and what you are, you will live a life without regret or fear. If you don't? Shit I can't help you with that...I'm out
"...and so it goes, and so it goes...and so will you soon I suppose..."
Have you ever found yourself wanted? I mean where you know it to the core. You feel them in your bones. You take glances at them when they are unaware and catch them losing their cool as they try to sit still but can't. That giddy little girl wants to dance but they subdue the hell out of her. They fear you will look at them as any other silly girl that giggles at the sight of you but what they don't know is (at least with me)...it's impossible to view them any differently than you do now. You know they feel as they do but are afraid of being vulnerable around you so they decide to go the other way. Instead of showing the interest they actually feel, they shy away from any such actions that may seem to place them under your thumb. Making them seem cold in the process. Making you question their desire for you. Making you question why you are even there. Oh, they will throw kernels your way from time to time but always treading carefully that it isn't anything too big. Strange way to love? Or all just too damn human?
Now you in your way do all you can to show how you feel. You say all you feel to say without fear and even though you get nothing of equal value back, you're unconditional love keeps you there as though their simple presence was enough to equal in value. That is until your mind begins to try to reconcile it all so that you can holistically be assured that your love's course is the prudent one. This is where it all gets tricky. You see you already know they desire you but for several reasons are too afraid to let go and show the extent of it. You being as you are decide to apply understanding and wait, keep doing as you do and watch where the process goes. Sadly...it usually stays right where it is and you may have inadvertently lent a hand in keeping things as they are. How? You never changed. You never budged. Giving them the illusion that all is fine the way things are and that your love as manifested will remain that way in perpetuity when logistically speaking...it just can't. No matter how unconditional your love is, it still needs fuel to fire it and without any fuel from them, you will eventually peter out. Not because you love them any less but because your efforts will eventually run out of gas. Now, if you are blessed, their self-awareness will kick in to look at where they may be able to improve things, cut things off or decide to let go of the fear and trust you will see their actual desire for you as something to be cared for as opposed to something to be taken advantage of. Yet in this day of gamesmanship, I can tell you that this justifiable fear is not an easy thing to break because if you listen enough, you will hear how many times they loved fully only for that love to be taken for granted or even sometimes...abused.
So where are you left? You are left with "friends" that you wanted to love fully but couldn't because the process of inner reconciliation would not allow it and they are left wondering if there is still a chance that never materializes. You watch them go off with those they know they will not have to invest in fully because what they get from them is standard and something they can handle just fine. You advise them in their relationships and nurse them when it fails. You hear them tell you "I wish he was more like you..." and you chuckle because you remember that at one time...it WAS you. You love them still. They love you still but nothing ever comes of it because of fear. Fear that they will not see you the same anymore. Fear that you may be too much to handle. Fear that they may not be able to live up to the greatness you see in them. Fear that you will lose the image of them that you have when all the while, you have learned them from their perfection all the way through to their imperfection and have not moved your love away an inch. Even the fear that they may not be able to live up to the sexual prowess they professed in speech as though you expect what is said to manifest itself right away when you know that sexual communication is a learning process worth taking your time with...savoring every damn class.
In truth this universal "you" I am speaking of...is me. This has happened to me four times in my life. Each one different, beautiful and unique. Yet each having the same history of disappointment with differing levels of gravity. Folks, good men are so rare these days that when one is actually presented, he is scrutinized to the point of rendering the conclusion "he just can't be real". A phrase affixed to him like a mark of incredulity. Of the four I have experienced, three have waited years for me to change and still I have not. Waiting for the supposed "true colors" to materialize. Where all of a sudden, the hidden evils of me are presented. They're still waiting and I don't blame them but I also know their boat came and went several times. Will it ever again? I honestly don't think so as I am at the point where I want for nothing anymore and anything we may ever engage in again will be a momentary exercise. Meaningful, valued and extraordinary yes...but momentary. You might be asking yourself "What sets them apart from all the others?" Well, I saw in them the potential for my complete surrender. Something I have only done twice in my life. Who knows? Maybe that's what they feared..and so it goes. I guess I have accepted this is the way things are. Now, am I crying myself to sleep at night because of it? The real question is why I should I? If this is the price to pay for being a good man in this fucked up world then I'll bear the pain and pay it proudly. I won't lessen my love or curb it in the slightest. I will live and love with as much ferocity as my heart can stand. I will not change. As I said in my last post, this last one was the hardest and I'm still trying to figure out why it weighs so heavy on me as I still feel her pace...I still feel the beat of her heart. I know in time, it will come to me and all will be as it should. It's OK...what will be will be...trust it...
I have oftentimes glamorized loss because of the pain's ability to shed true light on what these people meant to us. An uncalled for slap across the face was enough to understand that it was time, at least for now...to back away. Never an easy thing but this one was truly hard on me. I find some solace in being able to vomit that tired old cliche "I guess it's all for the best". She will find someone that is better suited to her needs. That won't have my issues or circumstances. Someone she will not be afraid of getting close to. Someone that can touch her. In time, she'll come to forget me or maybe even come to hate me but as far as I'm concerned...I have no regrets...
I will endure...just limping for awhile is all. I am blessed to have known her for as long as I did and yes...to have loved her for as long as I did. So I pray God bless her with the best in all things great and small. Who is she? She was my "pretty" and that's all you need to know.
Sadder than one can comprehend but as in all things...it'll pass.
For two nights Sir John sought refuge among old friends and new. Restless was his mood from obligations pulling at him in every direction as what was foreseen was beginning to take shape. He simply looked for an old face who unbeknownst to him was having guests over for no reason at all.
The first night was old and new to him. Walking out of his home in the most casual attire possible was just happenstance since he had no idea what he was in for. As he walked inside, his friend greeted him and whispered in his ear that he had guests over and if he wanted, he could come back later. Sir John didn't care, he just wanted a place to go. However when he walked in, he saw people he knew and a younger crowd he did not know. He greeted those he knew and headed straight for the open bar. He found his grapefruit juice and had at it. Sitting there alone, he was greeted by three young ladies. Two at once and the third a bit after that. The first two were quite obvious in their interest as he sat entertained by their lack of couth and grace. Pawing at him as though he were a showpiece. After some time, he graciously accepted their numbers as the third one came up to him. He knew this one and they spoke for some time about some serious issues she was having but of course, as with the last two...she also left her number. After he had been spent, he told his friend he was leaving and as soon as he stepped outside, he tossed the numbers of these three beautiful women in the nearest trash can. He walked home wondering laughing at himself. Wondering why he wasn't interested. Wondering if something was wrong with his interest meter.
The next night was supposed to be a quiet night at his friend's house so he took another trip and just as before, he was met with the same conditions. Luckily the same women were not there but a young man approached him instead. This young man had seen what had happened the night before. He introduced himself as "Timmy". Timmy was an obviously younger man with no seasoning at all. He seemed to have ventured as far as his borough in terms of understanding. After some small talk, it became clear that Timmy was more interested in showcasing what he could "do" in terms of women than having a real conversation. Almost as if he had seen what happened the night before and thought himself the better "player". He began to equate himself with Sir John when it came to female appeal and out came the photos. Photo after photo, he displayed the pictures sent to him by the girls he had slept with. Photos that no gentleman would dare show in a public setting. Especially of those he claimed to have shared intimacy with. He tried to name them all but couldn't and almost prided himself in this fact. Sir John, unimpressed simply "hemmed and hawed" at the dirty pictures of these children he was being shown. Timmy then asked him "You must have a bunch of pictures?!?" Sir John was a man of discretion and never sought to brag since he saw the women he had been intimate with as a blessing but he could not pass up on the lesson he could teach this young man. This young man thought it appropriate to have a meal at one home, sex at another and find solace in as yet another. As though he could build the perfect woman out of many. Not even caring that each one had many more unexplored qualities. That each one may have been able to sustain him if he had only took the time to look a little bit deeper.
So out came Sir John's phone. He found decent pictures of the women he had loved and began by detailing the accomplishments of each. Their favorite color, their favorite foods, their established professions and their aspirations for purpose. With each photo Timmy felt just a little bit smaller as these women were stunning to him. All had class and style. Even the rough ones were of unmatched unique quality. All were real human beings capable of sustaining themselves and some...even had their own children. Some wanted companionship, some wanted intimacy, some wanted physical climax but each had their own unique quality worthy of the best they could possibly have. At the end of his lesson, he leaned in and spoke to Timmy..."Don't ever be impressed that I had these women because looks and numbers mean nothing...what matters most is that these great women saw and still see something in me that I still, for the life of me...can't figure out". As he said that, he felt his eyes water just a bit. Feeling a bit overwhelmed, he said his good-byes and went on home. What was a lesson for Timmy, raised yet again the question Sir John chose to ignore because he simply could not answer it. What was it about him? Introspective to a fault, he knew his virtues outweighed his vices but what blessing and grace to have seen love freely given by greatness. To see it still. To experience it in every different form imaginable and still be able to find something new. He lacked no confidence and remained self-assured yet no matter how many times what is seen in him is numbered off by words...he still cannot accept himself as deserving of all he has had. I guess he'll just have to forget the question all over again...or maybe, just maybe, finally learn the lesson his as yet self-imposed lonely heart needs to learn. Or not...hope abides...
"Well it's not far down to paradise...at least it's not for me..."
He sails to deep waters where most are afraid to go in a boat so beautiful it can be seen for miles offshore. He has no net to cast and no one to buy his fish. Yet he sets sail for other reasons...
He sails to watch the sunrise in the morning to remind him that every day is new. He sails to be able to see the Glory of God at sunset knowing that no matter what happened in the day, there is peace at it's end. At night, he marks the stars in the clearing of the skies to see how they have changed into something more wonderful than he could have ever calculated himself. He sails to mark the meaning of life itself in the beauty of it's light and the in the fear of it's darkness...
Yet still the question remains: Why a fishing boat without the intention to catch fish? In the world he lives, every man is given a fishing boat with the intention to catch fish yet every man is free to choose what he does with it. He casts no nets yet some fish are still drawn to the boat itself by it's beauty and others swim by occasionally to hear him play his songs. In deep waters, there are sea creatures of every kind imaginable. Some can blind you with their beauty and some can repel you by their ugliness. His decision on which fish to tend to is based on intent itself. He tends to the ones that come to hear him because they are drawn to more than what they see. Very seldom though, he will also tend to them that are drawn by the beauty of the boat when he sees that they now see more as well. Due to this, he tends to very few...
For a time, he thought to sail the rest of his life. That a Fisherman's life was by design "free". That is until he came to the deeper understanding that just because he had the title of "fisherman", did not mean he had to live by it's intended meaning. That to really be free he would allow himself the choice to sail or not to sail. So he built a home on land and in it, he placed a beautiful pond. That if he should ever find a fish worth housing...he would have a place for it. For now, you can still find him out at sea. Still...the Fisherman...
Preface: Had a talk with an old friend tonight that asked me about an issue she was having. I suppose my answer to her is worth sharing here as well...
Sum Of Our Experience (With Eyes Wide Open):
We hear this alot and think and we know exactly what it means. We look back on our successes and count them as though these alone make us who we are. The hard truth is that it is our response to failure that brings out the caliber of person we were created to become. The flavor of success is best tasted only after you've been able to savor the bitterness of failure. When we find the lesson in the loss and the purpose in the pain is when we are able to change direction towards the betterment of ourselves and fear is the only thing that can keep us stagnant. The fear of experience and the fear of coming to the needed conclusion we might not want to accept. My people, it is jarring to find that our wants and needs are not the same and that there will be certain times when we will need to forgo one for the other. It can be disappointing when we find that life has changed us to the point where the clothes we were hoping to wear again one day will no longer fit us the same. Then sometimes we are faced with the scariest prospect of all...that we no longer want what we used to. That we need something more than what we've been accustomed to for fulfillment in one area or another. Folks, what makes such a thing so frightening is the idea that we will have to experience a world unknown to us to find it. Some may shrink from the challenge while others will face it to flourish.
In my time on earth I found there are many ways to teach a thing but no lesson given will ever change a life as much as experience can. She has been my friend and teacher so I will only tell you what I know of her: Experience points the way to growth, experience makes the lines we should draw in the sand visible and it is experience that lets us see which roads will allow us to thrive and which roads will bring us to destruction. Just make sure she is faced wide eyed, with courage and the willingness to accept her hard advice and you will find her friendship just as valuable as I do. Breathe, live, watch, learn and grow...much love. I'm out
