"it was a very good year..."
The first night was old and new to him. Walking out of his home in the most casual attire possible was just happenstance since he had no idea what he was in for. As he walked inside, his friend greeted him and whispered in his ear that he had guests over and if he wanted, he could come back later. Sir John didn't care, he just wanted a place to go. However when he walked in, he saw people he knew and a younger crowd he did not know. He greeted those he knew and headed straight for the open bar. He found his grapefruit juice and had at it. Sitting there alone, he was greeted by three young ladies. Two at once and the third a bit after that. The first two were quite obvious in their interest as he sat entertained by their lack of couth and grace. Pawing at him as though he were a showpiece. After some time, he graciously accepted their numbers as the third one came up to him. He knew this one and they spoke for some time about some serious issues she was having but of course, as with the last two...she also left her number. After he had been spent, he told his friend he was leaving and as soon as he stepped outside, he tossed the numbers of these three beautiful women in the nearest trash can. He walked home wondering laughing at himself. Wondering why he wasn't interested. Wondering if something was wrong with his interest meter.
The next night was supposed to be a quiet night at his friend's house so he took another trip and just as before, he was met with the same conditions. Luckily the same women were not there but a young man approached him instead. This young man had seen what had happened the night before. He introduced himself as "Timmy". Timmy was an obviously younger man with no seasoning at all. He seemed to have ventured as far as his borough in terms of understanding. After some small talk, it became clear that Timmy was more interested in showcasing what he could "do" in terms of women than having a real conversation. Almost as if he had seen what happened the night before and thought himself the better "player". He began to equate himself with Sir John when it came to female appeal and out came the photos. Photo after photo, he displayed the pictures sent to him by the girls he had slept with. Photos that no gentleman would dare show in a public setting. Especially of those he claimed to have shared intimacy with. He tried to name them all but couldn't and almost prided himself in this fact. Sir John, unimpressed simply "hemmed and hawed" at the dirty pictures of these children he was being shown. Timmy then asked him "You must have a bunch of pictures?!?" Sir John was a man of discretion and never sought to brag since he saw the women he had been intimate with as a blessing but he could not pass up on the lesson he could teach this young man. This young man thought it appropriate to have a meal at one home, sex at another and find solace in as yet another. As though he could build the perfect woman out of many. Not even caring that each one had many more unexplored qualities. That each one may have been able to sustain him if he had only took the time to look a little bit deeper.
So out came Sir John's phone. He found decent pictures of the women he had loved and began by detailing the accomplishments of each. Their favorite color, their favorite foods, their established professions and their aspirations for purpose. With each photo Timmy felt just a little bit smaller as these women were stunning to him. All had class and style. Even the rough ones were of unmatched unique quality. All were real human beings capable of sustaining themselves and some...even had their own children. Some wanted companionship, some wanted intimacy, some wanted physical climax but each had their own unique quality worthy of the best they could possibly have. At the end of his lesson, he leaned in and spoke to Timmy..."Don't ever be impressed that I had these women because looks and numbers mean nothing...what matters most is that these great women saw and still see something in me that I still, for the life of me...can't figure out". As he said that, he felt his eyes water just a bit. Feeling a bit overwhelmed, he said his good-byes and went on home. What was a lesson for Timmy, raised yet again the question Sir John chose to ignore because he simply could not answer it. What was it about him? Introspective to a fault, he knew his virtues outweighed his vices but what blessing and grace to have seen love freely given by greatness. To see it still. To experience it in every different form imaginable and still be able to find something new. He lacked no confidence and remained self-assured yet no matter how many times what is seen in him is numbered off by words...he still cannot accept himself as deserving of all he has had. I guess he'll just have to forget the question all over again...or maybe, just maybe, finally learn the lesson his as yet self-imposed lonely heart needs to learn. Or not...hope abides...
~Moses Apollo Apolinaris
