This one didn't hit as hard. It's only sting was a deep disappointment. One I had been waiting for but secretly hoped would never happen but it was only a matter of time.
When one lives as much as I have, you see patterns within the construct of the human soul. You know when X takes place...Z is just around the corner and sometimes you hope beyond hope that Z will hit lightly but when it hits hard, it does irreparable damage. It's like watching a boxing match. Your fighter gets knocked out in the first few seconds and the way he goes down makes you turn away. All that smack talk. All that bluster. All that training didn't mean shit in the end. He did the one thing he knew he should never do. He ran in heart first only to be met by the knock-out blow to the head. Humans make "foolish" decisions all the time and his exuberance to get back in the ring was his biggest mistake. He didn't study the fighters. He didn't feel out the terrain. He chose to fight exactly the way he did in his last bout only to land flat on his back. This is your soul-friend. You feel it as he does.
Now, in the ambulance on his way to the hospital, he opens his eyes and sees me there. He expects "I told you so". He expects a play by play of his error. I say nothing. I just let him know that it gets better. It's time to rest now. That's who I am. You see he never told me he was entering the ring again but I knew. I saw it happen and said nothing until he thought it right to tell me. Now that he has, it is my time to be his corner man. I've been in the ring just enough times to know what will happen and how bad it hurts to be wrong. I've been hit with the same blow by the same mistake.
A blow I fear I will never recover from.
I suddenly open my eyes to find myself sitting in the stands waiting for the fighters to enter the ring. Maybe the outcome will be different. Maybe she will prove me wrong. In either case...I'll be right by her side till the end...
"...I want to drink you sober. I want to feel you...want you to be my lover..."
Paint by numbers...a nifty little program designed to teach novices how to paint. They are told that green is the number two on the canvas. That black is the number six and so on... I believe it is just fine to teach this way but in order to really call something art, it must be expressed from the inside out. In this, there is life that breathes through every crevasse of that canvas. Strokes change by feeling, mood and temperament...like a man possessed by the moment. That is real and lasting...pure.
So I have stolen the name of this teaching tool to identify the novice that does his best to read up on books to satisfy his lover. Yet instead of following his own path after absorbing the benefit of another's experience, this novice adhere's to the letter of all he reads and begins to implement a "one size fits all" approach. Memorizing technique and movement...a lick here, a twist there along with the gratuitous "what's my name?" showmanship lol Fine, good, nice...but at some point, while he's doing his "thing", he looks up at her and her eyes are open like she just passin time. He sees her mouth the words "what the fuck" lmao At this point all he learned goes out the door and he begins to rehearse in his mind all the chapters with the intention of throwing everything at her but the kitchen sink (unless of course he thinks she might get off on that too lol). What a fuckin disaster. With confidence in his abilities shot, performance anxiety kicks in and the hard rocket he was sportin turns into a wet noodle...that's all she wrote folks.
"I'm sorry baby, I'm just really tired"
What did he do wrong? Was it the books? Was it his adherence to the letter? No and no...it was much more than that. Folks, some sex books can be priceless so long as they are kept in proper perspective. When a man writes a sex book, the reader should not look at what he did to satisfy this nameless woman but rather what state she was in that allowed that spring to burst. The dirty little secret is something so simple most will dismiss it and opt for some "porn-learnin" lol Good, a part of me don't want you little boys to know this anyway.
It's less than technique. It's less than bravado. It's all about her...
In order for a woman to reach orgasm there has to be a level of trust that allows her to be that vulnerable with you. Now I'm not talking about chemically induced inhibition. That shit usually turns out sloppy, dead and forgettable. I'm talking about that inhibition you will remember and revel in. You're sober, lucid...and given in. You must create that environment where there is beauty in every naked flaw. Where she is not judging her body as if in front of a mirror. She knows you see her and she is still beautiful...desired. This is a place where there is no judgement towards what she wants to say or do...you are down no matter what (unless of course she's a freak and you have an aversion to objects making their way up your ass, yeah that's kind of where I draw the line) This is like setting up the canvas to begin painting. If this is constant with the one you love, set-up comes naturally...it's "easy". Now, we may have a bunch of assholes out there thinkin..."shit I can do this, I know just what to say". Well I got news for you little boys. This sort of thing takes depth and maturity. Why? Because in order for this to be effective...it must be sincere. Oh shit, there's that word!!! I know I just lost about 75% of you right there. Go back to your "porn-learnin"...cause yeah uh, all that's real.
After your canvas is sprawled out before you, it's time for you to paint like a blind man. Feeling your way through. Relying on subtle movements and what they mean. Where are you going wrong and where you going right is all there in her body language. Take time to learn it, to breathe it in. So that when it's time to exhale, you will only express "her". Now my friends...you can paint. You can create nights longed for and remembered. Most go in looking to conquer and that's where they fail. Go in looking to sincerely surrender and that's where you'll find your reward.
What is my reward? Knowing that I had a small but instrumental part in the moments bliss of someone that I deeply care for. For me, that's more than enough...
When things seem to be standing still. Where nothing happens. The train you're on just stops. While the train is moving, you imagine your destination to be everything you hoped for but when it stops? You do your best to ignore the symptoms associated with being immobile. You know it's not even a bump. You know all will be OK because guess what? You're still on the train...
You know for sure it will start up again and we'll be underway. In the meantime...there's some other stuff that needs tending...
Tonight, I'm all about the "pet peeve" and after watching this video and others just like it...damn I was right lol
If you've read my previous entries on this blog, you will notice how much I despise the insidiousness behind the creation of lemmings to advance an agenda. Unfortunately, we can even see how the media has pushed an unrealistic perception of beauty that has left many men and women striving for the unattainable...all in the name of "moving a product".
Keeping things real, we have to admit the truth. The first thing one sees is the physical to measure attraction. That's normal and if anyone says otherwise, they're deluding themselves but what if everything you see in that pic is manufactured? What if it's all just make-up? Have you ever thought what these celebs really look like under all that? No one really gives thought to that anymore. People rarely give thought to anything anymore. They drool over pics people put up on Facebook or dating sites. Mesmerized by the standard "T and A" shot. Shit, any woman can arch her back and attain the same shot at just the right angle. I'm sorry to say but that no longer impresses me. In any pic, the only truth that can be found for me in terms of beauty...is in the eyes. You can't Photoshop intensity, pain, fire, lust or real passion. If you know how to look, it's all there. The eyes never lie...
To understand where I'm coming from, you must understand that I'm coming at this from the bodybuilder's point of view. I have trained since I was 12 years old and through my training, I was just like everyone else. I bought the magazines that instructed me to train like the behemoths...to become one myself. I figured I was on the right track but never saw the same results. I even bought the latest supplements. Going so far as to enter a promotional contest to become a spokesman for EAS. I still didn't see the same results. What was missing? Steroids. Yeah these guys trained this way and yeah, they also used these supplements but to change ones genetics there is no easy over the counter pill. No, these guys took into their bodies all kinds of shit to enhance their bodies muscle building capability. For years they denied they popped D-bol like candy and hid the Test injections from the general public. Today however, they readily admit it and no one gives two shits about it. In truth, I don't either. If they are competing in the bodybuilding world, it is something they are now forced to do to stay competitive. That's all well and good, but what about the average Joe? Men see how women drool over these men and want the same reaction so what do they do? They begin to pursue the same type of chemical enhancement and they do so not knowing what to take or what to watch out for. At least those in the bodybuilding profession earn prize money and endorsements. It's their profession. These other numb nuts just want to look good. They see the perfect bodies in the photo shoot not knowing that it took these guys weeks just to prepare for one days shoot. Not knowing that these guys look like shit in the "off season". They have no idea that those pretty little lines you see are nothing more than extreme fat loss measures, diuretics and lighting lol Something anyone can do for a short time but never soundly maintain. Given that I know this, my gauging of beauty had drastically changed. Yeah her ass looks good but is it real or is that the result of an arched back or even silicon? She's got a beautiful face but what does she look like in the morning? etc, etc lol
Where's my point in all this? At one point I gave up trying to emulate anyone. I don't want to have Sergio Oliva's arms or Arnold's pecs. At one point I just decided to start looking in the mirror at what God has given me to improve upon and the rest for me became history. I train now for different reasons. Looking good is just a bonus and as such, my zeal for training has lasted. So people please stop judging yourself based on what looks good on TV or a fuckin magazine. Do not even try to emulate what the media is pushing on you when it comes to beauty. Accept that God gave you a template to work with and to build upon. Make yourself the only "beholder" that matters and improve as you improve in more important ways. Let that be your sole motivator. If not for any other reason than this...you can trust that what you're seeing in the mirror...is in fact, real...
Perfect imperfection is worth way more to me than what is pleasing to the eyes in the manufactured moment. So yeah...gimme real...everytime...
I could remember sitting in a dimly lit room alone with a man. He was a child psychologist. His job was going to determine my mental state in the middle of a heavily fought custody battle being waged "for my own good". Of all the questions this man could ask, the one question that stood out for me the most was "do you have any dreams?". I asked him to explain and he just said "you know, something you would like to do". I tell this man "yeah, I'd like to fly". He says "Oh, so you'd like to be a pilot?" I said "no, I'd like to fly...like Superman". He said..."Oh...OK" and then proceeded to write in his 25 cent notepad. After all was done, I was able to peruse some of the paperwork from the courts. To my surprise, this state sponsored quack wrote that I was "deluded" and "unstable" due to my answer to that question. He even wrote that for the lawyers..."He said he would like to fly like a superhero"...yep fuckhead lol I told my mother that I answered what he asked me. He didn't ask me about my goals in life or even what I would like to do "when I grew up". In a dream, you can do anything at all...even fly but when did that become a goal? I understood the distinction as a child but somewhere along the way the dream that requires "belief" took upon itself the expectations of a goal. Yes...a goal. Something that requires more than just "belief" and nifty tear jerking background music...
Today, we have too many people living in their self-imposed delusional dreamland. They think that if they "believe" enough, things will somehow materialize on their own. Only problem?...reality can be a mother fucker and when reality hits, all dissipated belief settles into a pile of depressing mediocrity. Does that mean that dreams are not worth having? Absolutely not!!! Just keep in mind that wishing upon a star means shit without a plan, a contingency plan and the "family be trippin" break plan lol In other words, be prepared as though this were more than just some fleeting fantasy only worth a daydream or two. Make it something more...something tangible.
Take a look at that seven story wall. Look at it's very top. That very place where your victory lay. You ain't got no damn cape and your mutant climbing abilities haven't made it through the evolutionary process yet. No people, you have to fuckin climb. Sometimes you have that ladder built by those that went before and all you have to do is use that same template for success. Other times though, you will have to create your own ladder...one fucking rung at a time. Ladders that you must be prepared to get knocked off of. Ladders that will break on you. Ladders that will tire you out to the point where you will take any distraction you can get. If your dream is worth anything at all...keep in mind that in order to have it manifest, you have to treat it like a goal. Blood, sweat, muscle and tears...one rung at a time...
Oh by the way, for those of you that expected the dream to materialize on "wishes" alone and have given up? Be free from a depression brought on by something society has minimized. Do all now you must do and get your ass back on that fuckin wall...
I took this video in 2012 when I was struggling with insomnia. I remember staying up for 48 hrs till I fell asleep. It was one of the hardest periods of my life. I had a hell of a 3 years in my old place. It was more chaotic than anything else and all the wild that lay dormant in me revealed sides of myself I never thought I would ever succumb to.
Yeah, I was a mess but in that mess...I found out all I was really about...
The name of this particular piece is "In Darkness, Awakening" and was part of a larger series of photos.
I wish I could say exactly but all I know is that "these are they..."
They see too much. They hear what others can't. They see the beginnings of things and their eventual end. They can spot the deception in what is called "the way". They can spot the truth in the lie and the lies that soil the waters of truth. They see the pillars that have fortified man becoming subtly consumed by darkness with no way to stop it. They stand alone...and will ever be so. Why do they exist? What do they do with such knowledge? Are they being prepared for something? Are they to speak out even though no other eyes will see what they see? Are they to just watch until their time comes? What does "their time" even mean?
They've come through much and experienced the limits of what is called "man"...awaiting something beyond even themselves. They now trudge along a path clear by all the signs that no one else adheres to anymore...
Their sanity is now called "madness"...truly alone...
Their eyes fasten them to a path that is mired in shadow until the day...
I cannot complain when I feel slighted by some things that become routine because I fear that my complaint will produce an empty gesture that should have come without a word being said. I can count those moments on two hands. Those that came from the heart. Those that are real...they last a very long time folks. They came as a surprise to me. Those are too few and far between for me. I'm usually the one to see my own fault before anyone else has the time to complain about it. I will admit my fault and repent. If I'm wrong, I won't fight to win an argument. Shit I'm not perfect but damn. I feel like I perpetrated this myth that I can't be hurt no matter what. I need nothing. I've even said so on this blog but I'll tell you the truth. Hold up that wall long enough and your muscles will look to outlast your tendons. That shit don't heal folks unless you stay immobile for a very long time. Time and stillness I cannot afford. It can and will wear you down.
I remember feeling like a fish out of water when I received a Christmas gift. I didn't even know how to display appreciation. The look on their face as they looked at me was one of confusion. I may have said "thank you" too many times but it was empty. I am the man with a thousand dollars in his pocket sportin fucked up boots because I'm afraid someone in my circle might need something. I'm always last on my list. Noble or stupid...I don't fuckin know. It's just sad that I didn't know how to react. Truth is I still don't.
I trudge along this life spectating as I go. I see so many patterns. I see the inception and death of ideas. The incarnation of fads that lose their meaning in the zombified mob only to retain their originally intended effect. It is the very reason why I despise the convention of the mob. Fads are fickle. They are meaningless. They come in a wave and are washed right back out to sea. To adhere to most trends, you must be willing to accept the hypocrisy behind their adoption...
I'll tell you why. A man does three years in prison. He quickly comes to learn there are "signs" he needs to look out for. Among these signs, he comes to learn about "sagging". A way to wear one's pants so that half of his ass is showing. He finds out that those that wear their pants this way are sending out a clear signal that they are ready to get fucked in the ass...prison love. He is repulsed and certain that he will never wear his pants like that. He is "sure as hell" not about to ever give out that signal.
Well, after three years, he comes out into the world and to his dismay, he sees that "sagging" has been made popular by rap culture. Every wanna be "thug" now finds it cool to inadvertently say "hey, I'd like to get fucked in the ass too". This man maintains his ground. For a about a year he bucks the trend and stays true to his conviction. Even going so far as to letting people know what it really means "to sag". OK? Then what? Well, since most of the friends and family he hangs with are "street", they "saggin" too. After a while...this grown as man is doin the same shit...
What happened to the stern determination he found in the logic of all he lived? What happened to "I would never..."? All that shit went out the fuckin door because homeboy couldn't stand the heat of remaining sane in an insane world. You know that cat. The cat that feels ashamed just sittin in a club sippin on his drink while everyone else dances. He eventually gets up to dance even though he really didn't want to. You see, we all make determinations based on the logic of cause and effect. We reason, within seconds, whether or not the cause is worth the effect and it is through that reasoning that we create our own boundaries. Boundaries that allow us to maintain structure within our worlds. Boundaries that are strong enough to keep the "crazies" out. Boundaries that are flexible enough to bend but so strong they can never be broken. Our jail-buddy became a hypocrite by adopting something he knew would debase him based on all he lived for three long years. Not to be passed over by the trends, he sought rationalization for his "change of heart" so he said to himself..."hey, that's what it means in prison, that's not why I'm doing it". Mother fucker thought it looked stupid and he was right. It's intended signal only added to his logic. Now, he swears he looks hot this way. Now, he's the shit lol So what happened?
Weakness...
Read that word over and over again. Understand that we have all fallen victim to it's wiles. Understand that those of us that have wrestled with it can identify it better than most. Now read it again. I have seen too many good people stand for something for so long, only to be swept away by it's shallowed, empty wave. We thought our foundation strong enough to keep us sane but we were wrong. Our foundations went unattended while termites and corrosion took hold...weakening them daily. Thinking ourselves flexible, we thought we could stand living on the beach...we were so very wrong...
