I wish I could say exactly but all I know is that "these are they..."
They see too much. They hear what others can't. They see the beginnings of things and their eventual end. They can spot the deception in what is called "the way". They can spot the truth in the lie and the lies that soil the waters of truth. They see the pillars that have fortified man becoming subtly consumed by darkness with no way to stop it. They stand alone...and will ever be so. Why do they exist? What do they do with such knowledge? Are they being prepared for something? Are they to speak out even though no other eyes will see what they see? Are they to just watch until their time comes? What does "their time" even mean?
They've come through much and experienced the limits of what is called "man"...awaiting something beyond even themselves. They now trudge along a path clear by all the signs that no one else adheres to anymore...
Their sanity is now called "madness"...truly alone...
Their eyes fasten them to a path that is mired in shadow until the day...
I cannot complain when I feel slighted by some things that become routine because I fear that my complaint will produce an empty gesture that should have come without a word being said. I can count those moments on two hands. Those that came from the heart. Those that are real...they last a very long time folks. They came as a surprise to me. Those are too few and far between for me. I'm usually the one to see my own fault before anyone else has the time to complain about it. I will admit my fault and repent. If I'm wrong, I won't fight to win an argument. Shit I'm not perfect but damn. I feel like I perpetrated this myth that I can't be hurt no matter what. I need nothing. I've even said so on this blog but I'll tell you the truth. Hold up that wall long enough and your muscles will look to outlast your tendons. That shit don't heal folks unless you stay immobile for a very long time. Time and stillness I cannot afford. It can and will wear you down.
I remember feeling like a fish out of water when I received a Christmas gift. I didn't even know how to display appreciation. The look on their face as they looked at me was one of confusion. I may have said "thank you" too many times but it was empty. I am the man with a thousand dollars in his pocket sportin fucked up boots because I'm afraid someone in my circle might need something. I'm always last on my list. Noble or stupid...I don't fuckin know. It's just sad that I didn't know how to react. Truth is I still don't.
I trudge along this life spectating as I go. I see so many patterns. I see the inception and death of ideas. The incarnation of fads that lose their meaning in the zombified mob only to retain their originally intended effect. It is the very reason why I despise the convention of the mob. Fads are fickle. They are meaningless. They come in a wave and are washed right back out to sea. To adhere to most trends, you must be willing to accept the hypocrisy behind their adoption...
I'll tell you why. A man does three years in prison. He quickly comes to learn there are "signs" he needs to look out for. Among these signs, he comes to learn about "sagging". A way to wear one's pants so that half of his ass is showing. He finds out that those that wear their pants this way are sending out a clear signal that they are ready to get fucked in the ass...prison love. He is repulsed and certain that he will never wear his pants like that. He is "sure as hell" not about to ever give out that signal.
Well, after three years, he comes out into the world and to his dismay, he sees that "sagging" has been made popular by rap culture. Every wanna be "thug" now finds it cool to inadvertently say "hey, I'd like to get fucked in the ass too". This man maintains his ground. For a about a year he bucks the trend and stays true to his conviction. Even going so far as to letting people know what it really means "to sag". OK? Then what? Well, since most of the friends and family he hangs with are "street", they "saggin" too. After a while...this grown as man is doin the same shit...
What happened to the stern determination he found in the logic of all he lived? What happened to "I would never..."? All that shit went out the fuckin door because homeboy couldn't stand the heat of remaining sane in an insane world. You know that cat. The cat that feels ashamed just sittin in a club sippin on his drink while everyone else dances. He eventually gets up to dance even though he really didn't want to. You see, we all make determinations based on the logic of cause and effect. We reason, within seconds, whether or not the cause is worth the effect and it is through that reasoning that we create our own boundaries. Boundaries that allow us to maintain structure within our worlds. Boundaries that are strong enough to keep the "crazies" out. Boundaries that are flexible enough to bend but so strong they can never be broken. Our jail-buddy became a hypocrite by adopting something he knew would debase him based on all he lived for three long years. Not to be passed over by the trends, he sought rationalization for his "change of heart" so he said to himself..."hey, that's what it means in prison, that's not why I'm doing it". Mother fucker thought it looked stupid and he was right. It's intended signal only added to his logic. Now, he swears he looks hot this way. Now, he's the shit lol So what happened?
Weakness...
Read that word over and over again. Understand that we have all fallen victim to it's wiles. Understand that those of us that have wrestled with it can identify it better than most. Now read it again. I have seen too many good people stand for something for so long, only to be swept away by it's shallowed, empty wave. We thought our foundation strong enough to keep us sane but we were wrong. Our foundations went unattended while termites and corrosion took hold...weakening them daily. Thinking ourselves flexible, we thought we could stand living on the beach...we were so very wrong...
"Blessed are the poor in spirit for theirs is the kingdom of heaven" Matthew 5:3
The rich man has everything handed to him. He has no need to move. He can sit still for the rest of his life and never worry. He can buy his strength...even though it would weaken him. He's happy...
The poor man must scrape everyday for his existence. He finds meaning and purpose in every dollar he earns. The gas bill, the night's meal and the winter coat for his boy. His check is gone...until the next one. He's not...
Who will live longer? Who will be stronger?
Figure it out ;-)
~Apollo
My spirit is "poor" in perpetuity...even if wealth should take hold
Matthew 10:16 Behold, I send you forth as sheep in the midst of wolves: be ye therefore wise as serpents, and harmless as doves. The serpent drags across the earth. Seemingly vulnerable...seemingly weak. Yet the serpent studies his prey. He knows all vulnerability. He knows where to strike to cause the most damage and his venom is meant to immobilize and sometimes...even kill. The dove is beautiful and his domain is the sky. White and pleasing to the eye. There is no danger to him and he is revered as the symbol of peace. The "end to war and battle"...mercy... What is the man that masters the where and the when? What is the man that can war to the end, self-assured of victory, that can show mercy when wisdom lets him know it will be more effective? He is unstoppable. Loved and feared... Honored and despised...all at the same time... That is a free man What fear and joy is there when you begin to see the beginnings of such a creature emerging within... ~Moses AKA "No One"
What does it mean to see? To really "see"? What does it take for someone to absorb the reality of all that surrounds them without truly going insane?
I'm gonna tell you...
Gnostics are supposed to be the ultimate truth of Christianity. They are supposed to lead the faithful to the fullness of what is called the "Christ". Yeah OK...
I have waged intellectual battles with all "faiths" when I took on the role of apologist but none challenged me more than the Gnostic. Why? Because I was approached with a challenge..."You think you have the whole truth but you really don't...". A gauntlet that weighed on me...heavy for an answer to this cocky little prick. One I picked up in fear and one that taught me the greatest lesson I would ever learn.
Gnosis is the Greek word for "science". It is referenced by Paul in his first letter to Timothy as "the falsely so-called gnosis" that has ensnared those zealous for the truth. In other words, this new doctrine was appealing to seekers of truth because it was supposed to offer them the secrets of Christ's power. It offered more than just belief. It offered them a supposed formulaic "hidden truth" that would endow them with the power of miracles, healing and immortality. Something truth seekers would have no choice but to look into. When confronted I must admit...it scared the shit out of me. What if all I had believed was wrong? What if this was the truth? My stubborn pride said "fuck it, let's find out". It literally took about two days to unravel this shit to nothing.
I found out that the so-called "Gospels" they relied on were written well after Christ's disciples had passed on. In other words, they were "inspired". Unlike Matthew, Mark, Luke and John, they held no eyewitness account. It was empty. This is what they referenced to produce "The Last Temptation Of Christ". Everytime you hear about a "new discovery that will rock Christianity", it is usually a Gnostic text that contradict the four gospels we have. I could site references but that is not what this post is about. At the time of the warning by Paul, they had no scripture but held to ideas inspired by "Simon the Magus" who incidentally died when he told his 12 disciples to bury him and dig him up in 3 days. Unlike Christ, he never revived lol
My journey through this one was spiritually taxing but once again, the truth solidified my freedom to faith. Truth based in logic. Please understand that even "ancient discoveries" can be produced by liars and just like the liars of the day, they are meaningless. The Bible is as solid as they come. It has stood the test of Archaeology and history. Tried in the realm of "science" only to further validate it's foundation. Today, detractors seem to want to ignore all that has been discovered and rely on the fact that people are lazy when it comes to information. In other words, no one will think to challenge their thesis. I could say anything I want today and so long as I stick a PHD next to my name, all I say will be considered incontestable. I am no respecter of persons. I don't give a shit what title you hold. If you're full of shit, you're full of shit...and I will be calling you on it.
Now, back to my Gnostic experience...
He said I could only know if I came to his meeting. They had "the truth". They alone had the secrets to the universe. After my two days in insanity, I came and told him all he believed and it shook him. You see, I wasn't supposed to know the truth. I took all I immersed myself in at the extremity of the pendulum and came back to my center to examine it all. Had I stayed in that extreme, I would have been overtaken by confusion. Why do some people go insane? It is because they get lost within the extreme. These are the people that see black helicopters everywhere buzzing around above the tin foil hats they wear. Those people get lost in the maze called "conspiracy" because they decided to remain in the extreme, adopting it's nature of confusion. No people, understand that within every extreme, there are huge potholes of error. You are "centered" when you have the ability to see the errors. This loosens "conspiracy's" grip allowing you to see from the outside in. This is how you process extremes. You never allow them to take hold.
In politics and life, there are two extremes and a center. As God is triune, so are we. Our spirit wants only good, our flesh only wants for itself and our soul executes the choice between the two. Some get lost in the flesh and some get lost in the spirit and the truth is we must be fully aware of where our direction is coming from. Your soul will ask why and if you are strong enough, you will visit each side to get to know them better. This will allow you to make an informed decision. All this takes place in a matter of seconds but if you know yourself you will take that extra minute and make the right choice. This process allows you to never take anything at face value. It demands information and for this information, one must visit areas of depth that can overtake the soul. It's like diving into water to see what's below and never coming up for air. All that surrounds you is water. Sometimes the water is littered with feces and other times, it's adorned by underwater beauty. Come up for air and you will be able to see there is way more than what's beneath the surface...there is a sky.
I doused myself in the flesh and came to the conclusion that I was an alcoholic. When I finally came up for air I came to find that the only thing wrong with me was insomnia. I did everything to get myself to sleep. Even going so far as to take antidepressants which made me believe I was a junkie. Nope, I just wanted to sleep. I came up only to understand how far I could go before I broke. I now manage all self expectation with the benefit of wisdom. I found out what my strengths were and decided to cultivate them. What was needed to compensate for weakness.
Examine who you are at extremes. Take that pendulum to the extremities of the dark side and the light but just make sure to never stay there. Come up for air...come to your "senses" and don't ever forget...
Sometimes people will ask you to sit on the passenger side so that you could read the signs as they drive. They ask you this to avoid distractions or accidents. No problem right? You oblige. Do you know what happens when they get sick of your voice? They will tell you "I can read, shut the fuck up". What to do in that situation...hmmm.
Open the door, jump out and get back on your own road. Let them read their own fuckin signs...
I listen to music without words. Where there is no need for outside influence to my interpretation of it's beauty. I can imagine flight. I can feel passion. I can see flame and hear the laughter. My approach is the dream every artist has for the listener. To see themselves in the pieces they produce.
All my views come to me in silence. Affording me the time needed to chew, to digest and when all is fully processed...to regurgitate all I see. All without the distraction of argument. This is how bare truth comes to light.
You want to know the truth of what's going on in the world around you? Seek it out without the aid of influence in either direction. Judge for yourself why presidents lie. Why populations steal. Look at all the pieces on the chessboard without the scheming whisper of agenda...even your own.
Throw away the newspaper. Turn off your TV and ride the information superhighway that is graciously at your disposal. Chew all you've seen. Digest it awhile. Process it fully and when your done, stand your ground in the knowledge you have acquired. When your ready, turn on your TV and get ready to throw up. The disgust I feel for all these hucksters we put our trust in is astounding. What's even worse are the masses that regurgitate without even knowing why. They rest on a phrase handed them by the agenda driven without ever knowing if it's true or not.
And to speak plain...
If you are losing your insurance and are surprised, I have no sympathy for you. If you are stunned that this great country of ours has lost the respect of our allies and the fear of our enemies, you should be ashamed of yourself. You held up your sticker of "Hope and Change" with pride and pulled your lever with the certainty of a child. If I knew it was bullshit...you should've known too...
Stop being intellectually lazy. Wake the fuck up...
When the time comes, I will pen all I have seen with the brutality of an accomplished assassin...but not yet...
~Apollo
PS:
My days and nights of artistry have been put on hold that I may be able to build my 12X12 encasing without distraction. It is just as equally a labor of love as is my passion. I have cut off one ear...I still have one left...
