Physical refinement for me is an extension of what is internal. It serves me as that last gust of wind to drive me past the point I've never been. Looking good is not enough reason for me to go through the pains of physical progress. It's superficial bullshit to put oneself through such rigors just to look good on the beach. No, my people. For me...this is art and as such, it is life. You fight against the "heavy" so that everything else wanes "light" by comparison. You feel me yet?
It's time now to shed the last of my past limitations and break through my ceiling to be able to see the next one I have to tear down. We never stop growing. We never stop improving. The day we do...we die. I still have years of life in me even if I feel spread thin through time. Even if I've lived and died a thousand times...I still have much to do. I told you all...I ain't done yet.
"Lord may Your mercy, truth and strength take me to my end that I may be able to reset my clock towards my new beginning"
"...Not that I ever try to be a saint...I love the old fashioned things..."
Tonight I bought all the ingredients to one of my favorites drinks..."The Old Fashioned". First time out I made it too strong. My two boys became four after two sips. This from a man that drinks Absinthe on the regular...conyo that was strong. I waited till my buzz wore off and I tried again, this time getting it just right.
Truth is, I've tasted better but damn I just love walkin up to someone and surprising them with the request..."I'd like an Old Fashioned". It throws people off and I love throwin people off. I write things that on the surface mean one thing but after a few reads...means something else entirely. I love hiding in plain sight. Well, I was at Uno's a couple of days ago with Millie and I had ordered an Old Fashioned from the young waitress. It wasn't on the menu but she went, asked and viola...very good. The table behind us had sounds of an old geezer hacking up a lung while he chewed his food. I heard the young lady sitting across from him mid convo tell him "it's just cause your Old Fashioned". His response was fuckin right on. This man obviously Italian, had some real miles on him. I could tell he was Italian because I heard him use the phrase "and he says to her..." several times lol It was so classic and stereotypical...it was perfect.
He said "it's not "Old Fashioned" to do what's right", "to take care of your family and come right home after work", "if that's what people call old fashioned then yeah...I'm Old Fashioned". Fuckin classic...fuckin spot on lol
You see, it's not about being a saint, it's about doing what's real and what's real demands the truth of what we know to be right. Experience and wisdom affords us the details of all that means. The older generations never had to deal with the luxuries of "excess". They dealt with the realities of "what was". Food on the table and a roof over your head. Where entertainment was nature herself. The sun, the moon, the stars and beauty as is presented by God as opposed to some "Youtube" video. Cable?!? Cellphone?!? Car?!?! Nope... Our "working poor" have all these luxuries today and with that, every single distraction from reality that comes with it. I cannot decry technology but the man or woman that fails to see how these things can become a crutch is a fool...
People, I was never one for fads or stereotypes. I always stood by and watched the lemmings "follow" a thing they would never truly like except for the sake of "fitting in". I never gave a shit about the latest clothes or music I was "supposed" to love. If it came out of a 99 cents store and I looked good in it...shit I would wear it lol If music didn't make sense to me, even those beloved "Top 10 hits"...I'd turn the dial real quick. I just really never needed anyone else's approval. At first glance, I'd be looked upon as "out of touch" but in full view...I was just my own man. Fuck em if they didn't like it.
So I say fuck this "me first" society. Yeah, you need for "you" but at what point do you realize that doing for others is "doing for you" as well? At what point do you sacrifice a "want" for someone in "need"? I've said "go fix yourself first before you try to fix anyone else" and it is a truth. It's just that too many people stay on that tip and never get to the point of "fixing someone else". Time to grow up people. Do for others...and do it gladly. You might just find that in doing so, you'll find evidence of just how far you've come. I'm sorry is that too "Old Fashioned"? Yeah, maybe it is...
But hey...it's me...
~Apollo
P.S.
I haven't gotten my email unblocked yet mainly cause I'm scared at what I'll find. Who has sought me and who hasn't? I don't know if I really want to know that lol I'll try to get on it this week...maybe. In the meantime, find me here...in the boonies of the web...inside myself...
"...my spiritual brother would walk the halls saying..."Y entonces?"..."
Most of our cities are built by people. The Empire State building, "Times Square" and all that surrounds it. Just like the cities we live in, our internal cities, are built by God and people He decides to bring our way. My city? My city had a worker bee named Huey. A janitor at the "Atrium Palace". A beautiful high rise out of Ft. Lee, New Jersey where I worked as a Doorman/Concierge. Fresh in a marriage and so very young, someone landed me a job there. I felt like a fish out of water but shit I was good. I got along with everybody but would soon find out that my hiring had a personal motive behind it. You see it turns out the boss needed a replacement for the guy before me...he was fucking the shit out of her. I guess she thought I could fit the bill. I saw the advances and paid no mind. Soon, my spiritual leanings became clear but by then, God had given me grace with the tenants in the building, so firing me was out of the question lol It was a crazy ride but nothing I couldn't handle...even then.
Huey...my brother. What can I say about Huey? He and his brother were Trinidadian. They both had been there awhile. Huey as a janitor and his brother as night security. Huey was as spiritually inclined as I was while his brother was the polar opposite. Thankfully, I got along very well with them both. They became brothers to me. Huey would at times roam the halls saying "Y entonces?" and other times, he would be praying in tongues out loud. You all with "ears to hear" understand what that means. His brother would share life experiences with me the times I worked nights and it was the first time I would learn what it was to actually be "all things to all men". As for the building itself? I won't say who lived there but you would know them if I did. It was that kind of building. CEO's of companies we all know and love. Shit, even some celebs left there footprints there from time to time. It was an easy ride for me to say the least...except for one thing...
This was the first place I had been challenged to cheat on my wife. The first place where all I had to do was reach out and say "thank you". The very first place where I was challenged with the the proposition of "no one will ever know, I just want you for a night". This is where I learned that commitment meant something. Where I would be faced with an internal challenge. Where the foundations to my internal buildings would begin.
I was challenged on a weekly basis. Rich women and their daughters, sought openings with me. I think it had more to do with the fact that the guy before me had made it commonplace than the idea I was this "stud". It became a fiasco my co-workers laughed about while I "bobbed and weaved" finding ways to hold my ground as a married man without jeopardizing my job. You see I believed in the oath I took on my wedding day and I knew I could not violate it. That crazy idea coupled with the love I had for my wife was enough to keep me standing. It was tough but thanks to God's strength...I made it through with a new-found understanding. The understanding of speaking a thing...and sticking to it.
Why do I mention Huey? Because an off the cuff statement he made crystallized my purpose for being there. One day he witnessed just a taste of what I was enduring and said to me..."Now I know why the Lord had you marry so young...". So many things rushed through my soul after that statement and today, I understand them all. I value the institution of marriage. I divorced because in truth, I never wanted to violate that institution the way every other male in my family had done...among other factors of course. They have ALL failed. They have all cheated and I knew I had that in me. It would have been all too easy for me to do and seeing what all the females in family went through...I knew Millie never deserved to experience that kind of pain.
Now we come to today...I said it already. "What if" is for children. Looking back at my life, I know I would have been a false minister. A man without a compass. I would have been preaching the Gospel by day and fucking parishioners by night. I would have made a serious mess of things and ruined many lives. Being the man I am, I know this to be true. I accept now that God knew what he was doing. My marriage gave me that compass and taught me self-control by way of honor. Every job I had tested me since and thankfully, I passed even the most difficult. Even the ones where God knew to intervene.
These experiences taught me the value of a "word". The value of what is spoken. I do not subscribe to the idea that a man's job is to dip his dick wherever he can. I do subscribe to the idea that a vow is a vow. I, by the grace of God, upheld my end. My vow remains sacred. Nothing can ever change that. As for my job, after nine months, I would be fired. My boss sought a reason and I willingly gave it to her...I was almost always late lol Oh well...
Folks, God created you, myself and this universe by His Word. If you believe this then you must understand the power behind all you say. Never say I love you unless you mean it and if you are married...stick to the vow you have made on your wedding day. Be a man and woman of honor...
My city has a damn good foundation and this is why I choose to rebuild upon it. My buildings may need repair but my foundation remains solid...
Oh yeah, just one more thing. Huey's phrase..."Y entonces?" in English is loosely translated..."what's next?". Think about that question the next time you decide to do anything foolish...
You know, alot of my writing as of late has had a purpose behind it. Mainly to express the internal learning process as it unfolds but also...to impart it's wisdom. It is therefore my distinct pleasure to have come across this letter.
Sinead O'Connor, an icon of the 90's and a woman that valued her womanhood as much as her talent, wrote an open letter to Miley Cirus. It is an impressive piece of truth. I can't add a thing but just to say...wow.
Dear Miley,
I wasn’t going to write this letter, but today I’ve been dodging phone calls from various newspapers who wished me to remark upon your having said in Rolling Stone your Wrecking Ball video was designed to be similar to the one for Nothing Compares… So this is what I need to say… And it is said in the spirit of motherliness and with love.
I am extremely concerned for you that those around you have led you to believe, or encouraged you in your own belief, that it is in any way 'cool' to be naked and licking sledgehammers in your videos. It is in fact the case that you will obscure your talent by allowing yourself to be pimped, whether it’s the music business or yourself doing the pimping.
Nothing but harm will come in the long run, from allowing yourself to be exploited, and it is absolutely NOT in ANY way an empowerment of yourself or any other young women, for you to send across the message that you are to be valued (even by you) more for your sexual appeal than your obvious talent.
I am happy to hear I am somewhat of a role model for you and I hope that because of that you will pay close attention to what I am telling you.
The music business doesn’t give a s*** about you, or any of us. They will prostitute you for all you are worth, and cleverly make you think it's what YOU wanted... and when you end up in rehab as a result of being prostituted, 'they' will be sunning themselves on their yachts in Antigua, which they bought by selling your body and you will find yourself very alone.
None of the men oggling you give a s*** about you either, do not be fooled. Many’s the woman mistook lust for love. If they want you sexually that doesn’t mean they give a f*** about you. All the more true when you unwittingly give the impression you don’t give much of a f*** about yourself, and when you employ people who give the impression they don’t give much of a f*** about you either. No one who cares about you could support your being pimped... and that includes you yourself.
Yes, I’m suggesting you don’t care for yourself. That has to change. You ought be protected as a precious young lady by anyone in your employ and anyone around you, including you. This is a dangerous world. We don’t encourage our daughters to walk around naked in it because it makes them prey for animals and less than animals, a distressing majority of whom work in the music industry and its associated media.
You are worth more than your body or your sexual appeal. The world of showbiz doesn’t see things that way, they like things to be seen the other way, whether they are magazines who want you on their cover, or whatever... Don’t be under any illusions.. ALL of them want you because they’re making money off your youth and your beauty... which they could not do except for the fact your youth makes you blind to the evils of show business. If you have an innocent heart you can’t recognise those who do not.
I repeat, you have enough talent that you don’t need to let the music business make a prostitute of you. You shouldn’t let them make a fool of you either. Don’t think for a moment that any of them give a flying f*** about you. They’re there for the money... we’re there for the music. It has always been that way and it will always be that way. The sooner a young lady gets to know that, the sooner she can be REALLY in control.
You also said in Rolling Stone that your look is based on mine. The look I chose, I chose on purpose at a time when my record company were encouraging me to do what you have done. I felt I would rather be judged on my talent and not my looks. I am happy that I made that choice, not least because I do not find myself on the proverbial rag heap now that I am almost 47 years of age... which unfortunately many female artists, who have based their image around their sexuality, end up on when they reach middle age.
Real empowerment of yourself as a woman would be to in future refuse to exploit your body or your sexuality in order for men to make money from you. I needn’t even ask the question... I’ve been in the business long enough to know that men are making more money than you are from you getting naked. It’s really not at all cool. And it’s sending dangerous signals to other young women. Please in future say no when you are asked to prostitute yourself. Your body is for you and your boyfriend. It isn’t for every spunk-spewing dirtbag on the net, or every greedy record company executive to buy his mistresses diamonds with.
As for the shedding of the Hannah Montana image.. whoever is telling you getting naked is the way to do that does absolutely NOT respect your talent, or you as a young lady. Your records are good enough for you not to need any shedding of Hannah Montana. She’s waaaaaaay gone by now... Not because you got naked but because you make great records.
Whether we like it or not, us females in the industry are role models and as such we have to be extremely careful what messages we send to other women. The message you keep sending is that it’s somehow cool to be prostituted... it’s so not cool Miley... it’s dangerous. Women are to be valued for so much more than their sexuality. we aren’t merely objects of desire. I would be encouraging you to send healthier messages to your peers... that they and you are worth more than what is currently going on in your career. Kindly fire any motherf***er who hasn’t expressed alarm, because they don’t care about you.
I love this woman's soul because it is so powerful. This is what she will be remembered for and who she is as a woman will stand the test of time. Take this letter and replace Miley's talent with your own superficiality. Find a truth in this and apply it. Trust me when I tell you...there is deep wisdom in this letter. Written in the blood of heartfelt experience.
Remember people; you can own the world and have absolutely nothing...if you never stand for anything.
Sitting in a dance club smokin his Shisha with an "Old Fashioned" drink neatly placed atop a napkin on his table. Everyone else dances...he just sits there enjoying his time without expression. People want to know what's wrong with him...heh, nothing. Everyone else lost in aimless, blissful distraction. He just sits and enjoys pretending not to hear a thing. He hears only his heartbeat. Watching the pick-pockets and pick up artists..he's nice. Nothing distracts him from his purpose. Nothing robs him of his peace. He's there to practice drowning it all out. To practice becoming a singularity among an ever expanding collective. Finding some purpose in the process. He knows how hard it is to hear the music and not bob his head or tap his feet...but he's in control. Leave him alone...
My son saw his friend in a casket today. He never knew how it would effect him. He went to pay his respects and came back with so much more. You see, mortality becomes real when you are faced with the death of someone you were able to laugh with...and share with. A child will be buried this week due to reckless behavior and the truth is...all that really matters is that he is gone. To see him in a casket moved my son enough to crystallize that truth. To let him be and closely watch is now my job. To make sure he learns the right lesson. He will soon begin to understand "why" and this will in turn create the better man he is meant to be. There are many lessons to be learned but sometimes you do better sitting back to listen and watch him cry. There are no consoling words when you see the friend you shared a part of yourself with...be gone forever.
These are the soldiers of our day. A youth that find themselves fighting a system that would have them dependent. They do wrong to feed their families because their pride would have it no other way. They risk everything because their limited education forces them into a fast life. They only do the best they can with what the "zeitgeist" thinks they deserve, looking all the while...for the big score. What begins dark...almost always ends in death unless a change comes. Please God let it come...
Have you ever had an idea no one has thought of or an idea very few were aware of? Have you ever mastered such an idea to the place of it affording you all that is "grandiose" in your mind? All you have to do is pull the trigger now...
I know this place. From the primal to the technical and in truth...I fear it's power.
I grew up watching my father make women smile without much effort. Just an impeccable charm he used without even noticing. Well...I noticed. I was a witness to it's effect on both sexes. It was both impressive and dangerous at the same time but like it or not, it would become something I would inherit. To be able to, with a slight smile, move someone to go the extra mile is a powerful thing. Something I learned not to take lightly along the way. For a man, this is a commodity. For a woman, it is a crutch. Why? Because for a woman to use her wiles is akin to a man using his strength. The weak man only knows strength. He has to learn sensuality...a tool that finds it's origin within the power of emotion. He doesn't know how to use his mind to control a situation. He flies off the handle. His muscles intimidate. His trapezoid muscles flair inducing fear and if that doesn't work, he will take the next step towards violent action. Think about that for a minute...
When you find yourself resorting to your basic instinct (lower than all you have been elevated to "learn"), you are in effect...debased. It's not a question of "double standard". It's a question of nature vs nurture. For the initiated, this makes sense. For the uninitiated? Sorry...can't help you on this one.
I will say this though. A woman that has learned to use her wit as opposed to her body is one of the most powerful things I have yet to see and that quiet power is fuckin sexy as shit. Most people don't see this because they can't see past the "visual". These women usually wind up perplexing men. They are drawn by energy as opposed to visuals. Fucks em up lol Yep, it's that strong.
I have in the past few years been able to create something from nothing. Convincing myself now that there is nothing I cannot do BUT it always comes at a price. My limiting factor? I am a father and accountable risk is never an option. "Small and unseen" means frustrated survival and though "big and fast" may be way more exciting...it runs it's course with too much risk involved.
Since Oct of 2012 I've been planning a thing. Something from nothing? Yes, I do have a grandiose idea with very little risk this time...with a safety net to boot. Where no one else is effected but me but in truth I think that this time around...I fear it's success.
If you haven't figured this out yet, yeah...I know some things. I have been sitting on this hard floor thinking about topics I could share and a few popped out at me. One of which "holds" now having been crystallized in conversation. Some things I could not share with just anybody so with that being said, I am grateful to have such beautiful ears at my disposal...
So having said that, I will say this; "what if" is for children. "What is" in truth, is all that really matters. Why? Because "what if" will keep you in a state of senseless distraction while "what is" collapses from neglect all around you. This "dream" of the perfect life "if you only..." is a fairy tale. It is meant to keep you questioning the destiny that stands unfulfilled due to lack of motivated mobility. You wind up trudging along without the same tenacity that you would have had if you planned to be where you are. Guess what? You are where you are for a reason. You are who you are for a reason. All the blessings you have are there because you travailed the road you did and if you change anything along that road then think for a minute...
All the bad may be gone...but all the good along with it. Deal with that for a second and let it sink in. The children that you're proud of are gone. That wind of pain that fueled your artistry no longer moves your soul and all the wisdom that you acquired is non-existent. You are now empty. What if? That question will never haunt me again. I've learned that my pain is my pride because I've come through alive and better for it. Don't ever ask me that question. Being who I am I will tell you the truth and it won't be pretty. Be blessed with all you are and move forward with peace understanding that God had a plan all along. It may have been a plan you never understood but rest assured it was a plan that was way more than anything you could come up with on your own.
As for me, I will never trade who I am, all I have and all I know for the shot at an alternate universe. No, not me. Looking back, I know that God was with me every step of the way. He guided me at my best and helped me up at my worst. My life today is the product of His love and I would have it no other way.
Be blessed, be happy if you can but above all else...move ahead in peace...knowing all the while, you are all that you were meant to be...
Absinthe, I forgot what a friend she could be. As lovely and enlightening as a soft spoken mentor. As dreaded and fearful as the archest of enemies. She matches wit and style. She laughs slightly, imparting wisdom based on all you've seen and if you let her...she can even let it stick.
I watched a movie tonight. "Une Vieille Maitresse" is the only movie I have seen thus far that can in detail elaborate on what my mother once called "crazy love". Two people that create combustible energy when together. What is so interesting about the movie is that it, like this love itself, was uninteresting at first but held you captive at the end. Examining my own life, this is the only love I've truly ever known. In truth, looking back, I could find no "fairy tale". I never planned for anything. I never looked for this sign or the other. I just held on because love demanded it. Throughout doubt and tidal waves of emotion. Hatred, fire, lust and love. All fitting together. All having their due and way with us. A bit of "want" giving way to "need" where the here and now suffers like a junkie looking for the next fix. I've heard people fall in and out of love...something I could never understand. I dare say that humans seldom see the real depth of love and miss out on the bigger picture. Like looking at a masterpiece from afar and missing the lake and the mountains along side the lake. They focus in too squarely on the sun and miss everything else.
People please understand. Love is way more than good times, poetry and roses. It is way more than walks on the beach and the famed trip to Paris. No folks, it's tearing each other's clothes off in the middle of a heated argument. It's "longing"...even after it's over. Silence and distance can't make it go away. It is eternal. I get stumped when people ask me, "what's the perfect date?". The fact is...there is none. Yet before it all, connection is king. Like two mismatched puzzle pieces that don't fit no matter how hard you try, such are the two souls that won't connect. I can paint you a picture that will never happen. A picture that will make you swoon. I can tell you about the beach, champagne and rose petals. Horses and carriage rides that you see in movies. All those beautiful things you read in your romance novels but they may not be as real for you as to whom they were tailor-made for in the first place. I mean...this movie had a scene showing the two main characters making love next to the burning corpse of their daughter. Extreme as hell, but point well made.
To love me past rejection. To love me past hatred. To love me in death. To love me when I've irreparably wronged you...that's love. Not to say these things should happen to test love but this is life. It is chaotic and unpredictable. Life is a wave meant to overtake the soul and it's inconsistency makes it almost impossible to read. Yet real love remains constant when true and is able to overcome all that life throws at it. I know this now and knowing this makes me happy with all the decisions I made. I'm blessed to have married young. I am grateful to all arguments and failures for solidifying the truth of love when it came to my committed relationships.
Folks, I've been blessed to have had two serious relationships in my life and although both were different people...they were both tested, proved real. One seems to see this clearly and the other was never taught to understand this truth. I will not fault her nor will I condemn her for it...I will just keep loving her. One day it will click...
