Sitting in a dance club smokin his Shisha with an "Old Fashioned" drink neatly placed atop a napkin on his table. Everyone else dances...he just sits there enjoying his time without expression. People want to know what's wrong with him...heh, nothing. Everyone else lost in aimless, blissful distraction. He just sits and enjoys pretending not to hear a thing. He hears only his heartbeat. Watching the pick-pockets and pick up artists..he's nice. Nothing distracts him from his purpose. Nothing robs him of his peace. He's there to practice drowning it all out. To practice becoming a singularity among an ever expanding collective. Finding some purpose in the process. He knows how hard it is to hear the music and not bob his head or tap his feet...but he's in control. Leave him alone...
My son saw his friend in a casket today. He never knew how it would effect him. He went to pay his respects and came back with so much more. You see, mortality becomes real when you are faced with the death of someone you were able to laugh with...and share with. A child will be buried this week due to reckless behavior and the truth is...all that really matters is that he is gone. To see him in a casket moved my son enough to crystallize that truth. To let him be and closely watch is now my job. To make sure he learns the right lesson. He will soon begin to understand "why" and this will in turn create the better man he is meant to be. There are many lessons to be learned but sometimes you do better sitting back to listen and watch him cry. There are no consoling words when you see the friend you shared a part of yourself with...be gone forever.
These are the soldiers of our day. A youth that find themselves fighting a system that would have them dependent. They do wrong to feed their families because their pride would have it no other way. They risk everything because their limited education forces them into a fast life. They only do the best they can with what the "zeitgeist" thinks they deserve, looking all the while...for the big score. What begins dark...almost always ends in death unless a change comes. Please God let it come...
Have you ever had an idea no one has thought of or an idea very few were aware of? Have you ever mastered such an idea to the place of it affording you all that is "grandiose" in your mind? All you have to do is pull the trigger now...
I know this place. From the primal to the technical and in truth...I fear it's power.
I grew up watching my father make women smile without much effort. Just an impeccable charm he used without even noticing. Well...I noticed. I was a witness to it's effect on both sexes. It was both impressive and dangerous at the same time but like it or not, it would become something I would inherit. To be able to, with a slight smile, move someone to go the extra mile is a powerful thing. Something I learned not to take lightly along the way. For a man, this is a commodity. For a woman, it is a crutch. Why? Because for a woman to use her wiles is akin to a man using his strength. The weak man only knows strength. He has to learn sensuality...a tool that finds it's origin within the power of emotion. He doesn't know how to use his mind to control a situation. He flies off the handle. His muscles intimidate. His trapezoid muscles flair inducing fear and if that doesn't work, he will take the next step towards violent action. Think about that for a minute...
When you find yourself resorting to your basic instinct (lower than all you have been elevated to "learn"), you are in effect...debased. It's not a question of "double standard". It's a question of nature vs nurture. For the initiated, this makes sense. For the uninitiated? Sorry...can't help you on this one.
I will say this though. A woman that has learned to use her wit as opposed to her body is one of the most powerful things I have yet to see and that quiet power is fuckin sexy as shit. Most people don't see this because they can't see past the "visual". These women usually wind up perplexing men. They are drawn by energy as opposed to visuals. Fucks em up lol Yep, it's that strong.
I have in the past few years been able to create something from nothing. Convincing myself now that there is nothing I cannot do BUT it always comes at a price. My limiting factor? I am a father and accountable risk is never an option. "Small and unseen" means frustrated survival and though "big and fast" may be way more exciting...it runs it's course with too much risk involved.
Since Oct of 2012 I've been planning a thing. Something from nothing? Yes, I do have a grandiose idea with very little risk this time...with a safety net to boot. Where no one else is effected but me but in truth I think that this time around...I fear it's success.
If you haven't figured this out yet, yeah...I know some things. I have been sitting on this hard floor thinking about topics I could share and a few popped out at me. One of which "holds" now having been crystallized in conversation. Some things I could not share with just anybody so with that being said, I am grateful to have such beautiful ears at my disposal...
So having said that, I will say this; "what if" is for children. "What is" in truth, is all that really matters. Why? Because "what if" will keep you in a state of senseless distraction while "what is" collapses from neglect all around you. This "dream" of the perfect life "if you only..." is a fairy tale. It is meant to keep you questioning the destiny that stands unfulfilled due to lack of motivated mobility. You wind up trudging along without the same tenacity that you would have had if you planned to be where you are. Guess what? You are where you are for a reason. You are who you are for a reason. All the blessings you have are there because you travailed the road you did and if you change anything along that road then think for a minute...
All the bad may be gone...but all the good along with it. Deal with that for a second and let it sink in. The children that you're proud of are gone. That wind of pain that fueled your artistry no longer moves your soul and all the wisdom that you acquired is non-existent. You are now empty. What if? That question will never haunt me again. I've learned that my pain is my pride because I've come through alive and better for it. Don't ever ask me that question. Being who I am I will tell you the truth and it won't be pretty. Be blessed with all you are and move forward with peace understanding that God had a plan all along. It may have been a plan you never understood but rest assured it was a plan that was way more than anything you could come up with on your own.
As for me, I will never trade who I am, all I have and all I know for the shot at an alternate universe. No, not me. Looking back, I know that God was with me every step of the way. He guided me at my best and helped me up at my worst. My life today is the product of His love and I would have it no other way.
Be blessed, be happy if you can but above all else...move ahead in peace...knowing all the while, you are all that you were meant to be...
Absinthe, I forgot what a friend she could be. As lovely and enlightening as a soft spoken mentor. As dreaded and fearful as the archest of enemies. She matches wit and style. She laughs slightly, imparting wisdom based on all you've seen and if you let her...she can even let it stick.
I watched a movie tonight. "Une Vieille Maitresse" is the only movie I have seen thus far that can in detail elaborate on what my mother once called "crazy love". Two people that create combustible energy when together. What is so interesting about the movie is that it, like this love itself, was uninteresting at first but held you captive at the end. Examining my own life, this is the only love I've truly ever known. In truth, looking back, I could find no "fairy tale". I never planned for anything. I never looked for this sign or the other. I just held on because love demanded it. Throughout doubt and tidal waves of emotion. Hatred, fire, lust and love. All fitting together. All having their due and way with us. A bit of "want" giving way to "need" where the here and now suffers like a junkie looking for the next fix. I've heard people fall in and out of love...something I could never understand. I dare say that humans seldom see the real depth of love and miss out on the bigger picture. Like looking at a masterpiece from afar and missing the lake and the mountains along side the lake. They focus in too squarely on the sun and miss everything else.
People please understand. Love is way more than good times, poetry and roses. It is way more than walks on the beach and the famed trip to Paris. No folks, it's tearing each other's clothes off in the middle of a heated argument. It's "longing"...even after it's over. Silence and distance can't make it go away. It is eternal. I get stumped when people ask me, "what's the perfect date?". The fact is...there is none. Yet before it all, connection is king. Like two mismatched puzzle pieces that don't fit no matter how hard you try, such are the two souls that won't connect. I can paint you a picture that will never happen. A picture that will make you swoon. I can tell you about the beach, champagne and rose petals. Horses and carriage rides that you see in movies. All those beautiful things you read in your romance novels but they may not be as real for you as to whom they were tailor-made for in the first place. I mean...this movie had a scene showing the two main characters making love next to the burning corpse of their daughter. Extreme as hell, but point well made.
To love me past rejection. To love me past hatred. To love me in death. To love me when I've irreparably wronged you...that's love. Not to say these things should happen to test love but this is life. It is chaotic and unpredictable. Life is a wave meant to overtake the soul and it's inconsistency makes it almost impossible to read. Yet real love remains constant when true and is able to overcome all that life throws at it. I know this now and knowing this makes me happy with all the decisions I made. I'm blessed to have married young. I am grateful to all arguments and failures for solidifying the truth of love when it came to my committed relationships.
Folks, I've been blessed to have had two serious relationships in my life and although both were different people...they were both tested, proved real. One seems to see this clearly and the other was never taught to understand this truth. I will not fault her nor will I condemn her for it...I will just keep loving her. One day it will click...
There are some people that completely act on instinct. They really don't see the shitstorm that follows their word or deed until they get too tired to continue. By then, alot of damage is done. I once penned a drunk email to someone that I could never take back but prayed to God that I could the next morning. Her response to me was "OK, well now I know how you really feel". The reality was that there was truth in that email but there was also a reckless, uncalled-for hate. It did not represent my true feelings and it did so much irreparable damage that I hated myself for it. It's very important to understand that on instinct, most responses are knee jerk. They are reflexive and indiscriminate. The reflex meant for only one thing; to hurt the opposing force. Your bullshit becomes intermingled with sense and both are taken to heart. On every occasion where there is need to simmer, you are always given the opportunity. Some people just keep pushing. Then they wonder why voices are raised. I'm starting to get numb...and I don't know if that's a good thing.
Please remember people; every one of these moments chip away at something. Sometimes you can get it back but most times...it's just too damn much...
You know it's bad when it get it's own blog entry...
Millie's cat just took the meanest shit. He's done it before but I could swear this one would win a fuckin prize. It smells worse than human shit. How something so onerous could come out of such a small body is beyond me. It's so bad I'm taking small breaths because I'm afraid to taste it.
OK...I'm goin in. If I don't post something tomorrow, please call the paramedics.
I'm gonna say something everyone needs to remember; Principles that change by the breeze that hit a man's balls or that tickle a woman's vagina have no place among the seasoned. Principals are foundations we are supposed to build upon. It is akin to building a home. Without a strong foundation, it is easy to bring down. I've seen too many arguments of principal start and end with an "appeased" and an "appeaser". The "appeaser" feels the need to do so because he cannot negate the truth of the argument. Although he knows the argument is true, he doesn't want anyone reminding him of it. It's like having an argument with your brother about taking food from another man's table. He insists there's nothing wrong with it because the amounts are so small, they are nary missed. You insist it's stealing plain and simple. He relents and begins to espouse the virtues of your argument as though they were his own. He puts on a neatly put together performance. Shit, there may even be tears...Academy award shit. He knows what you're saying is true but he don't give a shit...he wants what he wants. He just doesn't want to have to answer questions that he can't give straight faced answers to. Two weeks later, he's picking at the same table. A little more every day, watching you from the corner of his eye to see if you've stopped noticing all together. Hey, he made you happy right? Cooked you that meal? Got you them tickets? All is well right? Must be because he just complimented me on my last post. Fuck that...don't be stupid. You've just been played and all virtue you tried to instill has just been shit on. That's right...shit on.
You see, more times than not, the "appeased" enter into a comatose non-vigilant comfort zone where they trust the supposed change of heart is genuine. They think they made a break-through and forget that humans are mainly full of shit. Their pride has them believing they really made a difference and they wind up missing the little re-occurrences that are creeping towards full blown "fuck all we said" status. The appeasers, on the other hand, think themselves too clever for their own fuckin good. They think themselves too "nice". These motherfuckers marvel at themselves because they think themselves masters of obfuscation and manipulation...dumb fucks lol When people have attempted to turn me into the "appeased", I just wait and watch as though I see no re-occurrence. Without a word, I slowly change my vantage point altogether. I pull back until my emotional investment is nil and if they fuck up, the only people they wind up hurting...are themselves. The price of such a thing is steep though as it is the caring you had for that individual. It gets lost without emotional investment and without care, there is no reason to remain a presence. It sucks but it is the ONLY viable consequence. Folks, if they think you that stupid and inconsequential, then you have no business being in their lives to begin with. It's just the truth of things...harsh or not. With me, they either really change or I purposely shut off the spigot that keeps me giving a shit any longer. I use principals I know to "change my mind" at the root of things. After that, it's only a matter of time till I am just a passer-by in their lives. Watching their car go up in flames without batting a fucking eyelash. With all I have to offer, I find my word and energy too damn valuable to throw away on someone with nothing to show for it. Shit, isn't yours?
As a husband, I learned how to love, deal and care "specifically". As a parent, I learned how to love, deal and care "generally". Specifics take time and lots of energy to understand. All variables must be taken into account. Generalities are universal and are easier to see. The basics of man is seen when you pay close attention to your children. They are the foundation...the clear canvas that we, as parents, must begin to paint upon. So where do "the appeased" and "the appeaser" come from? It all comes from the immature instinct of "MINE!!!" The immature instincts that have us wanting to do whatever we fucking feel like doing without thought of consequence. Your children will cry and promise you they will never do it again. They will swear up and down that they have learned their lesson as you melt at their tears only to have them do the very same thing the next day. They study you like masters to see what they can get away with. You accept their multiple apologies until consequence is called for and action must be taken. This creates in the heart of the parent a general resistance to bullshit. You never take change seriously without concrete evidence and permanence. So let's get it clear; when I say "OK, glad we sorted that out", know that I really mean to say "alright then, let's see what you'll DO next". To break this down even further I need to go back to the deeper "message". To put this plainly: The "appeased" are the uninitiated naive while the "appeasers" are the immaturely selfish. Both unwilling to accept that neither have the right to manipulate the other. Both failures at communication.
So if you fit any of these categories, then try something new. To the "appeasers", try growing the fuck up and sticking to what you just stated was true. If you don't agree and have a strong enough argument based on fact...then fucking say so. If you say you agree in principal then prove it by agreeing in deed...permanently. To the "appeased", try growing a pair of balls and show some value to all you say you believe. Don't let someone shit on it by playing you or testing you to see how much you will allow before real consequence is met. This is how fucking doormats are made. Truth is, people will walk all over you if you let them. Especially if they feel you are standing in the way of what they want and those include people that activate the conscience of someone that has purposefully shut it off. People that shut off their conscience do so for a reason. It is a hindrance to getting all they want. They tear down that wall so they can say "I didn't think" after the fact. They will not hesitate. They will walk over you with spikes on their feet one day and fluffy fuckin sandals the next. If your logic is so sound that it jars their conscience and they are immature? Trust me people, THEY WILL NOT CHANGE. They will find ways to shut you off and that includes giving you just enough to make you believe you've gotten through. Don't you fall for it. Play the fool but never be the fool. Watch them and when they least expect it, give em the big "fuck you". Pull that rug out from under their feet and get the fuck outta dodge.
Wisdom allows you to keep calm in the face circumstantial evidence until all the facts are in. Too many people fly off the handle too fuckin fast. To be fair though, this is all too human. Sometimes we're willing to believe anything other than what would cause us to question ourselves. What does the premise of truth and evidence now cause me to ask?
How fucked up was I that I can't remember April?!?!
