I guess I'm a dreamer My heart is gold I had to run away high So I wouldn't come home low Just when things went right Didn't mean they were always wrong Just take this song And you'll never feel left all alone Take me to your... heart Feel me in your.... bones Just one more night And I'm coming off this long and winding road... I'm on my way I'm on my way Home sweet home I guess that I seem To make romantic dreams Up in lights Fallin' off the silver screen My heart's like an open book For the whole world to read Sometimes nothing... keeps me Together at the seams I'm on my way I'm on my way Home sweet home I'm on my way I'm on my way Home... It's a bittersweet symphony, This life. Just tryin' to make ends meet. You'r a slave to the money, Then you die. There's no change... I can't change, I can't change, I can't change. But I'm here in my mind I'm here in my mind I'm a million different people From one day to the next I can't change my mind No, no, no I'm on my way I'm on my way Home sweet home I'm on my way I'm on my way Home sweet home I'm on my way I'm on my way Home...
Sometimes, you can look across a well lit valley and see points of darkness no one else can. Pitfalls and creepers that blend nicely into their environments are "seemingly" revealed only to you. You see, it's not so much that others can't see what has been "supposedly" hidden from them. It's just that after living in this environment for so long, your eyes have acclimated and adapted to see these things clearly, without assistance. Sure, you can point them out but because it takes a bit of work for others to see them, most just walk away and remain "intentionally naive". You see they know something.
They understand that the acknowledgment of what they see will require something from them. A requirement that will add a new task to their day. They understand that they will now have to take "the long way around" as opposed to the shortcut they've grown accustomed to. Adding more work to their own set of "rules of the road". I can easily use the process of "self-improvement" as an example. One of my most precious en-devours lol Most people today live in a world where they believe "acceptance" is a finite determination not needing any further action. It's a painfully lazy mindset producing an abundance of what I like to call "adult children". Them 40 yr old mother fuckers that still live with their parents. A telltale sign is that they seem to have the uncanny ability to hold onto the twin sized Star Wars bed sheets from their childhood. You see, they happily never seem to really mature. I sigh a big sigh people. Lookey here now...accepting the worst in yourself only means that now you are aware of what you need to work on. It does not mean that your shit becomes standard issue. If you find shit on your shirt, you gonna wear it all day?...or are you gonna find yourself another shirt? I accept that I'm fucked up in my own ways but that does not mean that I'm fine with it. I just know what ails me now and why. I know that treatment may be slow going but so long as I am actively "working out" my issue, it loses it's weight around my neck and it's power lessens over time.
Is this process something of a burden? Without question...but real growth and maturity is never truly linear. Lessons can come at you side-ways. Some of them you even miss. In my youth I knew very little and the little I knew kept me care-free because not much was required of me. I was happily naive. Yet as I grew in knowledge and acceptance of a world most couldn't see...much more was added into my world to safe-guard against. I knew what needed to be done to keep my world safe and healthy. I put out little fires I knew had the determination of becoming infernos. I melted every fuckin snowball I knew would produce an avalanche. I patched every tiny fissure meant to sink my ship...the internal as well as those outside of me. Yeah, it was difficult at first but the benefits soon outweighed the burdens. To be able to see what a man or woman will do three steps before they even think of it is priceless. It's like a game of chess...that you just can't lose.
You play everyday. You get really good at it. You see where the different variables produce specific outcomes that you instinctively now use to your advantage. Even when you're supposedly being "played" by people that think themselves a little too cute by half, you now find it amusing and insulting at the same time as you watch it all play out...just as you knew it would. All because you have decided to accept this new talent...this new power. Something that now needs tending. Something that now requires a bit more from you. The more you tend to it, the more instinctive it all becomes. It becomes so much a part of you, it loses it's own burden. Some people get tired of it's upkeep so they drop it's acknowledgment all together. Thinking they can revert to being as "care-free" as they were in their youth. I'm here to tell you...fat fuckin chance lol I tried that and found myself lying more times than not...to myself. I have come to accept that I cannot "un-know" what I "know" without feigning foolishness. It just doesn't work. I understand the instinct to "revert" to what you were before after a seemingly life changing event but who you've become after said event is something you cannot undo. If you're a parent in a divorce. Guess what, you're still a fuckin parent. You don't turn 18 just cause you single now. Trust me, to my own shame, I know what I'm talking about lol You think it's time to throw the baby out with the bathwater? No, no and fuck no!!! You do your best to throw out the bad and retain the good. And guess what? ALL that maturity and wisdom and tempered grace you picked up throughout your journey...is good. So people, as easy as it is to accept our faults, we must accept our gifts. I learn daily that they better us and are worthy of our time. They are worthy of our labor. If you are holding something special in your hand then nine times out of ten the hand that's holding this "special thing" is just as special. Keep all this in mind the next time you see something others can't...
One last thing, and it's a reveal...
Usually, you keep all you see hidden and wait for certain outcomes. Other times though, you find cause to reveal what you see. Most times, you can even save a life...
Isn't it funny how some people get in the passenger seat of a long drive and never really bother to look outside the window. Just to look...to take in every bit of their beautiful surroundings and gauge just how different their moment makes them feel outside of all they're used to. Not better or worse...just different. How you react internally in such occasion is telling.
What do you find beautiful? Scary? Or maybe something you saw made you uncomfortable? It's like testing your threshold for pain or pleasure. It says more about you than the moments stimuli. It can reveal what you really can handle and all you can't. What you really love and all you can do without. To get lost in the moment is the gift of the fool but the fool doesn't have to be stupid. He can still learn. He keeps his eyes open...looking inward, eventually finding his way outward.
My journey is far from over but the moment has me in a state of calm. Where new rules actually begin to make sense and old rules that stand the test of circumstance are rewritten to remain relevant. Where moving forward is way more important than how long it takes to get there and where I am better daily. So is my place...so is my heart. All I have ever known becomes settled law in the heart of me. Reinforced by change and ever strengthened by the beauty of the barn I just saw outside my window.
And so I take my place among those that have held on to all they knew was true. In the midst of "contrary to the fact" circumstantial evidence, I wait patiently for more...and I gladly receive. Tonight I am grateful for my losses because I have gained a better understanding of who I really am and all I really want. I just want to be at peace on my ride...and I know I will be. You too ;-)
My driver just turned to me with a smile and said "see...I told you so"...
My email has been hacked for about two weeks now and I could give a shit. I feel accomplished when I know I have enemies for all the right reasons. Thankfully, they won't find shit in there. I'm way too smart for that. I just hope everyone I love is OK out there. I'll get it back and see if any damage is done soon.
Yet in this ultimate disconnect, there is nothing...just me and my monkey.
He constantly has his finger on his mouth as if to say..."Shut up about everything, you've said too damn much as it is" Shit if he ain't right...fuck lol
To both my credit and shame, I have always been a man to lead by example. To "go first" as it were. I learned early on in life that if you want anything in life or love, you have to prove your willingness to give that very thing first. I've learned this to be true by trial of fire. Why fire? Because to hold onto such a notion required me to feel the pains of utter disappointment time and time again that I may see the worth in the prize once given. To receive after you have given is priceless. It has indescribable value because there is no feeling to which it can compare. Those that have it?...cherish it, nurture it...water it. Those that don't? Seek nothing less...
Shit...my monkey can talk all the shit he wants yet he's as transparent as a ghost. He hangs onto my back in plain view. He dances and sings for attention. He wears a stupid little vest to be seen and loved by all the little children. He plays loudly to be heard while feigning a desire for privacy. He loves to be loved. What a fucking asshole lol
And for those of you out there thinking I'm being "a little too cute by half", no, my monkey and I are not one in the same. Every one of us own a few ;-)
So yeah, he may be an asshole, but a transparent asshole he will always remain...
"When there is no one left to define you...you inherit the duty of defining yourself"
They have always been able to drown out my internal light...leaving me in darkness. Leaving me in a place where the external becomes paramount and self gratification stands in the place where self improvement used to be. I might sleep for a minute but you best believe I will be waking up...wide eyed. So without fanfare or "pomp and circumstance", I improve daily. Arriving closer to my goal...inch by inch and step by step. While all may ask "what happened to him?", I silently improve. Leaving all speculation to the speculators. Allowing my internal light to shine even brighter within my closet of solace.
My people, I don't need your praise or accolades. I don't need your worship or adoration. I just require the truth of you that I may know where to place my affections. I am more than content to receive your transparency than to constantly have to contend among doubt. The next time you see me, I just want to able to say in truth..."do you see me? I can see you too"...
You get hit with internal questions and a crisis of conscience develops. One that leaves you with no absolution...no resolution. You find yourself hiding away from the world even as you make your world smaller by choice. You pray that those in your world understand because you know that you just can't let anyone new in...
Yet here you are. Not looking for a damn thing. Someone knocks on your door and you can't recognize this person standing in front of you. Why? because you never met. They want in. New faces...all with distinctive knocks at your door and you just don't give a shit anymore. Those currently that are in your life feel just right. They are more than enough. As flattering as it all may seem, you just sigh and accept that this is the way things are. You just don't need it anymore.
I've been here many times before yet this time I am left asking the question. Is it a blessing or a curse when a so-called "gift" serves no other purpose but to fuel the ego of a man?
Shit, I can't change who I am. I can only become better...more. It is something I look forward to physically, mentally and spiritually and what caveats come with such a thing will always be an issue for me. Whatever...
So be it then...boo hoo, cry me a fuckin river Apollo...
You're so full of shit but you're all mine...and so the rant has a part deux!!!
Back in the days of marriage, you carried each other and the children God graced you with. Advice was free and plentiful because where there was love, there were no boundaries and in fact, if you didnt point out an error, I would think you just didn't give a shit. This was how we grew into each other. This was how we "learned" each other. I was able to see where you found me deficient and as is expected in all relationships, you saw the same. This is how any relationship is built...on honesty and respect of that honesty. Something that sadly is now long gone.
These days, truth tellers are unnecessary nuisances. Relics of a time long past. Before the days of Facebook and MySpace. The areas of Cyberspace filled with sycophants whose only motivation at the end of the day is some sort of personal conquest but hey, they think you are great. Shit they say so everyday so it must be true lol I'm gonna speak the truth here people. Relationships fail today because this "me" society is teaching us in error. Instead of truth, we push fluff. Instead of brutal honesty that can save your life, I need to watch how I don't offend. In the process, we rob each other of the knowledge of who we really are and thus any hope of anything worth anything meaningful.
But hey, you're golden. Why? Because so and so said so after he or she saw your picture lol What happens when and if they ever really get close enough see ALL your bullshit? Will they still think you are great then? Sure, they just need to meet-up over a couple of drinks to be sure. These are the ones that create this press for you. These stories about how great you are and about how your shit don't stink. They know that like any good piece of fiction...you'll be mesmerized too. They'll make you laugh and cry. They will make you feel like the greatest man that ever walked the face of the earth and like the most beautiful woman they have ever seen or will see. All press created for an end result.
Yet ask yourself this question; what's worse? Those that try to delude or those that accept such delusion as gospel? Some don't mind that all this is bullshit because they can always feign naivety for the sake of some "feel-good" therapy and others may even believe them. Me? I see people that lie to themselves worse than those that lie to others. Why? Because that's one more person they are being dishonest to on a daily basis...
When the ride gets to be too much, I just get off. I am the type to get sick of my own image. Will I not grow even more tired of your bullshit? I see humanity at his best and worst. I see the great selflessness of love and the debilitating want within "self" and "ego". Unfortunately, only a handful are left that do. Anyway...
Some doors you shut with nails and cement. Others you leave open. You leave them open because what's inside them is so damn important and special, you know you'd be a fool to shut them for good. So you linger outside the door. Never really stepping in...and never really stepping out. You know that what's inside couldn't house you for long so lingering becomes your only hope of retaining all that you know is left in this world as pure. The love of one and the hope of another. The joy of embracing all that you consider to be perfect.
Only a fool would shut these doors and yet a conundrum materializes in the midst. Why this conundrum? Because the simple truth is this; it takes an even bigger fool to endure the pain and confusion of keeping them open...
I have made my choice and I will be that fool. The idiot that will rather have some of something beautiful than all of nothing at all...
Tonight, I have to say that I feel like absolute shit. I have seen someone I love and held to high esteem creep into an "I don't give a fuck" attitude when it comes to situations that require the defense and maintenance of their honor. A sign of misguided direction that can turn into something damaging if left unaware. How do you tell someone you're emotionally invested in that they're heading in the wrong direction without waving your hands like a fucking maniac? How do you maintain a steady voice when what has happened muddies the clear water of the esteem you had? An esteem cultivated and worked for...built up throughout the years. It's a hard thing to see a slippery slope and not try to do everything you can to keep them from even getting near it. And it's nearly impossible to remain calm when they try to justify all that is wrong. Your voice raises akin to yelling "fire!" when you see one. Problem is people seldom ever receive it like that. They think you're "judging" and lose sight of the fact that the pain is there because you see a greatness in them. You see so much more than even they do. You want to shake them and say "Please wake up!!!"...but you just can't do that. Their defenses go up and insults are spit because no one is allowed to finish a sentence. What good was found in that? None.
In the end, humans are human and "heroes" continue to die off by the day. Lives I've known for years are getting swept up into the tide of the times. The tide of the crowd in the clouds. That place you slip into where you look and sound just like everyone else...covered in smoke. Somewhere along the way, they decided it no longer mattered how they were seen because they thought it sufficient to adopt the saying "everyone does it". Why? Because if "everyone is doing it", then what is happening is of no consequence and needs no accounting. That is way easier than standing on an adopted moral code but it is also very flawed. Someone is always watching the few champions of our age that are left. Someone is always looking to emulate those they find "of quality". There is always someone besides God watching you and that is something no one can change. It is a heavy burden but it is also a great privilege. So understand this clearly people; man will fail you. I will fail you. Yet knowing this to be true never really softens the blow when it happens. My own private battle between the man I was and the man I am still rages. A battle I have to win and every time one of my heroes falls, a piece of me dies; challenging my own defenses as my heart sinks into the meat grinder of my belly. Knocking the very wind out of me. Every time leaving me feeling a little less strong. I wish I didn't feel this way but it is something I cannot help. Something I fucking hate and a part of myself I really despise.
So what to do now? Move forward and realize that there is nothing left to do. In all this there is a bottom line. I have no authority to say anything because everyone is entitled to their own humanity. Everyone can come and do as they please without account. No one ever asks to be looked up to so how can they take responsibility for the life that does? I mean, who the fuck am I right? According to them, I'm "nothing" and have no right to even give a shit..so fuck it all then...
I will remain standing...
"The noble King found himself washed away in a heavy tide and somewhere along the way he managed to grab hold of a branch. Tonight that life saving branch unexpectedly snapped into two separate pieces..."
~Apollo
PS: I'm as yet entitled to a mindless rant once...or twice lol
