Oh Press Of Mine...

You're so full of shit but you're all mine...and so the rant has a part deux!!!

Back in the days of marriage, you carried each other and the children God graced you with.  Advice was free and plentiful because where there was love, there were no boundaries and in fact, if you didnt point out an error, I would think you just didn't give a shit.  This was how we grew into each other.  This was how we "learned" each other.  I was able to see where you found me deficient and as is expected in all relationships, you saw the same.  This is how any relationship is built...on honesty and respect of that honesty.  Something that sadly is now long gone.

These days, truth tellers are unnecessary nuisances.  Relics of a time long past.  Before the days of Facebook and MySpace.  The areas of Cyberspace filled with sycophants whose only motivation at the end of the day is some sort of personal conquest but hey, they think you are great.  Shit they say so everyday so it must be true lol  I'm gonna speak the truth here people.  Relationships fail today because this "me" society is teaching us in error.  Instead of truth, we push fluff.  Instead of brutal honesty that can save your life, I need to watch how I don't offend.  In the process, we rob each other of the knowledge of who we really are and thus any hope of anything worth anything meaningful.

But hey, you're golden.  Why?  Because so and so said so after he or she saw your picture lol  What happens when and if they ever really get close enough see ALL your bullshit?  Will they still think you are great then?  Sure, they just need to meet-up over a couple of drinks to be sure.  These are the ones that create this press for you.  These stories about how great you are and about how your shit don't stink.  They know that like any good piece of fiction...you'll be mesmerized too.  They'll make you laugh and cry.  They will make you feel like the greatest man that ever walked the face of the earth and like the most beautiful woman they have ever seen or will see.  All press created for an end result.

Yet ask yourself this question; what's worse?  Those that try to delude or those that accept such delusion as gospel?  Some don't mind that all this is bullshit because they can always feign naivety for the sake of some "feel-good" therapy and others may even believe them.  Me?  I see people that lie to themselves worse than those that lie to others.  Why?  Because that's one more person they are being dishonest to on a daily basis...

When the ride gets to be too much, I just get off.  I am the type to get sick of my own image.  Will I not grow even more tired of your bullshit?  I see humanity at his best and worst.  I see the great selflessness of love and the debilitating want within "self" and "ego".  Unfortunately, only a handful are left that do.  Anyway...

~Apollo

The Lingering Fool...

Some doors you shut with nails and cement.  Others you leave open.  You leave them open because what's inside them is so damn important and special, you know you'd be a fool to shut them for good.  So you linger outside the door.  Never really stepping in...and never really stepping out.  You know that what's inside couldn't house you for long so lingering becomes your only hope of retaining all that you know is left in this world as pure.  The love of one and the hope of another.  The joy of embracing all that you consider to be perfect.

Only a fool would shut these doors and yet a conundrum materializes in the midst.  Why this conundrum? Because the simple truth is this; it takes an even bigger fool to endure the pain and confusion of keeping them open...

I have made my choice and I will be that fool.  The idiot that will rather have some of something beautiful than all of nothing at all...

~Apollo

Oh Heart Of Mine...

Please...allow me rest...

Tonight, I have to say that I feel like absolute shit.  I have seen someone I love and held to high esteem creep into an "I don't give a fuck" attitude when it comes to situations that require the defense and maintenance of their honor.  A sign of misguided direction that can turn into something damaging if left unaware.  How do you tell someone you're emotionally invested in that they're heading in the wrong direction without waving your hands like a fucking maniac?  How do you maintain a steady voice when what has happened muddies the clear water of the esteem you had?  An esteem cultivated and worked for...built up throughout the years.  It's a hard thing to see a slippery slope and not try to do everything you can to keep them from even getting near it.  And it's nearly impossible to remain calm when they try to justify all that is wrong.  Your voice raises akin to yelling "fire!" when you see one.  Problem is people seldom ever receive it like that.  They think you're "judging" and lose sight of the fact that the pain is there because you see a greatness in them.  You see so much more than even they do.  You want to shake them and say "Please wake up!!!"...but you just can't do that.  Their defenses go up and insults are spit because no one is allowed to finish a sentence.  What good was found in that?  None.

In the end, humans are human and "heroes" continue to die off by the day.  Lives I've known for years are getting swept up into the tide of the times.  The tide of the crowd in the clouds.  That place you slip into where you look and sound just like everyone else...covered in smoke.  Somewhere along the way, they decided it no longer mattered how they were seen because they thought it sufficient to adopt the saying "everyone does it".  Why?  Because if "everyone is doing it", then what is happening is of no consequence and needs no accounting.  That is way easier than standing on an adopted moral code but it is also very flawed.  Someone is always watching the few champions of our age that are left.  Someone is always looking to emulate those they find "of quality".  There is always someone besides God watching you and that is something no one can change.  It is a heavy burden but it is also a great privilege.  So understand this clearly people; man will fail you.  I will fail you.  Yet knowing this to be true never really softens the blow when it happens.  My own private battle between the man I was and the man I am still rages.  A battle I have to win and every time one of my heroes falls, a piece of me dies; challenging my own defenses as my heart sinks into the meat grinder of my belly.  Knocking the very wind out of me.  Every time leaving me feeling a little less strong.  I wish I didn't feel this way but it is something I cannot help.  Something I fucking hate and a part of myself I really despise.

So what to do now?  Move forward and realize that there is nothing left to do.  In all this there is a bottom line.  I have no authority to say anything because everyone is entitled to their own humanity.  Everyone can come and do as they please without account.  No one ever asks to be looked up to so how can they take responsibility for the life that does?  I mean, who the fuck am I right?  According to them, I'm "nothing" and have no right to even give a shit..so fuck it all then...

I will remain standing...

"The noble King found himself washed away in a heavy tide and somewhere along the way he managed to grab hold of a branch.  Tonight that life saving branch unexpectedly snapped into two separate pieces..."

~Apollo

PS:  I'm as yet entitled to a mindless rant once...or twice lol

To Justify...

What compels a righteous man to take on a criminal mind?  What pushes him to learn the subtleties of sin?  What makes him interview Satan for tips when all his life revolved around a righteous God?  

It all begins with the thirst for knowledge and the desire to never be taken advantage of.  Believing all along that he himself would never become all he's learned.  Believing he's strong enough to deny himself the ease of it all.  Thinking that the thrill of it won't hit him like a shot of heroin.  Bullshit...

The righteous man that he is hates his alter ego's existence but benefits from all that is known.  The shortcuts, the cons...easy.  He thinks to justify his actions by coming up with a litany of ethics within the unethical and he is successful at it.  Now, with his conscience appeased, he continues to learn.  People want to work with him.  Strangers want to learn from him because of his detail and his ability to stay in the shadows.  Large enough for the derelict to take notice but small enough for the law not to give a shit.  He becomes a silent star in the underground...and he hates it all.  The man he is at heart could not accept what he's become until finally, under duress, he gets out.

Yet those close to him still know all he's capable of and one day...a request is made.  A request he has the constitution for but without enough justification for the righteous man to bend.  Made by someone he could never say no to...until now...

~Apollo

I'm In Love Again...

As a child, I prayed for her to be mine and watched her woo me subtlety with her smile.  The breeze she carried with her reminded me of sunsets and sunrises and her voice was that of a beautiful songbird that wakes you up in the morning.  It was more than just love...I was infatuated and God granted my prayer.  I wanted her and one day as a man...I would have her.  Not for "need"...but for "want".  That a dream would come true and I would feel closer to complete.  At times with her, I did...

She let me know she was still there for me as we walked the Bay Ridge promenade.  A beautiful breeze hit and at that very moment all I could see was her beautiful face again.  Flashes of the good and bad.  Times I despised her and times she comforted me.  Memories rushed in and I came to a conclusion.  Our parting of ways was not a "falling out of love" but rather precipitated by external forces that neither of us had much control of.  I now know what I need to do.  I know how to make it right and my love will return to me.

And this time...she will stay...

She is the sea...

~Apollo

The Hitchhiker...

It's funny how many crazy things a really sold out man will do for love.  I'm amazed at all I've done and still contemplate doing sometimes.  Some of you might ask "Well, what is a sold out man?"  When you are "sold out" there is no one else for you to please.  You have volunteered yourself to be bought by the love of your lover.  It is a joyful surrender that actually has you thinking about children and growing old together.  For this kind of love, you will move mountains if you could.  I've been there a couple of times and I can tell you, sometimes all you do is reciprocated and sometimes it isn't.  And it doesn't mean a thing to you at first but after a while...you begin to wonder.

I once traveled by bus to some place in the buttfuck panhandle of Florida to see my girlfriend at the time.  Coming from NY, it wasn't a straight shot and because I didn't have any money for plane fair, my silly lovesick ass took the bus.  No offense to the Greyhound folks but the Greyhound experience is pure shit.  Weird ass people you have to constantly keep your eyes on.  The smell of urine and the constant transfers that keep you awake.  ALL this to see her for about two days.  I told her I just wanted to be near her as our relationship was long distance at the time.  The time we spent had it's little moments of annoyance but for the most part it was good.  I get back home and a few days later I get a call from her and she's giving me hell on the phone!  She's drunk and she has to give me the "what for" because her girlfriends juiced her up to "let me know a few things".  Fuckin girlfriends...yeah, I said it!!!  I'm pacing, yelling back and could still hear the stickiness under my boots from the soda I stepped on in one of the buses...which only frosted me more.  That shit lasted half the night.  We broke up twice that night lol

Yeah, as a sold out man, I'll do just about anything for love but maybe I'm still afraid of becoming a sold out man again after all that's happened.  I must admit though, thoughts of hitchhiking constantly cross my mind.

At least this time it would be a straight shot... ;-)

~Apollo

"I Can't Take My Eyes Off You"

It's amazing that it's been so long since my last confession.  From my last post to now I've been following life's wind to both detriment and diversion.  I've seen the dormant demons that rested in me for years and in some ways, it has cost me.  Yet in others...I can truly say I've gained much.  The powers that be took a man trained in order, well read all his life, with ethics and a code...took that man and told him "All that you know now doesn't apply in this place...good luck".  What does he do?  He loses it.  Every human faces the same dilemma at some point in his or her life and it's in those times when all you know must be reevaluated.

In this new universe there is no girlfriend to love and to frustrate, no wife to love and kiss every night.  There is only me and some of the most wonderful women any man would be blessed to call his own.  They ask nothing of me nor I of them...but moments.  Yet what happens when things get too close?  What happens when your love deepens and the only course of action for the betterment of the one you love doesn't include you?  If it's real, you MUST let go.  Even if it means never seeing her again.

My people, I see my world for what it is and I hold onto no delusion.  I know that sometimes I'm present to share a moment of passion but sometimes I'm also present to serve a purpose of personal need.  You see, I see all that has to happen for certain outcomes to take place and some are just fuckin hard to deal with...but because they are necessary, I endure them in silence.  You struggle with the idea of self-denial...something akin to setting yourself on fire.  You do it anyway as you sit and watch all you knew would happen.  You pray for the best outcome and wait as you live your own life.  I have lived this and know this is my now a part of my universe.

The instinctive driving force of love itself should be enough to sustain a union...but at certain times in life, this instinct loses it's effectiveness.

My people, you've read about my ex girlfriend years ago.  You've seen the transition from one hurt to anger all the way through to acceptance and love.  You've been with me when I was both drunk and high out of my mind.  Writing as a man possessed yet himself nonetheless.  Now I write to you as a single man that just wants to be at peace in his new world.  With real love, freedom and passion as the wind at his back.

"And so it is"...I ain't done yet ;-)

~Apollo

Primal...

"I can't take my eyes off you"

What does he want when all sense is gone?

He wants nothing more than just to feel...to bring pleasure outside of himself.  That is memorable.  That is lasting.  The night he was afforded the privilege of placing his face between the stems of existence...and allowed them to bleed.  Allowing them to become a crystalized version of what is most pure.  Those tears of ecstasy so rare.  Tears only the extraordinary can summon.  No ordinary man can make them last.  No ordinary man can become a fantasy.  It makes him eternal.  It makes him beyond real outside his universe. 

The slave, the servant...allows him to become the master of the moment...

Madness...

What is this thing called madness?

It is actually a state of being.  Between the plain of man and the ethereal.  The place where you no longer know what is real and react to all.  I am at that place but I know better.  I can detail what is true and what isn't...all based on what I call "spiritual sense".

On one side, I see a beautiful world without care and consequence.  On the other...I see a world that is cruel and punishing.  Which one corresponds to me?  I really don't know yet but I will allow them to play themselves out.  Who I am lays squarely between the two know that all my faces carry regret.  Every one of them has a price to pay...and pay them gladly, I will.  The one that remains is seldom ever the one you "create"...because in the very end the one you are endures...

I will endure no matter what.  Attend yourself to the song I chose in madness...yes, I am beautiful...

My Job...

"I run away from you

Into your dream I lose the one

That I was in when you told me

That I could never meet my friends

Again"