I'm In Love Again...

As a child, I prayed for her to be mine and watched her woo me subtlety with her smile.  The breeze she carried with her reminded me of sunsets and sunrises and her voice was that of a beautiful songbird that wakes you up in the morning.  It was more than just love...I was infatuated and God granted my prayer.  I wanted her and one day as a man...I would have her.  Not for "need"...but for "want".  That a dream would come true and I would feel closer to complete.  At times with her, I did...

She let me know she was still there for me as we walked the Bay Ridge promenade.  A beautiful breeze hit and at that very moment all I could see was her beautiful face again.  Flashes of the good and bad.  Times I despised her and times she comforted me.  Memories rushed in and I came to a conclusion.  Our parting of ways was not a "falling out of love" but rather precipitated by external forces that neither of us had much control of.  I now know what I need to do.  I know how to make it right and my love will return to me.

And this time...she will stay...

She is the sea...

~Apollo

The Hitchhiker...

It's funny how many crazy things a really sold out man will do for love.  I'm amazed at all I've done and still contemplate doing sometimes.  Some of you might ask "Well, what is a sold out man?"  When you are "sold out" there is no one else for you to please.  You have volunteered yourself to be bought by the love of your lover.  It is a joyful surrender that actually has you thinking about children and growing old together.  For this kind of love, you will move mountains if you could.  I've been there a couple of times and I can tell you, sometimes all you do is reciprocated and sometimes it isn't.  And it doesn't mean a thing to you at first but after a while...you begin to wonder.

I once traveled by bus to some place in the buttfuck panhandle of Florida to see my girlfriend at the time.  Coming from NY, it wasn't a straight shot and because I didn't have any money for plane fair, my silly lovesick ass took the bus.  No offense to the Greyhound folks but the Greyhound experience is pure shit.  Weird ass people you have to constantly keep your eyes on.  The smell of urine and the constant transfers that keep you awake.  ALL this to see her for about two days.  I told her I just wanted to be near her as our relationship was long distance at the time.  The time we spent had it's little moments of annoyance but for the most part it was good.  I get back home and a few days later I get a call from her and she's giving me hell on the phone!  She's drunk and she has to give me the "what for" because her girlfriends juiced her up to "let me know a few things".  Fuckin girlfriends...yeah, I said it!!!  I'm pacing, yelling back and could still hear the stickiness under my boots from the soda I stepped on in one of the buses...which only frosted me more.  That shit lasted half the night.  We broke up twice that night lol

Yeah, as a sold out man, I'll do just about anything for love but maybe I'm still afraid of becoming a sold out man again after all that's happened.  I must admit though, thoughts of hitchhiking constantly cross my mind.

At least this time it would be a straight shot... ;-)

~Apollo

"I Can't Take My Eyes Off You"

It's amazing that it's been so long since my last confession.  From my last post to now I've been following life's wind to both detriment and diversion.  I've seen the dormant demons that rested in me for years and in some ways, it has cost me.  Yet in others...I can truly say I've gained much.  The powers that be took a man trained in order, well read all his life, with ethics and a code...took that man and told him "All that you know now doesn't apply in this place...good luck".  What does he do?  He loses it.  Every human faces the same dilemma at some point in his or her life and it's in those times when all you know must be reevaluated.

In this new universe there is no girlfriend to love and to frustrate, no wife to love and kiss every night.  There is only me and some of the most wonderful women any man would be blessed to call his own.  They ask nothing of me nor I of them...but moments.  Yet what happens when things get too close?  What happens when your love deepens and the only course of action for the betterment of the one you love doesn't include you?  If it's real, you MUST let go.  Even if it means never seeing her again.

My people, I see my world for what it is and I hold onto no delusion.  I know that sometimes I'm present to share a moment of passion but sometimes I'm also present to serve a purpose of personal need.  You see, I see all that has to happen for certain outcomes to take place and some are just fuckin hard to deal with...but because they are necessary, I endure them in silence.  You struggle with the idea of self-denial...something akin to setting yourself on fire.  You do it anyway as you sit and watch all you knew would happen.  You pray for the best outcome and wait as you live your own life.  I have lived this and know this is my now a part of my universe.

The instinctive driving force of love itself should be enough to sustain a union...but at certain times in life, this instinct loses it's effectiveness.

My people, you've read about my ex girlfriend years ago.  You've seen the transition from one hurt to anger all the way through to acceptance and love.  You've been with me when I was both drunk and high out of my mind.  Writing as a man possessed yet himself nonetheless.  Now I write to you as a single man that just wants to be at peace in his new world.  With real love, freedom and passion as the wind at his back.

"And so it is"...I ain't done yet ;-)

~Apollo

Primal...

"I can't take my eyes off you"

What does he want when all sense is gone?

He wants nothing more than just to feel...to bring pleasure outside of himself.  That is memorable.  That is lasting.  The night he was afforded the privilege of placing his face between the stems of existence...and allowed them to bleed.  Allowing them to become a crystalized version of what is most pure.  Those tears of ecstasy so rare.  Tears only the extraordinary can summon.  No ordinary man can make them last.  No ordinary man can become a fantasy.  It makes him eternal.  It makes him beyond real outside his universe. 

The slave, the servant...allows him to become the master of the moment...

Madness...

What is this thing called madness?

It is actually a state of being.  Between the plain of man and the ethereal.  The place where you no longer know what is real and react to all.  I am at that place but I know better.  I can detail what is true and what isn't...all based on what I call "spiritual sense".

On one side, I see a beautiful world without care and consequence.  On the other...I see a world that is cruel and punishing.  Which one corresponds to me?  I really don't know yet but I will allow them to play themselves out.  Who I am lays squarely between the two know that all my faces carry regret.  Every one of them has a price to pay...and pay them gladly, I will.  The one that remains is seldom ever the one you "create"...because in the very end the one you are endures...

I will endure no matter what.  Attend yourself to the song I chose in madness...yes, I am beautiful...

My Job...

"I run away from you

Into your dream I lose the one

That I was in when you told me

That I could never meet my friends

Again"



You ever wonder...

What drives a man of intense passion?

The freedom of an accomplished task?  The sigh of a satisfied woman?  It is the knowledge of  a sacrificed soul done what he can.  I am made for such a thing.  I am made for such times as these.  Though my world be crumbling around me, I will still offer all they want...because they need it.  I am all they said I am.  They see it more so than I ever could and they drive me.  To heights and fantasies they never thought could be possible.  I am that man. 

Time to embrace him I guess...

The Plight...

Nights unstable.  Pills and booze don't kick in till about an hour or so.  You hate tomorrow.  Everyone with bad news is awake during the day.  Empty days skirt your passion because that brings you joy.  No time for such luxuries.  No time for diversion.  Calculations and firefighting...with no hope in sight.  You fear the beauty of dreams you know you have to wake up from so you avoid them altogether.  Sheltered from joy.  Yet you push because you know...you're still alive.  Knowing there is better.  What's the quickest route?  Your mind won't let that question go.  You know...there IS an answer.  You know there has to be an answer.

There IS an answer.  Stay alive...it will come...

...the plight of the one who knows he has to die to be able to finally live...

My tribute to pink by carly7

http://soundcloud.com/carly7/my-tribute-to-pink

I met this singer by chance and have truly fallen in love with her music.  I see the beginnings of something great because it is made for her alone.  Others will hear it and do their best to relate but the greatest compliment will come from those who can't.  It speaks to them in a way they cannot understand...but what they do understand is a voice of honesty worth listening to.  Just listen...you will be blessed :-)

The Cancerous Patient...

So what happens when a man is told he only has 34 days left to live in an environment he's been fasioned to for years?  What happens when they tell him "everything you knew will cease to exist as you know it today"..."things will drastically change for you and there is nothing left but to accept that change"

Heh...he feels liberated...

"Stuff" is akin to an albatross within our human existance.  When we analyze all we have and all we do;  asking ourselves "in this list...what can I truly live without?" I am surprised the little that's left.  I am surprised at what little we actuallyneed to live yet have given power to in the category of "the superfluous".  All the useless that has bound us to worry and fret.  Needlessly meandering about the next wave of trouble.  What more do you need but yourself and your God?  I can no longer answer this question...

So what does the cancerous patient do with his limited time?  He has Twinkies for dinner.  He wakes up at 4 in the afternoon.  He doesn't speak to a soul and he hopes everyone understands.  He stops breathing.  He looks at those 34 days as a countdown to a new life...a better life.

What will he be at the end of all this?  What will rise out of the ashes...out of the darkness?  I don't know...God, I really wish I knew...