Nuggets...

Officially blue!!!

Sh*t...

Acceptance...

You ever have a "Zen" moment?  Where you travel to a place of "acceptance".  Where the quiet song overtakes you and your fate surrounds you.  Where you allow yourself time to stop fighting...time to stop diverting.  Like falling off a cliff backwards into the wind.  Where there is no place for you to go but what God has decided.  You hold it off for as long as you can...but "still".  You take it in like a breath and then release the grip you had on whatever kept you from laying down on that beautiful bed called "providence".  This "acceptance" comes after you've raised your head from grief...if you let it. 

Like grief, these moments do not last so make the best of them while you can...

9:37 PM...



I am drunk.  I'm not even speaking metaphorically...I am piss drunk right now.  Why? 

My time gets shorter in this life I've known for the past two years and I am fully aware of all that really means.  We always think the grass is greener on the other side but the truth is...it's all just grass.  Every road has it's own potholes and every direction you take towards fulfillment is difficult.  The people and things you have to say goodbye to with every transition is literally heartbreaking at times but looking at the bigger picture, you think all will be ok in the long run.  You pray these decisions will finally bring you and all those around you peace of mind.  You pray these roads make you a better man.  You pray to God that you learn the new "rules of the road" quickly and that you don't fail to do all you said you would.

That nifty new job with the hefty pay raise helps but it doesn't do it.  The car, the clothes, the parties...all sh*t that serves as a diversion from the bigger issue...you.

I am not drunk this early without reason.  I'm just really hoping that my decisions are right.  If not?  F*ck it...

This Thing Called Love...

I placate my fate with my middle finger as I become a singer of all that is "love".  Sweetened meat to entreat with targeted flame.  Game?  Game is for the sucker whose lips pucker for what he thinks he needs.  He feeds on the heart with his second best part only to find empty.  For me?  Give me insanity to rest my vanity on this thing called love.

If I die when she says goodbye...I'm alive... 

My Hotel Room...



The night has crossed my mind...



Summer carries me home into a beat down hotel room.  The bed creaks as I sit to contemplate the night's fate.  I take off my shirt as I get up to open the window.  The fan oscillating only hot air.  The only source of light; a dim lamp and the clear moon coming through the window.  Dry sweat on my skin as a hot breeze pushes forward the sheer curtains ever so slightly.  My music is hypnotic.  My groove is lucid...I'm hungry and she wants to see me.  It's gonna be a long night...

Sleep Tonight...

You're on chapter 6 and there are still some things that remain unclear.  Within all the suspense and intrigue you forget that some clues were left in chapter 3.  Things you glossed over because you thought them unimportant.  They were always part of a bigger picture but required detailed attention.  Chapter 6 gives you the "what" while chapter 3 was instrumental in leading you there.  Go back and reread what you missed with all your new information.  Maybe then you'll begin to put together this book of anagrams called "life".  Where word and emotion can easily juxtapose at the turn of a page.

I believe that past is passed but I also believe that to dismiss it when it still has residual effects is a mistake leading to repeated failure.  Scars from previous chapters have either weakened me or given me an unbelievable strength and that is worth examination.  It's more than just a lesson.  It becomes part of our make-up.  Creating street lights where they didn't exist a fore time ago.  Listen to the elders that are nearing the closing of their book altogether and you'll find one strong commonality..."la vida es vida".  If you do the best you can with what you have...it's worth being passionate about.

Live your book as though it were a puzzle needing to be pieced together and do your best to find the closest answers you can while it still can make a difference...don't stress it...just live it...

Sleep tonight... 

Her Beauty...

"...may I kiss you...may I kiss you there?..."

I wish I understood more.  I wish I knew all things.  Wishes that only come true when one is old and all mistakes have been made.  Where you look back and begin your sentences with "if I'd known then what I know now...".  That place in time where your chair is your friend.  Where wisdom seldom does you any good anymore...it is now for others.

Tonight I rip off my skin and replace it with the panoramic digital imagery I have of beauty.  A beauty that few actually get to see because they never really take the time to look.  Some get to sleep next to it every night.  They even get to hear beauty say "I love you".  They give nothing but get everything.  Never knowing what they really have...never really caring enough so as to just do "what is required".  The careless try to rob beauties sheen by creating insecurity and self-doubt through sheer neglect.  Where she is then left lonely in a home full of people...now needing to be rebuilt.  I don't know what's worse; seeing it and not being able to keep it...or not seeing it at all.

Beauty is broken and left by the side of the road.  Beauty is anguish at determined greatness that only arrives for hours at a time.  Beauty is hurt and maimed while continuing to hold on to hope for her healing.  Beauty is laughing through the pain and in the process...making others laugh too.  Beauty is self-sustaining under pressure of heavy weight and burden.  Beauty is passionate and knows how to devour flame through release.  Wife, mother, lover, girlfriend...friend.  Titles that do beauty no justice. 

My heart is thankful she can find something in me worthy of her.  I may not be able to keep her but the anguish of such a thing is tempered by what my heart has been privileged to witness...her beauty. 

~Moses Apollo

Inspiration...

Sometimes the door is shut and you try another one.  Sometimes you wait for years for a positive outcome during which time you only see the negative.  Sometimes you never imagine yourself being a parent.

I have friends that serve as an inspiration to me.  Friends that could've given up on a dream, a goal...a new life.  All because it got hard.  Not them.  They chose to brave the storm and wait out the clearing.

I am proud of my brother Denis who today is a proud father.  I am proud of my beautifully strong Yesenia, whose dream of becoming a photographer is coming to fruition.  I am proud of my phenomenal beauty Loreli, that today has dropped her heaviest albatross.

These three have my love in different ways and now even more so...my admiration. 

I always say "It takes amazing to know amazing".  I am happy that it gets to surround me from time to time :-)

Infinite Love...



Of all I know and do not know...internal truths don't change.  They are ever present.  We can choose to ignore them or deal with them and I for one, am never one to ignore them. 

I have chronicled my evolution on this blog.  From a fully surrendered love turned hate into a sober love that found a perpetual home.  I chose my previous relationship as the example because within it, there was so much to glean from.  The good, the bad, the beautiful and the ugly.  In my marriage I studied the art of husbandry so as to be the best husband I could be.  In my relationship, through trial and error, I learned that some things that worked as a husband would never work as a "boyfriend" and most gestures often go under-appreciated or even sometimes...un-appreciated altogether.  I could have held on to bitterness.  I could have hated her for all that happened.  Truth is...nothing that happens robs you of a love that's real and strong.  You are glad you got to live in love.  You feel privileged at the gift of passion irrespective of how it ended.

We finite humans look for beginnings and nicely packaged endings but when it comes to real love...there was never really a beginning...thus there is never really an end.  Love, like God...is infinite.  It just is.  So what do we do?  In this past year I have tried drowning my sorrow with all manner of diversion and vice yet nothing began real healing until I just accepted the truth.  The truth that I will always love those that have come and gone.  They will always hold a place for me.  The only thing that changes is where that love "places" in my life through its manifestation.  The man I am can see them all again.  We can laugh and talk about our day.  We can even share moments of intimacy.  The man I am can love without ownership. 

This is what I learned in my failed relationship.  I tried to recreate my success as a married man but failed to realize my partner and circumstance had changed.  I was not ready for what awaited me so I thought to make myself ready and in the process only added more pain to the mix.  A point I refuse to belabor.  After you get tired of staring at all the failures, you eventually begin seeing the successes and when you decide to hold on to that alone...your peace will come.  You get to the place where the memory of the pain can no longer effect you the same way.

How do you keep it sober?  Don't try to recreate it if there were bad times.  The good may come...but so will the bad.  Love may be blind but it's not stupid...

Unbroken Hand...

"Love, it isn't love, until it's passed"

Hold her heart with broken hand

Feign to see the wedding band

For hope has blinded your brown eyes

With fluttered heart come sun and skies

But when the truth of you is met

The core in place unready yet

To better that which used to be

And stand on soil with one made free

And though all beauty yet abound

And passion's horn should make its sound

To build your home in this new land

Would take a new...unbroken hand  

~Moses