I was told "I wanna be just like you when I grow up" to something I thought might be a problem. I figured that my need to let all things go was a departure from what I know to be permanent when in fact it is a realization of the futility of it all. She told me I had crossed over into the next phase where "I do me". She made sense. She is my older sister :-)
I have a strong desire to strip myself of all things unnecessary and just focus on the bare essentials. Trying to build a life upon pillars of the past doesn't work. Those pillars were made for whatever the past weight needed. They can no longer sustain what I'm trying to build. There are those that never move past what they have passed. I choose not to go that route. I need to create something new, different and beautiful. Something I can be proud of. I can hear the winds calling again and it's all I care about. Apollo will publish the book he has completed...in time. All the while sailing the winds that take him to where he belongs. The place where beauty and truth kiss. The place where love is real. That place where he can get hurt again...
This kitty has been my companion for over a year. She is the cutest thing. I'm giving her away tomorrow.
Why is this a topic worth mentioning on my blog? Well I guess it's what it says about me that worries me the most. I can keep her but I just don't like her. Her personality sucks. She likes getting fed but God forbid you try to pick her up. Every morning she looks for my hand to pet her and if I don't she gives me her back. She is not affectionate at all and she sheds like mad. She's like wallpaper that you have to clean everyday and it's a reminder of sh*t I no longer want. I got her when I thought I would be creating permanent roots here at home. Now that I'm getting ready to sail again the point is mute. I feel as though I could lose it all and not give a sh*t so long as my family is OK.
I've done the roots thing and I thought to recreate it again two years ago. That didn't work. Yet I'm never one to throw the baby out with the bathwater. I will do my best to create something different. Something of a two world scenario. If I can succeed at this, then maybe I have a chance at something of a life outside of sailing. There are many people my age that have never had a chance at forever. I did and it was good. Now I guess I will just be what I will be...whatever that will mean.
Shisha and Kava Kava...two of my favorite things. Tonight they have me writing about something I was just gonna let go but me being me, I just can't.
This blog began during the aftermath of my last break-up with someone I've not spoken to in months. It was a tough one. I have put it all out here for all to see without the classless specifics. This was therapeutic for me in that I was able to read and reread of my own anger to the point of exhaustion. Something I no longer have the time nor energy for. Now what's left are memories. Some good, some bad...and a few lessons along the way. Not the cynical lessons that try to devalue love and surrender because it didn't work this go round but life lessons that help define where we are weak and where we are strong. I loved her with the heart of a poet but there was only so much I could stand when it came to certain issues and for her part I will say she was getting a man still trying to find his own way alone. Something that given what I've gone through this past year...she would not have been able to withstand. I make no excuses for any of it. Not for her...or myself. We just didn't work at what we were trying to be. We saw the worst in each other and ran. Had nothing to do with zoning, distance or anything else. If there is love...you make it happen. We didn't. Well she decided to email me on New Years eve. 15 minutes to 12 her time.
What she said is not important but I kind of got the feeling that she walked away with another lesson altogether. She probably thought this to be a nice New Years gesture...I don't know and frankly, I don't care. She rejected the flowers I sent on her birthday but thought communication better suited for a calender change. I don't know why people think that everything that happened the prior year is gone with the time change. I have a list of sh*t still pending from years back I have left unattended. I don't get it but it is what it is (a phrase I really despise).
Truth is, the passion I felt was real. The experiences I had with her were real. All of it was honest and pure on my part. That is lasting and binding. Something not even bitterness can kill. She was not a mistake. I will always love that woman. That will never go away. Will things ever be the same again?...that's a big no. I'm not insane enough for such a thing but will I ever be a fool again? That's a big yes. I'm sure there are women out there that would appreciate a fools visit from time to time.
People, I know what makes me temporary. What I don't know is if I'll ever have the time or the means to fix it. I pray this year helps me in that regard.
As to my ex, all I can say is..."I wish you love"...
What do I want for this year? I guess what I want for every year. That the life and freedom I seek not hinder the growth of the man I am. That passion would thrive alongside purpose. That all things be set right. To no longer look over my shoulder is a hard habit to break but it's one I will gladly seek recovery from. Hinges to fix, places to go and people to love. This is all that abides in my heart right now. Resolutions are hardly ever resolute but in my case...I have no choice.
What can I say about 2011? What adjectives can I use? All I can say is that for me this year has had serious lows with a few wonderful highs sprinkled in. Lows that have left scars and highs that seek to heal them. In truth, this may have been one of THE worst years of my life but in the end I'd like to believe it has served a purpose.
It has forced me to remember what is most valuable to me. Life, love and peace of mind through real inner freedom. Three things that were both stolen and retaken in this very same year. Three things that seek a new set of wings to prosper and soar with the passion they deserve. To see my sons grow in strength and grace. To experience love in the most beautiful of ways with those that find real value in me. To bleed the art of verse with anguish...and joy as well. Most of all though, to see my Lord smile at me again.
I look for this in 2012. More than this...I will go to make sure I have them. What ship will have me? I'm about to find out...
My hands have found hope. They have found longing. To touch new skin that devours with perfection and form. To reach out and touch the face of a beauty so unique...it is meant for men like me. Men that seek to close their eyes for the purity of heightened senses. To experience the touch beyond the soul into the spirit...to live...in love. To give all in the moment and anguish at its' end. My hands have seen in shades of grey and long for the vibrancy of color and feel...I envy what is mine and as yet to have...
I stand in awe at the beauty of a creature made somewhere between the heavens and the earth. An angel without wings so tender...so fragile yet so strong. With enough strength to fly against the strongest of winds yet so tender as to fear the dread of disappointment. With a heart fashioned for service and a beauty designed for dominance. A wondrous enigma requiring discernment to understand. To understand it is to understand beauty. A soul worthy of so much....about to soar into clearer skies. She calls to me in a dream and says "I can..." I stand in awe...
