Oh my loves, it's been a minute I know but I guess I needed to gather the thoughts of my heart before I came and sat before this screen again. About two weeks ago, one of my best friends passed on to be with the Lord. She also just so happened to be my sister Bridget. I know she is with the Lord and that brings me unimaginable comfort but I can say that in my selfishness... I miss her so. She was the life of every room she entered and touched many lives along the way but under the light of her glory, there was suffering. Not the kind that can disease the body unto death, but the kind that feels the heaviness of a potential she thought she was never able to reach here on earth. Where she is now allows her to understand that maybe, in touching the many lives she has touched... she actually reached that potential after all. Maybe it was just her time to go and meet her truest reward in eternity. The suddenness of it all left a mark that wont heal so easy but I can see it crawling on my heart as I work towards finishing up a few serious loose ends she left behind.
While officiating burial arrangements as well as tying up those "loose ends", I will admit to having the displeasure of seeing the ugliness of people that called themselves her "friends" and "family". Thankfully, it was all but a handful... but that was enough to turn me off for awhile... literally sickened me. Some people just do not understand the concept of boundaries and the idea of "time and place" but I refuse to hash that out publically or even bother with it at all. I only deal with those that are important to me and these folks? meh... I've also come to understand the concept of the "Fair Weathered Friend". The kind that loves being cool on sunny days but pretends to not see or hear anything pertaining to you when the storm comes. God forbid they should need to hold an umbrella or two. I've thought to keep my distance from people I love for the sake of honor when I thought I might be stepping on someone else's toes by doing what I'd normally do for support, only to hate myself afterwards in finding out later that there were no toes to step on. Yet NEVER have I stayed away because it was too much for me to handle. This is not me pattin myself on the back. This is just me telling you my modus operandi. A modus I tend to project onto others and this is the kind of projection that only adds to unnecessary disappointment. Why "unnecessary"? Because you never really know the why behind it all and just because someone doesn't do as you would, does not mean they are less virtuous than you. I let it go easy but I hide the "happenings" in my heart. Some folks are truly "fair weathered" but others might have valid reasons for being the way they are.
Yet of all the things I've learned in this short time, most importantly, I've come to realize something profound. That all the suffering I've endured these last few years has turned me into someone that can take on most things in the midst of pain and grief. If I laid out all that I've gone through, you'd be surprised to hear of it. You'd tell me that you never saw it and there is a reason for that... I didn't want you to. Is it a flaw? Is it ego? Or is it that I'm more like my mother than I'd like to acknowledge? The attitude that says "you have 5 minutes to cry and feel sorry for yourself... then shake it off and move your ass... we got sh*t to do". It's not that you become calloused (though some do) but because you value your faith, hope, love and passion as much as I do, you learn to compartmentalize your pain until it's time to sit on that proverbial rock and allow yourself the time to process all that really happened (a needful thing for growth). There's way too much that needs doin and I endeavor to complete it all. I've said it before and I'll say it again: The size of the upcoming blessing can be measured by the size of the trial that leads up to it. Having said that I know... I'm expecting nothing short of greatness.
Now, understand this. How different am I than you that have been struggling in private? Look back on all you've endured and notice how the wheels of your mind are still spinning... how your heart is still beating. You're still laughing at jokes, still moving forward. Still looking to reach goals and still looking to love life and be more than you are. You, my love... are stronger than you think you are. Thank God for all that you've endured... for the monster warrior you've become and for the blessings that are on their way. So "head up!! shoulders back!! shake it off... you got sh*t to do"... Much love...
~moses apollo
PS: In due time, we will be returning to your regularly scheduled programming
