I remember the days when the simplest explanation was usually the correct one and what made it simple was not that it was so elementary... but that it could be easily explained for mass understanding and/or consumption. A feat that required articulation. Many times I will write things that may require two or three reads to really comprehend the flowcharted and/or circular thought process within one lines' conclusion. Even the pieces of music I choose add (by lyric or emotive expression) to the themes that may at times hide between the letters. Thankfully, some have taken notice. I have been told this by folk that read my pieces. At first, they wonder why I repost things over and over again... but after awhile, some tell me what was finally revealed to them and to their surprise, it was not the same idea they picked up in their first reading...
When every detail you wish to use to support your thesis or hypothesis requires it's own paragraph because you see them differently than their name implies, it is very difficult to convey what you're trying to say without losing your audience to misunderstanding or a short attention span. So what do you do? KISS: Keep It Simple Stupid... knowing some depth will be lost, you advance your point anyway and hope they dig further into what you truly meant to say. Doing it this way will undoubtedly sprout misunderstanding and misinterpretation but that is all part of the fun... when it comes to writing that is.
Yet when this is translated into the read of one's actions and life, one is bound to be unfairly judged and/or "boxed". Especially when one lives an unorthodox life that cannot be easily explained in one sitting or conversation. Most folk are so linear, they are easy to read but some deal in complexities that require articulation. Not of an idea... but of a point of view and in order to accomplish this, the articulator will need an empathetic mind to receive said articulation. If they are unwilling or unable to step into your shoes and see through your eyes... save your breath. Your actions and/or ideas will be interpreted through the eyes of their own experience and belief system. Now imagine, you trudge along life meeting so few of these empathetic individuals that you simply decide that no one truly deserves your "why" any longer and you decide to clam up. What do you think happens? That's right, you are completely misjudged and therefore... misaligned. "Packaged" in the mind of too many that think they know how to interpret you because they either watched a YouTube video or took a class on the personality type they have chosen to box you into. You laugh it off and keep it moving because it's all you can do. The ones that "get you" are a breath of fresh air & the one's that don't... are work. Too much work to justify even bothering anymore. Today, that type has become way too sure of their own conclusion. To the point that some will actually try to convince you that you're the one that doesn't actually "get" you.
I'm over being frustrated by it. I'm over being upset about it. There is too much in my life I have to do to worry about who gets me & who doesn't anymore. Maybe, when all is said and done, I'll come to care again but maybe by the time that I do, all those I thought worth articulating a stance to will have gone on to better paths. I just want to be free of every angst and hang-up known to man. Free of all things that effect men and women deeply. I want to face every discomfort with an answer that lets them slide off my back. Not in an arrogant, prideful, "nothin can touch me" kind of way but in the kind of way that says "nothing can move me unless I allow it". The kind of stoicism that isn't achieved through meditations or chants (as these are temporary and conditional) but the kind that has faced so much, all discomfort as heavy as a cat 5 storm, is faced with the same tenacity you would a drizzle. To think this would be as easy as making declarations on a blog is a joke. I know what "becoming" takes and with every iteration of "me", I get closer all the time.
I wish that I could share everything that I'm going through... but I can't. The great, the good, the bad and the horrible. All of it... belongs to me and my Lord. Only time will allow me to unfold it publically like pages slowly being read out of a diary that belonged to a recluse and when that day comes... I know I will be closer to the freedom I so desire. It will be a good read... trust it. Till then, I will speak of love and hope like the beautiful stars they are. As constants in the heavens... passion will serve as one of my guides. As gifts from my Lord to me and my own and I will never stop believing. You can trust that too... I'm out
Just had a conversation with a "Red Piller" and if you've followed my blog or seen any of my posts, you will know, I despise their ideas as it pertains to relationships. Believing that women actually want to be treated like sh*t due to the many times they've run roughshod over the good men in their lives is not something I choose to believe myself BUT something he said finally struck a cord. Or rather... it was something I said...
He began to tell me of an experience he had with a woman he showered with understanding. He knew she had been hurt by men in her life and he did not want to be added to that list. He chose not to use her as they did. They'd get close, profess love, bed her and eventually leave. Every time leaving behind another scar that needed to heal and with every occurrence, she'd only grow colder and more distant towards him. Rudeness would eventually follow in their interactions. He had assumed that her rudeness and dismissiveness towards him would end with healing so he said nothing and the thing was, like me, this man was no pushover. He would NEVER allow that behavior with anyone but he loved her enough to stand by and take whatever came. Yet after some time... enough was enough. He figured she was pushing him away... so he just stopped interacting with her altogether.
As he was speaking, it was dawning on me that this was no longer an aberration in their relationship. It seemed that over time, he was the one she felt she could do this to and in my mind, that counts towards character. He had asked me what I would do and I told him: when someone seems bothered having to treat you like a human being or acts like they would rather you didn't exist in their world... believe them and just end any and all contact. In other words, give them what they were too scared to ask for themselves. No need to hate them, no need to speak ill of them... just remove yourself from their sphere in every way, shape and form. That rudeness may have begun as a by-product of pain but it stuck as a constant in their relationship and when something like that exists... how can you call it a relationship of any kind? He told me this story to let me know that unreciprocated love and/or more to the point; unreciprocated decency drove him towards that red pill mindset and having been in situations like that myself... I could understand. I'm just NOT the type to throw out the baby with the bathwater or to classify all women based on what a few have done. This has happened to me with a handful and my deep love for them has driven me to remain understanding to a fault.
Yet now, things have come to a place where I need to start taking my own advice without becoming a "Red Piller" myself. I know my worth and I understand where and how it's been diminished by some. As much as some will hurt, I cannot continue acting as though everything is fine. Hoping that things get better when my gut is telling me that unless there is a drastic change, there is no going back from this and I'm no longer holding my breath. Friends, lovers, relatives and those near and dear to me have at times thought of me like a revolving door that does its' thing with no heart to mention. No feelings to consider and no humanity to acknowledge. As a man, you really don't sweat those things but after awhile, you start to notice where their heart is. You start asking yourself if these folk should gain access to anything having to do with you given its clear they could care less about you. All this dawned on me after I told him my views. It seems I had allowed things to go too far with some and that it was finally time to accept that our interactions have run their course. No bitterness, anger or regrets... just finally giving them what their posture towards me had decided on when the rudeness began.
At this point in my life, I honestly have zero reasons to think its ok for any friend, lover or relative to think they can treat me like wallpaper that sticks to a wall that no longer produces an ounce of consideration. Especially when I'm just doing what I feel an honorable man should do and as time progresses, the reasons will become even LESS than zero. I'm still at the point that I can walk away "cool." Any more of it... and I may wind up despising these people. I will NOT allow that to happen... I love them too much to allow it... even if its just one sided you dig? I will keep to my honor... I will remain as I am... but my posture with folks like this must now change.
Moses said "stay the course", Apollo said "f*ck em"... but both have come to say: "we'll handle it". All of me says: "I'm done". I'm out...
my feet tread softly upon these cold tiles... hoping they transition onto your own. to be met again with a smile that reveals it's satiation at being seen, heard, loved and desired by a fools heart. my feet tread softly... as my heart can now feel the weight of that beautiful pain found only in the pine for something sweet that pines for it just the same. that lovely emotional symphonic ache that says "i miss you my love... please find me now". this heavy heart is mine tonight and with it... an unparalleled gratitude. for such a thing declares my heart is alive. it says my heart can love and laugh. it reveals its ability to see and hear those that seek it still with the same fervor and passion it is designed to artistically express. in the midst of this welled up soul of tears... i am thankful...
and how lovely do i find you... as a solitary tear is allowed the privilege of kissing your beautiful face on my account... one. more. time. a tear among the many that was never meant to be an evil, but that instead was meant as the sign of a heart that mirrored my own. a sign that all i knew to be true was true no matter what was ever seen, heard or allowed to be so. a sign that when you reached out for me in the dark... i was doing the same. that when you felt that graze on your shoulder... i was feeling the soft of your skin on the tips of my fingers and that when you felt something soft pressed upon your lips... i was having a beautiful dream. as the symphonic ache composes its own sonata from two hearts now that share the same... my heart cries out in verse...
where does this heart land? (as if it had legs instead of wings) and where does it go to satiate this pine? (as if there was ever an end to its need) how do i live with this in my chest when those seasonal foxholes and trenches no longer serve in their purposed distraction? it is true that it is the artists desire to make love to his muse and i will name her "love" tonight. "love"... my truest muse. you are mine tonight... smile for me my love... remember me fondly and say my name with hope pressed against your lips. feel my breath of love upon your neck and breathe out the same... you are mine tonight...
Afraid of what you'd find, if you took a look inside
Not just deaf and dumb, staring at the sun
Not the only one, who's happy to go blind"
I know a young man with "gifts" that was courted at a very young age by two of the most prominent factions known and "unknown" to man. I place them as equals for universal context alone but only one reigned (and still reigns) supreme. The other... pretends to be equal for the sake of the masses they attempt to court. One requires the surrender of self, the other requires self's elevation. One requires sacrifice, the other seeks power and acquisition. One promises fulfillment in service, the other promises power and glory. In all this... only one delivers both, but only after having service and love become the forefront of every intended endeavor.
This young man chose wisely... and while his road was difficult, he would find it worth its' challenge. The challenge of truly loving beyond hate without needing to mutter senseless daily affirmations. The challenge of knowing who he was and living out all of his humanity under the banner of grace. Beginning as a religious zealot... and eventually shedding the weight of all fraudulent human piety that gloried in its own supposed "goodness." Yet of all the challenges, the challenge of finding out that the secrets the other side promised were simply twisted counterfeits of all he'd come to discover in time was one of the most liberating. "Secrets" only entrusted to "messengers" that were meant to do no harm and were never intended for humankind to employ for outcomes. He found out that these things that have enslaved many in spiritual bondage over time, were cloaked under an umbrella of forbidden knowledge that was neither "knowledge" nor cloaked all that well to begin with.
He came to learn that although there may be some interesting reads in the zeitgeist, there were no secret books worth much of anything when it came to understanding the supernatural outside of the one they call "simplistic." A realization that only came after studying MANY. He found it ironic that the very book most "truth seekers" chose to disregard was the very one they needed to read but never seemed to look for. A book whose "secrets" can only be found seven layers deep when illumination comes from the One that inspired the 66 books within it to begin with. He came to discover that there were no ancient texts that held the actual secrets to the powers of the universe. These texts turned out to simply contain an amalgamation of esoteric babble meant to impress a normative mind seeking to connect some spiritual dots. He realized that even after having been birthed into one side of a family whose heritage included the highest rankings of voodoo, there were no rituals, incantations or spells that could create or destroy when compared to the soul that with a whisper, could speak life into death through the power that comes from the One that has been named "The Most High" by both darkness and light. And to be CLEAR, those that serve Him in spirit and in truth do NOT inherit or take on a "consciousness" but instead become an actual part of Him. Becoming a new species if you will, as a pebble (Petros) is part of a larger rock (Petra)... birthed by His Spirit. As such, they inherit His most important love, His heart and yes... His authority and power as well. Yet the awareness of all these traits must grow out over time under the tutelage of their surrender to Him. NEVER outside of what He taught and NEVER for the sake of their own glory or power. What they receive in power and glory is all due to Him and it is because of this, that they have no reason to boast or carry titles.
What realms require drugs to enter and exit, these enter and exit freely at the behest of Him that created such places or allowed them to exist. Where others sail tethered to a cord... these sail free but only for reasons ordained by the One that allows it. True power in an unseen world can only come when it is given to a pure heart. If that heart becomes corrupted, the power can still remain, BUT it can now become open for even the darkest to manipulate and use. Some decide to become overly mindful in protecting the power they have and choose to play it safe within the boxed parameters of religion. Others choose differently, deciding to walk a tightrope that engages all aspects of their humanity while in earnest doing their best to keep their intentions pure. A tightrope that allows them to be entrusted with deeper knowledge as they are unafraid to venture into places the overly cautious will not. Sometimes, the fullness of humanity (or even the juxtaposition of its weakness) can yield insight into the truth of what humankind was actually meant to become... and is on its way through Him, to ultimately becoming again.
And now, as this young man has grown, he has held fast to His Lord and his way... a "Christian" in every sense of the word... yet "lawful" to be fully fallible and free. A follower of Christ that has rejected all attempts by "new ageism" at co-opting his Lord. A man that has allowed his home to rest on the outskirts of the dogmatic views of his day while appreciating the fundamentals they provided. He sees more than he can actually speak of these days without sounding crazy but the age is approaching where what he can declare will be made evident by unfolding events over time. In the last few weeks, he has been like a student that reads the titles of the chapters ahead of the current lesson plan. He knows what learning the next lessons could mean... and is prepared to accept them nonetheless.
So why speak of such things today? Why detail all of this here? Because among you are less than a handful that question why this man stands unaffected & unmoved by so much sent his way. Why is he impervious to things others seem to so easily succumb to? Some of you may comprehend what I've written here today, while others might have even more questions. In either case... you with "ears to hear"... "listen" closer than you ever have before. For writ between the letters... is both a warning... and a Word...
We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming... I'm out
Self-awareness... you either have it or you don't. At one time, it was considered to be one of our most important traits for growth, but due to "fad" psych-pop... it began to place lower on the lexicon scale. It seems the word "narcissist" took its place. An overhyped and misinterpreted word to be sure. I truly believe if there were more self-awareness in this world, there'd be less of a compulsion to use it as something viable. Since many that use it have no idea that they judge themselves every time they do. Now, lest one make the mistake of thinking that I'm somehow triggered by the word, understand that it is the overuse of any wrongfully defined term used to throw people away that I'm staunchly against. That includes the words "racist" and "misogynist"... words that no longer have weight or meaning because they are used to impune the motives of everything and everyone these days. Folks, if everyone's a thing... no one is a thing. So then, what's the difference between the two? The self-aware, look inward to self-correct and grow, while the narcissist looks at their reflection as something beautiful at the expense of others or what needs to internally change. The "experts" today lack nuance, confusing the two. An error that by extension has "chilled" the positive effects of self-awareness. Well... for most, it seems, anyway. I still hold fast to the power of it and always will.
Why bring this up? Well, since I began incorporating the practice of matching energy for energy, I've noticed some have begun treating me differently. Almost like they think my feelings towards them have changed, and I find it interesting. They lack the self-awareness to see that all I've done is place a mirror up where there was none. My feelings for them have remained constant throughout. The only thing that has changed is that I no longer put out what I've put out before without reciprocation or appreciation. For them, it seems to be something to negatively respond to either internally or externally... and it makes no sense at all. It's like sincerely being bothered or upset at someone else's behavior that you have engaged in yourself without ever making the relevant connection. Self-awareness grants me clarity on where I need to apologize and self correct. It makes me a better man... an understanding man. One that knows I cannot dare to ask for something I myself have not been willing or able to give. Too many have tossed this aside and have decided to solely focus on how they've been seemingly slighted... without ever looking at what role they may have played in it themselves.
Ironically, this has further crystalized who will remain in my orbit and vice versa going forward and I'm talkin family, friends and lovers. I've said this many times before but I can feel a change comin. This time, it is one that can not be stopped or delayed as easily as the rest. In times past, when I've declared "change", it was because it was clearly on the horizon but as it was clear to me, it was just as clear to those looking to prevent it for the sake of their control. In this case, their control and their ability to prevent or delay progress has greatly diminished... and I am so ready to proceed onto the next level(s). One day, I may speak clearer on this "change"... or not.
I know what needs doin and in spite of all my trials, I have been ready for what's next for quite some time. I had ideas about who'd be standing with me in the end, but time has moved many out of that steadfast line. For whatever reason, I'm accepting that it shall be how it shall be. Its not an easy thing and its somewhat confusing at times but there's nothing I can see to do or say on my end to remedy it... humans gonna "human." For my part, I've said it before, and I'll say it again: I am and will always be who and what I've always been... an oasis for some and sometimes... something else for others. Much love to you all... I'm out...
The past two years have been one big blur. One "day-in-day-out" trudge. Where everyday was a day unto itself... without a yesterday to remember or a tomorrow to hope for. With no way to make plans... because doing so might cause you to lose your spot in the foxhole. Less than a handful know the trial I've been facing as I am not one to complain for some weightless victim status that brings glory only to the empty. No, we do what we have to do... silently. Now... to step out of the foxhole and fan out into the battlefield with clearer objectives. A mop up operation of sorts that will require mental cunning, emotional maturity and spiritual hierarchy. I was made for such things...
And yet... the officiating of such things comes with a price. They all come mixed in with people and things that nine times out of ten, might not want to stick around for the battle. People and things your focus might have to deviate from given the amount of focus those battles require. In all my life, I think there was only one that understood and was willing, at least verbally... to take the parts of me she could have and live with not having the rest given how sparse my pieces tend to get. She said that "pieces" of me had more value than the "whole" of some others and I was grateful for the sentiment but even that didn't last. For even if it were true, most folk don't do well with pieces of a thing... they always want the whole. A wholeness the more complex will usually fake giving up just to stay in a relationship. I can agree with that semantically and that is only because how I define having the wholeness of one is different than most others would have it. It is a mindset that comes from seasoned hearts that long to hold fast to rainbows and butterflies while clearly accepting how fleeting they are. These take the special moments as they come and they become the basis of all that is rich within their heart and the heart of those they share them with. 5 minutes, 5 hours, 5 days or 5 weeks... all stretched out as eternal given how special those moments become. The seasoned understand how important this is and seek this out as they live out purpose or plan. Yet given the "rules" today... ain't many out there that will openly say this is a route they don't mind taking. For my part, it is one of the very reasons why I remain a man of discretion. The more I look, the more I see this becoming acceptable... even among the younger women. But just because this is so, does NOT mean that they are all ready for such an experience as it is NOT for those unwilling to feel the pain of longing or the confusion that comes from living beyond convention.
I have fearlessly poured my soul into a woman's heart, have made love like a king whose kingdom was made up of stars and have indulged in moments of ecstasy with some whose years of companionship were supposed to transform love making into something mechanical. My time and experience has created something in me that will never die and I am thankful for this most days. Yet to be this way and have battles to fight and wars to win is not an easy thing. It means learning to manage the hard and the soft and remain sincere in the process. It means fighting off frustration in the foxhole while simultaneously finding joy in the purpose or plan. This takes an internal acrobatic skill requiring an awareness unique to all your inner workings. Something that does not happen overnight. Something that carries real weight and translates into many other areas of life. Something... that has a man like me blessed, at times to hear:
"you can keep your life, your money and all you have as possession... I just want you however I can have you... for however long... I can have you..."
