It all began for me when I was very young. When I believed in holding hands, a stolen rose from a garden along the way and mixtapes with songs that reminded me of how much I missed her... and how she must be missing me the same. A long distance "relationship" was the first time I truly met the cutest form of love available to the wonderfully & foolishly naïve. A kid in love... you can't beat that. The very first love letter I ever wrote was inspired by her and the long distance we had to endure. You see... I wanted to be with her. I wanted to touch her and let her know how much I loved her... and all I had was a pen and paper...
I wrote that thing like it was the most important thing I've ever written in my life. I drew from the songs of the day that meant something to me and when I sent it... I really prayed she would like it. Well, it turned out to become more than I had imagined. It reached her in every way I needed it to and I finally found a way to have my heart do the holding my arms were too out of reach to enjoy. She shared it with her family and in catching up years later, she'd let me know that both her and her mother would sometimes pull it out of the box it was kept in to read. Folks, you can throw me all manner of compliments about my looks and my body but I have found that nothing beats a compliment thrown about what is seen after you've shown someone your heart. Some time after this, a friend of mine just happened to pick it up off my kitchen table to read. What happened next was nothing short of ridiculous.
This annoying little turd (said with as much affection as I could muster for that one) had begged me to use the letter for a girl he had a crush on. I will never forget her name... it was Prissy (a nickname no doubt) and she lived on our block. She used to hang out with a girl named Rosa and Rosa was extremely popular at school. I never got to know Prissy as well as I should have but what I can say is that looking back... I missed all the signs. Prissy and I had small chit chat from time to time but I never went much deeper than that due to my friends' crush on her. She seemed off limits to me so I never entertained a thing. One day, something had happened with me that made me feel "off" and she came up to me, put her arms around me and gave me the most assuring eyes a sad sot could ever ask for. My hands instinctively held her waist and for a few cool seconds, it felt like we were a couple. I literally had to look away as I felt the urge for a "lean-in" comin on but it felt kinda right. No, nothing ever came of it but that moment stayed with me for all these years... and for good reason.
Yet I digress... back to the letter. Yes, to my shame... I let him use it. Understand something folks, he was supposed to change it up a bit for himself but the troglodyte decided to hand it to her "as is"... with MY name still attached. Yes... this happened. Yet without exaggeration... it made the rounds at school and became a hit among the girls. One could say it went "viral" before such a thing was even thought of and folks... I was only about 11. I had no idea what to do with all that but my friend did have to say that it was meant for Prissy from HIM. In his case... it landed flat. In my case... oh buddy!! lol Now, I can already hear the simpletons regurgitating phrases like "we don't live in the past" blah blah and it is true but from time to time, we take peaks into the past (using sensibilities applicable at the time) to see if there are any nuggets we missed that we can still glean from and in absolute truth... I learned a lot from that experience. Pop phycology has us looking into the past to explain away or find the reasons for negatives affecting our present and I call bullsh*t on that. I seek out the beauty and the lessons I might've missed as everything we've ever been through had the opportunity to makes us bitter... or better. All hinging on perspective. For my part... I will always seek the better.
So what, pray tell, is the lesson gleaned? That there is a childlike love immersed in childlike faith that inspires us to have wings we could never reason ourselves into manifesting. No matter how seasoned we become. No matter how stoic, logical or reasoned... we can still keep this childlike faith and love as a treasured commodity. The difference is that when we were young, we applied it to the unworthy as well as the worthy but as our hearts and minds have seasoned... we now apply it where it will do the most good. I am still that child in the spirit, soul and body of the man whose words you've come here to read today. It has cost me to keep but my return on that investment has earned my soul more than I could measure. You once believed and you might feel the outcome has tainted that belief but I'm here to tell you that it was not your belief that let you down... it's who you chose to invest that belief into. If a stock fails... do you swear off money in bitterness? No... then neither should you swear off love. Believe my loves... believe.
"It all began for me when I was very young. When I believed in holding hands, a stolen rose from a garden along the way and mixtapes with songs that reminded me of how much I missed her... and how she must be missing me the same."
I STILL believe... I'm out...
~moses apollo
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