Thinkin on a few things things today had me realizing that I never really learned how to "date". I went from dalliances into puberty that drove my libido and passion into a relationship that turned into a marriage that happily lasted 17 years. After my divorce, I tried "dating" someone but found myself acting as invested as I was as a husband and it served as one of the reasons why things didn't work out. I just didn't know the "rules". When I finally learned how to date, I hated it so much I decided to leave out of my future relationships anything that would taint them. The ownership, the games, the pretension...all gone if I could help it. The practicality of such a thing always seemed easy enough given the climate but my code made it almost impossible. I had to have it done a certain way...done with honor. So I became what I became...
At one time, I'd be embarrassingly classified a "lover". Why "embarrassing"? It just always seemed like something out of a cheesy romance novel but when I look back on my history and peak into some of my present...there's no other word for it *cue the violins*. Now how you define that is where your "judgment" of my character takes shape. I'd rather you didn't judge me at all but hey..."humans gonna human". To define a "lover" as a "player" is way off. True lovers ain't in it for the game or the numbers...but for so much more. As I've stated many times on this blog, I learned to better myself sexually to please my then wife. Our sex life was good but I knew there was way more to be experienced and that it had more to do with "internals" most were unwilling to study than technique. My love for her and place as a husband provoked it. I had to "learn her" & allow her my openness to "learn me". I was on a literal quest to become selfless in many areas and intimacy was a big one for me. In time I came to learn that witnessing her pleasure in our exchanges really did it for me and THIS is what eventually carried over into my single life after my divorce. So you see...my love for her began the evolution of the man writing this today. As for today, "lovers" tend to be defined by how many people one has had sex with and how many orgasms THEY were able to "make happen" lol (porn mindset) A number that can be artificially inflated by simply swiping right or left or whatever the hell people do today. An uber-basic endevour...as such a thing's appeal is self-satisfaction for self-preservation. It's main goal is to fulfill a personal need without giving any real thought to the needs of the person you're with. No give, just take...without real exchange. "Efficient"...but dead. You're just replacing your hands with a strangers body. Now, I'm not gonna judge such a thing as right or wrong but I can and will call it "basic" all day, everyday and twice on Sunday. By definition "basic" is meeting a human function without much thought. The dangers of something like this is that it will soon (if it hasn't already) become erroneously classified as "intimacy". Unfortunately like everything else via definition...that word may lose it's heart as well.
I understand its allure and its an allure that is meant to pacify a fear of getting hurt. That promises sex without getting close enough to care whether they stay or go but I can say that such a thing exacts a heavier price on the soul over time than risking the loss of love ever can. Once you've tasted true intimacy, the fickle is seen for what it is...and it's no longer enough. Satiating with the semblance of reward...without risking a thing. Yet its the difference between a well toiled over meal and fast food. It fills the belly...but leaves little left to remember. Which is why I will always recommend the conventional for most. To find that one to love and cherish. To hold and live out that dream. I've lived mine and am blessed to have done so but my nature has drawn me out to something else...undefined by phase or convention. I'm good with it...
Herein lay my code. I need no commitment or contract but I need to know that the soul I'm sharing my own with in a moment is compatible and connected with me enough to reach out from within as the moment calls and that my own soul is apt to meet that call...wherever it should lead (soft, hard, clean or dirty). Such a thing requires time, respect, understanding, selflessness and the kind of love that "sees" something too damn beautiful to mantle or own. A "seeing" that takes place way before two bodies ever meet. A deeper foreplay that expresses love in a way that her pleasure, growth and progress are what make you happy and where attachment...becomes of no consequence. Risking a confusion, pain and frustration that is poured out like hot wax in the "meeting". In this...I found an unparalleled purity both blessed and graced by its' selfless nature. Sounds sweet-like right? It is...but insanely hard to do and THAT is what keeps it special ;-)
So I guess today, I'd just be classified as "different"... and I can dig that. What? Too "old fashioned"? No my loves...just "seasoned for the sweet-like". I'm out...
~moses apollo
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