When your facing a serious ongoing crisis (by men's standards) and you're still trying to live out your life as best you can, your brain will instinctively switch into "zero-sum" mode. "This or that" is all it's been conditioned to understand in moments of crisis. I tend to think that it's because it's doing it's best to conserve it's energy for the more pressing issues so it will not suffer standing in line at the Chinese take out readin through a menu that's been read over a million times. Decision making gets short and so will you if you don't keep that in check. A surface answer to my last post...
Oh and on top of that, I tested positive for Covid almost two weeks ago. Due to the combo I take (Quercetin/Zinc/C/D3) on the regular, my symptoms were that of a moderate flu except for one thing...the fatigue. I tried training through it and nearly injured myself so I been holdin back. Thankfully, I made so much progress leading up to this that I'm impressed by what has stuck. Still...training to me is also therapy (among many other things) so this has only made things worse. It's been a cornucopia of sh*t folks and I'm still not giving up. If you all knew what the ongoing crisis was...you'd all appreciate what I just typed a bit more. Trust me...it's not what any of you think it is.
Look, in times like these, like I've said many times, you get to feel everything and today, I had an enlightening conversation. You know, given "what" I am or at least, what I believe my role to be, I always let it go when I've felt slighted for no logical reason because I understood it "came with the gig". You can be the kindest person in the world to someone or love family unconditionally to the point of irreparable sacrifice and they can still stab you in the back. If a stranger does it, you can laugh it off but when someone that has your heart does it, it kind of chucks off a piece of it everytime. As God as my witness (something I NEVER say lightly) I don't care who comes and goes or what folk decide to do. What I do care about is how they manage their comin and goin when it pertains to me. I ask for NOTHING so there is never any pressure. Nor will I ever "take" the way others "take". I have had MANY opportunities handed to me to "take" but I knew that doing so would only cause harm. I opted for doing what was right outside of my own instant gratification out of respect towards the person I could've taken from. All I ever ask for is what should be forthcoming from one human being to another without ever having to voice it...reciprocated respect and honor.
I know a powerful woman that is a gamer extraordinaire. Everyone knows how I feel about "gaming" (relationship-wise...not my thing) but because she honored me enough never to play me or ever think she could "back-pocket" me (insulting)...I perceived her "gaming" was more about "survival of the fittest" than it was about raw power for ego or the childish need to seek validation from her "lessers". She gave me what I gave her...the respect of honesty and transparency. Something that made her all the more desirable to me. She didn't do it to impress me...she did it because it was who she was. Yet because of how real she was...she also knew my value and what I was all about. She wasn't ready for what I was offering at the time as she had a more conventional life to live out then. This was years ago. I understood it then and I understand it now when others are going through the same. Through it all, she knew that I was all I had shown her to be and continued to reciprocate the same respect I had shown her...even when she felt she hadn't. Hadn't spoken to her in years till just recently. She was not and is not perfect (just like me) but what places her where I place her, is the fact that she was always real with me and "real" for me...means respect and honor.
In my life, I've had folk I cared about speak negatively about me behind my back while pretending all was well. Others, that have kept information from me they thought would've changed my posture towards them without need (gamers move). Information that would have been important for the sake my own expectations and mindset to know. I've had family I had cried over and emotionally invested into straight up lie on me to others. Now mind you that these are very rare but the weight of these rest in what these people meant to me. Each time...brush it off...keep lovin on em. "Humans" gonna "human" you dig? Most of them don't even know that I know what I know and I can guarantee you that I didn't go looking for information. Understand this...that everything you do or say comes to light in one way or another. Due to this and "heavier" reasons...stay "correct"...ALWAYS. Do or say nothing in private you wouldn't mind the consequences of if made public...especially towards the person you're speaking about. I in no way excuse this behavior but there are some folk, you just can't cut out of your life just like that. So the next thing becomes inevitable...you back off internally. Something that may actually be worse but given the way some things go down...sometimes, your self-respect gives you no choice. It is the natural human reaction to some situations and is sometimes just as instinctive as the "this or that" I referenced earlier.
Yeah...but just as this defensive reaction is instinctive given the circumstance, "healing" should be the same but it isn't. THAT...is something we need to choose. My Lord has sustained my love even though I found out today (from my conversation) I've not fully healed from such things. Yet like "so much busted plumbing"...most ain't got no time for that either so what do we instinctively want to do? Run away...hide out...become invisible to most of the world. Things I cannot afford to fully do...nor can those that still need me. To remain who and what I am, I have no choice but to "heal" and that ain't gonna be easy given all that's going on. I suppose that makes it worth it then.
Yeah...this is next level sh*t right here. When (not if) I get through this...I'm wondering what will come out the other end. Interesting. You know, I've learned over time that this is also just another one of those things that..."comes with the gig"...I'm out...
~moses apollo
PS: "What gig?". I tried to explain this to folk that were not "raised" as I was before but was only met with confusion or the simplistic criticism of "he must think he's better than everyone else" when if they really understood, they'd know the exact opposite was true. They'd know that one of the pre-reqs of "the gig"...is "knowing one's place" will NEVER be at the front of the line but folk will think what they need to. So no...I'll not be speaking of that. You all can figure that one out on your own if you should so desire...or not ;-)
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