Is it pain? Grief? Confusion? I don't think so. This may just be the part of the game where I meet the "Big Boss" before the final prize. Where he overwhelms you by throwing everything at you that you had to face in the game one at a time at different levels. Yeah, that's it...right?
I remember walking into a dentists office years ago with severe pain from an impacted molar. He was the only one I could find at that hour that would take a walk-in. Told him the issue, he sat me down, gave me some local anesthesia and off he went tryin to pull the tooth. What a sight. Here is this dentist with powerlifter arms...sweatin. Tryin to get at this thing while his assistant has this worried look on her face. All of a sudden: "CRACK!!!" Yeah, he got some of the tooth out but it came off the bone. He and his assistant were sportin the hardest "oh sh*t" look I've yet to ever see again on anyone else's face. Why? Well...I started laughing. I found the whole thing preposterous and to be upset would just be stupid. Poor young chick was horrified as I sat there laughing my ass off with blood runnin off the side of my mouth. All I could think of was "yeah, this'll make for a good story". A little sadistic but fun yeah?
Count up all I've been through and am still going through...damn if it ain't funny to me. If you could see the high-rise complex I'm holding up as it gets hit by every manner of storm, sabotage, foolishness, sickness and circumstance, you'd tell me to "let it go" but you see...too many folks live in it and I find it funny that God has me holdin it all up by a beam...ONE beam. It's all I see day in, day out. It's all I eat and drink. I train my body holding it...I make love holding it...I carry it with me everywhere I go. I shower with the freakin thing...and I find it hilarious. The seriousness and the weight of it all is not for the average soul and I wonder sometimes...I just do. To "ask" and only get back the answers you already know can be frustrating while at the same time...oddly comforting. The security of..."knowing"...
Everyone has "issues"...both internal and external. Then some like myself...face real world ordeals of life and death on a pretty average day. The only ones fully aware are the ones directly involved but most will never know it. Nor will most ever appreciate the gravity if I tell them as I will tell them like I'm readin off Tuesdays' special off the corner diner's menu. White noise after midnight seepin off an old school circa 1974 TV set...just for me...
Through it all, I know I'll be alright. My Lord has proven that time and time again. It's just goin through some things bearing and holding fast to all that you are is THE trial of all trials. I tell you the truth: You are not deemed strong by simply getting through an ordeal. You are deemed strong when you've come through with your heart not just intact...but stronger and wiser than it was goin in. So my love, I say to you...endure. After every t's been crossed and every i's been dotted...it's all you've left to do. Much love...
~moses apollo
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