"I fell apart, but got back up again..."
I remember the adrenaline rush of being chased by the NYPD that ended in a beat down after getting caught. Dirt, grit and grime at my feet in a 12x12 cell. 16 yrs old with an impulse to strangle a man in his sleep for takin the only steel bunk available. A cold dirty floor to sleep on with bars at my left and a toilet seat at my right. I could blame the friends that introduced me to this or my parents for letting me roam free but then I realized....I did this. The crack in my despair came as I silently sang a hymn holding onto the bars of my temporary home with my face pressed against their cold steel. The anger slowly melting off me. The man on my bunk woke up and as he began to speak...introspection took hold. We spoke about my life and he finally said "You're stupid for being here...". He was right. When I came through, I did what was needed in a spirit of gratitude...
I remember my beautiful pregnant wife and I living in a one bedroom apartment stuffed with furniture not placed proper yet. Queen sized bed in the living room with just the moonlight seeping through the 10 dollar shades I installed on the windows. 19 years old and scared...wonderin what to do. Could I become the man I'm supposed to be? I can blame teenage angst and passion but then I realized...I chose this. The crack in my despair came as I layed down and held her close. She slept on my chest and with every second that I held her tighter, I knew we would be ok. I did what was needed in a spirit of gratitude...
I remember the 17 years that passed within a successful marriage to then willingly become a man that chose to be alone. Living in a one bedroom lair for 4 years designed for sin and sanctuary. Living out the artistry of love and lust combined. Lost within a part of myself I never knew existed and never got the chance to know. Absinthe, prescription opioids and sleeping pills keepin me in a two to four month haze. Larger than life across oceans as an unnamed ethically criminal talent. Deep in everything and nothing. I could blame my heart, the drug companies or the economy for my plight but then I realized...I opted for this. The crack in my despair came when I looked in the mirror to find sunken eyes and my color drained. I went to bed and dreamt the sound of rattle snakes under my bed and after two weeks of solitary pain, I told them to leave...they did. Nighttime silence and rest brought me to the mirror to see my color come back and my sight restored to see clearly again. To know I would never go back to the extremes I tested but to find a beautiful balance instead. I did what was needed in a spirit of gratitude...
I faced other trials as a parent since then but those I'll leave for another day. On this blog you read the words of a man that does his best to imbue your mind with realistic encouragement. To fill you with words of inspiration that may or may not get you moving towards something better but I need you to understand where that comes from. It comes from sticking my hands in garbage knowing it was garbage. Seeing the worst in men and women...in my heroes, in my saints and in me. Recognizing and acknowledging that the filth is real and palpable. Living through challenges as though they were sporting events as opposed to living them as though they were meant to define my life. A man that came to know that life is neither light nor dark but it is in fact both and that knowing the truth of both is to find the reasoning behind most journeys. A reasoning that keeps a man from the bondage of bitterness and anger from plight and pain. I eventually came to the truth that "this too shall pass" isn't just an empty platitude...it's the truth.
Most times you will read self-help books and regurgitate quotes from people that live with their heads in the clouds or up their esoteric asses. They often see no evil in men. Some may moan and cry about a hangnail. Others take offense easily because you may dirty their rainbow with real talk of earth. Their skin is so thin...untested and unscarred. My optimism doesn't come from books, it comes from living them out from inside. It doesn't come from the rainbow, it comes from the rain. It is sprung from a place of deep dark pessimism that I have taken an ax to until it bleeds an optimistic light of truth that affords me the hope I need to endure that dark. Living the life of constant challenge I have lived affords me every excuse in the book to be bitter. To place blame on this or that but that would be living a lie. That is the life of a weak man unwilling to make course corrections. Unwilling to see where he is wrong...staying in the same place of darkness. Yet I have been a witness to a fact. That in every dark situation I have encountered, I have always been able to see a light shine through. No matter how small, if you look...you will find it. It is in that moment that you take your ax and begin to get at it...making it bigger with every damn strike. With every new exposition of light, it grows until it overtakes the darkness completely. Turning that little crack into a canyon of hope that you can draw from. That says, "I may be in a bad way now...but I can get through this better than before". Creating the epiphany for real deep change.
So I will tell you this now: Never deny the ugly that is present with an imagined fluffy unmerited hope as that will only keep you in the same darkness under an imagined light. Sh*t is sh*t and no amount of air freshener can mask it. See it for what it is. See it in your friend that f*cked you over. See it in the f*cked up retaliatory move you made. See it in the crime you commited. See it in the affair you had and in the lie you told. See it in the affair your mate had. Your crack comes in owning up to any responsibility you have and sometimes in the forgiveness of another but after that, don't be the fluffy idiot thinkin that because you've forgiven them, they now get off easy or that because you admitted your sin, you or they are absolved of consequence. Forgive the smell of sh*t but flush it when you need to. See the dark, accept it but find the true light you need to overcome it based in the present reality. I promise you, that light will be there when you need it. See it, build on it and bathe in it. Expect the worst, hope for the best and you will not face the despair of disappointment. If the best comes, you will be grateful...the true cog of happiness...much love
~Moses Apollo
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