"Home is where the head is..."
I can find reasons in my past for depression and regret but having come to the reality that all things are sent our way with the choice as to how we decide to receive them, I'm good in these areas. Every last one of them have come with an invaluable lesson attached and whether the lesson will come to serve me or someone else is of no consequence...they all came with a benefit.
As for my future on the other hand, I didn't prepare enough in my past to afford me greater options now and though my primary option is extremely lucrative, it comes with a somewhat heavy personal cost. It is enough to cause me anxiety. It is enough to have me procrastinate on whether or not to take that leap as there is much I desire to do staying "home". So to mitigate my anxiety, I plan for different roads that my talents can take me down which can create a whole new level of anxiety based on the unknown lol Yeah, fucked all around right? Not really because once those plans are set and executed...it's like cream cheese. Yet between planning and execution, you know what I do? I begin to do something different. I ask myself a question: "What is front of me right now?"
*Snapshot* (smile!!!)
It's 1:51 AM and I'm sitting in front of my computer screen typing away as though only a few will read this. My inbox is open in one tab, another tab is for where I get my movies, music is playing in my headphones off youtube and Facebook is on another tab. Shit I was gonna get off Facebook but someone told me they were ministered by something I wrote. It's like that every fucking time lol "Everytime I try to get out...they pull me back in!!!" OK here we go...I am missing somebody...shit I hope she's alright. I can't believe that my current thoughts are whether or not she's eating right and getting enough sleep!!! lol He better be treatin her right...fucker. I am also noticing that I used the acronym "lol" several times in this piece but that's OK because it's a "light and fluffy" one. The ones that take a bit more thought are granted more sanctity when it comes to grammar. Shit!!! I have to follow up on the lessons I sent!!! etc etc etc...
*End Snapshot* (too damn sexy!!!)
It is now 2:03 AM and I have just taken 12 whole minutes living in the now as I described it. Did any of it follow a train of thought or make much sense? Nope. Did I waste time? That all depends on whether or not I can use any of this current thought for something later on in which case I will say I did not waste any time at all Would this be as productive without this written description? Absolutely not!!! lol Yet...my anxiety is soothed. Neat little trick right? Works also if you decide to watch a graphics intensive movie. Your mind is too busy processing everything to allow it time to ruminate on shit you can't do anything about in the present which is why I choose fantasy/sci-fi stuff. Try watching "Lord Of The Rings" and see if you get distracted. Now, some folks believe living in the now constantly means "blowing off steam". Some can do that without getting into trouble, others? Not so much lol I'm not lookin to get into trouble or find something else I will need to "learn from" so I will find ways to satiate my senses with what I find within my current surroundings so no...I never get bored lol You ever been on a 10 hour flight? I will either talk to someone sitting next to me or will doodle the shit out of the emergency plan pamphlets...yeah that's me lol
Now, if you have no other "plan" and are constantly "living in the now" then I can say that you are truly wasting time and space but if you've planned, you've called and you've done all you can do. For the rest of your day and night...ask yourself the question without shame..."What is in front of me right now?"
I have no idea why I decided to write this but if it blesses one of you? Shit I'm blessed too...
~Moses
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