"Cuando nadie me ve...When no one sees me..."
Seeming contradiction...or not?
I am a man that lives in a house of ill repute. I seemingly adorn it with every manner of sexual attraction deemed necessary for pleasuring one's mate with functionality, size and knowledgeable application. Yet the soul that lives in this home is not altogether represented properly by others that live in similar homes. You see, these adornments were never meant to be sexual in nature at all but are in fact a by-product of the home's ever increasing strength and because it is my home, I learned every aspect of it in detail. It's primary intent and function is that of strength and that is what I choose to focus on. I use everything else in it in targeted ways with precision but not sparingly so because to do so would negate it's primary intent. So when they look at my home, all they can imagine in it's occupant is a man that is willing to take in all seeking pleasure. That he must be one of those that gets paid to dance at parties filled with sexually hungry females and worse than that...that he must be dishonest in his intentions for true love.
Folks, I came to terms with this a long time ago. The insane ways both men and women have approached me most wouldn't believe unless seen. As a child, these events fueled an ego I learned early on was worth nothing at all. As a man, I have come to field many an interest without leading them on. I say thank you and move on but most will never believe it. In the minds of most, if I'm talking to an attractive female, I must be sleeping with her and I must admit that it is a normal human response but it still is an assumption as opposed to a well informed deduction. It has always been a "damned if I do, damned if I don't" situation and one that has at times stifled my progress. Do you know what it's like to not want to see or deal with anyone? To want to hide away from the accolades you don't think yourself worthy of? Maybe even to purposely let yourself go a little so that you don't stand out as much? Yeah that was me a long while ago. That is until I realized that it really wasn't a problem in and of itself but that is was more a problem of perception. It had to be changed if I was to seek unimpeded improvement daily. I actually started posting pics on Facebook as a way to get past it and it turned into an ever evolving vehicle of encouragement. It was an extremely difficult thing for me to do. I used to shy away from accolades but now I see it best to be appreciative and/or be self-deprecating about it as it reveals me to be simply a man. Not a simple man mind you...but a man that is in fact approachable.
Now what has allowed me to assuage annoyance at preconception is the simple understanding of where that thought process comes from. When I stopped my pity party, it was simple to see that it came from an undeniable precedent. More often than not, men that live in such homes are the way they are assumed to be but that only meant that the burden was on me to prove otherwise of myself and that's where this gets troublesome at times. Especially when you have an interest that is just waiting to "out" you as just like any other. So, I basically let people think what they will and sometimes I even egg it on...although only when I am uncommitted which has been my state for the last few years. With me, nothing is always as it seems and I pride myself in tripping up the molds. I am a man that loves using eloquence from my soul, grit off my flesh and breath from my spirit. Try to figure me out without asking me directly and you'll always get it wrong. So now that I'm settled into who and what I am, what do I think? Turns out, being a true dichotomy is kind of fun...I'm out
~Moses Apollo
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