Imagine yourself in a new burgeoning romance, fling...whatever you want to call it. Circumstances keep you both from expressing all you want to but you risk the frustration of it anyway because you don't want to lose a good thing. Now imagine your feelings grow and the circumstances now become something you can no longer deal with. What do you do? Allow me to explain this one as best I could.
Please understand that what I will reveal could make me very vulnerable as I do not reveal too much of my processes lest any should think to take advantage but please be forewarned that I set this up for my inner man so that my processes could never be influenced or tricked by outer stimuli. Having said that I will begin...
Given the example above most would say "let's end it". What that means for them and what it means for me are two very different things. For most it means a complete cut-off with an adjoining "soul searching" that includes finding justification for the cut-off which basically means assigning blame. Most will seek to amplify the negatives of the other to the point where they now view the people they just left as "toxic" even if this was never the case while they were together. They will take themselves out of the equation completely when seeking reasons why the relationship failed and omit all understanding they gained concerning the "negatives" while they were together creating for themselves a reason to say "fuck em!!!" whenever the memory of them springs up. It is easier to deal with a complete cut-off this way but it is an exercise for cowards that do not want to deal with inner struggles honestly. Folks, there was a reason you loved them as you did and that never changes with an argument. Arguments happens and things are said that can be biting but these are said through a primal inclination we have to win at all costs. When I get this way, I know that I have no thought to resolve a matter but instead subjugate the person I love as I would an opponent. This is where I stay silent to regain my thoughts and think clearer to be able to share my point and listen to hers. To come to the place where I can say "I was wrong" in this and she can say the same. That is the ultimate sign of self-control and maturity. Sadly that doesn't always happen and you are left gritting your teeth but I digress as I will deal with this topic on another day. How does this "letting go" differ from my own? This is where it gets tricky or as I like to say..."nuanced"...
Now, the reason why this is common place is because most feel that in order to maintain "love" certain steps must be taken. I do not share this view as I believe love by it's nature is unconditional. I cringe when I hear someone say "If you love me, you will..." as I see that as a manipulation tactic. I see true love as a separate entity that conjoins the souls of the two involved irrespective of action, time or distance. The things we do are an expression of that love but those things do not make or break it in the slightest when it is real. When there is true love, I view it as a rope that is forever attached and the purest evidence of this in found in the natural expression of the purest love...parenting. In the case of two individuals, this rope I speak of never begins short but after years can end up that way. This rope for me has notches that describe how much of that love I am allowed to answer to. The first notch can represent care and the freedom to express it. The next may represent a greater knowledge and understanding of each other's inner workings. The next might represent a deeper expression through tender platitudes of love, greater affection and a deeper spiritual intimacy. The next could represent the allowance of physical touch and greater physical intimacy. The next may even represent the deepest and most profound levels of physical intimacy through "coupling" until finally all is freely expressed and "self" includes each other in most things. Mind you none of these are set in stone but they give you an idea of what I see when it comes to "love" and "loving" in practical terms.
Now that you understand this, I can tell you that where most would cut the rope, I will often choose go back a notch and I do so given the circumstances provided. If the relationship was toxic, I may have to cut but given the level of understanding I have acquired concerning the women I have loved, I can thankfully say none have really been that toxic to merit a complete cut-off. What does that mean in practical terms? It simply means that my love will remain. Now you must be saying "Oh so they can just come back and you'll go back up some notches? Hell no...it just means that I have come to the place where I can accept that my love's expression for them will exist in perpetuity but will have boundaries that must be adhered to if there was some level of toxicity that was harmful to me or anyone in my family or given the circumstances in the moment. Too many believe that if there is even a hint of love that everything must be allowed. That is simply foolish because I have known women that will say they still have love for men that have even beat them or cheated on them. Imagine a woman or a man going back to that? There are women I love that I know I will never have a relationship with and there are women I love that I can see myself having a relationship with if the circumstances were to line up right. Most I keep in the "care" notch as I truly look for them to succeed in all their endeavours and I can truly say that only one or two are above that in some way shape or form.
As for the "flowed" application of my way (if you want to call it that), I choose to make my expression dependant on what I am perceiving from her. I will never push my way up the rope nor will I use trickery or deception to pull anyone closer. If I see them moving towards me, I will do the same. If I see them backing off, then I will respect their wishes and do the same. If I see a back and forth, then I wait to see if any movement solidifies. Not everyone is comfortable moving closer given their circumstances (or mine), fears or hang-ups and one needs to respect that especially if there is love. Understanding, respect, care and patience are all by-products of true love. This does not mean you are at a stand-still painstakingly pining for anyone. It just means you understand your place in their lives and if their should come the time where you hold no place at all, then you would not have lost a thing. You check in on them from time to time, you make sure they are OK and if there is anything you could do to help in any situation you do so. Love engenders this and it is a reality that the intellectually honest cannot escape. In this setting I remember all the beautiful while understanding that there will either never be a place for us OR I can look forward to a time of possible change for an attempt at getting closer again. My love will always remain...for some more than others.
Lest you think me callous in this application, I can tell you that every time I have had to go down a notch, it felt like a loss. With all the pain, confusion and heartache that comes with it. It eases in time and you become settled into your new position. Yet it is harder when you know you have no way of getting any closer. Oh and one other point on the motivation behind this. This is in no way a back pocket device. I don't "keep women"...I love them. Love asks for nothing but gives all. If you are placating past loves just to have a place to go or because you want to use them for something later, then you are being dishonest with them and you should make your boundaries with them clear. Doing so will keep you honest as it would be dishonorable to go against your own word.
So now you know my people. For me "letting go" simply means that I have backed off from the posited expression I held. This isn't a "program" nor is it a gamer's ploy. It is "me" working with my inner man and not against. True love is perpetual and you can decide to accept the truth of it or make up some bullshit to make yourself feel better. And so ends our lesson of the day...till next time...
`Moses
Please understand that what I will reveal could make me very vulnerable as I do not reveal too much of my processes lest any should think to take advantage but please be forewarned that I set this up for my inner man so that my processes could never be influenced or tricked by outer stimuli. Having said that I will begin...
Given the example above most would say "let's end it". What that means for them and what it means for me are two very different things. For most it means a complete cut-off with an adjoining "soul searching" that includes finding justification for the cut-off which basically means assigning blame. Most will seek to amplify the negatives of the other to the point where they now view the people they just left as "toxic" even if this was never the case while they were together. They will take themselves out of the equation completely when seeking reasons why the relationship failed and omit all understanding they gained concerning the "negatives" while they were together creating for themselves a reason to say "fuck em!!!" whenever the memory of them springs up. It is easier to deal with a complete cut-off this way but it is an exercise for cowards that do not want to deal with inner struggles honestly. Folks, there was a reason you loved them as you did and that never changes with an argument. Arguments happens and things are said that can be biting but these are said through a primal inclination we have to win at all costs. When I get this way, I know that I have no thought to resolve a matter but instead subjugate the person I love as I would an opponent. This is where I stay silent to regain my thoughts and think clearer to be able to share my point and listen to hers. To come to the place where I can say "I was wrong" in this and she can say the same. That is the ultimate sign of self-control and maturity. Sadly that doesn't always happen and you are left gritting your teeth but I digress as I will deal with this topic on another day. How does this "letting go" differ from my own? This is where it gets tricky or as I like to say..."nuanced"...
Now, the reason why this is common place is because most feel that in order to maintain "love" certain steps must be taken. I do not share this view as I believe love by it's nature is unconditional. I cringe when I hear someone say "If you love me, you will..." as I see that as a manipulation tactic. I see true love as a separate entity that conjoins the souls of the two involved irrespective of action, time or distance. The things we do are an expression of that love but those things do not make or break it in the slightest when it is real. When there is true love, I view it as a rope that is forever attached and the purest evidence of this in found in the natural expression of the purest love...parenting. In the case of two individuals, this rope I speak of never begins short but after years can end up that way. This rope for me has notches that describe how much of that love I am allowed to answer to. The first notch can represent care and the freedom to express it. The next may represent a greater knowledge and understanding of each other's inner workings. The next might represent a deeper expression through tender platitudes of love, greater affection and a deeper spiritual intimacy. The next could represent the allowance of physical touch and greater physical intimacy. The next may even represent the deepest and most profound levels of physical intimacy through "coupling" until finally all is freely expressed and "self" includes each other in most things. Mind you none of these are set in stone but they give you an idea of what I see when it comes to "love" and "loving" in practical terms.
Now that you understand this, I can tell you that where most would cut the rope, I will often choose go back a notch and I do so given the circumstances provided. If the relationship was toxic, I may have to cut but given the level of understanding I have acquired concerning the women I have loved, I can thankfully say none have really been that toxic to merit a complete cut-off. What does that mean in practical terms? It simply means that my love will remain. Now you must be saying "Oh so they can just come back and you'll go back up some notches? Hell no...it just means that I have come to the place where I can accept that my love's expression for them will exist in perpetuity but will have boundaries that must be adhered to if there was some level of toxicity that was harmful to me or anyone in my family or given the circumstances in the moment. Too many believe that if there is even a hint of love that everything must be allowed. That is simply foolish because I have known women that will say they still have love for men that have even beat them or cheated on them. Imagine a woman or a man going back to that? There are women I love that I know I will never have a relationship with and there are women I love that I can see myself having a relationship with if the circumstances were to line up right. Most I keep in the "care" notch as I truly look for them to succeed in all their endeavours and I can truly say that only one or two are above that in some way shape or form.
As for the "flowed" application of my way (if you want to call it that), I choose to make my expression dependant on what I am perceiving from her. I will never push my way up the rope nor will I use trickery or deception to pull anyone closer. If I see them moving towards me, I will do the same. If I see them backing off, then I will respect their wishes and do the same. If I see a back and forth, then I wait to see if any movement solidifies. Not everyone is comfortable moving closer given their circumstances (or mine), fears or hang-ups and one needs to respect that especially if there is love. Understanding, respect, care and patience are all by-products of true love. This does not mean you are at a stand-still painstakingly pining for anyone. It just means you understand your place in their lives and if their should come the time where you hold no place at all, then you would not have lost a thing. You check in on them from time to time, you make sure they are OK and if there is anything you could do to help in any situation you do so. Love engenders this and it is a reality that the intellectually honest cannot escape. In this setting I remember all the beautiful while understanding that there will either never be a place for us OR I can look forward to a time of possible change for an attempt at getting closer again. My love will always remain...for some more than others.
Lest you think me callous in this application, I can tell you that every time I have had to go down a notch, it felt like a loss. With all the pain, confusion and heartache that comes with it. It eases in time and you become settled into your new position. Yet it is harder when you know you have no way of getting any closer. Oh and one other point on the motivation behind this. This is in no way a back pocket device. I don't "keep women"...I love them. Love asks for nothing but gives all. If you are placating past loves just to have a place to go or because you want to use them for something later, then you are being dishonest with them and you should make your boundaries with them clear. Doing so will keep you honest as it would be dishonorable to go against your own word.
So now you know my people. For me "letting go" simply means that I have backed off from the posited expression I held. This isn't a "program" nor is it a gamer's ploy. It is "me" working with my inner man and not against. True love is perpetual and you can decide to accept the truth of it or make up some bullshit to make yourself feel better. And so ends our lesson of the day...till next time...
`Moses
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