Infinite Love...



Of all I know and do not know...internal truths don't change.  They are ever present.  We can choose to ignore them or deal with them and I for one, am never one to ignore them. 

I have chronicled my evolution on this blog.  From a fully surrendered love turned hate into a sober love that found a perpetual home.  I chose my previous relationship as the example because within it, there was so much to glean from.  The good, the bad, the beautiful and the ugly.  In my marriage I studied the art of husbandry so as to be the best husband I could be.  In my relationship, through trial and error, I learned that some things that worked as a husband would never work as a "boyfriend" and most gestures often go under-appreciated or even sometimes...un-appreciated altogether.  I could have held on to bitterness.  I could have hated her for all that happened.  Truth is...nothing that happens robs you of a love that's real and strong.  You are glad you got to live in love.  You feel privileged at the gift of passion irrespective of how it ended.

We finite humans look for beginnings and nicely packaged endings but when it comes to real love...there was never really a beginning...thus there is never really an end.  Love, like God...is infinite.  It just is.  So what do we do?  In this past year I have tried drowning my sorrow with all manner of diversion and vice yet nothing began real healing until I just accepted the truth.  The truth that I will always love those that have come and gone.  They will always hold a place for me.  The only thing that changes is where that love "places" in my life through its manifestation.  The man I am can see them all again.  We can laugh and talk about our day.  We can even share moments of intimacy.  The man I am can love without ownership. 

This is what I learned in my failed relationship.  I tried to recreate my success as a married man but failed to realize my partner and circumstance had changed.  I was not ready for what awaited me so I thought to make myself ready and in the process only added more pain to the mix.  A point I refuse to belabor.  After you get tired of staring at all the failures, you eventually begin seeing the successes and when you decide to hold on to that alone...your peace will come.  You get to the place where the memory of the pain can no longer effect you the same way.

How do you keep it sober?  Don't try to recreate it if there were bad times.  The good may come...but so will the bad.  Love may be blind but it's not stupid...