Me Dueles Tanto...

"...que solo soy viento"

"viento llego, viento paso...y como me acuerdo"

Something New...

Enjoy...:-)

The Day After Thanksgiving

It's 12:44 AM EST and it is officially the day after Thanksgiving.

All I have to say is that my mother is an amazing woman and I'm glad we could make this day what she wanted it to be about...family.  I could say so much about her but to give you an idea of the kind of woman she is, she spoke about her death as an extension for life.  That without her death, there would be someone somewhere deprived of some sort of life.  So you see...in her eyes, it would be ok if she died.  It's part of life.  She's not sick or diseased in any way.  She's as strong and sharp in her 60's as she was in her 20's but she will never suffer the humiliation of being bottle fed like a baby at old age.  She has asked God to take her before that time should come...I know He will grant her request.  He has showcased her strength in such a way that nothing less than glory will do...even in death.  That's the kind of woman she is.  She gives her best everyday and the day she can no longer do that, life for her will no longer be worth living.  She is one of my most inspiring of heroines and I'm grateful she's my mother... 

The Day Before Thanksgiving

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving.  Just one year ago I celebrated this holiday with Jen's beautiful family.  They must've had at least three different kinds of meat on the table.  It was truly a feast and I really enjoyed my time with them.  At that moment, I was thankful to be in love.  Truth is...I'm thankful for it still.  Some people can't comprehend why I still speak as I do given all that happened but that sh*t doesn't matter to me.  All that matters to me is that I got to love someone with unrestrained passion.  Passion that produced pain and pain...that produced beauty.  I will never regret my time with her.  The bad stuff left scars I can't do anything about.  The good stuff still makes me smile at times and yet I can say without a doubt...it's those scars that keep everything in perspective for me when it comes to what happened with us.  She is a chapter perpetually written into my life's book.  A chapter I've read ad nauseum and one that thanks to the scars...I will never repeat.

Yet now, I look back on all that's happened in this year and I'm truly thankful for life and love.  Life...because I almost lost it and love...because it still surrounds me.  The love and care of the extraordinary souls I have been privileged to know and experience.  Those that outshine me yet still see something in me I've yet to truly fully accept for myself.  People that want nothing from me...but me...and that makes me feel wonderful.  Although I still have to walk in mud piles, they remind me that I'm more than that and for that I'm truly thankful.  They deserve all I can give and I will always do my best to give them my best.

We all have things we can point to that should produce gratitude but sometimes we wallow in our own defeated moments.  Ignoring those moments you just chilled with someone great or that deep talk you had with your kid.  Ignoring the good because it's always easier to be upset than it is to be happy.  It's always easier to see the sh*ttiness of life than it is to see those seconds of shine.  Make tomorrow the day that sh*t ends.  Thank God for the good...and the bad.  Without both...we'd be uneven...

So yeah, "today has been ok"...Happy Thanksgiving 

One More...

"...a recipe I long to taste"

For This Day's Listening Pleasure....

Reminds me of what Sixpence used to be...very sweet

Hooligan...

"...not until next time"

He was a sweet and tender hooligan, hooligan
And he said that he'd never, never do it again
And of course he won't (oh, not until the next time)

He was a sweet and tender hooligan, hooligan
And he swore that he'll never, never do it again
And of course he won't (oh, not until the next time)


Poor old man
He had an "accident" with a three-bar fire
But that's OK
Because he wasn't very happy anyway
Poor woman
Strangled in her very own bed as she read
But that's OK
Because she was old and she would have died anyway
DON'T BLAME


The sweet and tender hooligan, hooligan
Because he'll never, never, never, never, never, never do it again
(not until the next time)


Jury, you've heard every word
So before you decide
Would you look into those "Mother me" eyes
I love you for you, my love, you my love
You my love, you my love
Jury, you've heard every word
But before you decide
Would you look into those "Mother me" eyes
I love you for you my love, you my love
I love you just for you, my love
Don't blame


The sweet and tender hooligan, hooligan
Because he'll never, never do it again
And ...
"In the midst of life we are in death ETC."
Don't forget the hooligan, hooligan
Because he'll never, never do it again
And ...
"In the midst of life we are in death ETC."


ETC! ETC! ETC! ETC!
IN THE MIDST OF LIFE WE ARE IN DEATH ETC!
ETC! ETC! ETC! ETC!
IN THE MIDST OF LIFE WE ARE IN DEBT ETC!


Just will you free me ?
Will you find me ?
Will you free me ?
Will you find me ?
Will you free me, free me, free me, free me, free me, free me, free me ?
Jury will you free me ?
Will you find me ?
Will you free me ?
Will you find me ?
How will you find me, find me, find me, find me, find me, find me, find me ?
Oh ETC! ETC! ETC! ETC! ETC! ETC!
ETC! ETC! ETC! ETC!
IN THE MIDST OF LIFE WE ARE IN DEBT ETC!
Oh ... oh ...

I Still Believe...



Her when she says "I love you" even when she doesn't show it all the time.  I still believe that when she holds my hand she's happy mine is the one she gets to hold.  I still believe that when tears stream down her face they're not the crocodile kind.  I still believe her when she says "I care" and cups my face in her hands with the affection of someone dear...and close.  I still believe in love...I still believe in her...I have seen just enough to know that it's all still true...

One day the scales will fall and all will be clear.  One day I'll get to keep an embrace.  One day I'll be who I said I would be and one day...I will have my joy

Jaded and alone...I still believe...

La Flor Del Frio...

Noche en Londres, besos furtivos
tal vez, sois como niños
tal vez, ya descubrís, juegos prohibidos
y hartos de la luna, sentís
por vez primera soledad.

Buscáis la flor del frío
voláis lejos de aqui
hurgando en el dolor
soñáis.

En esa casa de Camden Town
viven dos clandestinos al acecho del amor
-!son esos dos!
señalaban los gobiernos
con la misma mano del crimen
que hoy os da el perdón.

Vuestros versos ya no importan
y no importa quién fue quién
una lápida al escándalo
y esa sórdida pared en Camden Town.

Lejos de aqui
soñáis huyendo del dolor
y lloráis con la flor del frio.

I Just Had To Steal This!!!! LOL

Sometimes
... when you cry ... no one sees your tears... Sometimes... when
you are in pain... no one sees your hurt... Sometimes... when you
are worried.... no one sees your stress...Sometimes ... when you are
happy ... no one sees your smile ......But just try masturbating on
a bus one time & see how much friggin attention you get. Can you pick me up
from the police station?

Indifference...

The dive...just a bee hive filled with honey.  Loss of money and wasted time has me thanking crime I don't need to work for this sh*t.  Makes me think I've blown it.  If only I'd known it maybe I would've done different...maybe not.  Spilt milk curdled, the blonde, the brunette now hurdled doesn't mean sh*t without flame.  It's all just the same.  The same that came for me when I thought to feel the real and found empty.  So if here is a cry for plenty then why oh why call this "indifference" on my pieces list?  Because maybe I no longer give a sh*t if you walk or sit, swallow or spit...if you stick around...or even quit.  Maybe I'm just over it...

We met...

Soft spoken, kind hearted...genuine.  Stunningly gorgeous...a sight to see.  The kind of woman you marvel at.  Not so much from her beauty but because when you look into her eyes, there is evidence of an infinite well of strength.  A well that houses answers for almost any problem.  A well filled by tears that have endured too many winters.  This is the most amazing part of her and what's even more amazing...she doesn't see it fully yet.  Those eyes have drawn me in from the very beginning and now I understand why.  I know to appreciate a woman of strength but when she is strong AND tempered...she becomes a force to be reckoned with.  Way more than a pretty face, a body and a mouth...she is...beautiful

After knowing her for quite some time...we just met today...I'm good with that :-)

To mimic...

What does this word mean in the essence of sharing, caring or need?  It means more than you think...especially when it comes to me.  I was in a situation where I expected my partner to mimic my love and surrender.  It didn't happen...lesson f*ckin learned.  Put your best foot forward and let it be seen as such.  If you get no response...proudly move the f*ck on. 

As for me, I want what I want...not what I need.  Needs in this area are not an issue for me so if I want you, there must be something inside that draws me to you...no bullsh*t.  If I show interest in you it's not for the reasons most boys have.  I have interest in you...in all that you are.  I have no delusions of grandeur.  I won't draw every woman's interest but I can sure draw their attention.  For me, that's more than enough to make decisions.  Decisions I base on responses to the truth of me, not an act, not a trick...the truth of me.   The good, the bad and the ugly.  If you hear all that and still find me worthy...let me see it.  I promise you...you will never see anything like my response to that ever again...from anyone.

I will always hold a separate chapter in the book of your life.  Why?  Because no matter how many different characters I write about...in my book, you will always have one of your own.

I wanted you before the pictures, before the phone calls...before anything you thought cinched the deal.  I saw what I saw and I got smitten...this is who I am.  Take it or leave it...

Scars...

I write tonight about a subject that has had me in a state of limbo...scars.  There are wounds of our past that heal just fine but there are some that leave behind a little bit of an ugly reminder of what we went through.  That scar is there for life and it becomes something that eventually defines you.  It enables the "tweaking" of character to turn you into more or less of what you were before the trauma...before the "event".

For my part, I fall heavy for the scarred.  The internally deformed whether by choice or chance...I fall hard.  I relate and we speak the same language.  The language of experience that toughens skin.  They let me know I have a partner...an equal.  Why?  because I carry many myself...old ones and new ones I see forming with every passing day.  There is one I see forming that makes me too ugly to stay with.  It is grotesque and shows weakness.  It is the idea that I will never go as far with you as you'd like.  I will never be "boyfriend", "husband" or anything close.  I will just be Moe.  Someone you can share an experience with if the heart is where it should be.  To come like a passing breeze that smells like springtime...and then it's gone.  This is my new scar.

Am I looking to get it "fixed" so I can have a normal relationship?  No, not me.  I've come to accept the limitations of emotional surgery...I will find a way to live with this without the lonliness and empty that usually comes with it.

I'm workin on it... 

Libre Que Te Quiero

Hasta que se acabe el tiempo guey,
que se amen nuestros cuerpos,
y que salga el sol,
mil mañanas por oriente,
y mil lunas,
lunas diferentes,
Sigue, sigue,
tu sigue bailando.


libre que te quiero libre,
libre de cuerpo y de alma,
viviendo la libertad,
porque te amo y tu me amas,
tu flor y tu alma.


Sábila, tu te desnudas a punto de volar,
te doy mil besos,
el tiempo se nos va,
asi será,
estoy aqui una vez más,
detras de tu flor y tu alma.


Tu sigue bailando,
libre que te quiero libre,
libre de cuerpo y de alma,
viviendo la libertad,
porque te amo y tu me amas,
yo te amo y tu me amas.


Sábila, tu te desnudas a punto de volar,
te doy mil besos,
el tiempo se nos va,
estoy aqui una vez más,
detras de tu flor y tu alma.


Sábila,a punto de volar,
te doy mil besos,
el tiempo se nos va,
estoy aqui una vez más,
detras de tu amor y tu flor y tu alma.


Sábila, bailando en la sombra con ella,
y asi se ira,
nadando entre tu flor y tu alma.


Sabila, tu te desnudas a punto de volar,
te doy mil besos,
el tiempo se nos va,
estoy aqui una vez más,
detras de tu amor y tu flor y tu alma.


Sábila, bailando en la sombra con ella,
y asi se ira,
nadando entre tu flor y tu alma,


Sábila, estoy aqui una vez más,
detras de tu amor y tu flor y tu alma.

This Time...

I went to a wine bar where an acquaintance of mine was playing his guitar...and one years worth of flamenco passion.  Andreas Arnold is a young man I met at my previous flamenco event and I had no idea this much passion could come from such a young German boy whose only been playing flamenco music one year.  Considering I'm 37, I get to call him that lol.  Watch this man...he professes he is just learning.  If that's the case, then I cannot wait to see him master the art.

As to my time at the bar...lmao  My brother, my ex and I all got f*cked up because Raven the beautiful bartender turned out to be a sweetheart.  I don't get it twisted, I know she was doing her job but she is another strong woman I now have the privilege of knowing.  She smiled and afforded us a good time...even when I could see sadness in her eyes from all she's been through.  She was beautiful...we will see you again...

All in all...it was a good night...

My Funny Valentine...

Filled with perfect imperfections whose tempered care would turn them into perfect perfections.  Whose power and poise would mean the subtle grace and elegance of a tigress.  A beast worth surrendering to fully.  The kind of surrender that has a man worshiping the very skin that houses who she is.  The she that grows ever closer to the even greater she will be.  His hands would find the formations that make them healthy, comfortable...and happy.  His body would be hers.  Every muscle, every crease...every appendage...all hers.  She would protect, she would maintain...she would love as the one and only.  Even if for only just a season...it is worth the pain of gain...and loss.

My funny valentine...

I am...

The melody is silence
You have nothing to say
and your muse has died

The symphony is a hollow drum
It beats the mundane
and you cannot find your muse...she's passed

The orchestra plays without instruments
Empty air unpleasing to the ears
Sheet music only the muse could have provided are now...gone

Oh what pain and anguish is left for the poet with no words...no direction, no touch that lasts.

 
Oh what pain and anguish is left for the poet that cannot see beauty...that cannot see grace...that longs for the meaningful...without the pain.

His seconds mean nothing without passion nor do his daylights inspire.

I am that poet...for tonight

I Hate That This Man Is Dead....

Enough said

Enjoy The Show....;-)

Was listening to this song tonight as I walked home and thought "sh*t, that's true" lol

Vidalita...

"Mi pena es más grande, vidalitá
Porque va por dentro
Y en ella te canto, vidalitá
El dolor que siento

Ya se secó el arbolito
Donde cantaba el pavo real
Ya se murió mi china querida
Ya no la vuelvo a ver más

Ya se secó el arbolito
Donde cantaba el pavo real

Anoche mientras dormía
Del cansancio fatigao
No sé qué sueño dorao
Cruzó por la mente mía

Soñaba que te veía
Y que me estabas mirando
Y yo te estaba contando
Mi vida triste, muy triste

Y te desapareciste
Al despertarme llorando

¡Ay! Un cañaveral
Ya no hay remedio
Para mi mal

You know I listen to this and think "what more can be said that hasn't been said already"..."what more can be done that hasn't been done already".  This piece of art is a testament to beauty that is timeless and near perfect.  It needs nothing.  It wants nothing.  It will never grow old or have to settle for second best.  It's scope will never diminish over time...nor will it's passion.  Those that come to listen can walk out the same way they came in and it will still be sung with the same intensity...the same passion.  This piece stands on it's own with no equal. 

Why?

Honesty

Ananias...

I just got back from a party for a man that turned 50.  We ate, we drank, we had good conversation and there was no pretense or anyone "trying too hard".  Half a century has gone by...and this man has seen it.  Yet if you look at him, you won't see 50.  What you'll see is a man that wants to enjoy life...even if it's in small moments.  He has the look of a man that has seen struggle but somehow managed to raise a family and find some fun in the process.  I watched him as he danced with his wife and read the lesson.  Even after two beers and the equivalent in wine...I still saw the lesson. 

What's the lesson?  Live your life and enjoy the moments you can spare with those you love.  It doesn't matter what happens tomorrow so long as you've done everything you could to prepare for it.  Right now...live.  Right now...dance.  Maybe, just maybe "right now" will make the morrow's plans that much sweeter.

I think I'm getting there...

Happy birthday bro...may God grant you the next 50 lol  I'll dance at the next one ;-)

Do You?...

Oh, I'm a wandering soul
I'm still walking the line that leads me home

Alone, all I know I still got mountains to climb on my own
On my own

Do you love me enough to let me go?
Do you love me enough to let me go?
To let me follow through, let me fall for you, my love
Do you love me enough to let me go?

Back from the dead of winter
Back from the dead and all our leaves are dry
You're so beautiful tonight
Do you love me enough to let me go?

Back from the dead we went through
Back from the dead and both our tongues are tied
You look beautiful tonight
Do you love me enough to let me go?

But every seed dies before it grows

Do you love me enough to let me go?
Do you love me enough to let me go?
To let me follow through, let me fall for you, my love
Do you love me enough to let me go?

Breathe it in and let it go
Every breath you take is not yours to own
It's not your to hold
Do you love me enough to let me go?

Do you love me enough to let me go?
Do you love me enough to let me go?
To let me follow through, let me fall for you, my love
Do you love me enough to let me go?

This song holds so much meaning for me in the way I feel I have to view life right now.  I'm finally "following through" after my "seed has died".  To breathe in a breath and have to let it go becomes more difficult when the air is sweet.  Yet...this is the road I'm on for now.  Sh*t, it's lonely road though lol

Of Her Importance...

Some men are foolish, some men are wise.  The difference isn't seen in how much they know about any particular subject.  The difference is almost always seen in the finding of drawn out lines of understanding when they aren't always obvious.  The ability "to see" is wisdom.  When someone says "I understand" in truth it should always mean..."I see you".

The ability to see this is not something everyone is born into but it is in fact a trait found within the virtue of humility.  To say "I don't know sh*t" means I have a lot to learn and the more I learn...the more I understand.  As a man, I do and feel as men do.  I can be crass and dominantly rude because my "position" as a man gives me a false sense of ownership.  The "I can do as I please" mentality fueled by my testes.  It is our strength BUT it is also the worst of our weaknesses.  To act or speak without thought is considered "manly".  Guess what?  It's also considered stupid.  Where then did I learn how to temper the weakness of my manhood?  By sitting at the feet of some of the strongest women you will ever meet...

All my life I have been surrounded by women that cried in silence as they pressed on.  Breaking barriers through careful calculation and tenacity.  Through a self worth and value that made them infectious and desirable.  Even enjoying moments within their struggles.  Not in crude ways, but in ways that merited genuine tears of joy as if to say "I am so glad for this very minute".  Moments they remember like train stops on a train that has no destination.  This is what I know of women.  This is what I understand about feminine strength.  It is something they must "pull" from the bit of testosterone they have to say "F*CK THIS! THIS SH*T HAS TO GET DONE".  To me, this is always impressive.  To me, this is deserving of life itself.  To me...this is sexy as hell.  I can see you woman.  I know if you are weak or strong.  Not because I know so much...but because I "didn't know sh*t" and chose to learn from some of the best teachers around. 

It is for this reason my sons live with their mother and why I feel all men need a female role model.  One day they will find need to identify their own "real woman" and there is no better example than their mother if she is a real woman.  Thankfully, my ex-wife most definitely is.  As it was with me and as it was something my father understood as well...so do I. 

I "see you" and you don't scare me...