When you feel no matter what you do, you just aren't seen for the person you are. It doesn't matter how much you love, invest time or even how much you put up with...it just doesn't matter. Im off now and I suspect to be this way for a season or two. Whatever remnants of the past I've held onto have to be altered a bit now. Inch by inch until all that's left is the road ahead and those that have stood by me the whole time. I never made it seem that one day and one declaration would do it. It took a day to begin it all...a day I had. Now is the process...it's always a process. Some people can fool themselves into believing whatever they want to make things easier on themselves but I won't take that road. What is...is and what was...was.
They that know me the best will know where to find me and those that pretended to know me but think they have figured out the "real me?"...if you knew where to find me...take some time and forget. Time to make sh*t happen...and so it goes.
You know I've been to few funerals this year and looking around I always see old faces that I've not seen in years. Some crying, some catching up and some just wondering what is the proper amount of time one should stay for the sake of propriety. The mix of emotion and intent is something worthy of observation because here is where you find out a few things. You get to see "markers"...both good and bad. You have your supporters, your well-wishers and the truly touched. Those that were eternally "marked" by the person everyone has officially come to bid farewell to. Who shows up and why says a lot...
So I ask...what about mine? What will my funeral look like? Will there be more well wishers than people I touched? Who will cry in earnest? I'm talking about those that would cry not over the cliqued expression "a light has left the world" but tears streaming over the fact that my absence would be leaving a void in their heart for real. I could name the ones I'm sure about and the ones I'm not so sure about anymore. I think back on what I remember most about someone when I've gone to their funeral and it's usually nothing grand. It's usually just a word, a deed or a gesture. Some moment that just stands out. Yet sometimes, very rarely, it couldn't be more grand. What I remember most...was their life. Lives filled with availability and honor. The kind of availability that says "I am here for you if you need me and I require nothing in return" and honor that speaks volumes about character...revealed and hidden. I wonder sometimes if my life is worth the tears some would cry. What of myself have I left behind? What will be remembered of me? What did God think of my seen and unseen steps? It's truly an ageless question because no matter how old you are, you leave markers. Some good, some bad but make no mistake about it...you leave markers. Everyday you have the chance to grow and be better. Everyday the art that is you or even in you has the opportunity to inspire and leave behind something good that outlives you..that can even outgrow you. It's a question for anyone that has breath because at any age, that breath is fragile and when you least expect it...it can be taken from you.
So I encourage you folks...do the best you can. Be more than what you are. Push for the virtues that you don't have and strive for the unreachable perfection of a dream. Make me cry with your artistry, make me laugh with your jokes. Make me thankful for your advice and grateful that you listened to me for that whole hour and a half. Be so much more because when your improvement in character is sincere...you have no choice but to be selfless. I will remember you...I hope you will remember me...
Why the date and time drama in the subject? Well that's because for the past few days I've had this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach and it seems that tonight it's coming to a head.
Hidden in plain sight are these words;
I hate being able to feel and sense issues when they are occuring with those that at one time or another, shared a heartbeat with me. Family, friends, lovers...
I hate it when people do things out of frustration or anger...shows lack of maturity and self control.
I hate being right when I peg someone as too weak to do this or that. It just means that "weakness" limits how far I can go with them. Sometimes and sadly...nowhere at all.
There is a part of me that will carry this for the rest of my life but I will not be a fool. Whether it be in life or in love. It's frustrating to say the least when you can no longer do anything to help because doing so places you in the office of the "fool"...no more. No one will understand this post but me lol So yeah, right now...ugh.
For those that don't know me, I was married for 17 years and have two beautiful teenage boys. My ex and I divorced over two years ago and I'm proud to say we are great friends today. I consider her an amazing woman and after much reflection have come to understand that even if we had no children...we would still be great friends. She is mature enough to know and set boundaries for herself to the point that trust is not an issue. Why state all this? I felt the need to preface what I'm about to write with that introduction because that level of ease and comfort we had most of our marriage wasn't always there.
Our beginning years were touch and go at best but because we loved each other, we saw it through. We saw it through I might add, to the surprise of many. Two young kids thinking they knew it all but really didn't know shit. We trudged along as we dated but I always held to the belief that dating or "going steady" was testing ground for marriage. I don't believe in that "3 months, lets get married" bullshit. One needs time to really get to know the person they deem to spend the rest of their lives with and I don't care how strongly you feel towards them, folks, it takes way longer than 3 months to find out what makes a person tick. Love may be blind but it sure as hell doesn't have to be stupid. Trust between us was a huge issue and one that would prove us to the point of real growth. While we dated certain things happened that brought serious doubt into the relationship. Arguments, fights...that shit was normal but it all stemmed from one issue...trust. Otherwise, everything was great. I told myself and God that I would only marry if all wrinkles were ironed out so we both set out on that road to fix our main problem. After two years and most issues resolved, we married on a whim. This is where my topic of surrender begins...
Here we are married and all is ok except that in my mind, like in the mind of most...I wondered how long we would last. I wondered when she was gonna leave me for someone else. I was still a kid with only a GED. I knew shit and could do very little at that time. Insecurities wrestled me to the point where I had planned exit strategies and all manner of "what if" scenarios. Yeah, this was my mindset so what we had "ironed out" while we dated managed to creep back in again...trust issues. We would argue and I would walk out, seriously debating if I should return. I thought this had to be one big joke. Two kids, married, living on their own. How the f*ck was that supposed to work? We were suffering and bleeding because I didn't see the need to do anything for us. We got the ring, we got our place, a child on the way...now what? I erroneously thought that these "markers" were enough to sustain a home and keep it together. Most people do...to their own detriment. Due to this mindset, add to that insecurity and a woman that men want...I had a timeline. The clock was ticking. We both had our fair share of suitors that didn't give a shit about a "ring" and at that point, it was a temptation to me. Thankfully, a temptation I never did succumb to but just the fact that it was a temptation to begin with troubled me. It shouldn't have been since I was married. Some may think "well that's normal". Sure it's normal to find someone else attractive. Sure it's normal to have flashes of "what if" but when you begin to plan and plot creating moments. When you begin to "set up" scenarios to keep this person around for the "just in case"...something is wrong. This is what would happen in my mind and some people actually carry out their "set ups" and plans thinking that so long as they don't "do anything" all will be fine. I was a man that had a timeline so those thoughts were normal to me but very wrong.
I had to figure that shit out. I had to know what made me think what I was thinking. Why were these come-ons so tempting to me when what I had at home was so much better? It took me a couple of years to figure it out but when I came to understand what I came to understand...my marriage actually began and so did my growth as a man. I came to understand that my mindset of impending doom had me in something I deemed temporary that as such needed time lines and exit strategies. Things that consumed a mind that would have been better served meditating on ways of improving the marriage as opposed to watching this "clock of death". It hit me hard one day. I had set us up for failure. Insecurities were overblown and temptations were empty. I stood in the center of my living room and began to state out loud my condition to God. Who I was and who I was about to become. I decided to own my "person" as husband and father...forever. At that moment I declared that this was going to be the only woman I will ever be with for the rest of my life and because of that she had to get a better "me". I had to do my best to fulfill all she needed in a man. Respect, honor, attention, affection, protection, provision and most importantly...an unparalleled sexual passion. I was determined that if this was gonna be my last woman then I would train myself to be her "everyman". No one would ever be able to supplant me because what ever they came with...I knew I did better. I trained myself to be a better man, a better father, a better lover and held to the mentality that so long as I did my part, it didn't matter what she did. If there was failure, it wouldn't come from me. Taking on that mindset, she did the same and what a marriage we had. Temptations were no longer tempting...just feel good "whatevers" that lasted a few seconds. My attitude was healthy enough to accept attraction but deflect any and all manner of thought towards planning, set-ups or flirting. That was all bullshit and I came to know it. I understood that not all "feelings" were justified to pursue because many of them were false based on environmental conditioning. I learned to dismiss them quickly. Things had changed. She was it for me...I needed no one else and I trained myself to know, I wanted no one else. That day I surrendered to my fate and accepted the idea that "this is my life". That day was the beginning of my training into manhood. Thankfully our divorce 17 years later was not due to failure. It was a sober minded decision brought on by introspection and discussion. Our marriage was a success.
People today do not understand that to make relationships (not hook-ups) work one must surrender to the idea that this person is "it". This is the one I'm gonna train to spend the rest of my life with. This will be the only one I need to impress and make happy. This is the only one who's approval and feelings matter. It's us and then everyone else. That means shutting the doors one leaves open for just in case scenarios and not just shutting them but throwing away the key. That's the way relationship decisions are made. They are made with the idea of permanence. If you hold the temporary mentality then don't even bother calling it a relationship because you don't give your all to something you feel will die next week. People can live like that for years and don't even realize it. I just couldn't.
If you love the one you're with and you have declared real relationship status with them...you want it to work? Then surrender. Make them priority and show them you are serious. All pressures fade when all you have to do is please one that loves you just the way you are. Life gets all the more sweeter when you know that although your woman/man can be in a room with 20 men/women that are their "type" she/he is thinking how great it would be if you two were there alone. Surrender folks...surrender. Happiness in relationships is not something you are given...it's something you create. Good night :-)
I went for a walk tonight down by the promenade underneath the Verrazano Bridge. I live only a few blocks away and decided to see what, if anything, I would feel as I walked by the water alone. As a kid there was usually a sense of serenity...that sense of peace. A feeling that drove me to seek the beauty of the ocean and subsequently to become a Mariner. To hear the waves lightly hit the rocks along side the promenade along with the smell of ocean was usually enough to calm me into conversations with God yet tonight as I stood overlooking the water...it was different. I began to watch the ships go by and I could identify each one. I even began detailing what their lights told me as a Mariner, trying to recreate something. Did I feel nostalgia? Did I miss the vastness of the ocean? I wouldn't know because my mind was on all I needed to do to meet my goals, drowning out any possibility for any other thought. No room to breath, think or to stop for even a few minutes. No room to mourn losses, no time for others...very little time for me. I saw no waves nor did I hear them lightly crash. No smells to remind me of "prayer rocks" or anything of the sort. There was no "conversation"...just the reality that it was cold outside. All I saw were my two feet on the ground and that's when I decided to leave.
What happened? Well at this point in my life I am at a place where my dreams are make or break. I either pursue them now or drop them forever. Its not about time or age...it's about hunger. The desire to tear down walls within myself has never been keener than it is right now and knowing myself...it is a wave I MUST ride. All else aside because a victory here will mean a victory for all those near me. I "hustle" now for this to begin. I put aside my pursuit to understand recent inequities for the sake of this dream and the more I do...the less important those pursuits seem to be. A grand part of me is driven by the hope of those that have seen great value in all I have to offer. I want to thank them one day. I want to thank them when I am in the place they have envisioned me to be because due to their hope and vision...I now see it too.
In Exodus we read that Moses found himself between a rock and a hard place. The Egyptian army was gaining up on them on one side and on the other...the red sea. Moses did the logical thing a prophet would...he began to pray BUT God being God said:
"And the LORD said to Moses, “Why do you cry to Me? Tell the children of Israel to go forward."
In other words...it's not time for prayer, it's time for action. He knew what he needed to do and all he had to do was do it. I didn't hear the waves nor smell the ocean because it's time to "do". My time to feel God's breath on me will come and my time to hear the beauty of His glory in the whisper of the wave will be mine again...just not yet. I've got a river to cross and make no mistake about it...I WILL cross it. Nothing and no one will slow me down. So "Moe the Mariner" has made way to "Moe the Artist" and when "Moe the Artist" comes into his own he will be able to breath and feel again the way he used to. He will do so with the peace and serenity of his younger years yet now with way more to ponder. Oh Lord haste the day...
There is a house built out of stone Wooden floors, walls and window sills... Tables and chairs worn by all of the dust... This is a place where I don't feel alone This is a place where I feel at home...
Cause, I built a home for you for me
Until it disappeared from me from you
And now, it's time to leave and turn to dust...
Out in the garden where we planted the seeds There is a tree as old as me Branches were sewn by the color of green Ground had arose and passed it's knees
By the cracks of the skin I climbed to the top I climbed the tree to see the world When the gusts came around to blow me down I held on as tightly as you held onto me I held on as tightly as you held onto me......
Cause, I built a home for you for me
Until it disappeared from me from you
And now, it's time to leave and turn to dust........
Sitting here about to go to sleep I have this question in my mind. How can people easily drop something they've been carrying for years? I've seen people struggle and fight for something only to give it up on a whim and I ask myself: "it must not have been that important then right?" Really? There are people that have it so together they can rationalize a proper end but when you know someone is clearly f**ked up you wonder how THEY do it. My thoughts turn to multiple personality disorders. How these people can actually live different lives within the same body. I have come to the conclusion that although it is not that drastic I can see glimpses of it in several people I know that have seemingly dropped shit easily. They seem to retreat into someone else...be someone else so that they don't have to deal with the loss their "true self" suffered. They become plastic...
My mother used to "out" people like that all the time and she would do it in such a way as if to say "you can be whatever you are around me...I don't care". She would uncover a lie, a mask or impressions people would try to leave her. It was funny at times the reactions she would get after she would say non-chalantly "yeah and I know BUT..." lol She would then proceed to tell these people all she saw in them and usually be spot on. From that moment forward all you got was "them" and no one else. You just couldn't fool her and some people would just stop dealing with her altogether because they didn't want to be what they were around her. She told them what they needed to do at their core. She granted solutions to their problems that required action; action some people don't want to take so they become something else. Folks, it's always easier to be somebody else than it is to be yourself. Especially when everyone seems to want the person you pretend to be. They like it when you get drunk and stupid...makes them laugh. They like it when you talk nasty...makes them horny. They like it when you are the "free, happy go lucky" type because then, with you...anything goes. They want the person they can do anything with and could give a shit about how you feel at your core so long as they get off. What if you're not that? What if you talk a good sex game but are as dry as can be? What if you like to drink but hate getting drunk because of how you act? What if you're really a homebody that likes to go out from time to time but not like the "club kids" do? Problem is that if you are one that needs all to like you, you will become what you despise just to make everyone happy. You will have to prove you are who you say you are. You will have to create several masks for each person that thinks you're "great" when they don't have a clue as to who you really are. It's at these times that unhealthy retreats are created. Created so that you don't have to deal with "you". A "you" that may have dire needs for growth and nurturing. Every time you are someone else, the person that suffers the most...is "you".
I picked that up from my mother and the truth is it has cost me but I could care less. I would rather you hate me for unmasking you than to walk with someone that is lying to me about who they are. You will not like it when after I see you, I "detail" you to your core. You will not like it when after I see you, I offer up solutions for your real "issues". You will not like it because I will always address the "you" that is constant and not the person you are pretending to be at the moment. I will speak to your core and in time you will hate that my solutions for you never change. They don't change because you don't either. Yet one thing is certain and this is the truth. You NEVER have to be anything else but what you are around me and that is worth sticking by even with all the things you hate about it lol I've had people cry to me one day and dismiss me the next because their "friends" were around. They come back when they get tired of wearing the mask that's been suffocating them so long...only to put it back on because they are just not "cool enough" to hang with the crowds if they are themselves. I don't know how many times I've heard the phrase "I feel like I can be myself around you". This is a double-edged sword for me because the people that don't want to see themselves anymore usually wind up cutting me off and I am left standing alone wondering what I did...until I figure it out lol From women to thugs...all the same. People with issues...people. Folks, we all relate when we are who we REALLY are and that is my space. That is my arena. I pull no punches when it comes to what I think because I expect the same in return. So back to the question...
How do people that are clearly f**ked up seem to easily drop something they've been carrying for years? They retreat into the person they were before they picked up what they dropped. Foolishly believing that this will erase all those years of burden. They take up the personalities and masks they had to drop while carrying whatever it was they were carrying...until they are faced with it again. Until the lights go out and they have no one to talk to or impress. When there are no more diversions. The pain is the same and the loss is just as real. There was never any real healing...just a change of clothes. Masking pain through entertainment or diversion. This is something I could never do. I am who I am and I have no masks for anyone so I suffer what I need to suffer until I make it through. This is why you have heard me say repeatedly...I only hang with the "real". They know I see them and they love it. They love it because if I see them and dig them it must mean someone else will too. Now for those that are in the practice of pretending...I can do without them. I'm sure they can find a personality or two that thinks I'm full of shit and the truth is I could care less lol That's the way it usually goes until they need something. People be who you are. Even if it means you will hurt a little more. Even if it means you'll cry or feel the mess. In the end, you will have exercised "you"...the person you've been neglecting the most and that will produce real healing.
Recollect this man he does
Of open seas and skies above
The day he saw, the day he drew
The outline of these eyes so blue
The eyes that see all gift of men
As empty tokened boxes when
If opened they are seen to be
Nothing more than air to thee
And fasioned went his box to her
More than diamonds, coats of fur
Priceless passion was his gift
An easy box for her to lift
And taking it she thought the same
Well here's another one with game
And so went box unopened still
And tossed aside for months until
The time had passed and others came
One by one they dropped the same
An empty box laid at her feet
With empty promise just to meet
The years would pass as time will do
Time to see how truly true
These suitors were the days gone by
To justify the lack the of try
For empty box had made her cold
And lack of hope had drawn the old
Thoughts of why I am the way I am
It must've been because of them
So opened one by one the boxes
Smiling, seeing them as foxes
She knew them empty, she was right
Except for one she held with fright
The one the man had given her
The man her mind could not deter
For different was her time with him
Memories that had not grown dim
The one that thought that love's enough
To smoothen out the edges rough
That thought that hand in hand was it
To start all passion's fire lit
Opened box she came to find
This gift of his a different kind
A sand with air that made her smile
And cry with ease, its been awhile
Memories changed from dark to light
Of wonderous moments there at night
The holding times and dances soft
The fire in veins of priceless cost
She didnt know this love was real
That time and distance now did steal
For now the man is in his grave
With nothing left for one to save
In new clothes he remembers her
Emotions crash and feelings stir
About the box he chose to give
About the death he chose to live
And stands he now with empty box
About to fill with empty rocks
For feeling he has nothing left
He sets his course for empty theft
Yet reaching in he finds a grain
Of sand whose planting yields a gain
A gain of passion left inside
It's just enough to change his stride
So in the box there goes the grain
To flourish, grow and yield more pain
Enough to give and give again
The question now for who and when...
~Moses
I wrote this in tribute to a deadline I set before me. I waited to hear or read a thing that never came. So from this moment on, things MUST change. Some things must now be as though they never existed...they must die. If it is easy for many to do then so it shall be for me as well...I'm sorry.